Public Address - Island Life (Home)

Staring into space | Dec 20, 2006 18:33

When you see an office dweller at their desk, staring into their monitor, shuffling their mouse once in a while, do you think, as I sometimes do: "not much work going on there". This is the prejudice of our time. What you're watching is a brain at work. That, or someone engrossed in an NSFW web site.

There are computers everywhere, but still we are inclined to see them as some kind of interloper, or imposter. Whatever it is you're doing when you're looking at it, you're not doing nearly enough for it to qualify as work. Work puts a sweat circle on the back of your singlet. Work is what harried clerks are paid to do with huge piles of paper. Work is a builder swinging a hammer, and a miner covered in grime. Work might be what people do in the money market, but if you can persuade me why some monkey on a trading desk should earn more in a month than a doctor might earn in a lifetime, go right ahead.

But staring at a screen, inert? How can that possibly be right? (Leave aside your Internet addicts, they're a special tragedy. If you don't believe me consider the case of a friend's sister in law. Sitting, inert, at her monitor in Auckland she found love in Chicago. They were soon emailing and messaging like excited bunnies, and within months he was on a plane, babygirl, with a ring. They married, they flew back to her new home in US and A. Now they both sit inert watching the Internet and chain smoking. Pet canaries die in the fug of it. Money is short and they no longer live in the apartment, but they've found a nice trailer park. It's all true; even the canaries.)

If you are to earn your keep doing this sort of thing, staring at a screen will entail contemplation, analysis, sifting, weighing; God willing, this will yield moments of inspiration and revelation. On these criteria, I claim justification for hours upon hours upon years of sitting, staring, inert.

I have the support of my very patient wife in all of this. She believed that my little online speechwriting site had the prospect of being a modest but viable little home business. No-one was more proud than she when I proved it could be bigger than that. But it also irks her that few people regard it as a "real" business. It neither irks nor surprises me much. I am inured to having people here in the house - friends, family, tradespeople, neighbours, who see me at "work" staring at a screen and occasionally moving a mouse, and thinking to themselves: "not much work going on there".

I wonder if the talented people going about their Space Station tasks 80 miles above Wellington were wondering at all about the people below and contemplating whether or not they were hard at work. It would surely take just the flick of a button to hook up to CIA equipment if they wanted to eavesdrop, but how interesting would it be to an Astronaut to listen in on a Beehive press conference or coffee drinkers at Astoria or Gary at Placemakers taking an order for a shower door hinge? They probably wait till splashdown to catch up on that kind of thing. There's plenty of it on YouTube.

Here's a suggestion for a New Year resolution. Ask yourself: while they were drifting past our strategically benign little corner of the planet, how did whatever it was you were doing down here compare with the things those astronauts were doing up there? If they picked you up on the spy camera, would it have been interesting to them? If they come back in ten years time, might they find you doing the same thing?

In this past year, we managed to generate more than 100 billion dollars worth of gross domestic product. That's a lot of steaks and butter and logs, and a few Karen Walker sunglasses as well. There was even a little rocket science in there. But to a dismally substantial extent we were stuck on the same track on the same battered old LP: buy a house, sell it, buy a house, sell it, buy an extra one, count the gains on paper, spend them like a drunken sailor.

If that's ever going to change, my money is on a few good people sitting in front of the monitors, moving the mouse about. If they're looking for fresh ideas, they could do worse than to click here to see what this guy has to say.

Happy 2007.

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Losing the billboard plot | Dec 19, 2006 10:35

Let's climb up here on the grassy knoll and take a look around. David Farrar has a "more conspiracy madness" roll call of recent left wing conspiracy theories here.

I can't disagree with him about the implausibility of any 9/11 Reichstag fire theory, and it seems to me that US senators are as likely as any mortal to succumb to one of the most common causes of death in America. On the other hand, if some unfavourable report about Diebold should emerge one day, I wouldn't be completely flabbergasted.

Oh, those lefties with their tinfoil hats. But look! Over here in John Drinnan's Herald column! Wayne Mapp sees a dastardly plan in the Billboard Blitzkrieg. It's not aesthetics they have in mind. No, these lefty Auckland City Councillors want to emasculate National's hugely successful billboard strategy.

Altogether now, in John McEnroe tones. You cannot be fucking serious.

He must surely be having a bit of a political flourish. Either that, or press releases and interviews don't go well with Christmas egg nog.

It does raise an interesting question, though: can this particular lightning strike twice? Would National necessarily do so well with a billboard campaign next time around? And would they use the same He Said/She Said device again?

That could prove tricky if the new leader wants to continue his tack to the centre. This, for instance, is unlikely to work.

Do ad campaigns get refreshed because the device has lost its effect, or do they change because the ad agency needs to justify a whole new round of invoicing?

Have you had enough of the Tui billboards, I wonder?

If we pull out our copy of The Hollow Men, (and you can guarantee commentators will be doing that all the way to polling day) we learn that John Ansell was the creative talent behind the billboards. If the book is reliable on this matter, it would seem that the quality of Ansell's creative output is a little inconsistent. Some of it sounded to lack the deft touch of the Iwi/Kiwi series.

But this is all assuming that things will just repeat themselves.

It may well be that trader Key is looking to win this thing, policy debate by policy debate. Take forestry and the carbon neutrality goal. If we want a land full of pine trees, should the government not be a little stronger on the carrot and not quite so heavy on the stick? This is their third go at this and it seems once again that they may have mis-cued it. There are gaps there for Key to make strong arguments, and they will resonate, with or without a billboard on Queen Street.

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He's Left | Dec 15, 2006 08:30

So. Farewell then
Dr Michael Bassett,
'Columnist for the Dominion Post'
Or, for short, 'Compost'.

Tim says you jumped,
But you say he pushed you.

History is a dark, slippery beast
But it will probably
Judge
That you were
Right.

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Certifiably Ill | Dec 11, 2006 10:20

One is labouring under the burden of a cold, so instead of offering one's own insights, one will share the anecdotes of others this morning.

1. All politics is local

In 1874, Alfred Packer, having been enlisted to guide five homesteaders along the Mormon Trail into Colorado during a heavy winter, emerged from the San Juan Mountains - alone.
Packer was convicted of cannibalism and sentenced to hang by Judge Melville B. Gerry.

"Stand up, yah voracious man-eatin' sonofabitch, and receive your sentence!" the judge cried.

Thar were only seven Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you ate five of them!"

2. Something to ponder over lunch at the Viaduct

The wit and lawyer William Travers once joined a group of people watching the end of a yacht race in Newport, Rhode Island.

As each boat crossed the finish line, the name of its owner was announced.

Informed that every man was a wealthy stockbroker, Travers gazed pensively at the flotilla.

"And where," he asked "are the customers' yachts?"

3. What have you declared on your driver's licence?

Michael Crichton's 1978 film Coma tells the tale of a young female doctor whose suspicions are raised by the large number of relatively healthy patients at her hospital who suffer from "complications" during simple operations and fall into comas. She learns that these patients are being shipped off to an "institute" which harvests their organs for sale on the black market.

In the year following the film's appearance, a kidney transplant surgeon at Ohio State University, noticed that cities across America were reporting drops as large as 60% in the number of organs being donated.

4. More on the gathering tide of Asian crime

Last week's Herald reported developments in a big drug case.

"Police said they still wanted to speak to Chen Chen, 25, who lives on Princes Wharf"

How embarrassed are they going to feel when someone explains it was "I'll meet you at Cin Cin or somewhere on Princes Wharf "

5. Even if I were not cold-addled I wouldn't bother with a Thribb for Pinochet.
Peter Cresswell quite reasonably proposes that other dreadful leaders of a more left-leaning persuasion also get their due when their time comes.

Fair enough. Nevertheless I propose that Pinochet be buried at sea in the most appropriate way, turfed overboard, hands and feet bound, from a helicopter out of sight of the coast.

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Drunk By Noon | Dec 05, 2006 21:45

In one of my favourite songs by Sally Timms, she sings:

If my life lasted only one day,
I'd still be drunk by noon.

The whole song's a treat. Cheers to the writer, Rennie Sparks, who has the steel to put lines like this in a song.

Sometimes I flap my arms like a hummingbird
Just to remind myself I'll never fly.
Sometimes I burn my arms with cigarettes
Just to pretend I won't scream when I die.

You think that's raw? Try the next verse. These past few months, a dismally large number of friends and family have had cancer encounters, some slight, some anything but, with outcomes ranging from blessed to bleak.

One phrase echoes in my mind, and it was told to me by the friend of another who is raising money for surgery in Australia. Your purchase of a fundraising ticket for a showing of Little Miss Sunshine at the Bridgeway on Monday 11 in Northcote at 8.00 pm would be warmly received, and if you can possibly be there, please consider it. What she said was: "If I die, who else will love my babies the way I love them?" She is 35. Her eldest is 5 and her youngest is ten months.

I couldn't say with certainty that morbidity or fatalism or personal experience has a lot do with it, but over here in the alt.country section we do like the drinkin' songs, and the tilting at mortality, and we don't always say no to a drink before lunchtime. So notwithstanding - and perhaps because of - other people's ineffable anguish I still like this verse.

Sometimes I can't wait to come down with cancer.
At least then I'll get to watch TV all day.
And on my deathbed I'll get all the answers
Even if all my questions are taken away.

And back to the chorus…

If my life was as long as the moon's,
I'd still be jealous of the sun.
If my life lasted only one day,
I'd still be drunk by noon.

Over here, barkeep.

And cheers to Wammo at Kiwi FM for inviting a cocktail mixer to join us this week in the studio while I'm there for our Friday morning chat. They promise us the guy makes a mean Mojito.

And there's more. An international theme. With giveaways. I turn now to the blurb:

Wammo (weekdays 10am-2pm on Kiwi) will be running a competition from Tuesday to Friday this week via text/phone/email to ask which Kiwi artists should pair up with international artists next! Is it Kirsten Morelle with David Bowie? Savage with Celine Dion? The Tutts with Pavarotti? Barnaby Weir with Nickleback?

I just heard a reader in Pt Chev wail.

Well, you decide. Make a good enough suggestion, and there could be loot involved. Again from the blurb:

Wammo will draw his winners on Friday and each one will receive a ticket to OE: Brazil's Auckland show at the St James, a copy of the OE: Brazil CD and a great big bottle of Bacardi Superior Original Premium Rum.

Have at it! Truly - your suggestions are warmly invited. What's a genuinely good match of indigenous and international talent? Who'd you like to hear? Stick your suggestions in the discussion thread and I'll get you entered in the draw.

Personally, I'm going for a mash-up of Leonard Cohen with Shihad, but then I listen to songs about cancer.

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Stop Making Cents | Dec 05, 2006 08:15

NCEA English
2007 Summer Class

Compare the following two pieces of writing, then answer the following questions.

Media release
Newmarket Business Association
Monday, 4 December 2006

Unbelievable that Reserve Bank runs out of new coins in lead up to Christmas.

Just five weeks after phasing out the old coins, the Reserve Bank has now written to the country's retail banks warning them there will be a shortage of the new 20 cent pieces in the lead up to the busy Christmas period, with some unimpressed retailers already unable to source 20 cent pieces," Auckland's leading retail district, Newmarket, has revealed today.

"When we complained that the three-month transition period wasn't long enough, the Reserve Bank told us that they'd done a lot of work and that everything was going to be just fine. We'll here we are just five weeks into the new coins and only days away from the Christmas rush, and the country's running out of its own currency. This is all looking very Fijian and doesn't inspire much confidence in our central bank," said Cameron Brewer, head of the Newmarket Business Association.

"The unfortunate thing is that while banks and retailers are set to run out of 20 cent pieces, tens of millions of the old 20 cent pieces sit idle because they are no longer legal tender.

"Retailers have got enough on their mind in December without worrying about running out of change. Given the many years of work leading up to this new coin transition, such a staggering miscalculation by the Reserve Bank should never have happened," said Mr Brewer.

ENDS

Radio New Zealand News

Reserve Bank Orders Extra 20c Pieces
Posted at 8:22pm on 04 Dec 2006

The Reserve Bank has ordered an extra 15 million 20 cent pieces, because of unusually high demand for the coins.

An extra 4.75 million 20 cent coins have been put into circulation over the past week.

The bank's currency manager, Brian Lang, says a further 10 million of the coins will arrive in the country over the next few days.

He says the bank has issued 50 million 20 cent coins, and 53 million 10 cent coins, but there has been a much greater demand for 20 cent coins than it expected.

Mr Lang says there will be enough new coins in circulation to meet demand over the Christmas period.

Questions

1. Write the expression "way over the top" in txt language.

2. Do you use cash to buy any of the following?

     a. movie ticket
     b. CD
     c. DVD
     d. Big Mac
     e. chewing gum

3. What is meant by the expression "This is all looking very Fijian"

4. Would you rather spend this weekend in Suva or Newmarket?

5. Do you have confidence in our central bank?

6. Do you have confidence in the Newmarket Business Association?

7. In terms of dealing with the news media, what is a "staggering miscalculation"?

8. If you were eligible, who would you vote for in next year's Auckland mayoralty contest?

     a. Cameron Brewer
     b. John Banks
     c. Frank Bainimarama

9. Who coined the expression "say whatever you like, as long as you spell my name right"? Discuss, with reference either to postmodern electronic media theory, or your five favourite YouTube clips of 2006.

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How to smoke an MP | Dec 04, 2006 09:18

MP smoking is an art. You don't just pick one up and start puffing. You must know how to select an MP, cut him, light him up, and finally, smoke him.

Choosing an MP

When purchasing an MP there are certain things you should keep in mind.

- Verify the quality of the MP by squeezing him slightly to make sure there are no hard lumps of ethics in him, and check to ensure that the press releases he has issued are not unduly tainted.

- Malleability typically diminishes with longevity. You may want to start with a novice.

Types of MP

Churchill
The most desirable choice: Venerated, with enormous profile and influence, but rare and difficult to procure.

Torpedo
Has a pointed head, closed foot and a bulge in the middle. This type of MP tends only to be useful as an unguided missile.

Perfecto
Similar to the torpedo, but doesn't ask awkward questions.

Cutting the cap of your MP

Your MP will typically have a closed mind on the question of people's right to bear cigarettes. In order to smoke him, you will first need to make an opening in his head, or as we say in the trade: "cut off his cap". This must be done in a manner that will preserve his outward shape.

Biting the MP is not a cutting method. Not only is this ineffective since your teeth are not real cutting tools, but you will not look like much of a lobbyist spitting out pieces of leftover MP.

Try to slice off the head in one quick "chop" (in the manner of the guillotine), by identifying one of the MP's great yearnings. For some, this will be Bluff Oysters, for others lap dancing. Some may prefer to have grouting done in their bathroom, while for some it may be a popular musical act they remember from their youth.

Having spent all this effort choosing your MP and cutting him to perfection, you won't want to waste all that time and money by lighting him the wrong way. It's best to do so by tucking a policy paper into his pocket. Discretion at all times, though! It's prudent not to ply him with actual talking points, nor anything that might be later discovered in an email.

Proper etiquette calls for removal of the "Hello I Am" stickers from his lapel before you smoke your MP. He will need a label at the outset because you will typically have a group of his colleagues gathered at the same time, and they can be very the devil to tell apart. Once you have lit them up, of course, every nosey parker and his dog will notice, and a discreet veil of anonymity is to be preferred.

Enjoy and savour the MP, but do not inhale! After 12 puffs or so, remove the "Hello I Am" Stickers, which will probably be falling off on their own, thanks to the heat.

Now sit back with your MP in one hand and a glass of port, cognac or single malt in the other. Before you know it, you'll be discussing amendments, deregulation and misleading data as though you were the fastest of friends.

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