Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: A Trip to Canberra with Alan Bollard

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  • Rich of Observationz,

    YouTube! YouTube!

    I was waiting for a bunch of central bankers to be rolling down the street chanting: "I'm gonna put your f...in mortgage up!".

    Back in Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 4501 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Llewellyn,

    Brilliant, Hunter S Thompson meets monetary policy. I laughed, which is rare praise

    Since Feb 2008 • 10 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Bless you. Exactly what I needed.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4378 posts Report Reply

  • Whoops,

    Genius.

    Too much punctuation to be Kerouac, not enough drug use to be HST... but could def. be turned into a film by Tarantino.

    here • Since Apr 2007 • 103 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Llewellyn,

    You are right on the drugs front. I can see a story line with Bollard on E getting loving and cutting rates and a speeded out, drunk Governor laying down great vengance upon the evil ones... ""the bats, the bats... do you not see them'' quote from memory, not the book

    Since Feb 2008 • 10 posts Report Reply

  • James Francis,

    Please, please let it be true.

    St John's, Newfoundland • Since Nov 2006 • 117 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Emma Hart wrote:

    Bless you. Exactly what I needed.

    Here at PA we aim to please!

    Ian Llewellyn wrote:

    Hunter S Thompson meets monetary policy.

    Oh, that's good. May I quote you on that?

    Whoops wrote:

    Too much punctuation to be Kerouac, not enough drug use to be HST... but could def. be turned into a film by Tarantino.

    Now that you mention it, I see Russell Crowe playing Bollard.

    James Francis wrote:

    Please, please let it be true.

    PA guarantees that all of the Bollard anecdotes are completely true. However, I can tell you candidly that the description of Canberra in this anecdote is considerably more true than the rest of the story -- probably about 900 per cent true.

    Apology in Advance:
    I'm writing this from a diabolically expensive internet connection in Sydney, and will be travelling tomorrow -- so apologies in advance if I don't manage to answer any questions that come up on this thread over the next day or so... although I'll do my best to find an internet café somewhere.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 993 posts Report Reply

  • James Francis,

    ... but could def. be turned into a film by Tarantino

    I could hear this/these as monologue plays on National Radio. Nine to Noon. Oh yes. I'd be listening. Even behind the closed curtains in Karori would, I am certain, be the muffled sounds of laughter.

    David, you're good.

    St John's, Newfoundland • Since Nov 2006 • 117 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    I hate to break into the chorus of praise (and I intend to join it just as soon as I have read the whole thing)

    but

    we're flapping our arms around like a couple of spastics

    Not a happy metaphor. At all.

    Manawatu City • Since Nov 2006 • 1330 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    Not a happy metaphor. At all.

    It's a literary device. See Unreliable narrator.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    You can't sell this to New Idea, Investigate Magazine, or as a cover story for The New Zealand Listener, because it's clearly not true.

    Actually, I take that back. You can't sell it to New Idea or the Listener. Investigate? Now that's a possibility.

    I can tell it's not true because of this.

    We start feeling a bit musical somewhere above the Tasman Sea, and when the pilot announces that we're about to land in Canberra

    Everyone knows here are no direct flights between NZ and Canberra. You have to fly to Sydney and then catch the hourly shuttle to Canberra. You can tell it's an important flight because there are no air bridges at the Sydney end. You have to walk downstairs and then across the tarmac to the plane. Just like flying from Wellington to Palmerston North.

    Brilliant work (again) Mr Haywood.

    Manawatu City • Since Nov 2006 • 1330 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I for one am outraged by our taxpayer dollars going on these kinds of trans-Tasman piss-ups for senior public servants.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 19116 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Just quickly before I collapse exhausted into a fitful slumber...

    Deborah wrote:

    Not a happy metaphor. At all.

    I felt that the metaphor (in NZ dialect) was consistent with the dubious character of the narrator. Perhaps this isn't sufficiently clear (and let's face it, I'm wrong about lots of things) -- so sincere apologies if any offense was caused. I'll think about it some more while we're travelling over the next couple of days.

    You can't sell this... because it's clearly not true.

    I'll remind you, Deborah (with your fancy-schmancy Ph.D.) that all of the Bollard anecdotes are guaranteed to be 100 per cent true. However, I will concede that this figure represents an average of trueness over the whole anecdote. While some parts (such as the description of Canberra) are up to 900 per cent true, other parts (such as arrival by plane vs. say, driving from Sydney) are only 2-3 per cent true. Overall, though, the average trueness is never less than 100 per cent.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 993 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    with your fancy-schmancy Ph.D

    I didn't pay much for it.* Maybe that's why I didn't get the correct truth-detector model included in the package.

    *To be precise, I paid nothing, and the Australian taxpayer paid for the lot. Excellent.

    Manawatu City • Since Nov 2006 • 1330 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    I for one am outraged by our taxpayer dollars going on these kinds of trans-Tasman piss-ups for senior public servants.

    Just look at what they get up to sober. The more alcohol induced paralysis and brain damage the better... :)

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12073 posts Report Reply

  • Ben Austin,

    All day I've been waiting to get home from work to see exactly why a story about Allan Bollard got 16 points on the company naughty word index.

    It was worth the wait

    London • Since Nov 2006 • 897 posts Report Reply

  • Mark Thomas,

    vaguely related to NZ/oz relations...

    http://www.invadenewzealand.com/

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 315 posts Report Reply

  • Mark Thomas,

    ...all of the Bollard anecdotes are guaranteed to be 100 per cent true. However, I will concede that this figure represents an average of trueness over the whole anecdote. While some parts (such as the description of Canberra) are up to 900 per cent true, other parts (such as arrival by plane vs. say, driving from Sydney) are only 2-3 per cent true. Overall, though, the average trueness is never less than 100 per cent.

    You're a genius, David.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 315 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    I don't hear Bollard denying any of this!

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen,

    *snort* that was gold.

    Auckland • Since Apr 2008 • 47 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby,

    [canberra] looks as if Albert Speer had been commissioned to redecorate Ashburton on the cheap

    <genuine LOL>

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2026 posts Report Reply

  • Don Christie,

    I see Russell Crowe playing Bollard

    Nah, James Cagney.

    I don't hear Bollard denying any of this!

    Well, if it weren't true he would sue, wouldn't he?

    David, I can't help but feel there are aspects of this tale that maybe should have waited publication until *after* you cleared Homeland Security.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1620 posts Report Reply

  • blindjackdog,

    I felt that the metaphor (in NZ dialect) was consistent with the dubious character of the narrator. Perhaps this isn't sufficiently clear (and let's face it, I'm wrong about lots of things) -- so sincere apologies if any offense was caused. I'll think about it some more while we're travelling over the next couple of days.

    Comparison of two dissimilar things using "like" or "as"? Ms Crotchett always told me that was a simile. Guess that's why the metaphor's unhappy: it's trapped in a simile's body.

    Don't apologise, Haywood -- it's a slippery slope (as parliamentary privelege allowed Winston Peters to describe Pansy Wong).

    Next thing you'll be grovelling to all those erectilly dysfunctional radio sport listeners because of your casual and insensitive over-use of the f-word -- tormenting them with their inability to satisfy their wives' constant need for opportunities to assure them that they are, indeed, satisfied.

    And don't think about it: while I'm sure you are wrong about lots of things, I also doubt that heavy, morally-clouded cogitating is going to relieve that situation.

    On the PhDs, you clever kids: it's a surprise our universities haven't noted the potential profits they're missing: why not put a price on something that they're already giving away?

    Unless there's no demand, I guess, and the current clearing-house approach bespeaks a product of no value beyond that of a slightly curious, antiquated relic -- about as useful as a five cent piece, but as cumbersome and embarrassing as a scud missile.

    ps I do hope Cameron Bagrie can make a cameo with Bollard someday.

    Since Nov 2007 • 39 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    All day I've been waiting to get home from work to see exactly why a story about Allan Bollard got 16 points on the company naughty word index.

    It was worth the wait

    I wanna see the company naughty word index.

    I wonder sometimes about those email filters that bounce your email back with a message saying 'your message has not been delivered because it contains the word 'fuck''. What if I've got filtering on too and it declines to deliver your notification because it contains the word 'fuck'? Are there a whole bunch of orphaned profanities out there listlessly bouncing from filter to filter, lost in limbo for all eternity?

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4378 posts Report Reply

  • Idiot Savant,

    Just like flying from Wellington to Palmerston North.

    I can't believe people actually do that. Quite apart from the fact that after the airport bullshit, its not that much quicker than driving, there's nothing here.

    Now, going the other way, I can well believe. Who cares how you get out of Palmerston, provided you get out?

    Palmerston North • Since Nov 2006 • 1668 posts Report Reply

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