Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: The Truth About Babies

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  • Stephen Judd,

    I know! How about a ritual disemvowelling?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    Miserabilis barbarus!

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report Reply

  • InternationalObserver,

    __ That suggestion is 100 per cent pure genius, Craig. In fact, I'm printing out a hard copy for my future blackmailing needs as I type these words...__

    Neither of those will work. They'll just look at you and go "Email!? Man, that's so 2007. None of my friends will look at anything unless it's hologram/ingested 3d viewer/data projected onto the surface of Mars."

    Actually, you're both right. In the future people won't shoot their own YouTube videos (or the 2027 equivalent) because that's too amatuer and (let's be honest) something only the poor do. So the middle class will outsource their wacky videos.

    David will just need to provide the printed copy of today's blog to GreenAcres and they'll convert it to a script, employ professional actors, hire a sound stage (they'll most likely shoot green screen and then CGI the rest), and deliver the finished re-enactment in multiple formats for your viewing pleasure. For a nominal charge they'll also circulate it digitially directly to 10,000 people within the Haywood nexus.

    All for about one days salary.

    Since Jun 2007 • 909 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Oh - sorry. Got busy, missed the troll. Thanks to whichever person with moderator privileges did the deed.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22850 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    Damn, what am I going to do with this discount torch and pitchfork set now?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I know! How about a ritual disemvowelling?

    Yes, there's nothing like a nice, slow vowel-stripping.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Margaret B,

    Well this has been an interesting post and thread. What a remarkable post (and what a remarkable troll)!

    Readers may be interested in this, which I am slowly reading my way through in preparation for the alleged arrival of my first child sometime in the next four months or so. I'm laughing on the outside at this point, but something tells me in six months time I'll be back with a rather different perspective...

    I kind of expect that having a child will radically change my life. But knowing that in my head and understanding that in anything other than an abstract sense, well, they are too very different things. I hope I can reflect on the first few months (or longer!) with the humour and goodwill of Mr Haywood. Especially as I am really bad at dealing with stinky, gooey substances.

    Since Oct 2007 • 59 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Andrew,

    Especially as I am really bad at dealing with stinky, gooey substances.

    You'll learn - they might be stinky & gooey, but somehow your own sprogs emissions are less objectionable than those of other people's.
    Either that or you invoke the traditional "I was in labour for xteen hours - you can clean that up/change that/wipe that/hose that/shovel that"

    Hamiltron - City of the F… • Since Nov 2006 • 900 posts Report Reply

  • James Harton,

    I kind of expect that having a child will radically change my life. But knowing that in my head and understanding that in anything other than an abstract sense, well, they are too very different things. I hope I can reflect on the first few months (or longer!) with the humour and goodwill of Mr Haywood. Especially as I am really bad at dealing with stinky, gooey substances.

    Actually, something I've been feeling recently is a lack of patience with people commiserating with me over how I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. A little patronising, wot?

    In regards to stinky, gooey substances I discovered the first time I had to clean my then-puppy's diarrhoea out of the carpet that when it's someone you really care about it doesn't really matter any more. And for all you people saying "it's not the same", my dog is orders of magnitude bigger than any baby I've ever seen.

    WRT the photo of the two Rodney's I can't help but see it with the caption "ZOMG!!~! INVISIBLE POLITICAL CONSPIRACY!~!!".

    Auckland • Since Nov 2007 • 51 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    Congratulations, Margaret! And David, please try and ignore silly troll-y people. I am childless by choice, and I didn't think that was a whiny post at all. It was completely delightful to read. I think the others will agree when I say that there isn't too much that makes one laugh out loud, and your writing about your lovely boy surely raised more than a few audible chuckles from me. As a kindergarten teacher for the last decade or so, I have met alot of parents. (Not to mention that I'm 43, and come from a huge family and circle of friends and have always been surrounded by junior human beings). All of them from different cultures, different socio-economic strata, different upbringings, different ages. I have taught the children of Somalian refugees, and the children of multi generational Kiwi families; I have taught the children of university professors and cleaners; I have taught the children of 20 year olds and 50 year olds; I have taught the children of gang members and churchgoers.For all those differences, all of them have had several things in common. They want the best for their child/children; they want you as a teacher to care about their child; they all want their child to be happy people with successful lives - whatever those words may mean to them. And all of them, rest assured, have lived through the sleepless nights, the wrenchingly heartbreaking screaming, the helplessness, the projectile vomit. All of them have also experienced the joy and love and responsibility of being the primary role model for a very small, very vulnerable human being. Like most jobs, when you take it on, you do the best you know how. I love reading your writing about parenthood, and Jolisa's, because it's honest and funny. The world needs more honest and funny. Your little man will continue to grow and flourish, and so will you. And that's as it should be.

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3136 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    James Harton said this:

    I'm expecting twin boys in February.

    and this:

    Actually, something I've been feeling recently is a lack of patience with people commiserating with me over how I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. A little patronising, wot?

    Yes - it's the commiseration that's patronising. I have taken to warning new parents-to-be that their world will change completely, overnight, and it can be utterly overwhelming. But that's not in a sense of commiseration, but just in the sense of giving them something to hang onto, in the middle of the night when they are wondering why it is all so bloody awful and wondering if there is something they are doing wrong.

    The short answer is that this is all utterly normal. So it's about giving new parents some reassurance that they really are doing okay.

    Of course, I'm not sure that Dr Haywood's experience is normal... :-)

    It really is awful, at 2am, when you have just fed and changed both babies, and then both of them poop all over themselves, and you are desperately tired, and... and... and...

    James, believe me - twins are a challenge, even if you have had a baby already. And believe me - twins are very, very special. I have been thrilled about mine ever since the very early scan we had, at 6 weeks, and I am still thrilled now, nearly seven years later. Even in the very early days after they were born, I used to look forward to them waking up in the morning, so that I could cuddle my precious little girls, and just be with them.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report Reply

  • James Harton,

    Thanks for the kind words. You're right, of course, that I have no idea what I'm getting into. My partner has a 3 year old daughter (so, I guess now I do too) and I've been gobsmacked by how much effort has to go into managing a biggish small person, let alone two tiny ones!

    A greater adventure was never undertaken, Odysseus himself would ROFL at the thought!

    Auckland • Since Nov 2007 • 51 posts Report Reply

  • rodgerd,

    One evil night - Good Friday 2004 - the constipation ended. Gallons of it. It went up the back of the cast, and down the legs. Unbeknown to us, a couple of sores had developed under the cast. When the poo got into them, it stung and the poor wee soul shrieked for hours.

    A friend of mine had one of his sons block up for a week or two. When he finally emptied it looked like, in his words, "someone had taken a onesie and fulled it absolutely full of baby shit, and then crammed a baby in."

    Happily it was summer, so he took the one year old outside and cleaned up with the garden hose.

    I guess it's not that I necessarily disagree with everything the Breastapo says -- but I was alarmed by their one-size-fits-all attitude (as Emma points out). The lactation consultant at the presentation that I went to basically had no time for any mother who didn't want to give up her career -- and spend the rest of her life chained to her baby. I thought that was a little unrealistic, myself.

    Oh, hell, that takes me to the pain a rellie had, living in the Deep South. The health authority in her area had decided that the nice cheap volunteers from the fucking La Leche league were the answer to breastfeeding counselling. You can imagine how useful they were for a first-time mother with a baby who wasn't keen on feeding (boys born with jaws that Just Don't Latch run in the family).

    Because when you're an exhausted, miserable solo mum struggling with your first kid and a history of depression, what you really want is some self-righteous bitch telling you you're lazy. Fuck You, Southland health, and fuck you La Leche "lactation experts".

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 512 posts Report Reply

  • Malcolm,

    So we had this thing we called the magic sleep book. We loved it, because it explained baby routines, how parents automatically stuff them up, how we reward undesirable behaviour and reinforce it, how to encourage good sleeping routines. It was brilliant.

    But the best thing about it, was that when we lent it to other people, their babies slept through the night. Immediately. Before they even read a page.

    The Magic Sleep Book

    Since Apr 2007 • 69 posts Report Reply

  • Belt,

    Oh man. Thanks for the laugh out loud piece. I sit here with a nose bite as my 10 month old is now testing things parent for caloric value. Not sure if its your first, but all I can say is... HAHAHAHAHA SUCKAAAA.

    Still.

    What is it that makes us stay with women (answer: sex)

    Is that really worth it in the end (answer: we have no backbone)

    And then these babies come along. Why don't we run? (answer: Helsinki syndrome - I'm convinced of it)

    And then some of us do it all again! What's the answer? (deprogramming - but nobody's coming to rescue us).

    I actually discussed the benefits of turning homosexual with a co-worker after sharing "my wife/girfriend..." stories. Must be something to coming home, going "hey" and a raise of one eyebrow and a small lift of the head, and sitting down as a hand magically appears in front of you with a beer in it and you don't have to perform delicate hostage negotiations to get the TV from Little Einsteins to Mythbusters or Top Gear.

    One more kid, and I think I might turn gay just to see what it's like to sleep in past 7 more than once a year.

    That vasectomy was probably the first step I took on the road to recovery. Problem is, they tell me it's another 30-40 years after that before you're cured. If you outlast her, that is.

    Nelson • Since Nov 2006 • 49 posts Report Reply

  • Heather Gaye,

    That vasectomy was probably the first step I took on the road to recovery.

    OH, vasectomy... My brother and his wife had a couple of very disheartening false starts before they finally had their second (and decisively last) child. My brother was totally planning the vasectomy right from the three-month mark...and six months after the second was born, the third was on her way.

    Morningside • Since Nov 2006 • 533 posts Report Reply

  • Sarah Flynn,

    Wrt James Harton & patronising commiserations... as a new(ish) mummy of a 13 week old lass, I have to say all those people were right, I didn't know what I was geting myself into! But the big surprise was not that breastfeeding was agonising for the first 2 weeks; that babies can apparently store up litres of poo at a time; or that they get themselves horrendously worked up over nothing, and then fall peacefully into angelic sleep just as suddenly once you've gone spare trying all manner of strategies and tonics to calm them without success; etc etc.

    Nope, the surprising, overwhelming thing (other than the really impressive man-sized farts) was the absolute adoration I felt for this funny little creature right from the moment I clapped eyes on her. This will sound terribly soppy but the toughest thing in the first few weeks of parenting wasn't any of the above - it was putting her down in her own bed when all I wanted to do was cuddle and smooch her! A couple of days after we arrived home, I went for a 20 min walk round the block by myself and bawled my eyes out from halfway as I missed her so much!

    Thankfully, that was mainly hormones and I have gotten a grip now(!) but my adoration has grown rather than diminished - all my plans to parent with a firm and consistent hand are in disarray as she has me wrapped around her little finger. But - the other pleasant surprise was that the mummy-skills just seemed to be there... as soon as she arrived, I felt like I knew what to do! So bollocks to nasty, judgmental, bah-humbug types who don't believe in procreating. Also bollocks to the vast swag of parenting manuals and experts who love to boss insecure new parents about! Parenting is the bomb, it'll make you nostalgically remember all the best parts of your own childhood and give you the best excuse in the world to recreate them. Some parts are hard, but (unless you're quite unlucky) it's mostly a gas!

    Ok, enough shmoo! My own advice is specifically to the bloke: if mummy is breastfeeding, she'll be powerfully thirsty all the time, so offer her a drink whenever she sits down with baby to feed... honestly, you feel fine until baby starts to suck, and then it's like you've been teleported into the desert.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 16 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    I'm expecting twin boys in February.

    Wow, congratulations, dude! Double the fun!

    Since Nov 2006 • 1946 posts Report Reply

  • Rowan Cottet,

    Well done! You've had a rough time al lright!
    After three I've learnt to take a doctor-like approach- working through (with the doctor too) eliminating the possible reasons, and on the way we've very often/ nearly always found the reason behind symptoms or behaviours. A good reference book helps so much as you then know which things to ask to be checked and can work as a team with the doctor. I personally found Robin Barker's 'Baby Love' book a great source of info, intelligently written and stating clearly what many, some and few babies do, which helps give you some perspective when it's your first. Good luck!

    Since Nov 2007 • 1 posts Report Reply

  • James Bremner,

    What a great post. I am a bit late to the party, but nothing like starting the day with a good laugh and a flood of both fond and fraught memories.

    My wife and I have a 2 year old who is such a delightful, beautiful child, that I find it hard to put into words how much I love the little fella. We have just found out that we have another one on the way so we are thrilled to bits about that.

    Our most difficult time with John Sebastian was a series of ear infections that began at around 6 months that finally culminated in having tubes put in his ear drums. We had about 3 months of having an ear infection every other week. It was brutal for Daninka and me, but seeing John in such misery was just horrible. Poor little fella. As soon as the tubes went in it was like someone flicked a switch, no problems at all from then on. If our next one has the same problem, we are just going to insist on having tubes put in after the second infection.

    We have been so fortunate with everything to do with John. The only out of the ordinary aspect was that when we evacuated from NOLA for Katrina, Daninka was 8 months pregnant, so after the storm we had the uncertainty of not knowing where we would be for the birth and whether we still had a house or jobs etc. (we found out after about 3 or 4 days that our house was fine and our companies were fine too).

    The first place we evacuated to, Jackson MS got whacked pretty hard by the storm, so we had to move on and we had another day long car trip (very uncomfortable for Daninka at 8 months pregnant ) to go to Arlington, Texas and stay with a distant relative of mine, who was great. We quickly found a wonderful hospital and a great doctor very close by, so less than a week after we evacuated we were all sorted out, and could settle in and await the big day. Daninka was just amazing about the whole thing.

    We finally all made it back home about 7 weeks after we left. I have this great photo of Daninka and John in an exhausted sleep on our bed, having just arrived after the 2 day trip home.

    For me having John is both the greatest joy and the greatest responsibility. My life prior to having John seems so trivial by comparison. What did I do with my time? I got more sleep in the mornings, but so what? I wouldn’t trade a bit of it, ear infections, dirty diapers and all!!

    NOLA • Since Nov 2006 • 353 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    I'm a bit late too - our experiences (colic and all) were great - best advice we got was to let the kiddo learn how to get to sleep on their own - this involves lots of crying and it tears your heart out but we timed it - less crying every day and after about a week pure magic - nothing better than seeing them just go limp and relax when put to bed.

    I think the one really big epiphany I had having kids is that my parents had gone through the same thing with me, looking after me for years as a helpless youngling and to some sense I owe them - and probably ought to pay them back when they get older and need the same sort of help

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2623 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    Every night as I head to bed, I check on my three sleeping girls, tuck them under the covers, give them a kiss, and think how beautiful they are. A few years ago, I realised my mother must have done this for me when I was a child, and it made me feel so loved.

    I always sing a lullaby to the girls when I tuck them in at night, 'tho my nine year old has said that she's too grown up for it now. A couple of years ago, my mum was here for a few days, and I was looking after my 20 month old nephew for a night. As I tucked him into bed, the girls gathered around his cot, and sang the lullaby to him, because that's what you do for babies, of course. I came out to the family room to find my mother with tears of joy running down her face.

    Passing the love on. That's what children are about.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Deborah:

    Every night as I head to bed, I check on my three sleeping girls, tuck them under the covers, give them a kiss, and think how beautiful they are. A few years ago, I realised my mother must have done this for me when I was a child, and it made me feel so loved.

    When Jimmy was little, he'd often wake up grumpy. A reliable way to chill him out and make him smile was to softly sing the refrain from Shabba Ranks' 'Mr Lover Man' -- "shabba, shabba .. shabba, shabba ..." But that's as far as my desperately limited singing talents should ever be allowed to go.

    These days, we hug a lot. In theory, AS kids don't like physical contact, and it took Leo a while, but now he insists on coming out and hugging us both every night before bed. He still objects vigorously to my singing though ...

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22850 posts Report Reply

  • Joanna,

    >Passing the love on. That's what children are about.

    I don't think I can read this thread anymore, because it's making my ovaries twinge.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 746 posts Report Reply

  • Jeremy Andrew,

    Our most difficult time with John Sebastian was a series of ear infections that began at around 6 months that finally culminated in having tubes put in his ear drums. We had about 3 months of having an ear infection every other week.

    I'm with James on this one, if I ever meet the doc who invented ear grommets, he/she is getting a great big hug.

    Our oldest had them inserted at just under 12 months and like James says, it was like flicking a switch, all of a sudden - literally 20 minutes after the operation, he could hear clearly, and no more infections.

    We didn't stuff around with our second sprog, after the second or third bout of ear-itis we had him checked for glue ear & grommeted. Its a hassle when it comes to swimming, what with plugs etc on very small kids, but for sure worth it for the relief of both child and parents.

    Hamiltron - City of the F… • Since Nov 2006 • 900 posts Report Reply

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