Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: We Haven't Forgotten You Christchurch!

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  • David Haywood,

    I vote for "Look at that man's trousers!" as the title of your next book.

    Your wish may come true. I've started the next book (200 words already finished -- nearly there) and I totally can't think of a title. 'Look at that man's trousers!' is way better than anything I've come up with so far.

    I'm still waiting for the eureka moment to strike me as to why New Zealand's Reserve Bank has named its governor after a traffic cone.

    You are not alone. A North American Public Address reader congratulated me on my choice of name for the book's central character.

    Her: That name is a stroke of genius. It just perfectly fits the character. How did you manage to come up with it?

    Me: That's actually the governor's real name, dude.

    Her: Oh.

    And is it for this same reason that people in the Land of the Broken Boot get around by riding German singers and/or Native American tribes?

    'Ute' is NZ dialect from a contraction of 'Utility Vehicle'. It's a comparatively logical derivation compared to some of our dialect, e.g. "So I was luxing the Ventians and then afterwards I got really munted and ended up pashing a bogan. It was choice. Not."

    Possibly this statement really belongs on Emma's thread.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    Obtuse is not the word

    Very true. Now, what was all that other stuff?

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    Where or what t'is the Land of the broken boot"??

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    "Land of the Broken Boot" is an imagistic geo-metaphorical reference to the collective cartographic formationality of North Island and South Island, which taken together resemble a somewhat sundered piece of high-heeled footwear.

    A similar process permits the visually imaginative to see the island of Great Britain as a witch in a pointed hat riding west on a pig. This makes a pig's ear of Anglesey, and rightly too.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Islander,

    Well, at least ,Philip Challinor ,you've got the 2 main motu rightway up!
    (Repeat after me, south can be top of the world as much as NEW-)

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    I know you have trouble with the man in the moon and us standing on our heads, but you are dead right. It does!!!

    It reminds me of the Wizard's Upside Down Map of the world that he was promoting way back in the 70s.

    http://flourish.org/upsidedownmap/mcarthur-large.jpg

    A potted history of this esteemed fellow is here:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wizard_of_New_Zealand

    The story of him claiming to be invisible during the NZ Census was a good yarn. He argued in court that he could not fill the form at midnight because he did not exist at that precise time! In fact he took a launch and chugged out past the 12 mile zone of NZ for the night.

    I always thought the map a cracker 'cos all the continents have upward pointy bits that looked like they had dripped their detritus into the large mass at the bottom.

    Speaking of which....Alaska looks like it is suckling up to Siberia....or is a it an enlarged nipple of the breast of USA/Canada being touched by an appendage of the old USSR....or the pursed lips of a head that has just spat out Russia??

    And of course...lo, there at the top is the Broken Boot.

    I saw a cow in a cloud once....

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    Ah,,,,Clouds....

    http://cloudappreciationsociety.org/reindeer-cloud/

    And don't forget 911.....oh dear...

    http://www.surfingtheapocalypse.net/cgi-bin/archive.cgi?read=1343

    Or even pieces of toast for christs sake!!

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/4019295.stm

    We are truly, truly programmed to identify shapes, faces etc.

    I found a fascinating one the other day. It seems that if you show a picture of a snake for a few milliseconds to anybody, an instantaneous reflex action of scrariness occurs within the human brain. Oooooooooo.

    And here is the really really interesting bit. Even blind people who have their visual system out of action but all the bits from the eye to the brain still working respond in the same way!!!! They don't "see" it but whatever controls their reflex actions does.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    Arthur Koestler's The Sleepwalkers mentions a story written by Johannes Kepler about the inhabitants of the moon, who see

    Africa ... as a human head severed at the shoulders; Europe a girl in a long robe who bends down to kiss it while her arm stretches backwards to lure a cat jumping towards her. The back of the head is Sudan, its chin Algeria; the girl's head is Spain, her open mouth at Malaga, her chin at Murcia; her arms are Italy and the British Isles, the latter luring the Scandinavian cat.

    Thanks for that south-on-top map; it is quite an eye-opener. North America looks to me like a grinning dog face to face with a kneeling, pouting camel - the Kamchatka Peninsula is the camel's ear, India and Indochina its two humps. What Scandinavia might be, I wouldn't care to think.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    I'm still waiting for the eureka moment to strike me as to why New Zealand's Reserve Bank has named its governor after a traffic cone.

    Seems quite reasonable really given that they are the immovable object on inflation flexibility.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    What Scandinavia might be, I wouldn't care to think.

    It looks like it always looks like - right way up.

    A flacid penis with a pimple.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    In the Land of the Bisected Boot,
    I fear higher culture is moot.
    Should the Muses descend,
    It is likely they'll end
    Bouncing off of a fast-moving ute.

    To delicate things of the mind,
    These Antipodeans are blind;
    They snigger and mock
    And yell, "It's a cock!" -
    Just not very fucking refined.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Sam F,

    Bravo Philip!

    Shape of the nation: I've heard people in mainland China refer to the country's general shape as a large chicken, which funnily enough faces east. Who else for a rousing chorus of "The Red Rosy Hen Greets the Dawn of the Day?"

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1611 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    For Brits in a blazer and boater
    To ask for a spade is most proper
    But to us yobs down under
    Such polite talk’s a blunder
    It’s a fucking shovel and that's oh so much clearer!

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    In Upper Hutt, from time to time,
    They'll try to grind out the odd rhyme;
    But down-under wit
    Rarely matches the Brit,
    For the accent just isn't the same.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    That's sadly. ...very true. Sigh. Keep it up!

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    You think that I like a pun
    With a mind (not quite) as sharp as a pan
    I’m stabbed by a pin
    I'll write with the pen
    How Cholmondeley gets turned into chum.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    When Calliope flashes your pan,
    Do count up your syllables, man;
    And learn to beat time
    When making a rhyme -
    For it helps if the bastard will scan.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    Yes yes I know. ...I couldn't lie about being too sharp you see....

    Desperate for a fillip.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    Desperate for a fillip

    Rare up there in the south are they? I know the problem; try finding a mason down here. You'd think they all had a secret handshake or something.

    I've heard people in mainland China refer to the country's general shape as a large chicken

    I have been squinting at that map from all angles and at all sorts of brightness-and-contrast combinations for hours and hours and hours, and all I can see is a blob with a stump. If China and Korea joined up it'd be different - they'd have something you could decently call a beak, only it would be more dodoan than chickeny.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Every Italian I've ever met (bar one), has pointed out to me that New Zealand looks like an upside-down map of Italy -- if you squint hard enough. It's a fascinating topic of conversation, and I've encountered some people who can talk about it for hours.

    The exception to this rule was the famous Giovanni Tiso. He never mentioned this at all during our conversation -- which led, of course, to my radical hypothesis that he's really from Stokes Valley (his slight accent being a result of mixing with the sophisticates at the Stokes Valley Cosmopolitan Club*).

    In other news, I'm now viewing this website via Google Chrome. Instead of it taking approx. 30 seconds to load each page, it now takes less than two seconds. Oh, I love you, Google Chrome.

    ----

    * This is actually a genuine (and well-advertised) club in Stokes Valley.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Philip Challinor,

    I once saw an advertisement which compared the shape of Italy to that of, of all places, Cornwall. I think the idea was that, while it is rather expensive to go and see all those basilicas and paintings and palazzi and be punted around Venice, you can do much the same sort of thing more cheaply in Cornwall with the added possibility of falling down a tin mine.

    So I suspect Tiso is double-bluffing and is really from Truro. I bet they have accents there, as well.

    London, England • Since Sep 2009 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Amy Gale,

    If you've never met someone from Wisconsin, you have probably never seen the Awesome Trick whereby they can hold up their hand and point to a place on it to show where they are from. Michigan people can do something similar, except they hold their hand the other way around and the Upper Peninsula doesn't get represented.

    In honor of this practice, I can now render a fairly creditable North Island/South Island combo. Sadly it requires both hands, so I have to point out Wellington with my nose.

    tha Ith • Since May 2007 • 471 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    The exception to this rule was the famous Giovanni Tiso.

    That's just because I don't like to call attention to where I'm originally from.

    The If New Zealand Was in Europe map seems relevant. It suggests I was born in Dunedin.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    It suggests I was born in Dunedin.

    ..and I was born in the middle of the Mediterranean, which might explain my dislike of fishy things.

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2562 posts Report Reply

  • Just thinking,

    And Christchurch is really Nice.

    I'm off to the Promenade des Anglais for a swim.

    Putaringamotu • Since Apr 2009 • 1158 posts Report Reply

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