However. I have never in my life had a conversation with a female friend in which we compared the sizes of various men's genitalia.

I've always wondered how we were supposed to be doing that. Do they think we keep tape measures stashed away for opportune moments?

(The scientist in?

Lucy, by umm, touch.

But then your data would keep changing.

Goodness, it's like you've all never had sex.

but one minor quibble

all the colloquial words for it are insults.

Many, sure, but not even "nearly all"...

todger, wanger, snake, cyclops, manhood, beef-whistle.... I could go on for ages...

However. I have never in my life had a conversation with a female friend in which we compared the sizes of various men's genitalia.

It's possible I just know some really shallow women, but yeah, I have.

Not in an x was bigger than y way, but in a "yeah,?

Many, sure, but not even "nearly all"...

todger, wanger, snake, cyclops, manhood, beef-whistle.... I could go on for ages...

I have always so enjoyed blood engorged love truncheon . I have no idea where it came from, whether I made it up (I'm fairly sure I didn't) or whether I?

Do they think we keep tape measures stashed away for opportune moments?

The cubit is a handy measuring unit
one always has one on hand
or at least at arms length...
so if you can get a little forearm
in the foreplay, plumb?

Your penis is also not the wrong size. It is, exactly and precisely, the size of your penis.

Want to know something else: Porn lies. If nature has endowed you with a schlong that can do double duty as a draught excluder when fully erect, that's nice. Someone who has?

But then your data would keep changing.

Exactly. You can't make those sort of comparisons based on subjective data procured by estimate while you're distracted. That would be unfair. And, worse, inaccurate.

I'm sure Lucy will critique my methodology and unscientific sample, but I've found no correlation between penis size?

If you ask women, who have laid hands on many more penises than I, you get results that fluctuate depending on how they want to make you feel.

I think the biggest problem (hurhur) is actually that most of the time we're not paying a great deal of attention. We?

Exactly. You can't make those sort of comparisons based on subjective data procured by estimate while you're distracted. That would be unfair. And, worse, inaccurate.

This is clearly why I always have so much trouble with maths.

I've found no correlation between penis size and being a skilled, attentive shagger

Wordy McFucking Word.

It's not like we never talk about penises. But we don't make ranked lists or anything.

We don't?

(possibly nsfw, depending how you feel about swear words.)

have my doubts about 'manhood', though. Not just because of the context you most often see it in (alright, I most often see it in), but also because it suggests (or indeed outright states) that your penis is the sum of your man-ness.

Something can be not positive or affirming?

We don't?

She rated their sexual performance. She didn't just get out a measuring tape. And I'm pretty sure that was never intended to be taken seriously by anyone. (Also, this is yet another case of me being utterly confused as to why a particular thing has garnered so much?

Your penis does not look stupid.

We don't think that. It is a glorious beast and we know it.

(Also, this is yet another case of me being utterly confused as to why a particular thing has garnered so much attention.)

We don't need to go to a 'girls are meant to enjoy sex and indulge in twatcockery' place yet, do we?

It doesn't seem fair, having quite aggressively reclaimed female sexuality for women,

I think more aggression and more reclaim is still needed.

and Male sexuality needs more attention than telling us our todgers are cute, but a compliments a compliment. So out of interest what are you looking at when?

Melissa Theuriau appears on the telly

I'm afraid the blood flow in my brain decreased at this point to the degree where I struggled to concentrate on the rest of the post.

/fap

I'd prefer some sort of graph.

Or graphic? ;-)

Let's put some pictures up.

Are drawings allowed?

They promptly joined a nudist club (did I mention that some of?

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK IS THIS STEAMING PILE OF FUCK-WITTED TURDERY? (H/T Russell via Twitter)

The Department of Defense announced today that it is instructing military recruiters to accept enlistees who identify themselves as?

Yet it is my impression that women do have a concept of what constitutes a "good" (or even "great") cock, which seems to be as much aesthetic as it about dimension. Would that be true?

My thought process in response to this question was well bizarre, and I think telling.?

"Well, far be it for me to speak for all women, but in my, um...experience, well...um, there was that one guy with the...oh, and him with the...wait, where was I? Right. Well, there must be some kind of standard, I guess...who was the?

Also, from the Seinfeld school of thinking carefully about gender and bodies:

Jerry: Well, I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day--

Elaine: Whoa! Walking around naked? Ahh... that is not a good look for?

like I should be wrapping a ribbon round it.

NOT an easy task. With either a ribbon or a bow tie.

NOT an easy task. With either a ribbon or a bow tie.

You want to start with a slip knot. You just have to be careful about pulling on it to hard.

(And yes, I did just say that.)

pulling on it to hard.

was that a typo or not?

You just have to be careful about pulling on it to hard.

But you also need it to stay on, which is the hard part, except for the "I need an extra hand, can you just put your finger on here" bit. So you do need to be quite... firm.?

Do you have a viewing preference for....

erect / flaccid / in-between?

circumcised / natural

straight / bent (laterally or vertically)

And probably more importantly than your specific answers, given discussions with friends, do you feel?

circumcised / natural

I feel very strongly that my preferences in this area are beside the fucking point, as it were, compared to the preferences of the owner. Preferably the *adult* owner.

(Anecdotal discussion, however, suggests that women prefer whatever they've had more experience with.)

We like cock, and generally praise it – and most of us are so used to the variety of sizes and shapes they come in that we can handle?

Hmm, I loved the piece Emma, but I guess as a gay man, I see it all a little differently ;-)

The deference to the opinions of women here is a little disconcerting for me, because I do consider gay men to be in the best position to judge. So?

was that a typo or not?

I am honestly not sure.

compared to the preferences of the owner.

I dont think there's much "prefering" going on by owners? Considering the vast majority are performed on owners too young to choose...

I guess if you dont "prefer" what you've already got.... you can choose to have it done (pretty rare?), or want?

And she wanted to know what, if anything, she should do differently. I'm thinking that pleasure is far more likely to be a consideration than aesthetics.

Definitely. There is also, in my experience, NOTHING more discomforting to watch than a demonstration of how stretchy the foreskin really is.

I dont?

Are drawings allowed?

So long as they're not by Van. #outrageous

circumcised / natural

...lets take this piece of skin with lots of nerve running to it and ... well ... cut it off because like it will easier for mummy to keep baby boy clean and later in life when he is in the desert corp he won't get sand?

I guess it's a combination of a) I find the fact that the owners aren't given the choice really fucking disturbing

Lucy, I think you'd have liked my midwife. She told me that if parents told her they wanted their infant son circumcised, she gave them the scalpel and told?

Do you have a viewing preference for....

I can't really answer this either, because the images I have in my head are all attached to specific people. And thus, my feelings aren't objective.

However

And probably more importantly than your specific answers, given discussions with friends, do you feel these?

The Dunedin nude rugby matches are far more akin to ballet than rugby.

I'd love to see a picture of a maul , do they ruck? That would be dangerous.

Surely Sport dictates a bit of strapping, some consideration for the todger.

Guys don't always have a complicated relationship with their cock.

No. And although it's very sweet of Emma to write a blog post to help us feel better about our cocks, I think most guys are on good terms with theirs.

Size does matter for guys: in any group situation?

What a brillant challenge to the haka. I think this should be on prime time saturday night sport.

Lucy, I think you'd have liked my midwife. She told me that if parents told her they wanted their infant son circumcised, she gave them the scalpel and told them to do it their own fucking selves.

I'm a little bit in love.

To put this in context, a guy?

Guys don't always have a complicated relationship with their cock.

No. And although it's very sweet of Emma to write a blog post to help us feel better about our cocks, I think most guys are on good terms with theirs.

But how would you know unless you have a?

are certainly not on good terms with their bodies

Certainly not, damned aging body and all its pathetic requirements.It keeps running out of hydration.

You just have to be careful about
pulling on it to hard.

as many a young campanologist is told
when learning the ropes...

It's practically designed to be caressed

Huh? No they don't get caressed. In the design stakes they get, and should be more than happy with, sucked.?

But how would you know unless you have a good discussion with your friends

We're not women

However. I have never in my life had a conversation with a female friend in which we compared the sizes of various men's genitalia. You guys care way more than we do.

Opposite of my experience, not that it's necessarily any more repesentative than others.

are certainly not on good terms with their bodies

well my penis is fine but my bloody calves won't behave like they used to

Size does matter for guys: in any group situation it usually doesn't take long to sort out who the big swinging dicks are and a sort?

What a brillant challenge to the haka. I think this should be on prime time saturday night sport.

A sports channel finally worth watching and paying for?
Notice too that rugby todgers are all pixillated. If sports fans at home are able to compare dicks on screen, it'd do wonders?

In the design stakes they get, and should be more than happy with, sucked. The penis is practically designed to be sucked but not caressed.

Cool.

In the design stakes they get, and should be more than happy with, sucked. The penis is practically designed to be sucked but not caressed.

Though I don't think you'll find anyone objecting to either.

But how would you know unless you have a good discussion with your friends about your respective peni?

Steady on woman. You'll be wanting us to talk about our feelings next.

But seriously, do women sit around having good discussions about their fannies much?

It's like uroskin said. Our feelings?

When we say we're thinking about nothing, we really are

Really it's just another dangly wobbly bit – to go with all the other dangly wobbly bits – sadly there are more of those each year

Our feelings in this respect might be less complicated than you think ...

A survey by sexologists showed that many men who believed that their penis was of inadequate size had average-sized penises. Another study found sex education of standard penile measurements to be helpful and relieving for patients concerned?

Though we do of course have pillow-fights in our nighties and practice kissing on each other.

That's wicked in so many ways.

Shakespeare, is it?

But vagazling (I have NO idea how to spell that)

Vajazzling.

Really it's just another dangly wobbly bit – to go with all the other dangly wobbly bits – sadly there are more of those each year

I'd have to say I like my penis a lot more than any other dangly-wobbly bit I might possess.

Shakespeare, is it?

Ooooer, Ooor Wully!!

...some say it's your mind!

I'd have to say I like my penis a lot more than any other dangly-wobbly bit I might possess.

do we need Jung or don't
we mention tongue?

Vajazzling.

vajazzhands?

vajazzhands?

Actually LOLed.

Also, allow me to continue to promote this tumblr – unbelievably NSFW, contains explicit sexual material. And smiling, and joy, and fun, and wonder. It is, like pretty much everything this sex-positive, disproportionately LGBT/kinky.

Also, allow me to continue to promote this tumblr – unbelievably NSFW, contains explicit sexual material. And smiling, and joy, and fun, and wonder. It is, like pretty much everything this sex-positive, disproportionately LGBT/kinky.

Warm-hearted erotic tumblr blogs are the shizzle.

Katharine Hepburn as Amazon warrior princess Antiope , yep.

Katharine Hepburn as Amazon warrior princess Antiope , yep.

Oh Hell Yes.

An ex-co-worker of mine once likened me to Katharine Hepburn. She meant it as a slight. It's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.

tumblr blogs are the shizzle.

In the sense that they shit around without loading, yes. My browser hates em for some reason.

It's such a powerful symbol of sexist oppression and dominance that so is anything it lends its shape to: missiles, spears, the CN tower.

Can I just say that I was slightly amused to learn the other day that the Swiss were celebrating reclaiming the "longest tunnel in the world"?

In the sense that they shit around without loading, yes. My browser hates em for some reason.

It's usually the Javascript associated with some themes. If you have NoScript, try temporarily allowing scripts from the URL to see if that makes a difference.

Can I just say that I was slightly amused to learn the other day that the Swiss were celebrating reclaiming the "longest tunnel in the world" crown..

Our tunnel is so long you can jam through it at 250kmh, and it will still take 12 minutes to finish.

No. And although it's very sweet of Emma to write a blog post to help us feel better about our cocks, I think most guys are on good terms with theirs.

"Attached" I think the term is.

And Sally.....we've been waiting......you're late.

As an incomplete I blame my father. Also,?

If you have NoScript, try temporarily allowing scripts from the URL to see if that makes a difference

Yes, did that when it first happened – must be screwing with something below that configurable level.

I knew I could find a funny.

A very old R. Harris Esq with Chuck Berry

Free Country you know.....

Is it still fuctioning? Sounds painful

No n to it.

Hope there are some men out there making the dinner...

Our tunnel is so long you can jam through it at 250kmh, and it will still take 12 minutes to finish.

They also have a tunnel that something very tiny travels through at the speed of light, which causes an earth-shattering explosion that reveals the secrets of the universe.

They also have a tunnel that something very tiny travels through at the speed of light, which causes an earth-shattering explosion that reveals the secrets of the universe.

Or destroys it! How much more climactic can you get!

They also have a tunnel that something very tiny travels through at the speed of light, which causes an earth-shattering explosion that reveals the secrets of the universe.

that's a Large Hadron Collider
the spelling is different...
;- )

Whereas 85% of women were satisfied with their partner's penis size, only 55% of men were satisfied with their penis size, 45% wanted to be larger, and 0.2% wanted to be smaller.

To get back on track, that pretty well reflects the dudes I know.

I mean, can you guys?

we are sitting around talking about our 'fannies'.

Hmmm... I suspected so.

I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it?

What your missing is that Heisenberg's principle applies to penises just as it applies to quarks.

As soon as you attempt to define it's length, it starts to move.

Hmmm... I suspected so.

Damn. Missed the all-important not from that sentence.

As soon as you attempt to define it's length, it starts to move.

Oh, I am pretty sure you can attempt to measure it on every single state, and create some kind of graph.

I am pretty sure you can attempt to measure it on every single state, and create some kind of graph.

Yeah sure – I'm really just looking at the graphs

I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it? And compared notes?

I certainly have never compared notes with another guy, though I have had a couple try and compare notes with me.

Which I just found weird, mostly because I didn't really believe them. "Yeah sure. And?

we are sitting around talking about our 'fannies'.

Hmmm... I suspected so.

To be fair, Megan and I did have a conversation about vulvas last night. It was two lines long and the second was "Yeah, let's not."

Nor have I taken a ruler to any other part.

Um... no.?

Nor have I taken a ruler to any other part.

Darling...I typed that, looked at it, blanched, and then thought, 'nah, Emma will love it. I will leave it'.

To be fair, Megan and I did have a conversation about vulvas last night. It was two lines long and the?

I mean, can you guys honestly say you've never measured it? And compared notes?

Measured, yes, compared, no. TBH, measuring it is not that easy.

Firstly, it's not a particularly arousing thing to be doing, so actually getting a peak reading involves distracting yourself.

Then there's the question of which?

do women sit around having good discussions about their fannies much?

Well, they do expect you to come to the theatre so they can talk at you for hours about theirs.

Whereas men just get all silly about it.

Oh, I am pretty sure you can attempt to measure it on every single state, and create some kind of graph.

One could probably express ones graph as an equation. And then, of course, have that equation printed on a t-shirt. For the ladies. Aw yeah.

It's unusual big flaccid penises grow much larger but small ones can catch you off guard.

Surely conditions can affect the flaccid size a lot. When I'm cold, or scared, mine retracts, which I expect is a safety mechanism in both cases.

Reminds me of a story I heard in?

One could probably express ones graph as an equation. And then, of course, have that equation printed on a t-shirt. For the ladies. Aw yeah.

The geeky, geeky ladies. Who are, of course, the very best kind.

Reciprocally, we could have t-shirts printed for women that said, "My Breasts are?

It's part of the reason why the only measurements I trust are done by third parties

Perhaps we can measure each other's, right before we compare notes?

Measured, yes, compared, no. TBH, measuring it is not that easy...

Ben, is it me or you just took all the fun out of cock-measuring?

"Results vary, with studies that rely on self-measurement reporting a significantly higher average than those with staff measuring, but a mean human penis is approximately 12.9?15 cm (5.1?5.9 in) in length."

a mean human penis is approximately 12.9?15 cm (5.1?5.9 in) in length.

Does it say how long the kind ones are?

If you ever wondered what gay inches were.

DENMARK! (shakes fist)

NEVER PUT YOUR FINGER WHERE YOU WOULDN'T PUT YOUR PENIS.

Advice for life

NEVER PUT YOUR FINGER WHERE YOU WOULDN'T PUT YOUR PENIS

Advice for life

I really want to see you guys cook.

the only measurements I trust are done by third parties

I don't get invites to many parties, these days.

Ben, is it me or you just took all the fun out of cock-measuring?

Being all scientific is quite difficult. I did have one thought about how you could measure cock volume, though, a literal eureka moment. Get it up, and stick it in a full cup (or in my?

Get it up, and stick it in a full cup (or in my case a yard glass ho ho), and measure how much water is displaced. I suggest warm water.

That's brilliant. Let's all do that.

Get it up, and stick it in a full cup (or in my case a yard glass ho ho), and measure how much water is displaced.

I'm not picturing some unusual contortionism as a bunch of fully erect men try to get their penises comfortably pointing directly downwards.

Get it up, and stick it in a full cup (or in my case a yard glass ho ho), and measure how much water is displaced. I suggest warm water

Except that, by that method, short and thick and long and thin would score the same but have very different?

You can't push Willy where Willy won't go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmbEuRzlhIs

Good god its turned into the Todger Dialogue here.

And we know Emma never intended that to happen.

Except that, by that method, short and thick and long and thin would score the same but have very different performance indicators.

It's just another measure to add to the list. We haven't really scratched the surface yet.

Still, I can vividly remembering the first time I had proper (rather than improper) sex. A moment of great illumination: so there was a use for this thing...and were women everywhere walking around with similar facilities for?

In the olden days the blood stained sheet was hung outside the house to prove the bride had been a virgin. Not sure how it worked for boys though.

Maybe a pair of stained Y-fronts?

were women everywhere walking around with similar facilities for bestowing such pleasure!

Luckily for us all, I do not have a copy of Portnoy's Complaint to hand and so cannot quote the passage in which the eponymous narrator expresses a similar sentiment is similarly wonderstruck but less lyrical fashion.

Edit: We were both virgins. Not recommended.

I wonder if this was what Archimedes was really doing in his bath?

Ach! Everyone is an Archimedian here....

Well, what else would ya fill cracks in with?

I guess another way might be to quickly wrap it in plaster of paris.

fondly remembering [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cynthia_Plaster_Caster|Cynthia?

Geoff, my thought was more along the lines of "Thank God that's over, surely it's not always that awful?". But things got better fast.

Edit: We were both virgins. Not recommended.

Not necessarily a problem, as long as you approach things in the right manner (i.e. with lots and lots?

After enquiring I have been assured there will be NO alcohol anywhere at the Chch Free Concert tomorrow – no VIP area serving drinks apparently... and if I hear otherwise after the fact I will be?

- it's bad enough that Bob Parker has thrust himself into The Bats set

Do The Bats have groupies? Hopefully with plaster casting skills? Perhaps Bob could be persuaded to 'thrust' his actual head into a bucket of alginate (Jimi Hendrix did it, your worship – think of the cred)?

Perhaps Bob could be persuaded to 'thrust' his actual head into a bucket of alginate (Jimi Hendrix did it, your worship – think of the cred)

:)

Do The Bats have groupies? Hopefully with plaster casting skills?

What would all the neighbours say?

Much as getting into, out of, and around Hagley Park today did sound like a complete fracking nightmare, I did briefly consider it.

Perhaps Mayor Bob's "urban visionary" mate Hendo will attempt a repeat of this kind of stunt.