Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: Same as it Ever Was

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  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    It was hilarious! Let's go to the pub Jackie? Well we are anyhow.

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6269 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    Or
    My honour, I was awake the entire time. :)

    ...was he awake the entire time? In short, did he sleep with you, even if you did not sleep with him?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 8592 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    "I think you've ripped my penis open".

    <boggle>

    Did he mean... with your teeth? Or with your ladybits?

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3661 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    This is starting to sound a bit clinton-esque. "What do you mean by 'sexual relations'?"

    Oddly, in these coversations it emerged that a friend of mine and I disagree as to whether or not we've had sex.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    Ben, some things just take all night.:)

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6269 posts Report Reply

  • Steve Barnes,

    You see? it's all very funny until someone looses an eye. Like I've said many a time, sex is great, just don't involve others.

    The wireless north ;-) • Since Dec 2006 • 4896 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    Jezuz Jackie, ooouch! I must confess to considerable discomfort during my first sex act, too, though. When you're both virgins, it's not always what it's cracked up to be.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 8592 posts Report Reply

  • Sayana,

    Oddly, in these coversations it emerged that a friend of mine and I disagree as to whether or not we've had sex.

    With each other? or at all?

    Since Sep 2008 • 50 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    I've had a few times where whether or not actual sex occurred depends on how you define terms. Generally if I'm glad it happened I'll call it "sex" and if I'd rather it hadn't it's "not sex". Works best if you never, ever discuss it with the other participant(s) though.

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 706 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    I find it hard to think of it as sex if there's a condom involved. To me, it feels like having sex with a condom (which would probably be my very last choice of a sex-toy, if I was into them).

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 8592 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    With each other?

    Erm, yes, that. And I believe Isabel has summed up the basis of the dispute quite nicely there.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson,

    I first heard that method in Goodbye Pork Pie, before I was legally allowed to even see the movie, let alone have sex.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 8592 posts Report Reply

  • Stewart,

    OK, I'll buck the trend and admit to having had sex with prostitutes. Can't see what the big deal is, really.

    It's only been a couple of times - honest!

    The first time was years ago and my good mate and I were on our way to the UK on our OE. We had a stop-over in Singapore for a couple of days - just one night - which coincided with his birthday.
    It was all very exotic and foreign and we were just having a good time, checking out the shops (at that time so very different from pastoral NZ) and then having a few beers in the hotel.
    After a while we were wondering where to go in the evening - it was now about 6pm and we had been drinking Anchor beers & scoffing free satays in the hotel bar - and we asked one of the waitresses about a couple of places. When we mentioned the Tropicana she frowned and said something like "Too many prositoose" which was all it took for us to decide that the Tropicana was the place to go.

    Anyway, a short while later, joking and laughing in the taxi, the driver must have overheard some of our conversation because he indicated that he could take us to a house with some "nice girls, better than the ones at the Tropicana". Going with the flow was the order of the day so we got driven through the tropical dusk and ended up at a disappointingly sleazy looking place where we were ushered in and about 8 ladies (from memory they looked to range from about 18 to 40) were paraded in front of us, all fully clothed and smiling encouragingly. There was only 1 stand-out and I immediately decided she was the one for me - but it was my mates birthday so I told him to choose first and, of course, he chose the one I fancied. So I chose the 'next-best' and we paid The Man and set out for the evening with our escorts.

    To shorten a long story we went to a couple of nightclubs, danced and drank and enjoyed being young and horny and in a foreign exotic situation. At one point my mate discovered that he had lost his wallet which was a bit of a bummer but not the end of the world. Then it was back to the hotel, gigling at sneaking the 'girls' up to our rooms, and getting on with 'the main event' - it was a shared room so there wasn't much left to the imagination, both of us trying to enjoy it to the max (although that expression wasn't around at the time). From memory it wasn't competitive...

    We ushered them out the next morning and spent a while comparing notes. My mate proudly waved his wallet in my face - he had realised that his prostitute had lifted it from him so he had got up in the middle of the night and 'stolen' it back!

    Te Ika A Maui - Waitakere… • Since Oct 2008 • 572 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart,

    The closest I've come to having a sordid past is the unfortunate sixth sense the people who scheduled fire drills at my hall of residence had for the usage of handcuffs. Or rope. Or any form of bondage, actually.

    It probably doesn't count as a good sordid story because we always just managed to get decent and out of the building before the fire warden knocked on the door, but it was extremely frustrating.

    Amherst, MA • Since Nov 2006 • 2093 posts Report Reply

  • johnno,

    but it was extremely frustrating.

    which may, or may not, have proved quite stimulating... at least to one of you... :-)

    wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 108 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    I was very nearly thrown out of my Hall of Residence due to having men in my room after hours. Unfair thing is that I mostly provided crash space for people who shouldn't have been driving home whereas the two women on my floor who had boyfriends actually living in their rooms got clean away with it.

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 706 posts Report Reply

  • Tony Parker,

    I'm just glad I didn't start reading this post while still at school today with my 5 year olds!!!

    Isabel-loved your story just for the church steps and Matai river mention. Part of my childhood.

    Napier • Since Nov 2008 • 232 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart,

    which may, or may not, have proved quite stimulating... at least to one of you... :-)

    It was more that half an hour of standing outside watching half the boys dick around in their boxers because they'd been "in the shower" (read: had stripped down because they thought it was funny) is one of the most effective mood-killers in existence.

    Amherst, MA • Since Nov 2006 • 2093 posts Report Reply

  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    Good on you Stewart, ya know, I saw my dad tonight and said to him " Aunty ---- was a prostitute all her adult life right?" and chorus from my man and my dad was " of course"
    In my insane normal way, it felt good that I had grown up in the family I did. Just don't sweat the small shit.Life is after all worth living.:)

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6269 posts Report Reply

  • TracyMac,

    Oh, the whole Guardian line on prostitution, with Tanya Gold leading the charge, makes me very tired.

    I had a go at an article that Zoe Williams wrote last year concerning Belle deJ, which basically said that if you want to patronise prostitutes, you're doing it pretty much because you get off on the desperation of oppressed women. I think that's fairly far down the list of motivating factors, myself. I didn't particularly like her assertion that proper feminists wouldn't ever be able to find anything redeemable about the industry either.

    As for my own sordid deeds, there was the rather fraught school-term when I screwed my three best friends (um, all same-sex) within weeks of each other, more than a decade before I decided I was polyamorous. Then there was the time that two of the aforementioned friends and I went to a women's music festival. One of them and I got it on in the wee van we were using as a quasi-campervan. When the other one came by after the music finished to kip down in the van, we tossed her sleeping bag out and invited her to sleep in the communal tent instead. I still cringe about it now, 23 years later.

    And that's before all the drunken (ok, there may have been some pot involved) and/or kinky and/or multiply-partnered exploits I've got up to subsequently. One thing tho', I'm poly but not into threesomes/group sex. What is up with that?

    Canberra, West Island • Since Nov 2006 • 487 posts Report Reply

  • TracyMac,

    Oh, and I forgot. I was conceived in a brothel. You can't get much more sordid than that.

    Famous Flora's used to hire out rooms-by-the-hour in the late 60s. And that's where my sailor-father and my mother made me. Bless.

    Canberra, West Island • Since Nov 2006 • 487 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    the usage of handcuffs. Or rope. Or any form of bondage, actually.

    At one point when I was living in the Aro Valley, my mate's little brother turned up on our doorstep because he'd been locked into a pair of joke handcuffs and we were the sort of people likely to have spare keys. And lo, we did, and we let him free.

    Another friend-based story: the time one of our mates turned up at the flat wanting help, because he'd failed to take basic precautions before doing something interesting. Specifically, he'd bought a tin of paint-on latex. Upon arriving home, he'd stripped naked and tried painting a pair of latex shorts on himself. Tres sensual, innit. After admiring himself for a while, he realised something. He hadn't shaved prior to painting the latex on. He was fairly hirsute. So he was now wearing a pair of painted-on shorts that included rather a lot of body hair integral to the structure. So, for some reason, he turned up on our front doorstep wanting to know if there was anything we could do to help. We handed him a pair of nail scissors and said good luck. He spent three hours sitting in our bath carefully pulling the latex out from his body a bit, cutting all the hairs; repeat.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 708 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    Hmm...I am procrastinating again (must get that book chapter finished!) and trying to dredge up memories of past misdeeds. The problem is that I am great believer in deleting files and that includes those stored in the brain.

    But I do recall living in an old house in Mt. Victorira which was slowly slipping towards Oriental Bay. After vigorous sex with my future wife, there would be the usual lull and calm; then the two gay guys in the flat immediately above us would begin, and attempt to out-volume us. It became a bit of a regular and sustained competition. It was the same flat where we were awoken by a mad neighbour at 3am, calling out "My boyfriend has overdosed. Can you come and help". My response, through the half-opened door, was,
    "Why are you asking me?"
    "Because you are a doctor!"
    "But I am not that kind of doctor!!"

    I love such kind of misreadings. We have a sign on our gate which reads "Dim Parcio" (Welsh for "No parking"), and had several letters arrive addressed to "Dear Mr Parcio" or "Dear Mr Dim Parcio"?

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2318 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    Tracymac Aaah the callousness of the young and horny.

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 706 posts Report Reply

  • rodgerd,

    Modesty forbids me from saying anything other than to ask Nat Torkington about the time he walked into my house, demanded to know "How many goats did you have to sacrifice to make this happen?", and then wrote the evening up for Usenet consumption.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 512 posts Report Reply

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