Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: The Ex Files

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  • JackElder,

    Ah, clearly that's what the "bi" part means: it's implying a 2:1 ratio in the gender of your sexual partners. Hence, if she'd called you a septisexal, she'd have had to recommend that you have 5 husbands and 35 wives.

    Which seems terribly exhausting.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 708 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    The odds of them working out that drunk people were trying to calculate the speed of light in Moro bars per micro-fortnight is pretty much nil.

    Though at least if they manage to deduce the "moro bars" and "micro-fortnight" parts, then the "drunk" bit would follow rather naturally.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1039 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Neal Stephenson would be deeply disappointed in me.

    And I'm kind of disappointed that Stephenson has decided to become utterly incomprehensible, and take his time about it. It all evens out, eventually.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 11859 posts Report Reply

  • Gareth Ward,

    she did explicitly give me permission to have 5 husbands and 10 wives and have sex with them all out in your front yard at noon everyday

    I wonder if the HR Institute run an awards ceremony for Best Contractual Non-Cash Benefit Scheme? Certainly makes my 2.7% discount on health insurance look decidedly underwhelming.

    Auckland, NZ • Since Mar 2007 • 1721 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    I know I'm meant to be curious (note - that's not bi-curious) about what provoked an employer to focus on your sexuality like that, right?

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16470 posts Report Reply

  • Isabel Hitchings,

    Wasn't it pineapple lumps per picosecond?

    I find it really hard to tease the good and bad apart in memories. Often the shitty times were either the logical end to something that had been wonderful or the catalyst to something better or the times I discovered my own strength (mind you this is coming from someone who has had very little that is truly awful happen to them)

    Christchurch • Since Jul 2007 • 704 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I know I'm meant to be curious (note - that's not bi-curious) about what provoked an employer to focus on your sexuality like that, right?

    Far be it from me to 'should' your curiosity. It was a long drawn-out tawdry tiresome series of disputes, as it usually is. To be fair, she wasn't just homophobic, she was also racist, and the last I heard she'd fired her second-to-last employee because 'Polish Catholic' wasn't Christian enough for her. I think there was a point at which she spent more time thinking about my sex life than I did.

    Wasn't it pineapple lumps per picosecond?

    That rings a little bell, though it's not the set I have. What's weird is when you have a conversation with someone about something that happened fifteen years ago and discover that you have two almost entirely different sets of memories about it. I remember you and Pauline being unable to work out what I saw in Mike the Bartender, and me waiting until he was walking away from us and saying 'there it is'. But that may turn out to not have been you at all.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4339 posts Report Reply

  • Andrew Stevenson,

    It's enough to know that should I ever decide to use my powers for evil, I would fucking rock at it.

    Can we watch?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 195 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    Scan them all. Wear them round your neck in an attractive USB stick on a chain.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2073 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Geek jewellery, what's the world coming to.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16470 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Can we watch?

    Hey, when I'm standing on the table yelling "World Domination!" someone has to clap politely.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4339 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Geek jewellery, what's the world coming to.

    *cough*

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4339 posts Report Reply

  • Andrew Stevenson,

    I think there was a point at which she spent more time thinking about my sex life than I did.

    Given she wrote a 1500 word slew, that implies spending far too much time.

    Perhaps thats one benefit of keeping this kind of stuff, you haul it out later and run it past some people whose judgement you trust (or at least know where their irrationalities are). The response of "What flavour of batfuck crazy were they?" is sooo deeply satisfying

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 195 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    That broken image necklace is classic. And now I want those caffeine molecular cufflinks, damn you Mrs D.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16470 posts Report Reply

  • John Russell,

    I'm pretty sure it was pineapple lumps per microfortnight. Or attofortnight? Anyway, beer was involved. On an unrelated note, if you are going to have sex with your ten wives and husbands, we'll set up a pay site. Streaming video. Web 2.0! I'll take a cut. Call me, we'll put together a deal.

    Auckland • Since Aug 2008 • 17 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Call me, we'll put together a deal.

    As far as I can throw you, darling.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4339 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Often the shitty times were either the logical end to something that had been wonderful or the catalyst to something better

    You know, on consideration I think you're entirely right about this. Every time I seriously think about the whole Pam debacle I'm reminded of how wonderful one of my friends/co-workers was at sticking her neck out to support me through it. Stops me disappearing entirely into my own... navel.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4339 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    Semirelated: one of my happiest moments in work was watching my ex-manager being removed from the building by security. At one point, he'd had all four of his direct reports file separate grievance claims against him simultaneously. He was a legendary fuckwit, whose name became a byword for pointless interference and last-minute changes (no, really, we came up with a backronym for it and everything). It was the shining nugget of corn in the turd that was a major round of redundancies that he could be laid off easily without having to go through a tedious, protracted legal process. When he left the building, literally everyone who had worked for him went to the pub to celebrate.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 708 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    A different kind of ex. :)

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16470 posts Report Reply

  • Karen White,

    <quote>shining nugget of corn in the turd<quote>

    roflnui

    My ex-boss has yet to have his come-upannce for his daily screaming (literally) fits at one or all of the staff.
    "one day Roger Fitz, one day!"

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 76 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    My ex-boss has yet to have his come-upannce for his daily screaming (literally) fits at one or all of the staff.

    It boggles me how these people hold jobs. I mean, my ex-boss was running her own business, but she also had a real-life middle-management job where she had to deal with real people face to face, and we were seriously considering that she might be an actual sociopath. Yet once you get on to this subject, these mad bosses don't seem that uncommon.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4339 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    I have encountered a government manager with such abysmal communication and reasoning skills and lack of empathy that I can't for the life of me figure how they even got through the job interview let alone getting constantly promoted and affecting actual people's lives. Can't be that hard to fire them or demand human decency, surely.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16470 posts Report Reply

  • Andrew Stevenson,

    It boggles me how these people hold jobs

    Keep telling the management what they want to hear to get brownie points
    On the basis ofbrownie points spread influence within the organisation like a tumour
    When the time eventually comes that management finds out the extent of the problem, and decides to actually deal with the problem (the longer of the two items), they will be (a) in another job or (b) inoperably linked so managment decides its too hard to get rid of them

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 195 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    I had a coworker who pulled a knife on a customer during a business trip once - after he was "let go" the company moved a chunk of engineering into a hotels for a while and paid a PI to follow him around for a couple of weeks ....

    (this was after a spate of workplace mayhem in Silicon Valley that culminated with a top secret defense research lab being exposed by the spree of disgruntled employee with a shotgun .... I never understood why he couldn't just get even by selling out to the Russians or the Israelis like everyone else)

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2073 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    I note that Paul's career seems vastly more exciting than mine so far.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16470 posts Report Reply

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