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Posted at 10:06AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I'll probably be bronzed & stood at the bottom of the garden. Keep the birds away from the fruit trees. Possibly holding a tray so that people can sit in deckchairs nearby & rest their drinks.

But seriously, there's a guy called Justin Duckworth, he's an ordained anglican vicar from Waikanae, he's got dreads, has been known to officiate in shorts & bare feet & gets a line of people after anything he's done queueing up to book him for their own funerals & weddings. He's been a professional clown & unicyclist.

He did my sister's funeral & in keeping with her beliefs kept it free of religion.

However the day pans out, I think I'd like Justin officiating.

Posted at 10:09AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

Heh - I'll be asking Justin to attend to mine as well - he is the man.

And I'll be using my life insurance claim to pay for the Straitjacket Fits to reform and play 'Down in Splendour'

Or maybe the Pixies to play 'Debaser' .... might need to bump up my coverage.

Posted at 10:17AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

Mmmm.... I wonder if mine would stretch to getting Leanard Nimoy to get back together & perform The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.

Posted at 10:19AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

Apologies for the shameless but highly relevant plug which follows..

I've just designed and am in the process of launching a range of contemporary, eco-friendly coffins. Made of engineered bamboo, there's currently two - an adult version and one specifically for infants (a truly tragic event but not uncommon).

A very cobbled-together holding page here: www.tenderrest.co.nz
Hover over the bambino and nextgen icons and right-click/view image for a better view.
Hover on the contact details ad send me an email if you'd like a brochure with the details.

Or if you're in Wellington, they're on display at Pataka gallery for another few days as part of the Inventor Next Door exhibition.

Posted at 10:28AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

i've always thought cremated if i die of illness, and buried if i die in a firey crash.

and! hopefully buried in one of andrews coffins, and not compressed into a diamond.

personally i'm a great fan of the wake. when my maternal grandmother died, the snide old cow she was, my grandfather sat in their lounge and all her sisters turned up. the old people shared stories, we all drank wine, and i have never been so happy-sad ever since. let's face it, it's hard to get septagenarians to rage out. but we made do.

the music at the official-type ceremony will have to be "lay me down" by the frames.

Posted at 10:35AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I've always wanted to be composted -which isn't really allowed but there is a move to natural burials which I think suits me. NO icky chemicals etc. There was some ancient celtic (?) ritual which involved being painted red and placed in a foetal position in the ground which appeals. And a big party - no sad funerally thing

Posted at 10:54AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

i'd like to ejected into space... or failing that have explosives strapped to my body & ejected from a plane with the fuse lit...

Posted at 11:05AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I don't want to be facile, but anyone who attends my funeral is going to have to suffer through a Catholic funeral with all the smells and bells. Sorry, folks, but it's not all about you. (Though I'm sure sure that I'll be able to get away with All Things Dull And Ugly as the Recessional:

All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

AMEN.

Posted at 11:08AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I don't actually care what happens to my body. Harvest the organs, dispose of it tidily, but I don't feel strongly about respecting my physical body once the life is gone from it. Perhaps that will all change when I feel more mortal (I am in my 20s after all).

Has anyone seen Hunter S.Thompson's memorial that he designed himself? Hilarious monstrosity typical of the man :

"Thompson's ashes were fired from a cannon atop a 153-foot tower of his own design (in the shape of a double-thumbed fist clutching a peyote button) to the tune of Bob Dylan's "Mr. Tambourine Man", known to be the song most respected by the late writer. Red, white, blue, and green fireworks were launched along with his ashes."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunter_S._Thompson#Funeral

Posted at 11:08AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I’d like to be cremated and have the ashes scattered from the top of the sand hills at Himitangi Beach. Lots of happy childhood memories of running along the top of the hills (before the marram plantings) with the wind blowing me up/down and the feel of the cold iron-sand thudding beneath me. Be cool to be part of the hills.
The only problem will be picking the one day a year when the wind won’t blow me straight back into those doing the scattering, although I kind of like the idea of finally really getting up a few peoples noses.

Posted at 11:18AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

You can do it your way: so how do you want to go? ... with a bang?

Oh god, yes please. Blame Denny Crane but I want to go out like James Howard Marshall II* (but not like Hef, cos that's - y'know - just too much).

As for the actual funeral ... meh. I'm gone.

(*OK, so he didn't actually die doing it but let's not let the facts get in the way of a common male fantasy) (What do you mean I'm on my own on this one?)

Posted at 11:34AM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

For god sake whoever does a funeral must know the person, nothing like going to one where they haven't got a clue what's in the box.

I'm keen on the family friends ones I've been to. We filled in the grave, would have been happy to dig it as well. It gives something for you to do, which at a time of powerlessness over all other things, can help.

Sorry can't deal with the idea of being burnt, but under a the grapefruit tree/Kowhai/Totara would be nice.

Posted at 12:10PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

For god sake whoever does a funeral must know the person

It does help. Luckily my family have known Justin since he was a toddler.

Posted at 1:24PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I sort of like the idea of one of my uncles send off
Funeral in one of Cristchurches trendiest churches ( vicar later done for shop lifting if you need clues)
Front pew filled with a couple of ex-wifes, fiance, and possible a mistress/girl friend. All talking to each other in a civilised way
Rest of church filled with sobbing grandchildren and family

Unfortunatly I missed it as a good mate was drowned that week and that was a tear jerker

Not saying that would be my choice but it was in the style of the man, who really did start with bugger all

Me a quick impersonal service will be just fine, maybe a booze up afterwards, who cares I will be dead

Posted at 1:39PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

who cares I will be dead

Can't remember the circumstances exactly (and can't be arsed looking it up) but I once wondered (or read someone else's wondering) what would people like said at their funeral.

Only response I recall was from David Slack, who would like to hear this at his funeral:

"Look! He's moving!"

Posted at 2:17PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

Sorry can't deal with the idea of being burnt, but under a the grapefruit tree/Kowhai/Totara would be nice.

I also would like this, just a tree no marker, but the last time I checked it wasn't legal.

I'm just happy I've lived long enough that I'm now in a situation where I know my partner would prevent my mother from giving me a decent Christian burial.

Posted at 3:30PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I also would like this, just a tree no marker, but the last time I checked it wasn't legal.

A guy from the UK was interviewed on national radio last week about this very matter. His business does it there. Hopefully it will be legalised here at some stage.

I'd definitely want the marker though. It'd be a bit rude if 10 years later someone came along and chainsawed your tree down and used it for firewood.

Posted at 3:59PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

Do you live on the Kapiti Coast?

You can rot under a tree to your deceased heart's content there, as from last February:
http://tinyurl.com/5yoxk6

Posted at 4:09PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

"I also would like this, just a tree no marker, but the last time I checked it wasn't legal."

Natural burial cemetaries are springing up all over NZ. The Wellington one opened a couple of weeks back, there are others aroud the country and more in process of being setup. Googling Natural Burials or similar will point you in the right drection.

It's common practice at these places to plant a tree, but the grave location is also recorded by GPS (so you can find the right tree aterwards..!).

Personally I find some of the eco-rhetoric a bit OTT and not entirely defensible (I did some calculations against the claim that cremation "used a large amount of energy" for instance, and figured it takes about the same amount of energy (gas or electricity) as about 30 litres of petrol - ie not a helluva lot in the context of how much was burnt en-route to the funeral and on the drive out to the cemetary...). But the idea of becoming tree-food is a nice one.

Posted at 6:30PM on 22 May 08. Permalink.

I try to avoid going to funerals.......especially my own.