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Posted at 10:52AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Imagine you're a woman. This will be easier for some of you than others, obviously. Enjoy the easy, it's about to get harder.

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Imagine you're a woman. This will be easier for some of you than others, obviously. Enjoy the easy, it's about to get harder.

You're widowed, and you've been on your own with your kids for a long time when you meet a man. He's charming and funny. He compliments you and makes you feel better than you have for a long time. There's a very attractive dynamic energy about him. He's got the gift of the gab. Better than any of that, he loves you.

You get married. A bit after that, you have a daughter. He dotes on her: it's pretty clear he thinks she pukes sunshine and poops rainbows. He's a wonderful father to her. He can't spend enough time playing with her. He doesn't read to her, he tells her stories, wonderful made-up stories about an invisible orange leprechaun called George whose job is to look after her. He'll come home after a day at work and let her ride around the lounge on his back. And alright, he spoils her a bit, but obviously only because he loves her.

He's not quite so keen on your other children, but that's understandable. It's not easy raising someone else's kids, especially when they're already surly hormonal teenagers. They push him. Of course he's going to lose his temper with them sometimes. Alright, the time he drove one all the way down the two-storey outside staircase by hitting him in the face with a tea-towel, that was probably a bit not okay, but that only happened once. They're old enough to be leaving home anyway – that’s probably best for everyone.

And yes, when he's had a few drinks, he loses his temper. It's easy for you to set him off even when you don't really mean to. But when he goes a bit far, he's always sorry. He's still lovely when he's sober. He only does it because you mean so much to him. He knows he has a problem with the drinking and he's trying to change. It's not easy, but he is trying.

Then one night, you're having an argument in the kitchen when your five-year-old daughter comes in. She pushes her way between you and yells at her father to leave you alone, her little face a picture of righteous indignation. And he hits her. She's only little: she flies right across the room and hits the floor. And he turns to you in a fury and yells, "Look what you made me do!"

Well screw that. It's okay if it happens to you, you can look out for yourself. And you got your boys away, they're safe. But if you can't protect her, and if he can't stop himself hurting the person he loves most in the world? It's time to make it stop.

So you get your daughter and try to leave while your husband clings on to the door of your Austin 1100 and screams abuse at you and your girl curls up in the passenger seat and just screams. You go to your mother's. Two problems there. First, she's a bit of a stickler for lying in beds you've made. Second, she lives way out in the country, so when your husband tracks you down, you know it's going to be a good hour or so before you could get a cop there, if they even bother. So you go back home.

The next time, you go to a friend's house. He finds you there, too. Rather than watch your friend get her indignant certainty smacked off her face, you go back home. You know she's disappointed with you, but better that than have her understand the only way anyone really can.

Anywhere you go, you're going to take trouble with you. You'd put anyone who tried to help you in danger. He knows all of the friends and family you have left to you, and who else could you impose upon like that?

He's pretty angry that you tried to leave, though, and that you've been talking about private things with other people. When you arrive at the police station, at least the state of your face makes them take you seriously. A really nice, and very large, officer goes back to your house and gets your daughter. Then they take you to a Women's Refuge.

He's really mad now, but he can't find you. That's not easy: it means staying away from your friends and your other kids, and keeping your daughter out of school for a while. You have to take sick leave from work. It means being in a strange place and listening to your kid complain about sharing a room with strangers.

But people are great. They keep telling you it's not your fault. There are people who actually understand what you've gone through. They know how to get you help. It isn't long before you have somewhere new to live, and your other kids have a home to come back to. The first night, you have fish and chips on the floor in the dark because there's no power and no furniture and it's great.

Going back to work isn't easy, and neither is seeing him again, which you have to do. You move once because he finds out where you're living from your daughter. You worry about him too, how he'll cope without you, just how self-destructive he'll get. You want him to get help and sort himself out. You still love him. When he dies, you'll grieve for him. You'll tell your daughter what a good father he was to her, and she'll shut the hell up because she knows you don’t want to hear, "No Mum, he was a complete shit, I was always terrified of him, I'm glad he's dead and nobody who could treat you like that was ever a good anything." It's easy for her, it's much more complicated for you.

Still, it was absolutely worth it. You know that for sure the night your daughter calls you to come pick her up from a party in an absolute fury. You find her walking home with her boyfriend running after her arguing with her, but she just gets in your car and leaves. The bruises on her face don't come up until the next day, when she still won't take his calls, no matter how many times he tries to apologise. And you know she's going to be okay.

You can stop imagining now, because that wasn't your story. It's a story that's happening somewhere, though, right now. All the time.

The Women's Refuge Appeal is collecting on the 24th and 25th of July. But you can slip them a twenty via their website right now. It's something you can do, and it's easy.

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David Haywood
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 539
Moderator

Posted at 10:52AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Bit of an emotional read, that one. A nasty subject, but very nicely written... Thank you, Emma.

Deborah
From: Adelaide
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 807

Posted at 11:28AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

As David said.

Also, that this type of story is so common - a woman who simply has nowhere to go, and very few financial resources, even if she has all the courage in the world. There can be huge barriers to just leaving. And the act of leaving can be the most dangerous time of all.

Thank you for this, Emma.

Jackie Clark
From: Mt Eden, Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1189

Posted at 11:31AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Oh Emma.

Danielle
From: PAS Women's XV Strategic Headquarters
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2241

Posted at 11:32AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Thank you.

Russell Brown
From: Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 9002
Moderator

Posted at 11:34AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

You. Write. So. Well.

James Francis
From: Sunny Tawa by the sea
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 84

Posted at 11:51AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Thank you, Emma. That's an incredibly powerful piece of writing.

My Mum has worked as a Refuge volunteer for over thirty years in a pretty desperate part of the country. They - the volunteers - know these stories but of course they can't tell them. I'm pleased that somebody can.

81stcolumn
From: Nawthshaw
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 500

Posted at 11:54AM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Thank you Emma

It's frightening how much of this goes on.

Bingo anyone ?

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2620
Moderator

Posted at 12:14PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Thanks, guys.

Part of growing up for me was really wanting to understand how this could have happened. My mother is a very smart, strong woman. I think the most important thing to realise is that it's never bad all the time. Sometimes it's lovely - I hate to be clichéd, but I think Once Were Warriors did a good job of portraying that. And as Deborah says, it is very, very difficult to 'just leave'. You don't have to be weak or stupid or lazy to stay when it might mean losing your job and your home, shifting your kids' schools, avoiding your friends and family. You just have to be human.

giovanni tiso
From: Wellington
Since: Jun 2007
Posts: 4281

Posted at 12:14PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

They - the volunteers - know these stories but of course they can't tell them

But the victims themselves can, and the Refuge newsletter (which is terrific) regularly features them. The ones published to date are collected here.

giovanni tiso
From: Wellington
Since: Jun 2007
Posts: 4281

Posted at 12:16PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

(Also, what everyone else said: thank you so much for this, Emma.)

Roger Lacey
From: Whatakataka Bay Surf Club
Since: Apr 2008
Posts: 32

Posted at 12:24PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

The Women's Refuge Appeal is collecting on the 24th and 25th of July. But you can slip them a twenty via their website right now. It's something you can do, and it's easy.

Just done it. Sure is easy, everybody should try.
Pity we can't fix the s***s who do the abuse quite as easily.
Great post Emma.

Paul Williams
From: Sydney
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1351

Posted at 12:29PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Thank you Emma.

Jolisa
From: Northeast US
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 769

Posted at 12:56PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Amen, Emma.

Gareth Ward
From: Auckland, NZ
Since: Mar 2007
Posts: 1379

Posted at 1:02PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Cripes, powerful stuff. Nice work.

Russell Brown
From: Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 9002
Moderator

Posted at 1:23PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Staying with the theme, Kristin Dunne-Powell on Media7 last week:

She has a nice riposte to Jane Clifton at the end as to why the hell would she shut up about domestic violence in the week before the Women's Refuge appeal.

Deborah
From: Adelaide
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 807

Posted at 1:29PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

But the victims themselves can, and the Refuge newsletter (which is terrific) regularly features them. The ones published to date are collected here.

My girls have been asking anxiously why I'm crying.

andrew llewellyn
From: Wellington
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2061

Posted at 1:38PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Awesome. Makes me remember my wife hasn't seen her father since she was 9. She's one of 7 kids - he went on to have at least 6 more somewhere. The two families have never met as far as I know. I wonder if they & their mum had similar experiences. I kind of hope he's living sad & lonely somewhere.

Danielle
From: PAS Women's XV Strategic Headquarters
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2241

Posted at 1:40PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

You know what kills me, before I even get to the stories? The 'Hide My Visit' button. Of course, but also... god. That's horrible.

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2620
Moderator

Posted at 1:51PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

You know what kills me, before I even get to the stories? The 'Hide My Visit' button. Of course, but also... god. That's horrible.

That got me too, Danielle, and the detailed instructions on how to clear your cache. It speaks volumes.

Makes me remember my wife hasn't seen her father since she was 9.

The last time I was home, my mum gave me a bunch of my stuff to take away. In among all the old photos was a birthday card I don't even remember receiving from my father, sent when he was living in Brisbane. There was some confusion about when it was sent, but the postmark told me he knew how old I was, but not what year it was. He asked for a photo of me - he hadn't seen me for about six years. And because it was a card for my fifteenth birthday, I know I didn't send it, and he died a couple of months later. Alone.

I sat there for about half an hour, holding that card, trying to work out how the fuck I felt about it.

My girls have been asking anxiously why I'm crying.

I'm planning to get my shit back together some time before my kids get home from school.

mark taslov
From: 13th floor, Garden of the family Xia, Sun Palace.
Since: Mar 2008
Posts: 1121

Posted at 1:53PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Well that ripped my heart out of chest, dowsed it in kerosine, grilled it for a couple of eons, slapped it between two folic acid laced buns and Federer served it back into the tiny compartment from whence it was issued. I'm staggered that the Womens refuge isn't already fully funded by the Government.

Megan Wegan
From: Welly
Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 399

Posted at 1:56PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

I'm planning to get my shit back together some time before my kids get home from school.

Could you find mine and bring it back to me before everyone in my office wonders why I'm crying at my desk?

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5276

Posted at 1:57PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Emma, your mother must be proud to have such a compassionate, thoughtful and brave daughter.

Megan Wegan
From: Welly
Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 399

Posted at 2:22PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Emma, your mother must be proud to have such a compassionate, thoughtful and brave daughter.

Word.

And I wonder if your kids know how lucky they are.

Kyle Matthews
From: Dunedin
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 4380

Posted at 2:35PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

I truly don't understand people sometimes. Fucked up beyond humanity even if it's half true.

webweaver
From: Wellington
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 156

Posted at 4:09PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Emma - thank you so much for this.

It's encouraged me to make a donation on the Women's Refuge website - and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Morgan Nichol
From: Auckland CBD
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 159

Posted at 4:13PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Would have had more impact if you'd actually said it was your story. As it is, I'm meant to imagine it's my story am I? Well it's not my story. My mother left my father, and brought me up in a safe loving home (and he was never violent).

Perhaps this pretense is evidence that you're still trying to escape from something.

Danielle
From: PAS Women's XV Strategic Headquarters
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2241

Posted at 4:15PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

WTF, dude?

stephen walker
From: tokyo
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 523

Posted at 4:19PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Well it's not my story.

the story is written in a way that asks the reader to imagine he or she is the woman in the story. no one said the story is about you. can you imagine? do you have empathy? if yes and yes, then there does not seem to be a problem.

Paul Williams
From: Sydney
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1351

Posted at 4:20PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Hey Morgan, good that you had a good childhood, really good, but I find some of your comment gratuitous and frankly offensive. I don't think for a moment Emma's suggesting all Dads are violent or that all separations are due to violence.

Morgan Nichol
From: Auckland CBD
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 159

Posted at 4:23PM on 20 Jul 09. Permalink.

Paul, where was I offensive?

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