Southerly: Dr Lockwood Smith: End of Session Speech 2009 : Public Address

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Southerly: Dr Lockwood Smith: End of Session Speech 2009

Posted at 10:55PM on 17 Dec 09. Permalink.

Public Address would like to thank the Speaker's Office for kindly allowing us permission to reproduce Dr Smith's end-of-session speech.

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Public Address would like to thank the Speaker's Office for kindly allowing us permission to reproduce Dr Smith's end-of-session speech.

* * *

Once again, we have reached the end of another parliamentary year. Despite the economic downturn, it has -- in many ways -- been the most successful year ever in parliament. Not least because of the sense of flair and excitement that I've been able to introduce as Speaker of the House.

I realize that many of the junior members will know me only from my role in cabinet, where I was arguably the greatest Minister for International Trade in New Zealand history. But before that, of course, I had an award-winning career in television, and worked with many of the great names: William Demarest, Charles Carlton Maxwell, and Bamboo Harvester -- to name but three wonderful 'small screen' actors. I need only close my eyes to feel, once again, the glamour, drama, poise, and sense of haute école in those pioneering days of television.

In fact, the very phrase haute école immediately brings to mind the marvellous James Dean, who was perhaps my closest confidante when I first arrived in Hollywood. J. Edgar Hoover had recommended me to Jimmy as someone who could help him in his transition from cinema to television. I have happy memories of accompanying Jimmy on one of his car-buying expeditions: he had his heart set on a Porsche 550 Spyder, whereas I suggested the Volvo L3314. "I don't even like the word 'Volvo'," Jimmy told me, "it just sounds like somewhere I wouldn't want to go." Oh, how different television history would have been -- not to mention Jimmy's personal life -- if only he'd heeded my advice.

Another case of haute école was a struggling young actor called Dick O'Donohue. I took an instant liking to him, but felt that his surname was too Irish-Catholic to succeed in Hollywood. At one of Frank Sinatra's parties, I told Dick that he should drop 'O'Donohue' in favour of the stage name 'Van Dyke'. As so often happens in my life, it was an instant success, and -- solely on the basis of the new name -- former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was inspired to invest her personal fortune in backing his television series.

It was through the 'Dick Van Dyke Show' that I met the young Mary Tyler Moore. I instantly thought that Mary was, quite simply, haute école personified. My instincts told me that she would make a wonderful television producer, and I immediately suggested the name 'MTM' for her production company. "It's a play on 'MGM'," I told her. "You could even spoof the slogan with a little ginger kitten instead of a lion. And, if you made a television series about a cranky psychologist, you could have him saying 'meow' when the kitten opens its mouth. You could even have a siren noise if you decided to produce a police drama."

Of course, at a single stroke I had come up with the idea for 'The Bob Newhart Show' and 'Hill Street Blues'. After that, Mary simply adored me, and she insisted that I meet her friend Suzanne Pleshette. Suzanne was simply bursting with haute école. I took one look at her, and said: "I bet you're a fantastic seamstress." I designed some fabric and Suzanne sewed it together, and the next thing I knew we'd created the most successful bed-linen company in the world.

In 1962, President John Kennedy contacted us in the hope that we could manufacture some stain-resistant sheets for the White House. The Cuba Missile Crisis was in full swing, and I told him: "Jack, offer the Soviets a deal whereby you'll take your Jupiter missiles out of Turkey in exchange for them removing their SS-4 and SS-5s from Cuba." A few weeks later, I met him again at the second season première of 'Mr Ed', and he told me that our conversation had been the turning point of the whole incident.

Sadly, not everyone I met in my Hollywood days had the haute école of Kennedy. Gene Roddenberry had perhaps the least haute école of any person I've ever met. Poor sad little Gene -- in many ways he was the spitting image of Maurice Williamson. If I told him once, I must have lectured him a dozen times: "Gene, don't split your infinitives." He simply wouldn't listen, and his subsequent 'career' has confirmed my worst fears. You simply can't help some people.

Funnily enough, it was through Gene that I met Neil Armstrong. Neil had a surprising amount of haute école for such a tiny astronaut, and he asked me write him some lines for when he landed Apollo 11 on the moon. I wrote something suitable, and we rehearsed it for weeks. Neil was a bundle of nerves about the mission. "I'm simply terrified that I'll make a mistake and ruin your wonderful words," he confided to me.

I had to be honest with him: "I think you probably will, Neil, but just do the best you can." And, of course, on the day he did muff the lines that I'd so carefully composed. But it was impossible to stay angry at little Neil. Dear sweet dowdy Neil -- I wonder what became of him?"

It some ways -- perhaps in most ways -- parliament has been a disappointment after my days in the television industry. But I'm sure that we can improve the members' posture and deportment (not to mention their haute école!) with better timing and even more zazz. Let's get snappy with those scene changes, people! And ladies, need I say more than décolletage?

I have every hope that 2010 will be another fabulous year for parliament.

* * *

Unrelated postscript:

In response to customer feedback, Public Address Books now has an arrangement with leading independent bookshops in major cities. So now you can buy our books off-the-shelf without waiting for delivery. Click here for more information.

Even less related postscript:

In late-breaking news, a dramatization of the essay 'My First Stabbing' will play on the National Programme at 10.45 am on Friday 18th December. I'll also be interviewed by Kathryn Ryan at 9.30 am (check the Radio NZ podcasts).

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David Haywood
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 539
Moderator

Posted at 10:55PM on 17 Dec 09. Permalink.

I'm officially dedicating the 5th paragraph of this post (beginning "I don't even like the word 'Volvo'," Jimmy told me"...) to Emma Hart.

Grace Dalley
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2008
Posts: 40

Posted at 10:57PM on 17 Dec 09. Permalink.

Nice one, David ;-)

Thanks for all the great posts this year!

David Haywood
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 539
Moderator

Posted at 11:00PM on 17 Dec 09. Permalink.

A pleasure, Grace...

Isabel Hitchings
From: Christchurch
Since: Jul 2007
Posts: 334

Posted at 11:54PM on 17 Dec 09. Permalink.

Please tell me your radio thing will be available on the interwebs - 10.45 Friday is smack bang in the Playcentre end-of-year picnic.

Also:

And ladies, need I say more than décolletage?

made me not just LOL but also snort unbecomingly.

Ianmac
From: Bleneim
Since: Aug 2008
Posts: 3

Posted at 4:18AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Dr Lockwood's finest moment was as quizmaster on that TV quiz show. He got such a kick out of it, that his future as the master of Question time became his ultimate dream realised. All the other in-between stuff that you so loyally and truthfully relayed to us David, was nothing compared to his being in control of those rowdies in Parliament.
"Now to question number 6. For $10 the Right Honourable.......

Megan Wegan
From: Welly
Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 399

Posted at 6:43AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Isabel:

It will most definitely be on the interwebs here

To take over from Emma as David's secretary briefly, I am informed he will be being interviewed at around 9:30.

David Haywood
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 539
Moderator

Posted at 7:29AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Thanks, Megan. You're the first to break the news on a time for this. I guess I'd better go and have a shave. Wouldn't do to be on the radio all stubbly.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 827

Posted at 8:02AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Wouldn't do to be on the radio all stubbly.

Surprise us all and wear a tasteful tie.

Phil Lyth
From: Wellington
Since: Apr 2009
Posts: 171

Posted at 8:11AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

tasteful tie

One of those ones that Ministers passed on to their staffers perhaps? - the florid ones that were a gift from K Singh MP.

Oh, and David, I hear that next time you visit Parliament, Security will show you straight to your cell. The next-but-one to Emma's.

BenWilson
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2848

Posted at 8:18AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

The next-but-one to Emma's

What poor bastard gets stuck in between?

steven crawford
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1976

Posted at 8:51AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

In late-breaking news, a dramatization of the essay 'My First Stabbing' will play on the National Programme at 10.45 am on Friday 18th December.

Thats good news. After three years of reading and writing on public address system, I feel I'm now part of the literate class. Now I'd like to just listen, again.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 827

Posted at 9:49AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Oh,the wonderful symmetry of life--listening to David Haywood on NatRad, whilst posting to his blog!

Judi Lapsley Miller
From: Wellington
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 64

Posted at 9:55AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

At 9:26 I thought, oh I must start streaming NatRad, and at 9:41 I had to modify that thought to Bugger! How long does it take them to get the podcasts up??

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2620
Moderator

Posted at 10:02AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

To take over from Emma as David's secretary briefly, I am informed he will be being interviewed at around 9:30.

You put that pencil down, girl.

I'm officially dedicating the 5th paragraph of this post (beginning "I don't even like the word 'Volvo'," Jimmy told me"...) to Emma Hart.

Aheheheheh. And there I was thinking I could 'cut links' with Volvo, but that's obviously not going to happen.

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5290

Posted at 10:12AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

made me not just LOL but also snort unbecomingly

Qualifies as a rofflenui in my book (unpublished)

Jeremy Andrew
From: Hamiltron - City of the Future
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 659

Posted at 10:12AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

What poor bastard gets stuck in between?

Paul Holmes and a jar of olives.

Ray Gilbert
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 22

Posted at 10:25AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

I got to meet Lockwood Smith during his time as Quizmaster on Its Academic. He strolled into the contestant's waiting area, told us what a great rower he used to be and how he could have raced for New Zealand then left without waiting for a reply from us - whanker.

Kinda got my own back though - when the show was aired there was a shot of our team with me in the middle without sound. I got the previous question wrong and let out a silenced but very obvious "fuck". Profanities on children's time TV were not common in the early 80s

Megan Wegan
From: Welly
Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 399

Posted at 10:25AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

It's up now.

Nicely done Dr Haywood.

You put that pencil down, girl.

No pencil, but I am glaring at you over the rims of black framed glasses.

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5290

Posted at 10:43AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Less of a moving target:
streaming 17m22s,
MP3 6.1MB

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2620
Moderator

Posted at 10:52AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

No pencil, but I am glaring at you over the rims of black framed glasses.

Ooo, are you going to Shush me?

It's too early for this...

Megan Wegan
From: Welly
Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 399

Posted at 10:54AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Ooo, are you going to Shush me?

Oh, darling, I couldn't if I tried.

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2620
Moderator

Posted at 10:57AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Oh, darling, I couldn't if I tried.

How do you... oh crap. You've been talking to "someone I used to flat with", haven't you?

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5290

Posted at 10:57AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Never too early

Stephen Judd
From: Wellington
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2013

Posted at 10:59AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Is anyone's long hair pulled back in a severe bun? I ask purely for research purposes.

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5290

Posted at 11:00AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Applause for the reading (haven't heard the i/v yet)

Paul Litterick
From: Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 879

Posted at 11:00AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

It really is your day on NatRad. The interview and the reading were both delightful.

Megan Wegan
From: Welly
Since: Jul 2008
Posts: 399

Posted at 11:01AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Is anyone's long hair pulled back in a severe bun? I ask purely for research purposes.

Unfortunately, my hair is too short to accomplish that particular look.

It is however messily pinned back using a pen.

Stephen Judd
From: Wellington
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2013

Posted at 11:08AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Ah, the tousled look.

Incidentally, does anyone know how to actually pronounce "tousled?" It's one of those ones I only ever see written down but never hear.

On another note, I think describing David as a "satirist" is really missing the mark. Just because his loopy genius has fastened on people we recognise doesn't mean they are being satirised.

I think David's that rare thing, a humorist
who is actually funny.

Paul Litterick
From: Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 879

Posted at 11:14AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Incidentally, does anyone know how to actually pronounce "tousled?" It's one of those ones I only ever see written down but never hear.

It's sort of like "trouser."

I would tell the hilarious story about my mis-pronunciation of "Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite," but you would all think me a pretentious git, if you do not think so already.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 827

Posted at 11:17AM on 18 Dec 09. Permalink.

Well, I would love to hear it (or read it).

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Southerly: Dr Lockwood Smith: End of Session Speech 2009