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Up Front: Something for Your Hangover

Posted at 11:05AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Emma Hart was trying to work out what to call Up Front Awards - Uppies? Fronties? Then realised they should be Emmies, and is now off to die of shame.

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Emma Hart was trying to work out what to call Up Front Awards - Uppies? Fronties? Then realised they should be Emmies, and is now off to die of shame.

"Somebody" wanted to photograph me as an Emmy, holding up a beach ball, but I churlishly refused. That being completely out of the question, we’ll call these the Blue Moons, because that’s about how often I’ll get round to this. I also promise this will be the last List Post I do for a while, and normal service will be resumed once the Bitching and Moaning Season opens again.

These are the people who caught my eye over the course of the last year whose achievements were either so significant or so recent that I haven’t forgotten them yet.

The award for Best Perveying by Social Media goes to Filament Magazine’s Cock Drive. Filament used their Twitter account, among other online presences, to drive a fundraising effort and sold enough copies of issue one to allow them to move to a printer who was happy to print erections. You can now buy Filament off the shelf in Auckland, Wellington and New Plymouth.

Staying with the web, Thomas Beagle takes out the [Redacted] Award for Best Use of the Official Information Act. Someone at the Department of Internal Affairs is probably considering taking out a contract.

The Services to Tissue Sales Award goes to Russell T. Davies for Torchwood: Children of Earth. Or, depending on how you want to interpret that, to John Barrowman for his nude scene in Torchwood: Children of Earth.

The much-vaunted Starskey and Hutch Memorial Award for Services to Slash-Fic goes to J.J. Abrams for Star Trek. Oh, you knew, didn’t you, every time you made them stand just a little too close together, every time you framed the shot for easy caption-adding, every time they exchanged one of those long, lingering looks. And you certainly knew in that scene where Spock gives Kirk the face-groin-face eye flick. Like you didn’t know people were going to do this with it:

Still on the arts, I shouldn’t need to tell you twice that the Xerox Award for Literature goes to Witi Ihimaera. Everything about this has already been said, but it seems the explanation slipped through this column without proper attribution.

The Daniel Radcliffe Award for Growing Up goes to Daniel Vettori. Now that he’s the captain of the Black Caps, and a selector and the coach and gets to open the batting and the bowling and drive the bus, it’s time for me to admit that he’s probably no longer twelve. Still, even the beard makes him look like a twelve year old with a beard. I think we know what has to be done, don’t we, Daniel?

And the Bishop Brian Award for Sincerity in a Recantation of Homophobia goes to Beenie Man. First, he was sorry and we were mean and he deserved an apology, and then he was in Uganda singing those songs again. I’m sure it’s all just a big misunderstanding that will be totally cleared up the next time he’s talking to a non-homophobic audience. And possibly several more times after that.

The I Can’t Believe We’re Still Having This Fucking Argument Award for Services to Feminism was a tough call. It’s been a great year for feminist discussion. The Listener deserves commendation for prompting Tits Out for Ourselves Night. Without them we women would never have been able to feel a real sense of pride and freedom just by choosing our own clothes for a night out. Paul Henry did his bit to keep feminist issues in the media, and in a more personal way Clayton Weatherstone made us examine our own behaviour and how murderable it made us. But on consideration, the award has to go to ALAC for their Lisa ad, for teaching us that calculated rape is our own fault for getting so munted in the first place. Few things have managed to sustain so much rage for so long. Well done, ALAC.

Speaking of Clayton Weatherstone, he does take out a narrow victory in the Jeffery Archer Award for Sense of Self-Entitlement, narrowly pipping Roger Douglas. Sir Rog does, however, win the Nosferatu Award for Best Rising from the Grave to Suck the Blood Out of the Living. Don’t tell me I’m the only one who sometimes hears that laugh in the dead of night.

Before we get truly into the hate, let’s take a moment to spread the love. The Helen Clark Award for Best Combatting of Stereotypes is a joint award. Don Abel wins it for being a witty, approachable, charming Assistant Governor of the Reserve Bank with a great sense of humour, and Grant Robertson wins it for being a witty, approachable, charming politician with a great sense of humour and a deep love of cricket. Remember I did this when you’re Prime Minister, that’s all I’m saying.

The Best Reinterpretation of a Concept Award goes to Anne Tolley, for her performance art of the concept of ‘standards’. Next, I believe, she’s going to give a whole new meaning to the word ‘education’.

The Montgomery Burns Award for Responsible Use of Power goes to Paula Bennett, for releasing the income details of beneficiaries who criticized her. Paula solidified the award recently by announcing plans to “review” beneficiaries’ entitlements after a year, less than a week before Christmas. Anyone who’s been on a benefit knows how stressful any kind of “review” process from WINZ is – and that includes Paula Bennett.

And to end on a strong note, the First Against the Wall When the Big Gay Revolution Comes Award for Services to Bigotry goes to Simon Power, for appointing Brian Neeson to the Human Rights Review Tribunal. As Idiot/Savant points out, Neeson doesn’t even believe in human rights. In his time in Parliament, Neeson was completely unsuccessful in pushing an agenda so Old Testament it might have brought Saint Paul himself to think, “Steady on, that’s a bit much.” Now he has a whole new platform to push off from. His deep-seated opposition to the very purpose of the Human Rights Review Tribunal is a matter of public record, but it’s not him I’m awarding. That would be like giving rain a prize for being wet. No, responsibility for this belongs squarely with the people who thought it was a good idea and made sure it would happen – for reasons which are beyond me at the moment, but will no doubt make their Machievellian brilliance clear in the months to come. Simon, your name is on it, so you get the Blue Moon. Enjoy.

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Idiot Savant
From: Palmerston North
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1210

Posted at 11:05AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

the First Against the Wall When the Big Gay Revolution Comes Award for Services to Bigotry goes to Simon Power, for appointing Brian Neeson to the Human Rights Commission.

Human Rights Review Tribunal. The HRC promotes and mediates, the HRRT judges.

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2629
Moderator

Posted at 11:13AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Human Rights Review Tribunal.

Cheers. I had a funny feeling I was going to cock something up today.

Danielle
From: PAS Women's XV Strategic Headquarters
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2249

Posted at 11:37AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

I just read I/S's post about Brian Neeson and am sad and sort of flummoxed. Why go out of your way to appoint someone who will be a bigoted douche... unless you actually believe that bigoted douchery is The Way Forward? Which: ewww.

(I don't have a hangover, more's the pity.)

giovanni tiso
From: Wellington
Since: Jun 2007
Posts: 4360

Posted at 11:39AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Which: ewww.

Forget about coming up with new domain names, I think that should be the prefix of so much www content.

steven crawford
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1976

Posted at 11:53AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Giovanni Tiso; sharp as a tack that man...

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2629
Moderator

Posted at 11:57AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Why go out of your way to appoint someone who will be a bigoted douche... unless you actually believe that bigoted douchery is The Way Forward?

Yeah, I mean, okay, Jacquie Grant will be using him as a footstool inside of a week, but I can't see any scenario that justifies this appointment that isn't an attempt to nobble the Tribunal from the inside. Okay, so they kind of owe the guy for deselecting him in his own electorate in favour of John Key but that doesn't seen sufficient to me to put him there. Which just really leaves the question, can you complain to the HRRT about the make-up of the HRRT?

For about a week, this appointment simply reduced me to an unprecedented level of inarticulacy.

pollywog
From: somewhere else
Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 152

Posted at 11:58AM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

...my brain hurts:(

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2629
Moderator

Posted at 12:12PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

...my brain hurts:(

Still? Damn. Does this help?

pollywog
From: somewhere else
Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 152

Posted at 6:56PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

^^^hah yeah...cheers:)

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5310

Posted at 7:38PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Jacquie Grant will be using him as a footstool inside of a week

Praying for a documentary crew..

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 832

Posted at 9:06PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

A very funny Media 7 last evening, which I watched before I fetched my hat and coat and went out.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 832

Posted at 9:07PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

Yikes. I need to quickly move on from 666!

Sacha
From: Ak
Since: May 2008
Posts: 5310

Posted at 9:14PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

And mind that crack in the pavement

Emma Hart
From: Christchurch
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 2629
Moderator

Posted at 9:22PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

A very funny Media 7 last evening, which I watched before I fetched my hat and coat and went out.

My partner was briefly unable to understand why, when Russell said he was going to show us his favourite newsreader, I clapped and squeed. He gets it now.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 832

Posted at 9:35PM on 1 Jan 10. Permalink.

And mind that crack in the pavement

None of that around here, cobber. Waikato Draught is our drug of choice.

steven crawford
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1976

Posted at 8:35AM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Could we please have links to that latest Media 7. Preferably not too TVNZ, there on-demand is a complete shambles. You-tube would be much appreciated.

recordari
From: THIS IS ORCWOOD.
Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 591

Posted at 8:55AM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Media7 link.

Worked Ok for me. I was surprised by the quality actually. Funny show. My only comment would be; bring back Newsboy! Not quite enough sardonic, deadpan wit on the male side for my liking. And yes, there was plenty, but still not enough. ;-)

steven crawford
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1976

Posted at 9:23AM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Worked Ok for me.

I'm not wired directly into the fibers, and my graphics card is more than three years old. It doesn't work! Maybe its about time I start tinkering in my computer with a screwdriver.

recordari
From: THIS IS ORCWOOD.
Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 591

Posted at 9:42AM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Maybe its about time I start tinkering in my computer with a screwdriver.

I cannot condone reckless tinkering with a screwdriver. Just to absolve myself of responsibility when your motherboard gets fried.

Just trying to get a quick reply to you, and noticed the YouTube page is not yet updated. But it is the holidays, and while the team here seems pretty bloody committed, maybe they deserve a couple of days rest. Although I suspect it won't be long before it's sorted...

I'm actually still on Woosh, from 4 years ago. So the speed is not lightening quick, but after making a coffee, reading a couple of chapters of Steig Larsson, mowing the lawns, driving to Piha for a swim, painting the house, it works fine.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 832

Posted at 9:47AM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

but after making a coffee, reading a couple of chapters of Steig Larsson, mowing the lawns, driving to Piha for a swim, painting the house, it works fine.

Gee, I wish my computer could do all those things ;)

recordari
From: THIS IS ORCWOOD.
Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 591

Posted at 10:09AM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Gee, I wish my computer could do all those things ;)

Haven't you got an Apple? ;-)

steven crawford
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1976

Posted at 1:41PM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Just trying to get a quick reply to you, and noticed the YouTube page is not yet updated. But it is the holidays, and while the team here seems pretty bloody committed, maybe they deserve a couple of days rest. Although I suspect it won't be long before it's sorted...

Thanks for keeping me in the loop. I do have access to another computer (a liquid cooled Power PC) that is in-fact, wired directly into the Riddiford street exchange. So I will now abstain from frivolous consumer whining, and get on my bike.

Geoff Lealand
From: Univ of Waikato
Since: Oct 2007
Posts: 832

Posted at 1:45PM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Haven't you got an Apple? ;-)

One on the desk, one on my lap and a bunch ripening on the tree.

George Darroch
From: Te Ao Nui
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 1022

Posted at 10:55PM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

Yeah, I mean, okay, Jacquie Grant will be using him as a footstool inside of a week, but I can't see any scenario that justifies this appointment that isn't an attempt to nobble the Tribunal from the inside.

I honestly have to say that I know too little about the HRRT to comment on its workings. But I do know enough to state that this is designed to undermine it, and to undermine human rights.

Why? I'll speculate on a couple of motives. The first is plain stupidity, but I have been given no reason to believe this.

The second is that this is a chance to 'attack' the "PC brigade". There have been enough references, both quite open and clear and veiled and indecipherable, about shifting things back (presumably to some golden age in the past - 1972?). That makes more sense to me. Except that they're human rights. They can't just be waved away. To throw them away is to actively choose to violate the human rights of real New Zealanders. That obviously isn't a concern of the current Government.

There is another element, and that is that human rights impose restrictions on businesses and how they can be run.

National MPs I've had the experience of dealing with (mainly in select committees) seem to think that for the most part business in NZ is overregulated and that laws that protect workers and customers are an impediment. "Common sense" will rule the day, they tell me. Watering down the committee weakens its ability to impose on businesses.

A conspiracy theory? Craig will probably correct me. But unless someone else can offer me a coherent reason why National and ACT are foisting someone who hates human rights on the population, it's the one I'm going to go with.

Craig Ranapia
From: North Shore, Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 7160

Posted at 11:19PM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

A conspiracy theory? Craig will probably correct me. But unless someone else can offer me a coherent reason why National and ACT are foisting someone who hates human rights on the population, it's the one I'm going to go with.

I've got something for you, and it's not exactly new: You've got debts to pay, and there's so many vacancies to fill... and some proportion of them are always going to be serious WTF? moments.

Honestly, I wouldn't let Brian Neeson feed my cat while on vacation, but I can't see his appointment as some kind of massive assault on human rights either. Now, if Power puts him name on the Human Right Act Repeal Bill, then I start sharpening the pitchfork and dipping the burning brands in fresh pitch.

Craig Ranapia
From: North Shore, Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 7160

Posted at 11:28PM on 2 Jan 10. Permalink.

And just to be a little good-natured, I'd like to nominate Simon Power (and every other MP who voted to consign the 'provocation' defence to the toxic waste dump of history) for a seriously fabulous gold tinsel star.

Should have happened a long time ago, and part of me wishes that it hadn't taken the savage murder and posthumous character assassination of a pretty white middle-class straight woman to put a light under their arses. But what the fuck, it's gone -- and I'm willing to give all credit where credit is due. Call me naive, but I think the rights and dignity of everyone are enhanced when you can no longer say GLBT people and abused women somehow "provoked" their own murder.

pollywog
From: somewhere else
Since: Dec 2009
Posts: 152

Posted at 10:44AM on 3 Jan 10. Permalink.

National MPs I've had the experience of dealing with (mainly in select committees) seem to think that for the most part business in NZ is overregulated and that laws that protect workers and customers are an impediment. "Common sense" will rule the day, they tell me. Watering down the committee weakens its ability to impose on businesses.

the reality is...

We all know very well that many organisations could strip out layers of overpaid managers with no effect on the delivery of services at all. The ruling wisdom has it that to increase 'efficiency' you cut the number of workers; in fact, most organisations would be far more efficient if you cut the number of managers. The populist furore about bankers and MPs' expenses suggests a change in mood, even in the mass media, which could be harnessed. A propaganda battle has to be aggressively fought. The party ought to be over for the managerialist parasites, but no-one gives up wealth and power voluntarily, they will have to be forced to relinquish it. At one level, it's a simple matter of behaviourial psychology: middle managers and politicans impose the restoration agenda because they only have one lobby (the organised super-rich) leaning on them. It's the path of least resistance. But if there is upward pressure from the bottom that will change the political 'reality'.

http://www.metamute.org/en/questioning_capitalist_realism

maybe tie all the parasitic select commitee members to the stake and give em a good dousing as well...

dc_red
From: City of Champions, Canada
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 599

Posted at 3:54PM on 5 Jan 10. Permalink.

@Craig

Honestly, I wouldn't let Brian Neeson feed my cat while on vacation

Brian Connell is another former National MP you should probably excuse from that duty.

Lara
From: in the sun
Since: Jul 2009
Posts: 15

Posted at 11:32PM on 5 Jan 10. Permalink.

Cheers Emma.

Craig Ranapia
From: North Shore, Auckland
Since: Nov 2006
Posts: 7160

Posted at 9:12AM on 6 Jan 10. Permalink.

Brian Connell is another former National MP you should probably excuse from that duty.

Oh, thanks... another unrepressed memory. Next Christmas, can't you give me the traditional arse-ugly matching sock and tie set instead? :)

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