Public Address | System (Home)

Posted at 9:18AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Ah, just wait until Wee Rodders is a petulant, dirty teenager then threaten to e-mail this post to all his friends. Make teh interwebs work for you, and remember you have the rest of his life and yours to even up the karmic scorecard. :)

Or you can go the Loudon Wainwright route, and write a charming wee ditty lyrics like this:

Rufus is a tit man
Suckin' on his mamma's gland
Suckin' on the nipple
It's a sweeter than the ripple wine.
Yes its sweeter than the wine.
You can tell by the way the boy burps
that it's gotta taste fine.

Rufus turned out not to be much of a tit-man after all, but that's a whole other story...

Posted at 9:32AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

But seriously, I'm very glad to hear that things are looking up. I feel like I've helpfully intoned "ah, but you'll forget the hard times" so often that it even sounds trite and hollow to me.

Posted at 9:35AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Wow. What an incredible piece of prose. It almost makes me want to get up from my desk and go make a baby. Except for the pooing. And vomitting. And doing wees everywhere. And the not sleeping. And the right-wing tendencies.

Other than that.....choice.

Posted at 9:39AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

The trick, as I remember it, is The Two Week Rule... that is anything any child does good or bad will only last two weeks before they're on to the next trick in the book.

If you can string sentences together like that I'm afraid you're still getting enough sleep and that can't be tolerated.

Also, the main role of the midwife seems to me to be to reassure parents that the child will grow up despite them, not because of them. In that, you've got yourself a winner on the day.

Have you had the cloth nappy/disposable nappy diatribe yet? We were hell bent on using cloth until I discovered number one child was bright red (baboon red) from knees to navel... simple answer, switch to disposables with their magic urine-retaining power and to hell with the environment.

Cheers

Paul

Posted at 9:42AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Ahhh, memories...

In case any of you non-parents out there are entertaining the notion that there might be a tiny bit of hyperbole involved... there's not, that's pretty much an impartial, documentary-style, cinema verite of a blog post. That's exactly what parenthood is like

(for the first child, some conditions apply, your mileage may vary, results not typical, seek medical advice before embarking on any similar programme, plus $98 postage and handling, if you have received this in error do not read)

Posted at 9:48AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

I think Little Rodney would feel right at home at the Ayn Rand School for Tots.

Anyway, thank you for a post that was both hilarious and life-affirming: by which I mean that it has thoroughly affirmed my life choice to be a childless bachelor.

Posted at 10:02AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Ah... the breast police. I remember them well.

I know I shouldn't laugh about other people's woes. but I did. In sympathy with you, of course.

Posted at 10:15AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

I feel like I've helpfully intoned "ah, but you'll forget the hard times" so often that it even sounds trite and hollow to me.

And you do, until someone writes a piece like that, and it all comes flooding back as you whimper 'yes' and pound on your wrist-rest while crying tears of ironic laughter.

Never mind. In years to come, someone will email you and tell you they're having a baby. You'll attempt to give them some kind of warning, and they'll reply

Jesus wept: your child advice is a little frightening -- but I guess
it's best to expect the worst and then be pleasantly surprised.

And you'll laugh...

Posted at 10:36AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Aha! I was about to suggest "Try goat's milk" when your last para solved the mystery and confirmed the diagnosis. Sack your midwife.

Posted at 10:50AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

You might not be so tired if you let your wife carry a bit more of the load. It sounds like all she does is lie around the house on plumped up pillows, do the odd bit of breast feeding if she feels like it (and formula if she doesn't, the lazy sow), and watch you run round like a headless chook.

But seriously (yer knew I wuz joking right?!) you missed out on some real fun: telling the ante natal class (where the debate is usually over hospital birth vs home birth vs water birth) that you were planning on having yours by CAESAREAN!!

Posted at 10:58AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

We had the same issue with Midwife, "she's just hungry, keep feeding her"

But when we finally got diagnosed with Reflux by Paed he said overfeeding a reflux baby is the worst thing you can do because feeding stimulates the stomach acid in anticipation of digestion which in turn makes the reflux worse. doh ! Starve him, that's the answer.

Some midwives seem very aware of Reflux issues and some are ignorant or non-believers.....

Glad to here things have settled somewhat.

Posted at 10:58AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Gosh terribly sorry David. Did I forget to mention the fountainous arcs of poo? Can't think how that slipped my mind. It was utterly indelible at the time. (And for all I know, the current inhabitants of our first New York apartment are still working on it).

Pat yourself on the back though, and Jen, very cautiously, on the hard-working boobs. Barring his unfortunate digestive issues, Bob-Rodney is clearly some sort of genius baby. Neither of my boys ever managed to wee on their own heads.

PS By the way that's Doctor F*cking Lying Beyotch to you. You wanna Public Address Gangsta Parenting Rumble, bring it on! Playground, three o'clock, bring your blankie. Yo Mama'll bust you up, just as soon as I ... oh crap, gotta change a nappy. Can you pass the wipes?

Posted at 11:01AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Oh .. on the breast police issue, at Birthcare we had to sign an "offical" waiver form acknolwedging the "dangers" of formula feeding when we had to give topups as well !

They also refuse to tell you what brand of formula they use so as not to be seen promoting one over the other.

Posted at 11:33AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Its an unappreciated fact of nature that traumatic amnesia is almost solely responsible for the ability of the human race to keep the birth rate above the death rate...

Posted at 11:41AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

I'm expecting twin boys in February. I really hope that I don't wind up with a Little Rodney Hide and a Little Richard Prebble! Still, it could be worse for everyone and you could have a Little David Benson-Pope!

Posted at 11:49AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Mother Nature, the ruthless wench that she is, provides some balance in all this. Not only does she make parents forget the bad times, she also makes sure none of us remember the first two or three years' of our lives.

This is because all new parents make screw ups, out of inexperence or exhaustion, and is so their kids don't hold it against them.

However, blogging posts like this one may rather counter that effect....

And don't talk to me about the F******g Breast Police. Bloody Terrorists. My other half has ME (we went ahead and had a kid anyway because about 40% of women with ME get better if they get preggers and we thought, its worth a go and we want kids).

Now, she was just too bloody exhausted to breast feed, and our daughter turned out to have other health issues which made this difficult.

This did not deter the Breast Police. Insensitive boors. Had a huge row with one nurse over the issue, one very fraught 2am in the hospital.

Self righteous bigotry takes many forms.

Posted at 11:57AM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

And you should be due for a run-in with the organic anti-vaccination police any day now, too. Whooooooo-eee!

Posted at 12:01PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Its an unappreciated fact of nature that traumatic amnesia is almost solely responsible for the ability of the human race to keep the birth rate above the death rate...

Though with the internet breaking it down, allowing information to percolate and last forever, that won't last forever.

I think those Waikato demographers are going to be facing a few more problems now...

Posted at 12:02PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Sympathies. As one who has a not quite 3 year old who was generally bliss, and a 9 month old who is more reminiscent of the little girl with the "...curl in the middle of her forehead...", may I offer some advice (a not necessarily wise thing to do as I notice no other parent has braved the attempt - remember, never tell other parents what to do with their kids - but then I'm hopeless at taking my own advice).

1. Six weeks - the first is hideous. Then it should get better. The goos start, they focus and smile and everything changes.

2. Bypanthan and Daktozin. The first whenever bum crack rash appears and the second when it gets really bad. Do not use sparingly. Forget all the mung bean papaya cream cures. Use modern medicine. It works.

3. Put the baby in the baby's room (I know some will shudder at this). They snort, fart, stop breathing, wake up whenever you wake up and generally make sleeping impossible. Put them in their own room and you'll both sleep better.

4. Ear plugs. There ain't much you can do and unfortunately, short of rubbing Jennifer's feet and making her a cup of tea, you're surplus to requirements. For a first time mum, this requires a level of maturity approaching sainthood, but it's worth a try. Offer to do more washing and cook every meal and clean the toilet. Demand Jennifer has a snooze in the afternoon while LR sleeps - even if she doesn't you win brownie points for being a caring kind of guy.

5. What's your antenatal class members up to. Commiserate and seek support.

Good luck, it does get better.

Posted at 12:09PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

My other half has ME

...

I developed CFS as a result of a post-natal infection after the birth of my daughter. Cutting through all the bullshit incorrect diagnoses, when we finally got on the right track, I was told by every health professional I met to stop breast-feeding. Something about the way you could put your fingers all the way around my collar bone. I wouldn't do it, I took her to a year. AND I fed my babies in the food court, not behind the curtain on the armless plastic chair in the 'easy hose down' decor of the parents' room.

And when my son wouldn't stop feeding while I was still in the hospital, and my milk hadn't come in yet so I had nothing to give him, the very nice night nurse took him away to the nursery, did something to him, and I didn't see him again for seven hours.

Self righteous bigotry takes many forms.

I think there are a lot of people shopping a 'one solution for all' thing, and forgetting that every baby and every parent is different. I tend to perk my ears up whenever someone uses the phrase 'well, in THIS case...'

Posted at 12:16PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

I was all with the humour in your post, until about two thirds of the way along, and then you wrote about doing what I, until I was a young teenager, thought was a... hmm. No, I can't do it, not in a blog about babies. Restraint.

You know your baby has really achieved true nappy power when the poo comes out, changes direction mid-flight, and goes back up the rear of the nappy, escapes the tightly constrained nappy, either pinned or artificial, heads up the back of their singlet and t-shirt, and attains hair. Twice. In one day.

Posted at 12:50PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Emma..

Bullshit diagnosis is kind of unavoidable with CFS/ME, isn't it? I had it myself for four years - a relativley mild dose, but it put an end to my Law School studies - and the nature of the beast seems to be it isn't clear what it is for some time. I know this doesn't make it any easier.

Greatly admire you for sticking to the breast feeding thing though.

And Lyle....I'll see your Super Poo story and raise you....our wee one got constipated for 10 days when she was in a cast from chest to toe (clicky hip syndrome).

One evil night - Good Friday 2004 - the constipation ended. Gallons of it. It went up the back of the cast, and down the legs. Unbeknown to us, a couple of sores had developed under the cast. When the poo got into them, it stung and the poor wee soul shrieked for hours.

We had to take her down to the hospital. What I'll always remember - apart from walking up and down in pediatrics, singing her favourite soothing song until I lost my voice - was these two wise old nurses, who sussed out what had to be done straight away, and went to work on this young registrar, encouraging him to reach the same decision as they had while making him think it was all his idea.

Master diplomats in action.

Posted at 12:52PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

hahaha i laughed and laughed (with glee of been there done that and thank god i'm out on the other side). sack the ped though. tsssk cows milk formula what was (s)he thinking.

welcome to The Parenting Wars..

Posted at 2:01PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

ZOMG

I'm not a parent and have no plans to become one. But you have my sympathy and gratitude that you and your partner are passing your genes on.

I have no experience from which to give advice. But remember biology isn't that much different from engineering - more than one solution to any problem and don't forget your stats - yes your baby can indeed be the outlier.

Oh and just a point about milk allergies, the enzymes the body uses to degrade milk change through development. There is every chance that Bob will grow up with no milk allergy in later in life.

Good luck

Bart

Posted at 2:27PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Oh my goodness me that was funny.

Posted at 3:24PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Craig Ranapia wrote:

Ah, just wait until Wee Rodders is a petulant, dirty teenager then threaten to e-mail this post to all his friends.

That suggestion is 100 per cent pure genius, Craig. In fact, I'm printing out a hard copy for my future blackmailing needs as I type these words...

Russell Brown wrote:

I feel like I've helpfully intoned "ah, but you'll forget the hard times" so often that it even sounds trite and hollow to me.

Actually, I have to admit that you were dead right in your worldly wisdom. I scribbled this blog on random pieces of paper (and even a box of tissues) as events unfolded. And then, when I finally found a chance to type it up, there were so many things that I'd forgotten: the incident at the supermarket; the mysterious dream about David Slack's beard; the doctor's assertion that water was "far too wet" to use on a baby; Jennifer's baby-silencing bunker...

As Mr Slack himself observed: "The days are long, but the months are short". In fact, I think it's because the days are so long that the beginning of the month vanishes into the misty reaches of memory. I feel like I've lived half my life since Bob-the-baby was born, but at the same time I can hardly remember any of the details.

Paul Brislen wrote:

Have you had the cloth nappy/disposable nappy diatribe yet?

Oh, yes. We're experimenting with cloth nappies at the moment because they're cheaper (so far, so good). But we're certainly not philosophically wedded to them at the expense of turning Bob-the-baby the colour of a baboon. How alarming that must have been!

Emma Hart wrote:

In years to come, someone will email you and tell you they're having a baby. You'll attempt to give them some kind of warning, and they'll reply:

"Jesus wept: your child advice is a little frightening -- but I guess it's best to expect the worst and then be pleasantly surprised."

Oh, Emma, I was so wrong, and you were so right. However, as Jeremy Andrew has kindly noted, I have now mended my ways, and -- as a warning to others -- have attempted to portray the unvarnished truth about babies in this post (perhaps I've toned down reality just a little).

In my defence, Dr Gracewood gives the appearance of being innocent, young (she was in 6th form as recently as 1999, you know), and trustworthy. Who'd have thought she'd turn out to be such a barefaced liar?

InternationalObserver wrote:

You might not be so tired if you let your wife carry a bit more of the load.

Jennifer emailed me to point out your message, InternationalObserver. I think she now sees the error of her ways, and will pull her weight in future.

daleaway wrote:

And you should be due for a run-in with the organic anti-vaccination police any day now, too. Whooooooo-eee!

Actually, I've just recently had that particular encounter...

Anti-vaccination police: I don't know if you've heard about the very real dangers of vaccination...

Me: Actually, I think it's one of the greatest achievements of human civilization...

Anti-vaccination police: Ah... [conversation trails off]...

Glenn Pearce wrote:

We had the same issue with Midwife, "she's just hungry, keep feeding her"... at Birthcare we had to sign an "offical" waiver form acknolwedging the "dangers" of formula feeding when we had to give topups as well!

Our experiences seem to be strangely parallel, Glenn. I put this down to too much Latin. (By the way, have you ever found a practical use for anything from all those years of learning Latin -- I know I haven't.)

Doctor F*cking Lying Beyotch wrote:

You wanna Public Address Gangsta Parenting Rumble, bring it on!

As it happens, I'm already fighting a duel to the death with Bart Janssen in the near future (about the pre-eminence, or otherwise, of the Royal Navy in the late 1600s -- it's a question of honour). But, should I survive, I would be more than happy to bring my posse to any playground you care to nominate. However, I warn you that my posse don’t like to be disrespected any more than I do -- so we will all be hopping mad, and extremely ready to rumble!

James Harton wrote:

I'm expecting twin boys in February. I really hope that I don't wind up with a Little Rodney Hide and a Little Richard Prebble!

Hey congratulations, James! Well, according to our Plunket nurse, Bob is practically the worst baby in Christchurch, so I should think your chances are pretty good of having a less nightmarish experience (although, of course, you will have two of them). But best of luck, mate.

Rob Hosking wrote:

... don't talk to me about the F**g Breast Police.

Sound like you had a very tough time, Rob.

I guess it's not that I necessarily disagree with everything the Breastapo says -- but I was alarmed by their one-size-fits-all attitude (as Emma points out). The lactation consultant at the presentation that I went to basically had no time for any mother who didn't want to give up her career -- and spend the rest of her life chained to her baby. I thought that was a little unrealistic, myself.

Mark Graham wrote:

Use modern medicine. It works... Put the baby in the baby's room...

If I wasn't a believer in modern medicine before the baby came along -- I sure as hell am now.

Putting the baby in another room doesn't seem to be an option for us. If he doesn't get picked up within about five milliseconds, he screams himself to the point of hysteria -- and then it takes ages to calm him down enough to feed. Jennifer suspects that he lives in fear of us abandoning him (with good reason probably, given his behaviour -- the poor chap).

Kyle Matthews wrote:

You know your baby has really achieved true nappy power when the poo comes out, changes direction mid-flight, and goes back up the rear of the nappy, escapes the tightly constrained nappy, either pinned or artificial, heads up the back of their singlet and t-shirt, and attains hair. Twice. In one day.

Yay, something to look forward to...

Bart Janssen wrote:

Oh and just a point about milk allergies, the enzymes the body uses to degrade milk change through development. There is every chance that Bob will grow up with no milk allergy in later in life.

Thanks for pointing that out, Bart. Reassuring to know. Almost a shame that one of us will have to die in our upcoming duel to the death...

Posted at 3:38PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Oh, Emma, I was so wrong, and you were so right.

Your sarcasm will get you nowhere, Haywood.

Seriously, I do feel a wee tad guilty, it's like I cursed you or something. And in the midst of having two grumpy hormonal pre-adolescents, it's good to be reminded how much better things have got.

Bullshit diagnosis is kind of unavoidable with CFS/ME, isn't it?

Man, don't get me started, Rob. There's an immunologist out there that... well, if he were to walk out in front of our car I'd have trouble finding the brake pedal. Your partner has my deepest sympathies. Also, we had problems with the child I was trying to raise. My partner had to stop working for four years while I slept for sixteen hours a day and got called a lazy selfish hypochondriac bitch.

Posted at 3:43PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Emma Hart wrote:

Your sarcasm will get you nowhere, Haywood.

Dude, that wasn't sarcasm -- that was abject humbleness.

But glad that I can be an example of how much worse things can get...

Posted at 4:07PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Ah, just wait until Wee Rodders is a petulant, dirty teenager then threaten to e-mail this post to all his friends.

That suggestion is 100 per cent pure genius, Craig. In fact, I'm printing out a hard copy for my future blackmailing needs as I type these words...

Neither of those will work. They'll just look at you and go "Email!? Man, that's so 2007. None of my friends will look at anything unless it's hologram/ingested 3d viewer/data projected onto the surface of Mars."

Oh, yes. We're experimenting with cloth nappies at the moment because they're cheaper (so far, so good). But we're certainly not philosophically wedded to them at the expense of turning Bob-the-baby the colour of a baboon. How alarming that must have been!

Can I take the time to heartily recommend 'pea pods'. My first child, we did cloth nappies for a couple of years. 2nd child is now 1, and we're just close to growing out of her second set of pea pods. Her next set, the large ones, will see her through toilet training.

Pea pods are shaped outers into which you insert the absorbent inner. The outers have a bunch of domes across, so they cover a fair range of sizes.

Once they're used, you throw them straight into the washing machine (no soaking, bleach) with all your other clothes, you just need to use one of those blue things to catch the brown stuff. They're a reasonable investment ($20 each, so $200 for a set of 10, and then same again for medium and large) but no folding, scraping, bleaching, and they can be reused by another baby, no part of them is disposable. As well as very easy, they're the best environmental solution I've found, as most bleaches aren't exactly 'green'.

They're very absorbent, but you can add more of the middle stuff for a night nappy etc.

You can pick them up on trademe second hand for about $8-$10. They're truly wonderful and I wouldn't go any other way now.

Posted at 4:09PM on 7 Nov 07. Permalink.

Umm, if that made no sense, pea pods here