Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Dear Dr Bollard

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  • Leigh Kennaway,

    Dear Dr David
    Do you also practise midwifery? The photo of your darling child at the bottom of your post leads me to suspect that you do, which adds to your credibility as a medical genius, and a man of science.

    Western Bays • Since Feb 2007 • 79 posts Report Reply

  • Tim Michie,

    So the southerly cold snap numbs so well no anasthetic required..?

    Auckward • Since Nov 2006 • 564 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    Dear Dr David

    As a child I was offered a shandy while visiting relatives on the West Coast. I was looking forward to this exotic concoction of, I assumed, Sherry and Brandy and was dismayed, desolate and dispirited to be given a sickly sweet diluted malt based hop flavoured brew, which I sipped and set aside. I became withdrawn, sullen and resentful for many years afterwards but now realise I got off lightly, a weight has been lifted from my bitter soul and the light of a life renewed is flooding in.
    Thank you. Thank you.

    yrs sinecurely
    Gas C. Rankin Station

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 5046 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    Tim: yes - in fact with a good southerly liquid nitrogen is unnecessary and a simple trepanation will suffice

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2171 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    What sort of bicycle pump sucks up liquid? Is it broken?

    Since Nov 2006 • 6201 posts Report Reply

  • Ian MacKay,

    Dear Dr David,
    I have recently been recognised for my immense intellect and ability to speak openly, frankly and with great humanity. I have been called to take up an important role to shape the destiny and welfare of all the children in NZ. Something seems to be very wrong with a "gruntled" section of weirdos who do not seem able to grasp my value. They are being very mean to me. What should I do about it.
    Yours in humility,
    C Rankin

    Bleheim • Since Nov 2006 • 498 posts Report Reply

  • Stewart,

    Afraid the "humility" rather exposes your forgery, Ian.

    Te Ika A Maui - Waitakere… • Since Oct 2008 • 572 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Leigh Kennaway wrote:

    Do you also practise midwifery?

    Midwifery and obstetrics are hoaxes, Leigh -- plain and simple. In China, almost all women give birth in the rice paddies and go straight back to work afterwards. And there's no reason that women from other countries can't do the same. Mind you, my Chinese friends deny that any such thing occurs in China. In this they are mistaken -- it's a well-known medical fact.

    Tim Michie wrote

    So the southerly cold snap numbs so well no anasthetic required..?

    All the procedures described here are trivial from a medical perspective, and will produce nothing worse than a slight 'stinging' sensation.

    Please remember that you are a New Zealander, Tim. Did Colin Meads ask for anaesthetic when he broke his spine during the famous match against Eastern Transvaal? No, he did not -- he played on!

    Ian Dalziel wrote:

    As a child I was offered a shandy... [I] now realise I got off lightly...

    There are many medical practitioners who would advocate for drilling a few holes in your skull anyway, Ian -- just as a precaution. Let me know if you want my advice on this. (Hint: my answer will be 'yes').

    Kyle Matthews wrote

    What sort of bicycle pump sucks up liquid? Is it broken?

    Think you're smart, don't you, Matthews? For your information, the liquid nitrogen will freeze the elastomeric valve, allowing it to both suck and blow (kind of like the ACT party). You clearly weren't paying attention when your physics lecturer was squirting liquid nitrogen over his students during the cryogenic lectures -- were you, Matthews?

    Ian MacKay wrote:

    I have recently been recognised for my immense intellect and ability to speak openly, frankly and with great humanity. I have been called to take up an important role to shape the destiny and welfare of all the children in NZ...

    See my reply to Ian Dalziel above.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 988 posts Report Reply

  • John,

    Dear David,
    I think your suggestion to use an angle grinder to get into the petrol tank is quite irresponsible and I may need to dob you in to OSH on the other hand why don't try it and let me know how you got on ( should that be went)

    Auckland • Since Dec 2007 • 21 posts Report Reply

  • John,

    Woops!! why don't YOU try it....

    Auckland • Since Dec 2007 • 21 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    There are many medical practitioners who would advocate for drilling a few holes in your skull anyway, Ian

    Oh you're just venting!
    But it doesn't auger well,
    I'll give it a go myself,
    with some trepanation
    small bore that I am...

    yrs Cyril B. Cortex

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 5046 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I think your suggestion to use an angle grinder to get into the petrol tank is quite irresponsible

    That's the sort of PC nonsense that's ruining this country of ours. I bet you're the sort of mollycoddling fool who doesn't let his kids play with corrosive liquids. Pah.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 18957 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Dear Dr David,

    I recently removed a friend's finger with a large axe, requiring taking him to hospital for treatment for the extensive and unexpected haemorrhaging.

    What's the best solvent for getting the blood off the tray of my ute?

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4369 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    That's the spirit, Dalziel! You know the drill; take the bit between your teeth.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2968 posts Report Reply

  • DeepRed,

    That's the sort of PC nonsense that's ruining this country of ours. I bet you're the sort of mollycoddling fool who doesn't let his kids play with corrosive liquids. Pah.

    Yeah, why can't kids these days play HE grenade hackysack? Or cowboys and indians with live ammo?

    The southernmost capital … • Since Nov 2006 • 4351 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Stowell,

    Dear Dr David: there is a buzzing noise between my ears. It can't be my boss, because I cut his [redacted] and buried him in the [redacted] last week.
    So I need to know if it's true that earwigs can tunnel into one's skull and lay eggs, which hatch into large blow-fly sounding things and fly around noisily at night.
    I have tried fly-spray, but it tickled, and the cat threw up.
    PS: Emma- much the best solvent is more of the same blood. It has to be fresh, and the same type. If this individual is unavailable (or unwilling) to clean up their mess, a near relative is your best bet.

    Whakaraupo • Since Nov 2006 • 1574 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    You know the drill; take the bit between your teeth.

    Is that close to sit on it and rotate?

    "Someday son, this awl will be yours!"

    oh alright I'll kiss the drill

    yrs
    Wal O'Sound

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 5046 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    What's the best solvent for getting the blood off the tray of my ute?

    Ooh, ooh, I know this one:
    Jim Beam.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16739 posts Report Reply

  • Leigh Kennaway,

    What's the best solvent for getting the blood off the tray of my ute?

    Ooh, ooh, I know this one:
    Jim Beam.

    Should you be in a financial position where a bottle of bourbon is out of your reach, a six-pack of Woodstock (or most other RTDs) will do a passable job until you can afford the better cleanser.

    Western Bays • Since Feb 2007 • 79 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    Dr Dave (If I may presmue): I guess you have a good remedy for persistent gout? Involves hanging around railway tracks?

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2316 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Rowe,

    Dear Dr David

    Do you have a cure for a broken heart?

    (please do not publish my name as this is a sensitive subject)

    Lake Roxburgh, Central Ot… • Since Nov 2006 • 563 posts Report Reply

  • Leigh Kennaway,

    Dear Dr David

    Do you have a cure for a broken heart?

    (please do not publish my name as this is a sensitive subject)

    See earlier comment re bourbon/RTDs.

    Regards

    Dr Leigh
    Locum for Dr David

    sunny Pt Chevalier • Since Mar 2008 • 40 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Sensing the impending demise of his main seat of power, Kennaway tries out other options, discovers looks good in white coat, still no idea how to use stethoscope. Wonders about how well his knowledge of arcane protocol will carry over..

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16739 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    If it's one of those posh new HSV utes, I'd even consider using Woodford Reserve.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16739 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    As a woman, I feel alienated by this thread.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1861 posts Report Reply

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