Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Dear Dr Bollard

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  • Stewart,

    As a man I might be tempted to say don't worry your pretty head about it but as a doctor I would say 'take 2 of these and call me in the morning'.

    Te Ika A Maui - Waitakere… • Since Oct 2008 • 563 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    If it's one of those posh new HSV utes, I'd even consider using Woodford Reserve.

    The weird thing is, the one time I did get blood all over the flat-deck of a ute, the one thing I had on hand to clean it up WAS Jim Beam.

    Eerie.

    But also, I am from Timaru, so I guess it wasn't that much of a leap.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4340 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    John wrote:

    I think your suggestion to use an angle grinder to get into the petrol tank is quite irresponsible and I may need to dob you in to OSH

    Please note that, for nervous patients, I also included the safer option of using an oxy-acetylene torch*.

    Rob Stowell wrote:

    PS: Emma- much the best solvent is more of the same blood. It has to be fresh, and the same type. If this individual is unavailable (or unwilling) to clean up their mess, a near relative is your best bet.

    Or you could drain off some of your own blood, and when the ambulance takes you to hospital, demand a transfusion of blood only from the person who messed up your ute. Then you 'palm' the packages of blood, break out of the hospital, and -- hey presto -- you now have everything you need to clean up the spill.

    Geoff Lealand wrote:

    I guess you have a good remedy for persistent gout? Involves hanging around railway tracks?

    I suspect that you must already be a doctor, Geoff.

    Paul Rowe wrote:

    Do you have a cure for a broken heart?

    My normal recommendation is a holiday on Waiheke Island.

    Failing that, why not take up a hobby? Many people find that gun-collecting is a good way to dispel those recurring mental images of your former partner and their new lover in the throes of sexual ecstasy.

    Imagine the loneliness of a loveless Friday night (you probably don't have to imagine this anymore, I guess) -- what better way to while away those long hours than by counting your ammo, setting up your telescopic sights, converting your weapons from semi to fully-automatic, and rehearsing your alibi?

    ---
    *[An aside: as a student engineer fulfilling my 'trade' labour quotient, I once had to repair a petrol tank on a vintage car. Very stressful as they are known for blowing up and killing people even when empty (the petrol can leave a residue that vaporizes into a flammable gas when heated). You're supposed to soak the petrol tank in soapy water for three days, which I did -- but, even so, I felt exceedingly nervous as I started brazing...]

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 961 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Rowe,

    to dispel those recurring mental images of your former partner and their new lover in the throes of sexual ecstasy.

    Stop it, I just can't think of Alan Bollard in that way.

    Lake Roxburgh, Central Ot… • Since Nov 2006 • 558 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Eerie.

    Unbloodycanny.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16478 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    As a woman, I feel alienated by this thread.

    Because we're talking about cleaning?

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16478 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    nervous as I started brazing...

    Brazen.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16478 posts Report Reply

  • Rich of Observationz,

    I thought the trick for tank welding involved filling the tank with water?
    http://yarchive.net/metal/gastank_welding.html has a few other ways.

    Not trying this at home would be a good move.

    Back in Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 4419 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Rich of Observationz wrote:

    I thought the trick for tank welding involved filling the tank with water?

    At the risk of going way off topic: I haven't heard of filling petrol tanks with water for welding/brazing -- but then that's the only petrol tank I've ever worked on, and I was just following orders. Actually, it's hard to imagine how you could weld/braze a tank full of water, but then (despite several years where I seemed to do nothing but weld) I've never tried it in, on, or near water, so maybe it's possible. It would be very cool to do arc-welding in water, I should think...

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 961 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Robyn Gallagher wrote:

    As a woman, I feel alienated by this thread.

    I'm not entirely sure whether this is a sophisticated post-modern joke, or not. If not, then apologies if I've inadvertently caused any offence to womankind -- none intended, I assure you!

    Er... could you possible expand upon the reasons for your womanly alienation? This is a serious question: I'm a little perplexed (I'm not taking the piss or anything here -- I'm really very mystified).

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 961 posts Report Reply

  • Rich of Observationz,

    Stranger than truth department:
    http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/australia/2427148/Doctor-uses-home-drill-to-save-boys-life

    Also, on the drill front: I, like most people, have a 10mm chuck on my Ryobi. If I can't find a 13mm reduced shank, is a spade bit acceptable for treppanning, or would I be better with a hole cutter?

    Back in Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 4419 posts Report Reply

  • Robyn Gallagher,

    Er... could you possible expand upon the reasons for your womanly alienation?

    It was kind of a joke, but kind of not.

    Basically, I read the post, then read the comments and realised that I didn't really get it, but that (at that point) the all-male commenters did get it. So I lept to a conclusion.

    Raglan • Since Nov 2006 • 1851 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    expand upon the reasons for your womanly alienation?

    Are you suggesting women are not alien?

    but that (at that point) the all-male commenters did get it

    I find relaxing (disconnecting) the cortex helps when reading Dr David. There is a kind of state you enter where it all seems so real and it all makes sense.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3261 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    but that (at that point) the all-male commenters did get it

    I'm going to 'little fake offence whimper' now, because my comment is about half a page earlier than yours.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4340 posts Report Reply

  • Sam F,

    Part of the reason this thread doesn't seem alien to me is the number of stories I've heard from Dad (former ED radiologist, now a cardiac imaging specialist) about the surprisingly handyman-like tools routinely used in operating rooms... hip op, eh? Now, a bit of drilling there, and where was that mallet again?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1549 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    up against DeWalt..

    about the surprisingly handyman-like tools routinely used in operating rooms...

    and ripped from today's headlines Life imitates art

    A country doctor saved the life of an Australian teenager by boring a hole into his skull with a household power drill to remove a blood clot.

    yrs
    Blackened Deckard
    Tyrell Corporation

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 4665 posts Report Reply

  • Sam F,

    Precisely, Ian. :)

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1549 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Whoops! Sorry, I didn't realize that this thread has sprung back to life. Have been slowly recovering from playing with Bob-the-baby yesterday in the snowy Port Hills (by the way, if you're in CHCH, I thoroughly recommend a visit -- the snow on the pine trees is very pretty).

    Robyn Gallagher wrote:

    Basically, I read the post, then read the comments and realised that I didn't really get it, but that (at that point) the all-male commenters did get it. So I lept to a conclusion.

    No worries, matey. I was just confused by the "as a woman" bit -- wondering what it could have been.

    There's certainly no law to say that you have to think my stuff is funny. (Mind you, that will all change when I become President-for-life of New Zealand. At that point it *will* become compulsory to laugh at all my jokes, and enhanced interrogation techniques will be applied to anyone who doesn't guffaw heartily enough.)

    Rich of Observationz and Ian Dalziel wrote:

    A country doctor saved the life of an Australian teenager by boring a hole into his skull with a household power drill to remove a blood clot.

    Ha! Yesterday, my inbox was full of emails pointing this out to me. And, yeah, I do take a little credit for inspiring that doctor to get out the drill and save the boy's life. I'll be a bit disappointed if I don't get some sort of 'thank you' gift from the lad's parents.

    A few other people have pointed out that there's another Dear Dr David column offering Biblically-based advice on marriage and family. I don't think he recommends enough surgery-based solutions.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 961 posts Report Reply

  • Joe Wylie,

    And, yeah, I do take a little credit for inspiring that doctor to get out the drill and save the boy's life.

    You're into saving lives? Somehow I'd got the impression that you were more interested in surgery.

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 3370 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    ...were more interested in surgery.

    I want a bride he said!

    yrs
    Wiktor & Igor

    ps get clicking we is at 17/100!!

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 4665 posts Report Reply

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