Field Theory by Hadyn Green

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Field Theory: 25 Things you need to be a man

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  • Hadyn Green,

    kill a rat with a spade

    I killed one with a broom, does that count?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2081 posts Report Reply

  • Rich of Observationz,

    I killed a mouse with a can of beer, does that count?

    Back in Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 4361 posts Report Reply

  • LegBreak,

    Even your sweetheart potentially has one....so I respectfully suggest you put some time aside for exploring; it may result in many good things

    My head is really spinning now.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1162 posts Report Reply

  • Simon Poole,

    I thought the G Spot was an urban legend -- but what the hell do I know? It all sounds like the sexual equivalent of taking the kids to the mall for school shoes. The perfect pair might exist, it might not, but you can't help but wonder if the end justifies the effort.

    I believe it was Billy Connolly that once said he would only be able to find the G Spot with the aid of a wetsuit and a miners helmet.

    In my experience the Graf is no myth, just easier to locate for some than others. Even your sweetheart potentially has one....so I respectfully suggest you put some time aside for exploring; it may result in many good things..

    I'm not saying it can't be found, but can you really call finding the G Spot a 'manly' skill if it's something women are consistently better at? It really doesn't belong on the list.

    I know I'm making myself sound like an oaf in the sack (sorry ladies, I'm taken) but no matter how good you are at finding the G Spot, your woman will probably be better (and if she isn't, why not?!).

    Since Dec 2008 • 161 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    I killed a mouse with a can of beer, does that count?

    My grandmother killed a mouse by jumping into the air screaming when she saw it. Upon returning to earth, she accidentally landed heavily on the scampering mouse, crushing it to death.

    (I suppose that might be the most ladylike way of killing a mouse ever.)

    I thought the G Spot was an urban legend

    I used to think that too.

    <nonchalant whistling>

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3623 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Hosking,

    I killed a mouse with a can of beer, does that count?

    MAAATE!!!

    My partner put a concrete drill through his upper arm. How manly is that?

    That...will take some beating.

    His upper arm?? Was he holding it upside down or something?? And if so, why?

    South Roseneath • Since Nov 2006 • 802 posts Report Reply

  • Richard Irvine,

    I killed one with a broom, does that count?

    Did you use the thin, pointy end or the wide, bristly end?

    Auckland • Since Dec 2006 • 241 posts Report Reply

  • Michael Savidge,

    I'm not saying it can't be found, but can you really call finding the G Spot a 'manly' skill if it's something women are consistently better at? It really doesn't belong on the list.

    Well it's on my list and for me has made being a man a more, um, fulfilling experience. I cannot say the same about vehicle maintenace or rodent slaughter.

    And may I just say that ignorance or disinterest in this matter is sooo last century. It's a win/win outcome for goodness sake.

    Somewhere near Wellington… • Since Nov 2006 • 310 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    That...will take some beating.

    His upper arm?? Was he holding it upside down or something?? And if so, why?

    Okay. I really do need to get him to draw a diagram or something some time.

    Partner used to run computer cable through office buildings. He was drilling a hole in the ceiling above him, but access meant he couldn't drill up, he had to reach up through the access hole, and then drill down .

    The drill bit came down through the ceiling, and into the upper arm of the hand he was holding the drill in. He got to watch his flesh twist around the drill-bit in the kind of interesting shock-y state that doesn't lend itself to putting the drill into reverse.

    The scar is spectacular.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4328 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    I killed one with a broom, does that count?

    Did you use the thin, pointy end or the wide, bristly end?

    The bristly end, but it was a soft bristled broom which meant the thing was almost tickled to death.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2081 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    He was drilling a hole in the ceiling above him, but access meant he couldn't drill up, he had to reach up through the access hole, and then drill down.

    Ooooooh, yeah that's pretty manly. Actually... is it? The scar definitely is.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2081 posts Report Reply

  • Simon Poole,

    And may I just say that ignorance or disinterest in this matter is sooo last century. It's a win/win outcome for goodness sake.

    Oh, I'm not pleading ignorance or disinterest at all. Just that my partner was finding her spot long before I came onto the scene. Definitely not saying I can't/have no interest, just that she's had a few extra years of practice.

    And now we're getting a bit too graphic, methinks.

    Since Dec 2008 • 161 posts Report Reply

  • Richard C,

    While in theory I could manage most things on the list, I am happy in the knowledge that a chap can employ another chap to take care of the tedious business for him. Now be a dear and mix me another daiquiri, won't you?

    Hillaire Belloc would surely approve...

    "Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
    Himself. It struck him dead: and serve him right!
    It is the business of the wealthy man
    To give employment to the artisan"

    Waiheke Island • Since Oct 2007 • 27 posts Report Reply

  • Knowledge Bro,

    I killed a mouse with a can of beer, does that count?

    **Mice just can't hold their liquor**
    But if it were Rheineck it would take four, maybe five cans. More so if said mouse ate a hearty lunch.
    Would a stoned mouse get the mun cheese?

    Know Gold Beer

    Behind the fridge • Since Mar 2009 • 58 posts Report Reply

  • Ian Dalziel,

    The importance of being Ernest...

    Hemingway

    Talk about the ultimate Shooting your mouth off
    or was it to the forehead?

    But he did have polydactyl cats!!

    yrs
    Quasimodo
    Campanologist

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 4555 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    Emma, as far as I can tell, injuring yourself in such a spectacularly stupid manner as your bloke did, is very manly indeed. (at least in Tim Allen's tool-time version of manliness).

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 786 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    I'm ridiculously proud to say that I would score less than 25% on those criteria. As Hadyn has already intimated with this "tying a bow tie" suggestion, there are many other skills and qualities that would be vastly more relevant to the modern chap:

    * Hold one's own in a conversation about politics, quantum mechanics, conceptual art, mediaeval history, climatology, winemaking or Oulipo literature, even if one doesn't know the first thing about it. Especially if one doesn't know the first thing about it.
    * Understand the intimate details and infinite variety of the female anatomy, but know when not to mention it.
    * Know how to make or order a Martini, but also know when it might be more prudent or appropriate to stick with a beer.
    * Be able to cook a full three-course meal, but earn enough not to have to.
    * Know all the rules of gentlemanly attire, and be able to break them with elan.
    * Be able to unhook a bra strap in the dark with one hand.
    * Take joy in the vitality and complexity of the city.
    * Be able to talk oneself out of a sticky situation with one's creditors or an unexpectedly-returning husband.
    * Be on first-name terms with at least one tailor, several ladies of ill repute and at least half the bartenders in the city.
    * Be able to keep a secret, and be able to spread a rumour.
    * Own one's own dinner jacket.
    * Be able to talk your way in to a private function.
    * Know how to tie a Windsor knot, but never do so because it makes one look like Rodney Hide.
    * Be equally at home quoting Baudelaire, Lauris Edmond and Kent Brockman.
    * Be comfortable with being the centre of attention, but know when to shut up.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1039 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    The scar is spectacular.

    I'm faintly disappointed it wasn't one of those "doesn't everybody vacuum in the nude and accidentally fall on the nozzle at such an angle it gets stuck?" kind of stories. Better luck next time, I guess.

    Jeez Craig, and here was me thinking you were a man of the world!

    In my experience the Graf is no myth, just easier to locate for some than others. Even your sweetheart potentially has one....so I respectfully suggest you put some time aside for exploring; it may result in many good things..

    If my sweetie has a G-spot (and a vagina to keep it in) I've got to give back that toaster oven and the complete run of homosexual agendas. Bugger, so to speak. And my female acquaintances are not that helpful.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 11783 posts Report Reply

  • Don Christie,

    By the way, didn't Rudyard Kipling have a more complete list, my son?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1615 posts Report Reply

  • DeepRed,

    # Protect your computer

    And build and upgrade it. My own machine is now into its 7th upgrade since 1996.

    The southernmost capital … • Since Nov 2006 • 4060 posts Report Reply

  • Islander,

    Well, 6 of that original list are beyond me (3 in vehicle section, 2 in computer, and 1 in home - fixing a dead outlet - unless it's caused by a blown fuse- is just not on.) But I was brought up in an era & homes when everyone was expected to be able to turn their hand to a wide range of things. And, we were fishers & homemakers (from the ground up) & shooters & cooks to boot-

    I have respect for people who are socially couth no matter what the situation ( am not.) I admire people who have a wellstocked brain (as it were.) I happily acknowledge that we all have different skill-sets, and, like Stephen Judd, prefer my specialists to be good at what they do - an appendectomy by an amateur somehow doesnt appeal.

    I especially enjoy the fact that, now, a geat deal of what we can do is no longer rigidly classified into 'male/manly' and 'female/womanly' areas.

    Which I think was the very good point Hayden was making.

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report Reply

  • Jackie Clark,

    I have never been more convinced of my own utter uselessness.

    If it helps, Danielle, we could make that list of 'things a lady should be able to do', and then gleefully celebrate not being able to do any of them.

    Can we do that, please ? Funnily enough, thinking about it over the last almost 20 years of connubial bliss or whatever, I have to say that most traits that are proscribed as "female" my old boy has, and I have the more "male" ones. Par example - multitasking. What is it? And why would anyone want to do it?

    Mt Eden, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3121 posts Report Reply

  • Pete,

    I can do most of these things and am far more impressed by the urbane addendum of Tom Beard's.

    As a Wellingtonian I would add the following for a post earthquake situation - and this is for femmes and hommes:-

    Have an eq kit,
    Have an agreed rendezvous point and plan for one's loved ones
    and, ideally, own a trailbike..

    Since Apr 2008 • 76 posts Report Reply

  • Stuart Coats,

    The scar is spectacular.

    I would say it's not the fact that the drilled his own arm that makes him manly, anyone can do that (even me), but how he reacted once it happened.
    One of the most "manly" things I ever saw was on TV. This guy was catching crocodiles to tag them for some scientific research. he had the croc on the boat, got his hand too close to the mouth and chomp!! Did the guy yell? No, because that would have made the croc really thrash around. The guy got the other people on the boat to slowly twist the croc's head to make it release its grip. And then there was the priceless moment when he calmly said "nah, the other direction." Truly awesome.
    The reporter, meanwhile, had fainted.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 181 posts Report Reply

  • Gabor Toth,

    Learn to shave properly - with a proper shaving brush, shaving soap and a quality double-edged safety razor (straight razor also acceptable). Over the past three decades or so, several multinationals have managed to convince most of the male population that canned goo & a multi-bladed monstrosity of a razor costing around $4 per cartridge gives a good shave.

    Wellington • Since Dec 2006 • 118 posts Report Reply

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