Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: Does My Mortgage Look Like a Slag in This?

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  • Emma Hart,

    confirmation by the braille method is nearly always off limits unless you already know the owner of the assets on a fairly intimate basis.

    For a long time now, I've wanted a t-shirt that says 'If you can read this, you're too close' in Braille.

    Whenever the Tui "all-girl brewery" ads started, about 2-3 years ago I think.

    See, I think the Tui ads are funny - the joke being that the men aren't displaying APB, but are too beer-obsessed to notice the women at all. ("Gorgeous beer.") Whereas the Burger King and Coke Zero ads are just crass. But then I'm not the target market for any of it. (I have a friend who loves the Primo ad. He's gay. Don't know what that tells you, if anything.)

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4371 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I knew the time had come when so many of the good columnists had gone that I was looking forward to Joanne Black.

    I know it irritates Giovanni, but I was reminiscing with friends the other day about the Good Old Listener Days, when the first thing you did was turn to page 94 and read Steve Braunias's latest tale of his red couch/custard squares/drinking binge. Of course, I am not the Public Address writer whose partner took to removing that page when it became Joanne Black's, in order to avoid an hour's frothing and swearing...

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4371 posts Report Reply

  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    Best NZ mag out there these days? NZ Gardener. By far!

    Subjective. I'd go for several design/ architecture mags.Had Gardener sub for 3 years, had reasons to stop, but still get design and architecture mags which tend to have fresh monthly ideas. Gardener was good for a while then felt repetitive.

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6298 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    See, I think the Tui ads are funny - the joke being that the men aren't displaying APB, but are too beer-obsessed to notice the women at all. ("Gorgeous beer.")

    Aw, come on, they're gay. Isn't that obvious? Same with the Speights ads, where the guy who's engaged with the babe finds an excuse to break it off based on the fact that she doesn't drink one of dozen of identical mass-produced beers. It's got nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with finding out who you really are in the transition to full adulthood. Beautiful, really.

    Next week, we're going to get into what they really mean by "pride of the South".

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7390 posts Report Reply

  • Dave Patrick,

    Joanne Black's column features in discussions in our house regularly - even my 13 year old daughter mocks her columns about her kids. She's so self-obsessed she makes Narcissus seem empathetic.

    Rangiora, Te Wai Pounamu • Since Nov 2006 • 237 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    loves the Primo ad

    Love that ad too - there is just something surreal about those girls on bouncy balls. It's the wierdness of it all that works for me.
    Agree about the coke and Burger King ads - they are just crass and lazy. Somewhere there is someone who came up with those ads and still calls themselves "creative".

    The Tui ads are somewhere in between for me. I like the obsessiveness about the boys and that they are a both brilliant and dim. But I find the amount of flesh used to define the Tui worker as gorgeous is too much. They are gorgeous, they don't need to be 75% naked as well.

    I've wanted a t-shirt that says 'If you can read this, you're too close' in Braille.

    You've said this before and still your partner hasn't given you one for Christmas? I think you need to be less subtle.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3434 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen,

    Oh and just another point.

    My comments have all been silly. that's because I find the Listener piece so stupid it's hard to respond with anything other than silly.

    I detest the idea that you are allowed to do or not do to someone simply because of what they wear. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 3434 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    I know it irritates Giovanni, but I was reminiscing with friends the other day about the Good Old Listener Days, when the first thing you did was turn to page 94 and read Steve Braunias's latest tale of his red couch/custard squares/drinking binge.

    He had his moments, but his whiney English football fan persona was just unbearable and seemed to complete take over late in his tenure. But with the benefit of hindsight, sure, compared to Joanne Black he's Nadine Fucking Gordimer. Very able writer, to be sure.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7390 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    You've said this before and still your partner hasn't given you one for Christmas? I think you need to be less subtle.

    This is the last t-shirt he bought me. The guy is basically made of win. I'm not sure it's possible for me to be less subtle.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4371 posts Report Reply

  • Danielle,

    Why does Joanne Black exist?

    That may be rather too much of a metaphysical question, actually. Let me rephrase: what was her gig before this?

    Charo World. Cuchi-cuchi!… • Since Nov 2006 • 3662 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Let me rephrase: what was her gig before this?

    She was a missionary in Montecarlo, bringing expedited building consents to the super-wealthy.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7390 posts Report Reply

  • John Fouhy,

    Richard Long, writing on Stuff:

    The awful driving statistics for [15 to 24-year-olds] are made worse by our Anglo-Celtic genes which seem to inspire binge drinking in many adolescents, with young women (the ladettes) now alarmingly emulating the males.

    link

    It's all William the Conqueror's fault!

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 87 posts Report Reply

  • octopusgrrl,

    Haven't read the Listener for a number of years now although I snicker over the headlines every so often. We get the TV Guide, and where once the letters to Mr Telly were a source of constant amusement/headdesking, they're actually becoming more literate and interesting as of late - is it maybe the Listener's diaspora?

    Dunedin • Since May 2009 • 30 posts Report Reply

  • James Butler,

    Whereas the Burger King and Coke Zero ads are just crass

    I (slightly) know one of the guys behind the Burger King ads. He has a degree in Performance Voice.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2009 • 801 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    I guess it's okay to say that they could have had Graham Reid for Page 94 ...

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 19019 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    I saw a new ad on the telly last week.

    I hear a catchy infectious tune, I see scantily (but extremely colourfully) clad women on roller skates.

    "Hmmm.... they're going a bit over-the top on the women in underwear thing." I think to myself. "So what are they selling?"

    "Oh- they're selling womens underwear"

    I guess that's OK then?

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 798 posts Report Reply

  • Heather W.,

    Apparently other people want that same 'if you can read this ...etc braille tshirt or maybe this one.

    North Shore • Since Nov 2008 • 187 posts Report Reply

  • John Fouhy,

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 87 posts Report Reply

  • Heather W.,

    Thanks John Fouhy,

    Would have linked to them too but when looked at their site couldn't get any further than the front page.

    North Shore • Since Nov 2008 • 187 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Apparently other people want that same 'if you can read this ...etc braille tshirt or maybe this one.

    Awesome. Thank you, internet.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4371 posts Report Reply

  • Rachel Prosser,

    It's all William the Conqueror's fault!

    I think William was a Norman, hence the idea of "The Norman Yoke" on the anglo-celts who were there pre 1066.

    "Oh- they're selling womens underwear"

    I guess that's OK then

    It reminded me of the great ad for Hanes using the Momix dancers

    Christchurch • Since Mar 2008 • 225 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    It's all William the Conqueror's fault!

    He wasn't very Celtic was he?

    Since Nov 2006 • 6211 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    I have a t-shirt that says "a a" in braille, but only when it's cold out.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 708 posts Report Reply

  • John Fouhy,

    He wasn't very Celtic was he?

    Ah, true. For some reason I was mentally confusing celts and gauls.
    (and I guess the Normans were only half-gaul at best)

    So can we blame? Boadicea?

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 87 posts Report Reply

  • James Butler,

    Ah, true. For some reason I was mentally confusing celts and gauls.
    (and I guess the Normans were only half-gaul at best)

    Not that confused: Gauls are Celts. Normans are mostly Viking.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2009 • 801 posts Report Reply

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