Up Front by Emma Hart

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Up Front: It's Not Sex, and It's Not Education

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  • Russell Brown, in reply to BenWilson,

    Since the conversation has strayed that way, there’s also the huge issue of the porn industry staying very much away from depicting condom use.

    There was a brief phase of it. It didn’t sell. People watch porn to have a fantasy, not watch something their teacher told them they should do.

    It's a much bigger issue in the gay community. I recall Urge being under social pressure to take the bareback porn off their in-house screens, but I can't recall whether they did.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22850 posts Report

  • Emma Hart, in reply to James Butler,

    you have to use the resources available to assess whether you think it's going to be enjoyable or not

    Once when she was doing a con, Renegade Evolution (prostitute, gonzo porn actor) was asked about anal. She said, it's a lot like yoga. It looks really painful. If you just try to leap straight into the position, so to speak, it's going to BE really painful. But if you know what you're doing, and you "warm up" properly first, then it can be (and here I am arguing against the idea that it never is, not advocating that it always is) intensely pleasurable. Now, porn isn't usually going to show you that process, but it doesn't never. Particularly BDSM porn seems to be better at 'context' than mainstream porn.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Lilith __,

    so it was you who filled the internet with porn!! Impressive. ;-)

    Now you can see why it appears I never get anything done. That's a big job.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report

  • BenWilson, in reply to Emma Hart,

    I’ve seen it suggested that young people, girls especially, feel more pressured to say yes to sex acts which are common in porn but less likely to be pleasurable IRL, because their partner can find hundreds of porn examples in a second and say “Look, everyone does it!”

    Yes, money shots would be a prime example. The need to actually see the jizz comes from an act that is primarily for observation, rather than participation.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10657 posts Report

  • BenWilson, in reply to Russell Brown,

    I can't imagine it working out too well - porn is just too easy to make, the whole world over. Hollywood can't dominate it, so safe sex propaganda just isn't that easy to control. It would rapidly become a simple matter of survival - if no one is downloading the condom porn, it takes money to prop it up.

    It's still around - porn from Brazil often has it, probably because of the high level of AIDS there. I expect it's a niche market, like Plumper porn.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10657 posts Report

  • Tom Beard,

    So, what do you do when one kid says "condoms are not allowed by my religion..."

    Personally? I'd say "Then it's a bloody stupid religion".

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report

  • Ross Mason,

    insouciance

    Must be time to get serious.

    My children, I would start, there are a lot of bugs, viruses and fungi out there that don't do you a lot of good. In fact, some can kill you. Some of these are associated with sex. You are becoming more aware of your body. Your hormones are wiring your brain to think about all sorts of things. Within most of you it will be thinking ALL about the opposite gender. Some will begin thinking about the same gender. All the bugs, viruses and fungi cannot or will not know the difference. You have some choices here. You can sleep - or just go to bed - with yourself. Some of you will want to do more than think about the other gender and with some mutual - and very importantly, willing - assistance from them you will want to explore each other. You can do this from afar. You can do this with a fumble through the clothes or, you can get naked. Once naked, the warmth, touch and sounds of the other body will almost certainly get you, well, horny or even randy. It is nature's way.

    Eventually you will want to play with each others genitals. Those bits that feel the best. You can continue poking, prodding and playing but eventually substances from both bodies that were once shrouded by the protection of skin, blood vessels and clothes could begin to mingle. At this point you have another choice. You can continue. Or, you can try and stop and think about it. Unfortunately at this point your raging hormone war will be telling your brain to narrow down your focus and forget about consequences. Again, this is nature's way. But let us assume you have decided to take a break and think about it. What are your options? Stopping is a really hard one. Cold shower does not look appealing. But, my children, I am giving you this advice so that when THAT moment comes you will be armed with information and you will have some choices - preferably - at hand. You can ask for a both sides handjob. There is no shame in that. In fact it can be fun. Or, you can haul out the condom that you both have mutually agreed to use, understand it's benefits and failings and apply a good dollop of lube and go for it.

    Now back to the bugs, viruses and fungi. There are many. They generally go under the term STD. Why? Because generally, they ARE transmittted by having sex. (Picks up the voluminous bundle supplied by Family Planning). Read this. Devour it. Discover how these diseases can be prevented. Because I can assure you that prevention is almost certainly better than cure or treatment. Yes, we have antibiotics but the war is a brutal one and many bugs are becoming adept at ignoring the bullets. In some cases the cure is worse than the disease. Not that I should be scaring you. But life can be a nasty business. In Africa, the incidence of HIV is appalling. An acquaintance, a doctor who worked in Africa fighting HIV, told me that for many african men, the only thing they will put on their penis is a woman. I hope you realise you are lucky. You have soap and water to wash your hands. You have showers to cleanse your body. You have protection in the form of condoms. A wonderful invention utilising science and technology to its best purpose, that is, protection of humans and enhancing life's pleasures with a modicum of risk. Both genders can undertake to use similar devices to ensure that your risk of contracting any of these diseases is reduced significantly. There will always be a risk. A condom will break. You left putting it on too late. Oh...and did I mention pregnancy??

    And finally, it is the one device that gave woman - and men don't forget - the ability to choose their family. It gave choice to their life. A truly truly wonderful gift.

    I do hope you learn to appreciate it.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to Russell Brown,

    It’s a much bigger issue in the gay community.

    It’s also a rather fascinating legal issue in California where the porn industry isn’t exempt from the California Occupational Safety and Health Act.

    ETA: Ben - well, when it comes to topping the bottom line (so to speak) I guess you have a point that nobody would make bareback porn if people weren't consuming it. But, to take it to the reductio ad absurdum, there are paedophiles; and it's rather easy to forget that there are actual human beings in the porn industry. I'm not so sure my wank is really worth someone else's misery.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report

  • BenWilson, in reply to Craig Ranapia,

    It wasn't a justification for porn, it was an explanation of the low rate of non-bareback porn. It's just not a very widespread popular fantasy. At least not for porn consumers, who are quite possibly over-represented by soloists who have never done any of the things they see, nor will.

    I'd claim it as a victory for my belief that most people don't fantasize about using a condom, suggesting reluctance could be widespread, but it doesn't actually follow. Fantasy is different from reality. People do things they don't fantasize about most of the time.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10657 posts Report

  • Paul Williams, in reply to Craig Ranapia,

    I guess you have a point that nobody would make bareback porn if people weren't consuming it.

    I'm sure that's right. Shaun Robinson, EO of the NZ Aids Council, is a friend and told me of his frustration when the winner of Mr Gay NZ, in his acceptance speech, told the audience he was off to do bareback work in the US porn industry. Personal choice is one thing, entering a competion with an organisation that preaches safe sex is another.

    Sydney • Since Nov 2006 • 2273 posts Report

  • Russell Brown, in reply to Paul Williams,

    I’m sure that’s right. Shaun Robinson, EO of the NZ Aids Council, is a friend and told me of his frustration when the winner of Mr Gay NZ, in his acceptance speech, told the audience he was off to do bareback work in the US porn industry. Personal choice is one thing, entering a competion with an organisation that preaches safe sex is another.

    Far out. I'd be bloody angry if I were Shaun. Taking the prize and saying that from the stage is real bad faith.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22850 posts Report

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to BenWilson,

    It wasn’t a justification for porn, it was an explanation of the low rate of non-bareback porn.

    Oh, no I got that - but it's a rather interesting conundrum. I guess my hackles go up around this issue because I not only know HIV-positive folks (and how bloody awful their lives get) but straight women who've suffered severe long-term health issues from undiagnosed STIs.

    With the porn industry, you're always going to have scary monsters and supercreeps around the place. But I also think "the market" is a too convenient a scapegoat for a lot of douche baggery. I don't know, perhaps it's going to take a shit load of lawsuits and OSH/public health prosecutions (and large settlements and fines) for the industry to clean up its act but my inner market purist would rather see more producers deciding that a healthy workforce, positive messages and a healthy profit don't need to be mutually exclusive.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to Paul Williams,

    Shaun Robinson, EO of the NZ Aids Council, is a friend and told me of his frustration when the winner of Mr Gay NZ, in his acceptance speech, told the audience he was off to do bareback work in the US porn industry. Personal choice is one thing, entering a competion with an organisation that preaches safe sex is another.

    Grrr... In Robinson's position, I'd have discretely given the little skank a Tonya Harding. Not merely bad faith but bad taste.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report

  • Max Rose,

    Well, put me down as someone who has problems with condoms. Not an absolute one, because I've had long-term relationships that were condom-only and generally worked fine, and erections haven't always behaved themselves without them, but it certainly makes a difference. On occasions with a new partner when I've had more than a few drinks (and at the moment, that's most of the time), there's a spiral of physical and psychological insecurity that leads to me not even wanting to try.

    And in those situations, virtually all of the time I'm more than happy to leave PIV for the moment. I'd rather wait for the morning, with its combination of relative sobriety, morning wood and relatively unhurried pace, and enjoy all the rest of the repertoire in the interim. To be honest, PIV is only a small part of what I enjoy about sex anyway: spending hours exploring each other's bodies, feeling skin on skin, kissing and licking, is sex for me. Nothing is more gorgeous than holding someone while they come, and if you had to ask me what "unsatisfying sex" is for me, it's not when I don't come but when my lover doesn't.

    But not every woman feels the same way, and while my early sex education probably gave me a healthy appetite for outercourse, it doesn't prepare me that well for those occasions when a lover just wants to be fucked. hard. right. now. In those situations, I've found that one of three things has happened:

    - I've tried to explain, or fudge along the lines of "I'd just like us to take our time for a bit". Usually, those affairs don't proceed for much longer.

    - Once or twice, when the reason for me not wanting sex was not so much my worries about condoms but their temporary unavailability, I've been pretty much given no option. I certainly wouldn't want to call it rape, but being climbed on and pinned down, while being told in no uncertain terms "get inside me now", was something that I could have physically resisted but had enough conflicted thoughts about it that I didn't.

    - On a very few occasions, I've gone against my better judgement and consented to unprotected sex. Mostly, that's been in situations when we were heading in the direction of an exclusive relationship anyway, but it's really not the sensible way to make that transition.

    I'm pretty sure that there's a combination of physical and mental techniques I could use to get more comfortable with them, but mostly I'm happy just waiting for the moment when there's really no chance of untoward detumescence. But they certainly can be awkward little blighters, and no mistake.

    Wellington • Since Sep 2011 • 83 posts Report

  • BenWilson, in reply to Craig Ranapia,

    I don't know, perhaps it's going to take a shit load of lawsuits and OSH/public health prosecutions (and large settlements and fines) for the industry to clean up its act but my inner market purist would rather see more producers deciding that a healthy workforce, positive messages and a healthy profit don't need to be mutually exclusive.

    It would take a heck of a lot, I think. It's the ultimate globalized business, in some ways typifying everything that's both simultaneously good and bad about globalization.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10657 posts Report

  • Paul Williams, in reply to Craig Ranapia,

    Yes to you and Russell... it was a beauty contest though...

    Sydney • Since Nov 2006 • 2273 posts Report

  • Islander, in reply to Fooman,

    Goodness! That is the most interesting social thing I've read since checking Victorian trades...thank you!

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report

  • Islander, in reply to Emma Hart,

    ou can’t possibly know which kids are the non-straight non-vanilla ones, but it doesn’t matter because EVERYONE benefits from exploring a broader idea of “sex”.

    Yes & no: you all are - quite naturally - missing out on 1-2% of the human population who are -gasp- asexuals.
    We do not have any kind of sexual attraction to anyone (or anything- it's kind of a relief for an asexual to learn that the 'phenomonen' has also been described & studied among rats, baboons, and rams...) We are not many - but anything about fucking is just - meh?

    Learning about human boundaries, and how you can enforce "no = NO" - and protect yourself from unwanted advances, should be empatically part of any 'learning about sex' course.'

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Islander,

    Yes & no: you all are – quite naturally – missing out on 1-2% of the human population who are -gasp- asexuals.

    Yeah, I'm sticking by the statement that "everyone benefits from exploring a broader idea of sex". I don't mean just in their own personal sexual behaviour. I mean also by being more accepting of the different sexual practices of other people. Which would include being aware of and responsive to different levels of sex drive, right out to the extremes, and removing value judgements around the amount or kind of sex that anyone chooses to have.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report

  • Islander, in reply to Emma Hart,

    <q>and removing value judgements around the amount or kind of sex that anyone chooses to have.

    Except - asexuals dont CHOOSE. And- very rarely indeed- find other humans accepting of the fact we have no sex drives of any kind whatsoever.

    Believe, after 50+ years, of wondering & learning (&unlearning), I am tolerant of the 98%+ of the humankind who are very different from me.

    I look forward to the time the rest of humankind becomes tolerant of me & my kind.

    I would almost guarentee that asexuality is not mentioned - let alone explained-
    in any school course on sexuality.

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report

  • Sofie Bribiesca,

    So, maybe then, give basics in class and choice to leave class if you're not interested. Without judgement. Then follow up with offers to free medical advice care and condoms in differing sizes (read discussed earlier in said classes). I'd actually have a free text line for any questions, discoveries etc 24/7. And, be honest, don't underestimate children, they're quite bright young things and should be still learning to enable themselves to be the best they can on this planet . Let's face it, they are here because some of you guys got all jiggy on it. :)

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6796 posts Report

  • Sofie Bribiesca, in reply to Islander,

    I look forward to the time the rest of humankind becomes tolerant of me & my kind.

    The humankind (and dog) I hang out with would love you to bits Islander. Like my hermaphrodite family member, one never knew who he was but everyone knew who he was. Made no difference. Plus the many family of mine (Catholic by the way) sex issues from sexuality to sex ed is pretty meh because its a natural part of being raised with awareness. I feel very lucky that if I wanted to know something I could ask. Someone would help. All kids deserve that eh?

    here and there. • Since Nov 2007 • 6796 posts Report

  • Ian Dalziel, in reply to Emma Hart,

    chewing wood...

    Porn is the only reason I know about dental dams.

    are we talking Beaver here?

    Christchurch • Since Dec 2006 • 7953 posts Report

  • Islander, in reply to Sofie Bribiesca,

    I feel very lucky that if I wanted to know something I could ask. Someone would help. All kids deserve that eh?

    O yes indeedy! We had our mother for the non-curly questions, and then the whole wide (and variously sexed) whanau – aue! none were asexual, and damty, we never
    included a hermaphrodite - how excellent to have such a rellie!

    I serve, happily, as the whanau person who will answer the questions you think your parents either wouldnt be happy answering or would be quite unhappy you were asking them – always with the knowledge that, with the enquiror’s permission, I may refer you back to whanau…

    it’s been good reading honest and informed responses in an area I dont often bother
    to read about. Thank you Emma, and thank you all who have responded. No reira, ka mihi ora ki a koutou, ki a tatou-

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report

  • Islander, in reply to Sofie Bribiesca,

    The humankind (and dog) I hang out with would love you to bits Islander. Like my hermaphrodite family member, one never knew who he was but everyone knew who he was. Made no difference

    Thanks mate!
    We'll catch up soon-really *baaad* cheese on the way!

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report

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