Girlie’s in a mood. I asked her to clean up the mess in the kitchen from her dinner on Saturday, and breakfast and lunch on Sunday. Somehow she finds this unreasonable, even though her one and only chore, the one I pay her pocket money for, is to keep the kitchen tidy.
Anyway, I’ve now gone on strike. I’m not cooking or making her lunch until she cleans it up. Or paying her pocket money until she gets her act in order. That’s it. Out brothers out!
Which all reminds me I’ve been asked for some teen parenting tips by Wendy, who happens to be the Girlie’s aunt. So here goes, Rob’s Top 5 tips for the modern parent of surly teenagers.
1. Getting them to clean up the kitchen: see above.
2. Getting them out of bed: There are number of methods here but my favourite is to play music really loudly, especially if any of you have a copy of Sweet’s Ballroom Blitz, the sirens are a killer. Alternatively you can always throw cold water over them.
3. Keeping them out of your stash: Well you could keep it better hidden, but they usually find it anyway. You could increase their allowance so they can go buy their own, or just buy some for them and take it out of their allowance. Hell, if you do this you could even start raiding their stash! I was around a mate's place a few years ago when he rolled into the lounge furious and shouted at his kids: “Will you little bastards stay out of my drugs! Go and buy your fuckin’ own.” Truly admirable, I think.
4. Dealing with the boyfriend: this one’s easy – embarrass the hell out of them and you won’t have them hanging around. I did this with my elder daughter’s boyfriend (yes there are really two Girlies, just the other one’s a Sneebles). He waltzed in with his pants hanging way down low to share his buttcrack with me. Sneebs was obviously pretty proud of him, but, just as they were about to head out, I offered him the loan of a belt. They were aghast. “No, seriously, I’ve got a spare one.” Never saw Mr Buttcrack around ours again.
Now you might say it’s better to have them round so at least you know they’re safe and comfortable. Fuck that new age horse shit! Kick ‘em out and let them do it all the old-fashioned shameful way, same as we did. Never did us any harm. Alternatively you can always throw cold water over them.
5. Keeping them out of your whisky. This one is closely related to point 3 but a different strategy offers itself. In the 50s and 60s if kids were sly grogging, they would top up their parents' whisky with tea to stave off discovery. These days it pays to be proactive in your parenting. Keep a spare empty bottle of whisky and fill it full of tea to start with. Then when they come looking... You could add laxatives if they’re persistent – or just for the hell of it.
Now another correspondent, a certain C J Bell, has pointed out that the term “mid-Atlantic” is often a term of mild abuse in Europe: “It was most often used ironically in the 1980s to describe those Radio One DJs of the Smashey and Nicey ilk who spoke with a painfully adopted American accent when they were actually from Epping or Ongar. Speaking as a bi (almost tri)-lingual European who's spent quite a bit of time in the States, man (and who has never done a lodda work for charriddy), I take exception at the notion that being mid-Atlantic is anything other than a big smelly blob of sargasso.”
Fair cop. You can't argue with such obvious sophistication. I’ve heard the term used in that way as well. This usage seems most common among nationalists of one form or another. I’ve read it used by Quebec French, for instance, when arguing for a more indigenous Quebecish theatre. Ipso facto, if you'll pardon my French, Quebec French, good; mid-Atlantic French (that is harking back to or hankering after European Frenchness), bad.
But I’ve also heard it used in a positive way too. So there.