I have decided to stand for Parliament this election. The calibre of MPs continues to decline, and frankly we need someone of my quality. My experience is long, wide, and deep; my network of contacts is impressive; I have the common touch and I can campaign like a sonofabitch.
I have come this far before and balked; there are certain undisclosed matters that could make things awkward. Today, however, I am cleaning out my Augean stables. You might want to roll up your trousers.
1. I once wrote a favourable review of a John Key speech in exchange for sexual favours from a Young Nat. I have never visited John Key.
2. I am a silent partner in that South Auckland block of flats you read about in the Listener.
3. I have been supplying public relations counsel to seven members of the Hawkes Bay district health board. I have in the last four months conducted 48 workshops for nurses and cleaning staff on the effective use of Powerpoint.
4. Four years ago I was shopping in a Christchurch supermarket when I noticed a pretty young Russian humming discordantly to herself.
5. One night when I was getting fonged with Matthew Hooton and John Ansell I made a joke about Iwi and Kiwi.
6. My billboard design business was paid $83,621 for "Want Longer Lasting Sex?“
7. I get a three cent royalty on every packet of Bluebird chips your kids buy for the rugby cards.
8. I play 18 holes with Mark Bryers on Tuesdays and nine with Rod Petricevic on Thursdays. On Saturdays David Richwhite lets me take the chopper out to dive-bomb sunbathers at Opito Bay. If I don’t bag ten, I have to detail his Hummer.
9. I have two pairs of Crocs.
10. My friend Damian Christie has three.