Poll Dancer by Keith Ng

Bruckheimer to Produce 'Apocalypse'

In the biggest shake-up to hit Hollywood in recent decades, Omniscient Studios has announced that acclaimed producer Jerry Bruckheimer will take over from the Anti-Christ as the producer of the big-budget action-comedy, The Apocalypse. The troubled project, with an original release date of 1000 A.D., has been plagued by mismanagement, budget problems of 'biblical' proportions as well as delays in primary shooting. Industry observers have been compared its troubles with Francis Ford Capola's own Apocalypse Now.

The Anti-Christ, the actor-producer who has been on the project since its conception, expressed disappointment at the studio's decision and has told reporters that he will be returning to Hell to seek legal advice. Anti-Christ and the other members of the original cast, War, Famine and Plague, are set to be replaced before shooting begins.

A crew member in the original production told Salient that the original cast 'wasn't cut out for show-biz'. 'Plague was never very popular with the rest of the cast. Or the crew, for that matter, ever since his make-up guys got those giant boils and died clawing their own eyes out. And I think that War has some serious anger-management issues. I heard that he killed the entire crew when he found out World War I finished.'

Though Bruckheimer had wanted Famine in the final production, studio executives had concerns that the emaciated undead actor 'perpetuated an unhealthy body image'.

In his first week as producer, Bruckheimer has successfully secured a star-studded cast to replace the incumbent immortal beings. Production insiders described the scene last week as “bedlam”, when War, Famine and Plague were told of the news.

Ian McKellen, who played the title role in Richard Loncraine's Richard III, has been offered the leading role as Anti-Christ, while Steve Buscimi has confirmed that he will be playing Famine, the hilarious bumbling Horseman.

It is also rumoured that Bruckheimer is seeking to rewrite the Book of Revelations to remove the role of Plague and replace it with a love interest for Ben Afflick angst-filled character, War, struggling to come to terms with his own awesome powers of destruction. The new fourth Horseperson, whose working name is PMS, is described as a strong, feisty and independent woman, who really just needs a wild and sexy man who plays by his own rules to tame her. An African-American role will also be included, played by Sydney Pontier, called 'the guy in the background during the opening credits'.

Primary filming will begin early next year in tandem with the next Bush invasion and is expected to be completed by May, pending approval by the Environmental Protection Agency for the final 'end of the world nuclear apocalypse' scene. The final release is due in November 2004, in all cinemas that survive The End.


That's all the blasphemous satire from me. But from the media-freedom corner, Tom Scott hits it on the head better than any of the editorials, I think.

Chalk one for the cartoonists!

Daryl Cagle's cartoon index also has a massive collection of cartoons from around the world about the cartoons. [Hat tip: Te Radar] It's a bit post-modern, but a lot of it is very funny. This one's my favourite.

Still, it's alarming how the continental European cartoonists uniformally suck. Maybe I should send in bomb threats... And what the hell is with the smoking one on the first page? "Smoking daily news"? "Smoker-in-Chief"?

Scriptual aside: A pious PA reader has advised me that God would never consider another great flood, because he promised in Genesis that there would never be another one.

Take that, climate change scientists!