Random Play by Graham Reid

Political commentators have been surprised at the sudden rise of the newly-formed Auckland-based separatist party which is now polling higher than New Zealand First.

Proponents of the Auckland Region Separate Economic Zone -- which argues the city should secede from New Zealand and become an independent nation -- have found strong support in Auckland, but more surprisingly from the rest of the country.

“It would seem the provinces are so sick of Auckland’s problems they’d rather see them go it alone,” says David Colgate of the polling organisation Colgate-Brumbie.

“Many of those questioned in the South Island added unpublishable comments about Aucklanders.”

Results from the Colgate-Brumbie poll show the new party at 9 percent, above New Zealand First (seven percent), the Greens (six percent), and that party Jim Anderton leads but no one knows the name of is on about two or three percent. Or something pathetic like that.

The sudden rise of the separatist movement raises the possibility it could hold the balance of power after the election. This would allow it a strong negotating position to wrestle concessions for the region out of central government before it goes it alone.

“We prefer to think of it as a balance of self-interest,” said party founder and leader, Auckland importer Michael Tucker yesterday. “Auckland is the powerhouse of the New Zealand economy, we have some of the most highly qualified taxi drivers in the world, and of course are home to major attractions like Kelly Tarlton’s and the Geisha Girl House on K Rd.

“So it is inevitable we be more self-determining, especially since we have been so ill-served by central government.

“We’ve had an MP designated to look after Auckland issues, and a fat lot of good that has done us.

“The prime minister lives in the city but you still can’t drive along Dominion Rd near where she has a house because the roads are clogged. If she’d been the King of Tonga that little problem would have been sorted out pretty damn quick, I can tell you.

“Basically central government has done bugger all for us so we might as well go it alone. We’ll take Che Fu, the rest of the country can have Michael Barrymore.”

Among the party’s proposals is that Auckland residents be issued with a special ID card and a voucher for three flat whites, redeemable at cafes in Parnell, Ponsonby and Hunter’s Corner. Immigration by other New Zealanders will be strictly monitored and Mr Tucker said in the first year he expects a net migration loss which will allow the city’s infrastructure to be improved.

“We are proposing a levy on incoming passengers from other centres around what is currently known as New Zealand -- excluding returning Aucklanders -- and expect that revenue can be channelled directly into roading and infrastructure. There will be no need for tolled roads under this scheme.

“And we have an innovative policy which we see as a win-win for the new nation and its former provinces. For a long time we’ve been hearing from people in the more rural provinces that wankers from Aucklanders need to get out and see how real New Zealanders live. We agree.

“So rather than sentencing criminals -- particularly violent offenders and white collar wankers -- into periods of expensive incarceration in the city we are going to offer them a one way ticket to the destination of their choice -- Bluff, Westport, Tauranga and the like -- plus $500 spending money.

“We expect this innovation will be a much needed and very welcome cash injection for some of the smaller towns. They‘ll doubtless be getting in touch very soon to thank the ARSEZ up this way.”

*see Alternative Nation5. By the way, the last posting was not a column by Joanne Black of the Listener but a parody of one. Apologies to those who wrote believing it was the real thing. Worrying though how easily we can be fooled, huh?

This copy of what seems to be award-winning Listener columnist Joanne Black’s back page piece for next week accidentally ended up in a friend’s in-box. We publish it here to give Public Address readers an exclusive first.

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Rubbish collection day in our suburb is Tuesday, which coincidentally is the day I walk our youngest to playcentre. Which means that on the way we pass dozens of untidy bins lining the footpath. We also walk past the homes of two highly placed politicians and when we pass their bins I slow down. Just in the hope of catching something important by way of a misplaced Cabinet paper, or the draft of a policy platform that National is about to release.

I have often wondered what is in those bins and am occasionally tempted just to lift the lid and grab whatever pieces of paper are in there. You’ll remember that it was the American obsessive and self-styled garbologist A.J.Weberman who periodically went through Bob Dylan’s rubbish to try and find the secret heart and thoughts of the man.

I’m not sure I really want to find the secret heart and thoughts of one of Labour’s more stern frontbench members.

Anyway I don’t think there would be a lot to learn. Their important papers are shredded and in their bins you would only find discarded discount vouchers for The Warehouse, a shopping list and maybe a few of those annoying inserts you get in Time and Newsweek.

Unlike our rubbish bin where you find all of those things, but also piles of discarded political pamphlets. Some from the people down the road.

Weberman wouldn’t have much fun in our suburb.

****

Since I came back from my State Department-funded trip to America many people have asked me which city I liked the best. It would be easy to say New York and Los Angeles (which were like different countries) because of the great shopping -- and sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I shopped.

But really I’d have to say Washington DC. Why? Because it is so well laid out and you can get to your appointments quickly. Or at least our driver made sure we did. It just seemed like such an orderly city, unlike Wellington. Or Auckland. It is more like Christchurch. But not Dunedin. Or Hamilton.

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Have you noticed how seldom we see the spouses or partners of politicians in this country, even in the run-up to an election? In the United States, and to a lesser extent Britain, spouses and partners are scrutinised as much as the candidates themselves. Yet here -- other than when trouble strikes -- they are seldom seen. John Tamihere trotted out the wife and kids when he was floundering. And Don Brash mentioned his Singaporean wife for a while until wiser heads told him to pull his in, she was hardly a vote-winner.

Here we keep a respectful distance from the families of politicians and that’s probably a good thing. There may well be a Mrs Mallard -- long-suffering creature she would be too -- but we don’t really care. I mention this because I saw Mrs Brash in a shoe shop the other day, and I’m sure it was Helen Clark’s other . . . well, not half but maybe 12 per cent . . . I saw at the airport. They both looked like nice people. Joan Bolger was.

****

And further to that confusion mentioned a few weeks ago. We grew up pronouncing the name of that country Niger (to rhyme with “jam jar”, sort of) but now all over radio and television it is being pronounced to rhyme with “bad hair”. I’m still not sure which is correct but after I came back from the United States many people asked me about the correct pronunciation of the state called Arkansas. It looks like it should be “R-can-sis” but in fact it is “R-can-saw“.

*Lawyers acting for the angry or those with hurt feelings are advised to first look at the disclaimer on Alternative Nation*5 before making time consuming and expensive phone calls.

Police and emergency services were stretched to breaking point over the weekend after a series of incidents involving aspiring political candidates and some sitting Members of Parliament.

Assistant Superintendent Bill Hearst said last night that in a 48-hour period from Friday night units in Auckland, Wellington and on a long strip of empty road in the South Island were called to over a dozen incidents, none of which resulted in arrests but were a drain on precious resources.

In the most high profile incident Wellington Central MP Marian Hobbs was escorted from a central city bar after a night of revelry in which police were called.

“It seemed to be a response to the recent Mark Blumsky incident,“ said senior sergeant Gary Banner, “You’ll remember he staggered home to the missus after a night on the turps and fell down the stairs at his home. Or was pushed, that’s not for us to say.

"But the next day rather than call a doctor he informed the media, which just showed the astute political instincts and low cunning of the man.”

It appears that Ms Hobbs may have felt that Blumsky -- who is standing for National against her in the electorate -- had won a populist victory so wanted to prove she was a person of the people as well.

It is believed that at 10pm on Saturday night she and a gaggle of screeching fellow revellers arrived at the Cavalier Bar in Cuba Mall and began ordering Manhattans with Tui chasers which one of the party was overheard to describe as “being just the right mix of sophistication and what ordinary little people drink“.

After an hour things got out of hand when Ms Hobbs -- a former school principal -- began objecting to the way some of the patrons were dressed.

“She started insisting some people go home and change,” said bar manager Helen Preston. “She told me that some of these young people were a disgrace to the city and demanded they change, then they could come back when dressed in more appropriate attire.

“In a couple of instances she told some young women that she wanted to see a note from their parents to say they were over 18 and allowed to be out after midnight.

“As a bid for the peoples’ vote it was pretty ineffective.”

Heated words were exchanged when barman Todd Kjewlekuski refused service to the politician’s group and as police were leading her away Ms Hobbs demanded to see him at her office first thing in the morning.

“It was a minor incident,” said Senior Sergent Dave Briggs, “ and there were no arrests. The ladies, at least I think they were all ladies, had just been out bar-hopping as people do on a Saturday night and things got a bit silly. We gave them a warning and Ruth Dyson drove them all home.”

In another incident in the capital two Destiny NZ candidates were detained for questioning after they were seen acting in a suspicious manner near a mosque, and a Green Party candidate is expected to face serious questioning by his party after he and a group of friends were seen emerging from a Burger King.

When confronted angry words were exchanged and the police were called to separate the groups.

In Auckland New Zealand First MP Dail Jones was cautioned after doing wheelies and donuts in a West Auckland carpark in what his office described yesterday as “a slightly misguided attempt to woo the youth vote”.

The South Island was largely quiet -- Jim Anderton enjoyed a quiet night in and had pasta for dinner -- except for a speeding incident on the road between Waimate and Christchurch.

Cabinet minister Jim Sutton -- known as Mad Dog to his colleagues -- was pulled over after speeds exceeding 150 kph.

“Mr Sutton explained that he was just re-enacting an earlier incident,” said district area commander Barry Fleck, “ and the officers accepted that. In fact they escorted him the final 50 kilometres at a similar speed and one of them told me later it was pretty choice fun.

“They said they were smiling and appeared to enjoy the ride, and one of them said the road was so straight that Mr Sutton in the following car appeared to be doing some paperwork while driving. So it was no biggie, just a bit of youthful enthusiasm on the part of everyone concerned.

"You know, the boys see an open road and just go for it.”

In a more bizarre incident however, yesterday afternoon an aborted text-mobbing prank went sour for four members of United Future.

The two men and two women candidates decided to surprise party leader Peter Dunne while he was enjoying a family lunch at Valentines. Their intention was to create a media event by having thousands turn up at the restaurant to gain some publicity for their leader who is trailing in the polls.

However the four either did not know anyone else to text or simply forgot to do so, and at the appointed time only the four of them turned up, plus a number of photographers from various newspapers who had been tipped off.

Sensing a public relations disaster the four barricaded the door of the restaurant which meant two children’s birthday parties and the 35th wedding anniversary of Gladys and Charlie Watson were disrupted.

While the media snapped photos and an embarrassed Dunne remained hiding inside the "restaurant" the four were lead away by police.

“It was just a bit of silliness that got out of hand,” said District Sergent Shirley Manson. “Some of these politicians are not that bright and at this time of year will do anything for publicity. This was one of those occasions -- much like the others you have seen this weekend.

"Unfortunately I think we can expect more of such antics in the coming weeks so people might want to give politicians a wide berth if they see them out and about in shopping malls, or shaking hands on the street. You never know what they can do.

“These four however were pretty harmless and I’m sure that today they are feeling embarrassed. At the end they had a sense of humour about it: as they were being loaded into the wagon and they linked arms and started chanting, ‘We are The Dunne Four‘ -- and I expect they are right.

"Them -- and their shit-useless party with any luck.”

* Lawyers acting for the angry or those with hurt feelings are advised to first look at the disclaimer on Alternative Nation*5 before making time-consuming and expensive phone calls.

Here follows a transcript of the recent interview between Linda Clark and the Chairman of the Grievance Industry Council, Mr Rangi Paterson.

Clark: Good morning and welcome, and . . . I mean, one of the things we want to talk about is Labour’s intention to settle all land claims by 2020 and . . .
Paterson: And good luck to them.

Clark: You don’t think that’s possible. I mean, is it not possible?
Paterson: Oh it’s possible, but some would say lighting a match on jelly is possible. Look, we have a series of obstacles here that will need to be addressed which no one is talking about at the moment.

Clark: Such as? I mean, like what?
Paterson: Well that’s not for Maori to say, that’s for others to come to us and find out.

Clark: But I am asking you now, I want to find out.
Paterson: Then you’ll have to ask.

Clark: Well, I mean, I am asking. What are these problems?
Paterson: Now, I can’t speak on behalf of anyone other than our committee so that’s a question best addressed to others.

Clark: Well, I mean, what can you say on behalf of your committee?
Paterson: Well, that this is a matter which needs long and deep discussion, and that it cannot be hurried along just because some politicians want to put a deadline on things. It doesn’t work like that.

Clark: Then how does it work?
Paterson: To be honest, it doesn’t.

Clark: Pardon? You mean this is impossible? I mean, it isn’t possible to solve these claims at all?
Paterson: I’m not sure I’m saying that, I am just saying that the systems we have in place might not be the best ones to resolve it.

Clark: Then, I mean, are there better systems? What would you suggest? What better systems would you suggest. I mean . . .
Paterson: Look. I am the Chairman of the Grievance Industry Councfil and we are a big and diverse organisation. We have gravy trains and committees to consider.

Clark: Well . . .. right and . . . I mean, is there any way . . . ?
Paterson: The thing is that no consensus will be reached unless until everyone agrees on which direction the waka is headed.

Clark: Well, I mean, doesn’t everyone want these claims settled sooner rather than later?
Paterson: Not everyone.

Clark: You mean the fringe groups and activists are using this process for their own agendas?
Paterson: Probably, but there is a bigger stumbling block.

Clark: And that, I mean, is that . . .?
Paterson: What Pakeha don’t understand -- and I am part Pakeha myself so there’s half of me which doesn’t get it either -- is that we are dealing with complex interrelationships between hapu and iwi, historical injustices and settlements involving many millions of dollars. And of course pigs’ backs and . . .

Clark: Pigs’ backs?
Paterson: Yes, the place were lawyers live. In Maoridom we have a saying, “Te kanawa, te awamutu, rongotai e whenuapai te hokianga.”

Clark: Which means?
Paterson: A pig can roll in shit many times but a lawyer will still hang on and come up smiling.

Clark: So is this about lawyers? I mean, is it in lawyers best interests that these claims drag on for years? That seems highly unlikely.
Paterson: I wouldn’t want to be drawn on that one but you and I know who is doing well out of the process, and it sure isn’t Maori. Political parties are just revving up people right now to get some traction. You know that, I know that and they know that. Maori genuinely want this to be settled so we can get on with our lives and make some serious investments and so on to get us off welfare and get better education for our kids. We are not dragging things out because it's not in our interest to do so, but if it is going to be dragged out then we must get organised.

Clark: Which is why your group formed? I mean, your committee is . . .
Paterson: Exactly. For years we heard that there was this train full of gravy running around the country and people were hopping on board. But we engaged a team of Queen St lawyers 18 months ago and they have been looking for it and haven’t been able to locate it. But they are still looking. And this is a costly process so we need a significant cash injection from the government to carry on our investigation. And as far as our Grievance Industry Council is concerned we are just here to represent our people and seek finality, once and for all. If not now then later, or maybe some time after that.

Clark: So nothing you have heard from any of the parties in this election sounds viable to you. I mean, is there anything that you have heard from any of the parties in this election that sounds viable to you?
Paterson: In Maoridom we have a saying, “Kakapo he tui te kiwi e mutton bird”

Clark: I know this one, it means “If you cast a single line you will catch a single fish but if you throw out a net you will get a big feed”.
Paterson: That’s correct.

Clark: But, I mean, how does that relate to what we are talking about?
Paterson: Exactly. And that’s the kind of understanding we are hoping to achieve by continuing the dialogue.

*Alternative Nation is an on-going satirical column and as such any resemblance between people living, dead or in-between (such as Act and Destiny candidates) is entirely deliberate. Many reading Alternative Nation have taken it seriously. They believe politicians could actually say and do things like those reported in Alternative Nation. That must scare you. It sure as hell scares me.

Assistant Commissioner of Police Bryan Duckworth confirmed yesterday that police are investigating the disappearance of a number of politicians and candidates in the run-up to the election on September 17.

Early enquires have failed to locate various members of the Act and United Future parties, and a significant number of formerly high profile National parliamentarians have also not been heard from in some weeks.

“There are increasingly grave fears with regard to the whereabouts of Gerry Brownlee, for example,” Duckworth told a media conference in the upstairs bar of the Shakespeare Tavern in Auckland yesterday.

“We are becoming concerned because he is the deputy leader of the National Party which means there is the possibility, remote I grant you, that after the election he could be deputy prime minister -- and therefore just a heartbeat away from the top job.

“That alone is cause for great concern, if you know what I mean.

“It appears that either he has chosen to go to ground for a while, or someone in the party hierarchy is hiding him until after the election for reasons which are perhaps obvious to many. We are following some positive leads at present but we are appealing to the public for any sightings.

“The same applies to a number of Act candidates. Rodney Hide has remained visible, although fading and almost ready to disappear, but others seem to have just vanished completely. And we’ve noticed that Cullen fellow seems to have fallen below the radar too. We might look into that case if anyone reports that they want to hear from him.”

Duckworth said that such disappearances were more common after an election than before, but this year there had been some unusual circumstances.

“With the attention on leaders like Clark, Brash, Peters and the sideshows from the Greens and the Maori Party it was perhaps inevitable that the foot soldiers -- like that lovely but invisible Barbara Stewart of New Zealand First -- would be ignored.

“You have to be realistic in these matters however. Consider those clowns from United Future for example. You rarely heard from any of them anyway even when the House was sitting. I mean, can you name two of them other than the bloke who leads the party, Peter someone?”

Duckworth said that while a number of uniformed and plain clothes officers had been assigned to locate the missing few dozen candidates the police would not, as yet, be committing substantial manpower to the operation.

“We are pretty stretched in trying to meet our revenue gathering role on the roads, which is our core business, and matter like missing politicians probably come somewhere after burglaries and graffiti offences in our list of priorities.

“I should point out that our role will be to find these people, and I must add strongly here that despite some very heartfelt requests from a number of citizens the police cannot, and will not, assist in making other candidates disappear.

"So despite some fairly impassioned pleas from high up in the Labour team I have to tell you we will still be hearing from Trevor Mallard.

“But as time goes on if we don’t hear from people like Judith Tizard -- who is usually pretty keen to have her name out there -- or that other bloke in Jim Anderton’s party then we might have to start taking the matter more seriously.

“But at this point there seems little public will that we locate National’s Lindsay Tisch or Paul Hutchison. Most people have never heard of them anyway.

“And of course we will certainly not be allocating staff to find anyone from that Destiny Church mob. We suspect they actually don’t want to be found so that after the election they can claim martyrdom, which is pretty big in that world of religious cults I am told.

“But our prime concern at the moment is Gerry Brownlee, although if anyone does see him we would warn that he not be approached.

“We’re not saying he is violent, but we have reason to believe members of the public should be cautious, especially if he is cornered.”

*Alternative Nation is an on-going satirical column and as such any resemblance between people living, dead or in-between (such as Act and Destiny candidates) is entirely deliberate. Many reading Alternative Nation have taken it seriously. They believe politicians could actually say and do things like those reported in Alternative Nation. That must scare you. It sure as hell scares me.