Random Play by Graham Reid

A list of bureaucrats whose jobs will be axed after the election if National gains a working majority will be published in major newspapers this weekend.

The list contains the names of 3725 state sector employees National says can be removed from their jobs without any effect on their departments’ productivity.

A leaked copy of the list shows it to be comprehensive and specific. It runs alphabetically from Anthony A Aardvark, a 43-year old treasury employee with three children living at 27 Robertson-Pierce Rd in Kilburnie to Zoe Zemestik, a single, 27-year old social worker caring for intellectually handicapped children of 98A Ardmore Terrace Drive, Ponsonby.

The release of the list has been as a result of criticism about the lack of specifics in National’s policy platform of cutting wasteful bureaucracy.

Last night Dr Brash, addressing a rally of 15 party members and 27 journalists at an invitation-only function in Parnell said he was surprised that the list had caused such controversy.

“People have asked us repeatedly for specifics in our policies,” he told his audience, “and now they complain. I am baffled as to what people in this country want sometimes.”

Controversy over the list has been compounded by a statement from the party’s deputy leader Gerry Brownlee.

“I am not going to suggest for one minute that decent, law-abiding, hardworking mainstream Kiwis go round to the houses of these folk and demand to know what it is they do all day, “said Mr Brownlee yesterday.

“All we are saying is that the salaries of any of one these people could pay for two hip operations, keep a day care centre open for a week, and give us the money for a pay rise for nurses.

“Now if people don’t want those things and prefer to keep on lazy pen-pushers then that’s fine. We are just saying that cutting out the bureaucratic fat will allow for these essential services to happen.”

Winston Peters said a cursory glance at the list did nothing to convince him that the National Party were genuinely trying to root out “dead wood”.

“Any serious list would also have taken into account all the Hassams and Ching-Chongs and foreign gollywogs who have been let into this country and are taking the jobs of decent, hardworking, retired senior citizens,” he said.

Speaking to a rally of pensioners and two dogs in the Kakamoana Masonic Hall last night Mr Peters also took a swipe at Catholic fundamentalists “whose way of life of alien to this beautiful and tolerant country“.

“These people -- and even though I don’t understand Latin I can guess what they are saying -- are harbouring extremists in much the same way as the mythical Wooden Horse of Troy harboured Brad Pitt, or was it that other guy who was in Lord of the Rings?”

Dr Bishop Sir Brian Tamaki -- whose church opened its own university in a former state house in Ellerslie this week and awarded him an honorary doctorate in theology and corporate affairs -- said the Destiny New Zealand party would not be drawn into politics.

“All we want is to run this country and bring it back to God. These petty matters like lists are just diversions. If you want to see lists, we’ve got lists. Really long lists. And not just of bureaucrats either. We‘ve got lists of homosexuals and atheists, ballet dancers and Jews, and a really long one of all those bastards in the Serious Fraud Office. Mate, we’ve got lists.”

Maori Party co-leader Tariana Turia said she thought the list fair, with the exception of the 1286 people on it who had strong iwi affiliations.

“I know all these people personally and they are all, every single one of them, doing an excellent job within a Pakeha-dominated system which is unsympathetic to their needs as Maori. I will do everything I can to see that they are kept on.

“The rest of them on that list are just bureaucrats standing in the way of tino rangatiratanga so I have little sympathy for them. Once they are kicked out then we can start replacing them with our own people and make some real progress.”

Interim leader of the Act Party Rodney Hide said he had seen the list and while he felt there were at least 274 more names which could be added he was slightly relieved to see neither his name nor the post-election position he had applied for were on it.

“We will be getting Rodney by other means,” said a smirking spokesman for National at a cocktail function in a downtown Auckland hotel last night.

In a sudden deluge of policy announcements Dr Brash also said yesterday that on Monday -- or maybe Tuesday, he’d have to check -- National will release details of its education policy. It will include where the new co-educational schools will be built, who will be allowed to attend them, and what teachers with Labour inclinations would “no way in a fit” be permitted to work in them.

In a move described by political commentators as either tactically brilliant or political suicide the prime minister this week announced a new approach from Labour in the forthcoming election.

Stung by surveys which showed public resentment over controversies which had been skirted over lightly or simply ignored, the prime minister announced “a slow down and consider approach” to important issues from now on. And maybe even after the election.

“In the past we have been mindful of the damage certain incidents could do to the party and so have put things behind us and moved on. But negative research shows declining support which could cost us our jobs. So we -- that is, I -- have decided to take a more measured approach.

“When certain issues come up which affect party members -- driving while drunk, lying to Parliament and other such minor indiscretions -- we will air the issues fully and freely before burying them.

“It is time to adopt a slow down and consider approach.”

The prime minister would not be drawn on what exactly this approach would entail and indicated she was far too busy to answer further questions, however political commentators have noted this unexpected new direction has the potential to derail other parties.

“No politician worth their pension and free air travel could argue that taking time to consider issues is a bad thing,” says Professor John McRoberts, senior lecturer in polling and phrenology at Taharoto Polytech and/or University. “Except one, perhaps.”

While most parties remained mute over Labour’s change of direction the leader of New Zealand First waded in to the Labour Party at a rally in Te Hana last night.

“This smacks of something we’ve heard before from this intellectually bankrupt Labour Party,” he said to the bewildered pensioners whose Housie evening he had interrupted. “This is just another version of ‘a cup of tea and a lie down’ that David Lange promised you.

“And I ask you now, how many here tonight ever remember getting that cup of tea? Let alone the chance to lie down?

“Today it will be chai lattes on Ponsonby Rd for Helen Clark’s ivory tower academics, or more likely that insufferable green tea so popular among immigrants, overstayers and surgeons in the so-called Asian communities.

“You can bet big city people are having their tea -- and probably a biscuit -- while decent hardworking New Zealanders are going home to their state houses just hoping their pensions will arrive.

“This is what the Labour Party has brought us to. Dependency on the state brought about by waves of migrants causing traffic problems in Auckland and denying hip operations to decent hardworking New Zealanders, whether they need them or not,” said Mr Peters to loud applause before sweeping off in his motorcade to an outdoor rally in the Warkworth Motorcamp.

The prime minister could not be contacted last night for a response, but a thick-set spokeswoman wearing brown trousers said Ms Clark would probably reply in due course, “and in a measured manner“.

“But more likely she will wait until the public loses interest and moves on.”

The date for the election came as no surprise to a Sydney-based stylist and his partner.

Sergio Turner and partner David Jackson said yesterday that when they were engaged to do a make-over on the prime minister for her interview in the Australian Women’s Weekly a month or so ago she twice mentioned September 17 as “her special day”.

“To be honest we had no idea who she was,” said Turner of Sergio&Jacko. “Mr David thought she was some country school headmistress and that the senior girls had chipped in to give her an extreme make-over for the school ball.

“She was obviously excited about whatever was going to happen on that day and got quite giggly. I just thought she was unused to the champagne, being from the country.

“To be honest though, neither Mr David nor myself take much interest in what clients say, so we actually forgot just what day she kept being girly about. But of course, we remember it now.”

Turner also said that while trying to make Clark “look 10 times nicer in 10 minutes” in the makeover challenge she mentioned possible partners on that date.

“This surprised us, she certainly didn’t come across as the flirty type. Mr David was quite overcome and had to go outside for air when he heard her talk about how strong and vigorous her selection process would be.

“Otherwise it was a fun day for all us girls. When she left she looked just fabulous, nothing like herself at all.”

The lack of a confirmed election date until now had meant political parties and their sleazy advertising managers could not plan a coherent, believable or marketable sales pitch for their parties' campaigns.

“We were in a phoney campaign,” said National leader Don Brash. “We look forward to getting past what I call, and excuse my language, the poppycock. Or should I say, the balderdash. Now the real campaigning can begin.

“Bring it up, as the young people say.”

Maori Party leader Tariana Turia said until she had hard evidence of the date other than simply an announcement by the prime minister she preferred not to comment.

“We have learned media reports can be inaccurate and exaggerated,“ she said. “So we need something concrete before we can arrange a series of hikoi, hui, and hangi.”

New Zealand First leader Winston Peters was angered at the way the announcement was made.

“I am outraged I had to hear of this like everyone else, through the media. That is typical Labour Party arrogance. Given that I may, or may not, be prepared to work in some self-serving coalition with these people I would have thought I could have expected some special consideration.

“But that’s Labour for you. Special treatment for no one, but their ivory tower latte-sipping friends.”

The interim leader of the Act Party, Mr Rodney Hide said he was pleased a date had been announced so he could get on with making what he called “other plans”.

Other parties -- United Future, that one with Jim Anderton whose name no one knows, the political wing of Destiny Church and a few other non-entities -- couldn’t be contacted for comment.

Although in truth journalists couldn’t be bothered seeking them out because they are always full of predictable bullshit and platitudes, and are nowhere near as important as they think they are.

Yesterday, just hours before the bombs went off, I was booking our flights to London. Is that ironic? Well, only if you are Alanis Morissette. It was just coincidence actually, although not a very happy one.

Nothing that has happened -- horrific though it is -- could persuade me to change my plans. I have two sons living in that marvellous city, and our trip is in part to see them, some of it is a working holiday, and mostly it is just the start and end point for a trot through Europe for a few weeks.

That is going to be a lot of fun, and I can’t wait. And these events have not changed my thinking.

You can’t plan around a worst-case scenario, or anticipate the unexpected.

Terrorism by its very definition, catches you by surprise.

On the first anniversary of September 11 I flew from Chicago to New York. I was one of four people on the plane. I was astonished that Americans wouldn’t fly on that day -- Chicago’s O’Hare, one of the busiest airports in the world, was deserted -- but many seemed to think that Al-Qaeda, or whoever, would work to a timetable they could understand.

Terrorists don’t act in that way.

Which is why you cannot live your life to their murderous agenda. We are obliged to live to our own. If our paths cross -- and statistically it is highly unlikely -- then so be it. It won’t be Fate, probably just bad bloody luck.

Like most people, I have had some near-miss brushes with death: one day I stopped in a small Scottish town and bought some fish’n’chips for the kids before we drove on to Edinburgh. Some hours later a PanAm plane was blasted out of the sky and landed on that same town, Lockerbie.

On that same trip a guy was stabbed by a madman in a London station who just lashed out at random. I had been there minutes before. The last time I was in New York much the same happened, some whacko shot a woman in the subway just one stop beyond where I was getting on.

But I read nothing into these, and other similar, events. I don’t think my life was spared for any greater purpose, or that the victims in those situations were anything other than very unfortunate to have been in that place at that time.

That is why it was very hard for me to entertain the American idea that the people in the Twin Towers or the Pentagon were “heroes”.

They weren’t. They were just victims.

The same with these recent attacks. Wouldn’t you be surprised if the English media started conferring “hero” status on the dead and wounded? I think they'll rightly reserve that for those who acted selflessly in an attempt to save others.

The tragedy of these events however is compounded by where they happened.

As at Madrid’s busy Atocha station -- where I was just a few weeks before those bombs went off -- these people were going about the most mundane activity we can imagine, they were just going to work. They were doing something we can all understand, the dreariness of being in a railway carriage on just another morning. And then death arrives. At random.

That is why we cannot plan for these moments, try to negotiate our way around them in advance, or even expect that preparations will be of much use at all.

Terrorists study security precautions and it is the nature of their dark art that they weave their killing past them.

There is little we can do other than observe the commonly agreed upon protocols: watch for unattended bags, report suspicious activity and so forth.

That does not mean we are helpless in the face of terrorism. Quite the opposite.

We actually hold the power. By not changing our plans, by going about our daily lives with good will, humour and concern for our fellow citizens we defeat their shadowy purposes.

So no, I won’t be changing my travel plans. I am looking forward to seeing London again, to catching up with my two sons.

I spoke to one of them a few minutes ago. He had been on his way to work when it started to happen. He was 15 minutes away from Kings Cross, his usual station and which was one of those targeted, when he was made aware the Tube wasn’t running.. He thought he’d take the bus, but then they all stopped.

He phoned his brother who was on a Tube elsewhere and had no idea what was going on. They are both fine.

He tells me it was a weird day: people would ring and ask if he was okay and when he said yes they’d say ’Sweet as’ and then they went to ring someone else.

There was no panic, he said, just people concerned about their friends. No one said to him how dreadful it all was (in other than the most general of ways) and no one suggested it was time to get out of London.

He did say he had seen some of the backlash starting already. He felt sorry for the Muslim families waiting at the bus stops who were shunned by the drivers, shutting doors in their faces.

I was reminded of a Muslim family I saw at O’Hare the morning I travelled. They were -- father, mother, two small children -- surrounded by security people, airline officials and two huge guys with semi-automatic rifles.

Those people -- more than the rest of us who just have to go about our daily business because we have no choice, or because we choose to in the face of terrorism -- are the ones who have, and will continue, to suffer the most for the sins of others. Others who might pretend to act in their name, or worse, in the name of their God.

That, I think, is ironic.

Despite the popularity of the recent Dancing With The Stars programme, television critics and social commentators are roundly condemning the new reality show by Christine Julian’s TakeDown productions, Marathon For The Mediocre.

Styled after the American dance marathon competitions of the Depression Era, the show is a cross between reality television, a dance show and Survivor. The couple which stays in its feet the longest wins the grand prize of $5,000.

Contestants are drawn from all walks of life, no professional dancers or celebrities are allowed, and all are carefully vetted by TakeDown for their public appeal: the first 200 are mostly the unemployed and pensioners who Julian says will have “high emotional acceptance, especially as the competition goes into its second and third weeks when some of the favourites will collapse through sheer exhaustion.

“By that time the viewing public will have chosen their favourites and they will be cheering them on as they sag, their feet swell and they start to look pretty bad.

"This is real reality television and the human drama of watching ordinary people suffer for a handful of dollars is going to be riveting viewing.

“It will also drag in advertisers, couples can be sponsored off to the highest bidder, and you can almost guarantee that some people will become extremely ill, possibly even die, during the course of the event.

“We learned our lesson with that very serious Lana Coc-Kroft incident, and that is something we definitely want to repeat. Ratings went through the roof for that one.”

Contestants must remain on their feet dancing for each of the three-hour sessions at the end of which is a 10 minute rest period. For the major meal of the day contestants are permitted to sit, but the four other meals in the 24-hour period must be taken while standing.

“This is like a Telethon for the tragic,” says media critic Jim Blazer, “and it is astonishing to think we have returned to the days when people, particularly the underprivileged, are trotted out for the amusement of the masses.

“At least gladiators in ancient Rome had some training, this is just an endurance course for people who are so desperate they will do anything for their mortgage money.”

However MC Jason Gunn says he thinks the fun element of the competition has been overlooked.

“No one is forcing people to come along here and dance until they faint and collapse, but inspired by Tim Shadbolt, Norm Hewitt and others on Dancing With The Stars, many people just want to get out and have some dancing fun, and maybe walk away -- or most likely crawl away -- with the grand prize.

“It’s just a bit of a laugh, and we have doctors on duty 24 hours a day to take care of those who collapse with exhaustion, heart attacks, that Meningococcal disease and so on.

"It’s just fun television, and I get to act and do some funny voices a little bit which is going to be good for my career.”

Dance marathons in the Thirties often ran for months as the impoverished and desperate saw an opportunity for stardom and wealth, however Julian says the Marathon For The Mediocre will not be allowed to drag on for so long.

“Absolutely not. We know the concentration span of the New Zealand public -- look at how quickly they forgot last year’s New Zealand Idol, and more recently the fabulous Dancing With The Stars phenomenon which was replaced by rugby fever.

“So we are going to speed up the elimination process by having regular sprints around the dancefloor during which some will inevitably collapse due to stress and fatigue, and we will also eliminate the last five couples. That is going to be must-watch television as they elbow and fight and claw their way to the front.

“It is our hope that by the end of the first month we will be down to the final couples, and then the pressure will be on for them to perform or pass out.”

After the controversy in the latter days of Dancing With The Stars about how much or little money various charities were getting out of the event Julian says she has sidestepped the issue completely.

“We’ve watched the Fight For Life people also struggle with this one and so we are taking out the whole public vote aspect. We can guarantee the public that not a single cent will be going to any charity at all, that all profits and proceeds from this very exciting show will be retained by TakeDown Productions which has worked very long hours to bring you the best in local television entertainment.

“And of course because this features ordinary New Zealanders doing extraordinary things, right up until they drop, it is entirely with the parameters of Charter television.

“It’s a win-win situation for all of us at TakeDown.”

*** Sydney Pollack’s 1969 movie They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? -- starring Jane Fonda, Gig Young, Red Buttons and Bruce Dern -- is available on midprice DVD. If you liked Dancing With The Stars it’s worth a look.