Club Politique by Che Tibby

Big Blue Planet

Well, it must be slow season here in the news, because there has been waaaay too much Whale coverage on TV of late. And it's starting to kind of get on my [nerves].

This is because, and I'm willing to put money on the fact that I'm well in the minority on this one, when 50-odd Pilot Whales turn up on a beach somewhere, you know what I think?


Seriously. I have this disturbing urge to eat a large marine mammal.

And why? Because I bet those suckers are really, really tasty. How could they not be, living on a diet of Omega-Three enriched fish? And probably barbequed. A salad of rocquette and chargrilled artichokes, with a nice vinaigrette. I'm guessing it's a meat much like Marlin or Tuna.

So sticking with my mission statement of only eating local produce and non-processed product, if flipper washes up out from of the bach? Then we're making casserole with the tough bits.

Of course, you can't really go advocating scaring the piss out of cetaceans with light explosives to encourage that transition from majestic wildlife to 'target-for-toothpick', but if accidents happen, then hey, let's make the most of it.

There's nothing like devouring a graceful, svelte animal to really reinforce your place at the top of the food chain.

I mean, cattle? They drool, they've constantly got snot hanging out their noses, they hose crap on you if you aren't nimble, and they frickin' stink. Sheep? They're the village idiot of the domestic market, they also stink, they can't take a dump without soiling themselves, and only exist because we farm them. Chickens? They are plucky, evil little bastards with beady eyes and nasty beaks. Take a close look at one, they're like the Osama Bin Ladens of the avian world.

But have you ever seen a Pilot Whale half-covered in it's own poo? I think not.

And god people love the damn things. Show the people footage of half a dozen of the creatures that were stupid enough to take on walk on dry land and you've got the nation in tears.

Me? "Whoa there flipper! No legs! Remember?"

Worse, you have some dodgy Japanese trying to butcher a few other types of cetacean and you have people making idiotic demands like boycotting Sealord.

People, if you took the time to stop and examine many of the products you consume on a daily basis you'd find pretty much every major company is poisoning, robbing, plundering, exploiting, murdering, lying, undermining and overstating its way to constant profitability. Many of the companies you buy things from without thinking are actively taking part in poisoning the entire world, not just turning a bit of blubber into yakitori.

Think about that next time you fuel up the 4x4.

However, we can't all be to blame for the world's woes. Certainly many of us aren't conscious enough about where our stuff comes from to make informed choices about what we do and don't buy. So we need people like Greenpeace to take an interest in those important things, publicise bad behaviour etc.

I haven't got a problem with greenies per say. I follow green principles like forgoing excessive consumption, conscious purchasing, producing minimal waste, taking the low-energy option, public transport, etc etc. But that said, some greenies are just so fucking sanctimonious.

And it's not all greenies. No, it's the one's who treat the rest of us like idiots because we haven't acquired the same self-referential 'cool' status they have. You know, the ones you get to ask, "nice leather shoes, where are they from? Oh, they aren't leather? Nice petrochemical shoes then."

Worse are the upper-middle class bandwagon-jumpers. The ones who buy toilet paper made from recycled material, but buy food or wines imported from the other side of the world. The ones who will probably buy a Prius to drive to work in, when they could just live within walking distance? You're still over-consuming people...

Ah well. Deep breath... Speaking of which, I saw at least three very large octopi whilst diving this past Sunday. Cute. Scarey, but cute. And also tasty. We let them live this time.

Good old Wellington. Must be the easy city to be green in I know.

So in that regard, let me recommend a few people you need to introduce yourself to.

If you need to now what's going on round town, then you need to meet two blogs. Wellingtonista, and Well Urban

Then, if you're into New Zealand made cinema, get along to the Film Archive. Last week we saw End of the Golden Weather for the wallet-shattering price of $8. This Wednesday is another classic, Sleeping Dogs.

And finally there's the baristas at Peoples Coffee. Damn these guys can talk a lot of crap about the old caffeine delivery vehicle. So much crema, it was like coffee porn. It's good enough to send Mr. Brown into a three blog epistle... ("ahem" he says, not wanting to bite the hand that feeds, nor our Auckland-based sponsors).