Field Theory by Hadyn Green

The last few times I've written about sport someone has complained that I haven't mentioned their favourite sport. What do you people want from me! I'm just one man!

Well, I do have a large number of sports feeds for the purpose of knowing all there is to know about sport (suggestions of new feeds are always welcome by the way), so here's my fisk of this mornings headlines.

The Singapore Grand Prix looked like something out of a Playstation. Filipe Massa had pole but blew his chances and Alonzo took the checkered flag.

I'm no fan of Alonzo, but I'm also no fan of Lewis Hamilton (mainly because he drives for McClaren – points off to the first person who calls McClaren a "kiwi team"). In fact I can't think of a F1 driver I actually have liked since Schumacher retired.

Sticking with speed: Haile Gebrselassie broke his own marathon world record on Sunday. He ran 2:03:59 in the Berlin Marathon (where he set the record last year). Maybe choosing to skip the Olympics paid off?

The Warriors lost to the Sea Eagles (the most retro of league teams narrowly pipping the Raiders). But they were not blanked unlike the Sharks. This means, by my calculation, the the Warriors are the third best team in the NRL. And we should all be stoked about that. Well everyone except Chris Rattue, shit he's a gloomy bugger.

The two best teams have made the NRL Grand Final and the pesky upstarts have been sent home. It should be a good game and I'm picking the Eagles to take it.

Quickly to the rugby where there were a few close, last minute victory/defeat/draw games: BoP 24 Southland 22; Taranaki 13 Counties-Manukau 13; Harbour 22, Auckland 29. But the most tense of these (though I suppose that has a lot to do with what team you support) was Wellington vs Tasman.

The Makos came in to town and were leading for a loooong time. I can imagine that various folk were feeling quite uncomfortable. But the shield is now safe and sound in Wellington until next season. Then, who knows…

And speaking of Tasman it looks like they (and Northland) get another bite at the sweet, sweet cherry that is the Air New Zealand Cup. Richard Loe isn't happy about it though and he wants the head of Steve Tew. I assume he's talking figuratively.

There is a strange dichotomy here in that many feel that there needs to be a change in the Air NZ Cup but nobody wants to alter anything. For example Northland should be dropped due to poor form but should also be kept in because they have so much history in the game. New Zealand's first ever rugby match was played in Nelson but you don't hear people using that to defend Tasman. I am in favour of dropping two teams and then having a promotion-relegation match each year (we've discussed this before). I'm not really in favour of changing anything else (except maybe revenue sharing and a few of the uniforms).

The Canterbury Union would like to change the play-off system to be more like the McIntyre system in the NRL. They feel they've been hard done by after locking up the second spot and only receiving a home game for their troubles. It's hard to write this as I struggle through the tears I'm shedding for the Canterbury rugby union.

Just as an aside I saw a few Tasman supporters downtown on the weekend. Those new uniforms are really ugly. The patches aren't even sewn on; they are just printed onto the strange synthetic fabric. Ick! And sticking with my aside: Waikato don't seem to have Canterbury-made uniforms and still have a proper collar. Well done Waikato.

The Major League Baseball is getting to the crunch time (after hundreds of games, why does it always come down to the final week?). My Mets are now tied in the wild-card race for the National League with the Milwaukee Brewers (a team smart enough to name itself after beer) after the stupid Phillies won the division. Now I need the Chicago Cubs to beat the Brewers, which suddenly makes me a Cubs fan. Don't you love it when that happens?

I don't follow football (soccer). I find the Premiership to be dull and the Champion's League only just bearable. However, Hull beating Arsenal 2-1 is sweet. Arsène Wenger saying after the match that Arsenal "gave too much room to West Brom" is even sweeter.

And finally: the secret life of a water pistol assassin. I remember playing this at uni, I also remember being "taken out" as I left the cafeteria. This guy, however, takes it really seriously:

[Mr Deane] shaved the beard he wore for the picture his pursuer is carrying. He is considering borrowing a wheelchair to use as part of a disguise. By Friday evening, he had logged four kills; he was one of 16 players left. "I've been walking around like a crazy person," he said, "wondering when they're going to get me." His wife, who works promoting nightclubs, is very patient about the whole thing.

It's Friday and I'm starting a new tradition (heck the NZRU seem to be doing it why can't I?). Friday is going to be "Sports and…" day. So I'm starting today with Sports and fashion. Or to be more specific uniforms.

I am a big fan of uniforms. I love pouring over the little details and intricacies of the uniforms. I love throwbacks. I love seeing how new designers reinvent classic colour schemes. But most of all I love bitching and moaning when a uniform design sucks.

As such the Uni-Watch blog (and its associated ESPN column) is like mana from heaven. Strangely Paul Lukas, who writes Uni Watch, is very much against all black uniforms, making him no fan of our favourite team.

Friday is also "team day". It's the day you can wander into work wearing your sports affiliation proudly and expect to get absolutely no stick from anyone.

As I write this I'm wearing one of my three New York Mets t-shirts. This one is in royal blue with the classic Mets orange script (with black drop-shadow) and has "Santana" in radial arching across the back with "57" beneath. Every one of those aspects is important.

If the text wasn't radially arched it would be incorrect. If the text didn't have the drop-shadow it would be incorrect (though technically the shadow is a recent addition). Correctness is something that uniform purists (or perhaps pedants or even pendants) need to have.

Canterbury (the clothing brand not the province) has been very influential recently in creating some of the worst uniforms ever. Chief among these has been the invention of the Walla-bra. The Walla-bra is the section of "sticky" material that runs across the chest of the Wallabies uniform.

All international uniforms made by Canterbury seem to have this now and it is incredibly ugly. How ugly is it? It makes Bryan Habana look even more ridiculous.

The latest victim has been our own Dan Carter. His new team Perpignan have two strips with the Walla-bra: powder blue (good) and yellow and orange (bad).

Speaking of Canterbury, the Air New Zealand Cup has seen a lot of team with brand new Canterbury uniforms. And most of them are awful. However I do really like Auckland. They have a new strip with thinner stripes that give them more of a sailor/prisoner/Frenchman look.

Other teams have lost something. Wellington has lost their 8-ball on the collar because, well, there are no more collars. The big O of Otago has shrunk.

Actually I'm kind of annoyed at the boringness of the Canterbury uniforms. They look all "futuristic" I suppose, but they all look the same. The uniforms are too uniform. For example the Perpignan uniform is exactly the same as all of the ANZ Cup uni but in a garish yellow and orange. Boo Canterbury, booo!

Of the non-Canterbury international uniforms I am a big fan of the Samoan strip. They have traditional "tattoos" drawn onto the sleeves and lower back; the blue and white make for a good combo; and how can you hate those socks? Now if they can just change that font.

Overall though, you can't go past old uniforms (throwbacks) for class.

Despite the disputed date of the photo look at the clean lines of these uniforms. Note that there are no patches, no logos, no advertising clutter. The traditional square for the uni-number always seemed strange to me but it works better when the uniforms are clean of the other distractions. For the French team, notice that they have no crest on their chest, those are only worn in international tests. Also they have tri-colour socks (compare to this shot where the tri-colour is in stripes at the top).

And of course it's nothing like what the two teams wear now.

I bashed the long-sleeved gold uniforms of the Australians a while ago and I stand by that. It's clear the forwards didn't like the long sleeves as they had rolled them up. And the shirts were the same colour as the ball! Surely that's cheating. Actually in this shot you can see that the ball even has "Wallaby" written on it, how was that fair?

The worst uniforms in New Zealand sport are usually worn by our cricketers though. We love the retro-ness of the beige and even the weird grey, blue, red and green thing. But quite frankly there have been some hideous things worn on the cricket pitch, and usually by the Australians. Speaking of cricket uniforms, luckily they don't need to be fire-proof, yet.

Whenever we give away a prize pack on the Dropkicks it contains (amongst other things) a rugby almanac or programme from the "olden days". What I love most about giving these away is that when I'm in the second hand bookshop I can pick up a wee treat for myself.

The first time it was the Rothman's Pall Mall Rugby Almanac of the 1965 tour by the Springboks. Yes, that kind of Pall Mall. Here's the centre page.

I also purchased the 1968 French tour almanac for my French friend. It contains a picture of Dave Gallaher looking hard as fucking nails.

My 1979 almanac features a photo that caused a lot of uniform discussion.

Then I bought the best one yet. It wasn't as interesting or of great a historical significance but the Official TVNZ Television and Radio Guide for Rugby Union in 1984 is fantastic.

Check out the photos, there's something for everyone: the Ranfurly Shield; the Aussies still wearing those awful Adidas uniforms; 80's Computer ads; great t-shirts; and of course heaps of rugby memories. Well, sort of.

My French friend asked "Did you go to any of those games?" And I had to admit (as I do to you all now), that I didn't. I don't even remember watching that much rugby on TV when I was a kid. In fact the only sport I think I watched on TV was American Football which I followed because I was once given a jersey that said 49ers

In some ways it's a good thing. Over at Sportsfreak they weren't feeling confident going into the Ranfurly Shield game, because of the horrors of the past.

The Warriors ignored the "no eighth seed has ever beaten the first seed" and the "it's been a long long time since anyone beat the Storm at home" talk and now they're in the semifinals of the NRL. (Way to go boys, that penalty try was ballsack and a stunning second half).

The Silver Ferns put their loss in the past and came back to beat the Aussies (are they called the Diamonds now?)

I thought I'd have a look back over the Silver Ferns record against the Australians. Going back to 2005 (the furthest back I could find results, if anyone knows where I can get more please point me to it) New Zealand has scored 481 points and Australia has scored 488. The difference is seven points! The average margin of victory is six points. So when we lose, as long as it's not by seven points or more, we shouldn't be worried (but wins by seven points or more are fantastic!)

[Sorry for the long drinks between posts, turns out I had/have bronchitis. How darling!]

I am sick today. Here I sit at home, in my hoody, under blankets and suffering from a god-awful fever. I am sweaty and gross and in pain. The only, and I stress this, only, good thing about the whole situation is that I can sit and watch the Philadelphia Eagles play the Dallas Cowboys.

So while I'm stuck here I thought I'd give you: Hadyn's Guide to Watching Sport.

First of all you need to be comfortable. At home I would recommend a couch and the horizontal position. While in a pub with friends maintaining verticality means you'll be far less likely to be thrown out.

Then you'll need some sustenance. Here was my regime while watching football in the Hawaii (it's Japanese beer but that's the best they had at the supermarket). Basically you want to be Homer Simpson with the various snacks laid out around you like a buffet within arm's reach.

Rules of the game. What you don't want to be doing, and this really only applies if you're watching with friends, is yell out something like "Offside Ref!" Only to have your friend say "Nah the ball hadn't been inside the 30m line for the last five seconds so that means all of the players in odd numbered jerseys are onside." How embarrassing. I suggest either having a quick run down of various sports sites for some quick facts that you can just rattle off. "Did you know that this team has scored more points in the second half than any other team in the month of July since 1973?" Even if you make it up, how are they gonna know?

Cheering. Everyone has their own style when it comes to cheering the team. My technique is mainly to just be loud with coherent as a secondary concern. What I find to be a lot of fun is making up swear words.

Creating new swears is easy and fun! Take any two words and put them together and, ouila, a new swear word. For example: "you meatsock!" What you want to do is pick words with not many syllables, it makes them easier to shout but also anything too long can sounds like a folksy saying. For example: "you Minnesota-doorhandle!"

Here's a tip: add a real swear to add that little extra "oomph". For example: "you fucking woolcup fucker!"

The best heckle at a sports event I ever heard was yelled at an "evil" Greek wrestler in a match against a couple of good ol' Kiwi boys: "How ironic, that xenophobia has a Greek etymology!"

Combine all of these with a liberal smattering of alcohol (not recommended for those with a fever) and you'll have a great time.

In no way do I intend for this to become a "rugby blog"; one of those false-masculine affairs where "blokes" talk about sportsmen to the point where you might think that perhaps you have accidentally accessed a slash-fiction site.

However, I cannot help but write about rugby for the third time in as many posts (if you wish, scroll down to where I write about league and the Paralympics near the bottom). The game played on Saturday night between the All Blacks and the Wallabies was, in my own words:

Fucking. Awesome.

Others have described the game, in no less colourful fashion, as: Epic; the sweetest triumph; a resurrection; magic; and, of course, classic.

Even Chris Rattue managed a nice word about the game:

Stirring. Nail biting. The All Blacks' victory on Saturday in one of the best football stadiums on the planet was as good as sport gets…

Of course this was after he wrote:

The stain of 2007 - the bizarre All Black World Cup campaign and the snubbing of Robbie Deans - will never go away… History is there to be studied, not revised by flinging around words such as "redemption". The only crumbs that can be offered to the revisionists is that the 2007 stain was given a light washing in Brisbane on Saturday night.

The 2007 stain? Oh for goodness sake man, let it go! I suggest Mr Rattue travel to Wellington next time for the Alternate Rugby Commentary which is where I watched the game with friends (though please don’t sit with us Chris).

The atmosphere before the game was, well, quite tense. Nearly everyone could tell that this was going to be close. I don’t know how many actually thought New Zealand would lose but there wasn’t any strutting confidence. The nervousness was not helped when Sione Lauaki was spotted training and there were people desperately hoping that there wasn’t some last minute injury that had included him in the team.

And then, Kapa O Pango. I have never seen a haka so loudly accepted by a pub since the first Kapa O Pango when people didn’t know what was going on.

And then Mils scored. There was cheering but it was happy and congratulatory, that would change.

Because, tragedy: a very good Ashley-Cooper try (followed by a very awkward group hug) and the Aussies were ahead 10-7. Then they were ahead 17-7. The pub was quieter than I have ever heard it.

Then Tony Woodcock went for a bit of a run and we all went a little bit crazy. Weepu scored off a nice bit of Sivivatu play and then Carter decided to just run around under the sticks. At this point there wasn’t cheering, there wasn’t yelling. At this point it was just sound. People were trying to make as much noise as they could, (drowning out the commentary they had all paid to listen to). Voices were incomprehensible, feet were stamping, and hands were clapping, slapping or clenched in order to make voices louder. It is hard to describe but it felt like if you could have shouted with the pores of your skin you would have.

Momentum was with the All Blacks and they weren’t relenting and neither was the crowd. Even a Ryan Cross try didn’t dissipate our energy and we were still at ear-bursting levels when:

The Men of Gold took the ball down to the All Blacks 22 with some excellent handling and committed charges but the move broke down when it seemed an All Blacks player had clearly charged in at the side of the ruck.

That’s the ARU take on it anyway (the "men of gold" are the Wallabies by the way).

The noise as the ball sailed out of bounds, while not as loud as it had been for the last two tries, was still quite considerable. After it had all calmed down I went to speak to my friend and found no sound coming out of my mouth, just a harsh rasp. And that is how I still am this morning, rather hoarse.

Quick notes:

• I don’t think any player on either team had a particularly bad game.
• Kaino is turning into a very good third of the loose trio.
• Adam Freier is a dirty cheat (there I said it).
• Putting real pressure on the distributors at the set-pieces seems to be a tactic that really works (i.e. Cowan on the rookie Brown at the scrum).
• The Aussie lineout is back to being decent.
• Kahui suffered a cut to the nose, a cause of some concern as we attempt to maintain a level of prettiness in the All Blacks.
• And Stephen Donald is from Waiuku, who knew? Not my ladyfriend who was taught history by his Dad.

If the All Black’s win wasn’t enough the Warriors managed to upset the Melbourne Storm in Melbourne. In short they achieved something that no other team has done: beat the number one seed as the number eight seed. Even if it was almost ballsed-up by a moment of madness by Michael Witt. Suddenly the Warriors are a hot ticket, while the Storm has to go through the repechage (in the bizarre finals system of the NRL). Moreover the Warriors get to play at home while the Storm have to play Brisbane in Suncorp.

Over to the Paralympics where strange happenings are afoot. The British and the Australians are, as always, not getting along. At the medal ceremony for the women’s discus Australian Amanda Fraser refused to congratulate her British opponent because of her eligibility status. The Brit was reassessed and had her medal stripped. But controversy didn’t end (or begin there). Prior to the non-handshake and dismissal there was chaos on the track where an incorrect lane assignment helped Brit David Weir snatch gold away from Aussie Kurt Fearnley in the men’s 800m wheelchair race.

Then in the pool New Zealander Sophie Pascoe broke the world 100m women’s backstroke record in the heats and then broke it again in the final where she came first equal with South Africa's Shireen Sapiro. Did you think what I did? How the heck was there a dead heat?

When Phelps and the Serb were too close to call the Omega people were able to give the time to 0.00001s. Are the Paralympics only measured in tenths of a second? Does this allow for more heart-warming stories and pictures like this? I think there’s a whole extra post in this.

Finally if you’re the type of person who likes participating in sport, smack-talk, drinking, and crazy rules then you might enjoy the Wellingtonista Bowling League. Best bring your A game (or at least your B+ game) because these cats throw rocks.