As if the Maxim scoop wasn't impressive enough, Public Address is once again proud to bring you news you'll be reading in tomorrow's mainstream media. Here is a leaked list of the top ten suspects in the disappearance of Napier woman Pania of the Reef. These people should not be approached without a camera phone.
Brownlee, Gerry
Means: Big fella, burly. Woodwork teacher, would know how to wedge her off the plinth.
Motive: Keeps damaging his paperweights in "frank exchanges of views" with McCully.
Clark, Helen
Means: Was in PNG at time, so could easily have got to Napier and back without anyone noticing..
Motive: Best way to keep Maori Party off front page is to get some other Maori on it.
Clark, Linda
Means: Took one day off air this week. Same day, statue went missing.
Motive: Just 48 hours prior, conducted long discussion on her show about collecting art.
Farrar, David P
Means: At time of disappearance was in "transit" on return from "trip to UK." Blogging output suggests he never left the country.
Motive: No new hot chicks on findsomeone.co.nz for six days now.
Lunch, Eating Media
Means: Vast production budget, wide range of dubious associates.
Motive: New series about to air.
Morrison, Howard
Means: Just as fit today as he was when he was a young fullah.
Motive: Needs campaign mascot to show Maori women how to get a bit trimmer.
Radar, Te
Means: Maori TV production crew at disposal.
Motive: Would make interesting guest on new show.
Shadbolt, Tim
Means: Still has trailer and tools for the odd concrete job.
Motive: No national publicity for Invercargill for nearly a week and a half now.
Suppressed, Name
Means: Has committed vast range of crimes. No-one able to identify him.
Motive: Serial offender.
Twins, Evers-Swindell
Means: The perfect crime: no-one could say which one had done it. Hawkes Bay locals.
Motive: Always doing crazy shit like this.