Random Play by Graham Reid

If ever there was a moment when you ached for a decent stadium in Auckland it was at last night’s U2 concert.

Jammed streets, a collision of people just inside the gates as some queued for food and drink while hundreds of others tried to make their way through them, poor access and egress, the merchandising store right at the exit so crowds there afterwards blocked the passage of those wanting to leave . . .

The list goes on.

I’m guessing that few, if any, of the people who voted on the Auckland stadium issue in the past few days were down there in the damp melee as I was.

I queued for 15 minutes to get a couple of mini-bottles of wine to get me through the wet hours. But it was all gone by 8pm, so I grabbed a couple of plastic bottles of that unforgivable bad Export Gold, the Budweiser of local beer, who seem to have the monopoly.

While queuing my mind went back to the last time I saw U2: it was in Phoenix, Arizona and they were on their PopMart tour.

There is an amusing story about how I nearly died there under My Back Pages here , but other than that, what I remember was just what a pleasant concert-going experience it was.

As a stranger to the city I had no trouble finding the stadium or parking within an easy walk, entry was easy, there were dozens of decent food and drink outlets around the perimeter inside and out of the actual stadium, and my recollection was that within 15 minutes of the final note sounding everyone had managed to get out through stairwells so broad they reminded me of the Coliseum.

I had a similar experience when I saw the Stones in a Chicago stadium in 2002.

This is how concert-going should be, not masses of people jammed up against each other being funnelled into narrow (and last night, dangerously slippery) stairwells. And Export Gold should be banned, it is a crime against humanity.

But -- and this is a very big but -- that isn’t to say I support a waterfront stadium.

Maybe I will when I see a decent in-depth and viable plan for one, but no people of good conscience could have supported the proposal (or the bullying) that was put before Aucklanders these past few weeks.

This morning I heard the mayor of Christchurch crowing about how he knew Aucklanders couldn’t get their act together -- but we ignore this in much the same way as we laugh that Hamilton says it has “won” that V8 race because Auckland and Wellington couldn’t work things out.
(Memo to Hamilton folks: Aucklanders didn’t want it, Wellington thought they did then did the maths. But hey, good luck guys.)

Nope. In my mind that waterfront stadium was never a goer. And please, it is not that I lack “vision”.

Just as your criticisms of contemporary art may be silenced by those who condescendingly say “Oh, you just don’t understand it”, so we saw the same kind of arrogance over the waterfront stadium. “Oh, you just don’t have the vision”.

Well, the vision I have isn’t bad: what I can see is some fancy “artist’s impression” drawings which invariably bear little relation to the subsequent reality; a proposal which has had so little site work done it is laughable; and a figure on costing that everyone knows will be exceeded considerably.

None has pointed out that 65,000 people also have only one way out of the stadium site after a show or match: people don’t disperse through 360 degrees but all load out onto Quay St. (Yep, same scenario at the Sydney Opera House, but it doesn’t hold 65,000)

This was a fairytale wish, not a vision.

Yes, we do need a stadium, but not this one and probably not at that place. Hell, even the councillors who voted for it sort of voted for it in another location.

But last night while sitting through a damp set by Kanye West I was also aware that events like this are rare these days. As I have said repeatedly in these columns and to former journalism colleagues who know little about rock’n’roll demographics, the days of stadium-filling acts are lumbering to an end. Add ‘em up: the Stones, the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Springsteen, U2 . . .?

In a previous blog -- a piece I submitted to the Herald but which it didn’t run -- I said these geniuses behind “the vision” need to take off their rose-coloured glasses and ask the simple question: how is it going to pay for itself?
I was very pleased that in the past two weeks those questions were put and concert promoters were finally asked their opinion.
Their answer: rock’n’roll just isn’t an answer anymore.

The Stones probably aren’t coming back, nor are U2 for some little while, McCartney is probably a never-again . . .

So rather than hastily concluding that the discomforts of a U2 stadium show demand that we build a stadium and build it now (or at least to a timetable imposed by Wellington), we need to take a deep breath and slow down.

An iconic stadium would be a fine thing (although warning signs flash when I hear architects talk of iconic buildings), but this does not mean we seize the moment and then live with regret.

Those who are blinded by “the vision” respond that a lot of great buildings have been controversial. But so have a lot of bloody awful ones. So if you didn’t support the waterfront option it didn’t mean you lacked vision, you may just be able to read a balance sheet.

In that piece I submitted to the Herald I had some figures for building costs in Vancouver which is due to host the Olympics in 2010. People up are there are numbed by the cost overruns. Already!

I think we might be coming back to what I suggested would happen: Eden Park.

But, let us hope, not an iconic Eden Park because obviously that just won’t work for many reasons -- and it would be a bloody horrible aesthetic intrusion on the skyline.

Here’s a thought: just upgrade Eden Park with good quality but temporary seating.
(If it’s good enough for our kids to be educated in prefabs then it’s good enough for
rugby supporters to sit in temporary seating for a couple of hours).

Now I live nearby and I don’t have a problem with that -- although if I could do a house-swap with a Parisian rugby fan for a month that’d be cool too.

And while that is happening we all slow down, let those who have changed from backing Carlaw Park to backing a waterfront stadium (but not on the proposed site?!) to take a minute or two and think carefully about what it is we really want, and can get this government to pay for.

If this is to be a national stadium then it is at a cost to the nation, not long suffering people in Mt Albert or Panmure who haven’t even got a decent transport system.
Governments love legacies, this one no less than any other. Let’s seriously consider the legacy before we jump -- or are pushed -- into some hasty scheme which, when the bills start mounting, will inevitably be a series of cost-cutting compromises.

We don’t want to be, as a famous band in our town right now says, stuck in a moment you can’t get out of.

PS: U2 rock, Bono is in exceptional voice (giving it heaps on the Pavarotti bit in Miss Sarajevo) and while the set skirts their more experimental and interesting period this was a terrific show.

Oh, and my Elsewhere website has also made another leap forward. Check it out here. The recipes are good too.

A last minute solution to break the regional impasse over a site for the 2011 Rugby World Cup has been hailed by the Auckland Regional Authority, a strong majority of Auckland city councillors, and World Cup MP Trevor Mallard.

“This is workable solution which is both innovative and daring, and will give the nation something to be proud of,” said Auckland’s mayor Dick Hubbard last night.

“As one who understands the need for vision and making Auckland a world class city I say this is the option that we should grasp with both hands, get our fingers on the trigger and just go for gold.

“It is time to get ready, fire and aim our sights in a new and bold direction. I am as enthusiastic about this as I was about the waterfront option yesterday.”

Minister for the World Cup Mallard said last night that he too was impressed by the proposal which its designers and developers say will come it around $250 million, a figure he says which may have to be cost-adjusted for inflation, increased wage rates, inevitable delays and other unknown factors.

“Inevitably the figure will double if not triple, but it is certainly do-able in the time frame that I have demanded and threatened, and now it just needs Aucklanders to pick up the ball and run with it."

Helen Clark who is currently overseas has indicated that she too approves of the new site, and not just because it isn’t an option just round the corner from her place.

The Minister for Auckland issues was unavailable or unable to comment.

The head of Auckland Urban Development, Strategic Planning and Procrastination Mr David Edwards also said the proposed new site has much to recommend it over the other options currently being discussed.

“Here we have a site which has direct access from all points on the North Shore down a long straight road which can easily be widened and turned into a major carriageway. I am sure that the long suffering residents of the district who have endured endless delays during peak hours will also see great merit in this development, of which they will be the major beneficiaries.

“The option also makes use of otherwise under-utilised public land and gives Aucklanders the option of creating a functioning network of harbour ferries which is something many have been demanding for years.

“And then of course there is the beautiful location which has commanding views and yet will not be in the sight lines of neighbours and those on adjacent land.

“I see it as a socio-economic boost to a dormitory suburb and within a few years cafes, bars, nightclubs and adult entertainment outlets will all sprout up in what is otherwise a sleepy suburban backwater. This is exciting progress and will make Auckland the envy of the South Pacific.”

The architectural firm Spraggon and Langholme which came up the concept has already submitted a series of plans which have been distributed to councillors.

“Construction can be rapid and we can foresee neither construction delays or cost blowouts,” said the company’s chief architect Donald Spraggon.

“We can limit truck traffic to the site during the day and have them working at night on the site which will be fully floodlit. Blasting, which is necessary to sink footings, will be conducted in a period between 4pm and 7pm every day of the first 18 months so local residents can accustom themselves to it. And in consultation with two major construction firms we have concluded the work will only take three years, which is considerably less time than any other proposed site.“

The public will be invited to make submissions before construction starts at noon on Friday November 24.

An artist’s representation of the proposed stadium in place of Mt Victoria in Devonport will be published in newspapers tomorrow.

Okay, this is true. Working at my house right now is a tiler. From Thailand. Yep, a Thai tiler -- in the country. Legally. Didn’t have to spend time off-shore to wangle a passport as far as I know.

This is one of the amusing kind of things that happens when workmen swarm all of your house, like the guy yesterday who said, “It’s bro’Town out there, bro‘ ”.

He was Samoan and referring to the multi-ethnic mix of labourers. Or else he was just making a joke.

And yesterday I needed a joke like a Thai tiler or bro’Town on my Morningside doorstep.

With a canniness which I have not hitherto revealed I had A Plan. I was going to post music from artists who were performing at Womad at the time that the Herald article (which I wrote) appeared. And I was going to tell all my subscribers to Elsewhere about that, and the new section Recipes From Elsewhere which I was unveiling simultaneously. And a new website they might be interested in.

And I was going to do a giveaway of a dozen albums to subscribers. Because that’s the kind of guy I am.

Well, it sort of didn’t happen like that. The best laid plans of me and mice, I guess.

As many of you know i-Hug went into one of its periodic nosedives and there was nothing coming in or out of my laptop (other than some weird weight-loss spam which always seems to slip through) for about 24 hours -- my crucial 24 hours!

Like most people I lost work (ie wages) and time, and mainly just got pissed off. My simultaneous bid for attention died in a mass of curses and coffee.

Then the Thai tiler arrived, and I burst out laughing.

That sort of put things in perspective. I thought I had problems, and then I remembered Philip Field, the other Thai tiler and his family, and so on.

Anyway if you are looking for interesting recipes (and want to contribute one or two from your travels), or want to hear music by artist coming to Womad (and others) then check it out here.

But also, what follows is an article I offered to the Herald’s opinion page two and a half weeks ago. I’ve never heard back from them so I guess they weren’t interested. But seeing that front page image of a slightly ovoid toilet roll (artist’s impression!) superimposed on the waterfront made me think this might all be part of the cunning game which is being played around us with this World Cup stadium discussion.

So here is what I wrote. It slightly repeats a few points that I have made in the past about this issue, but the fundamental question remains unasked -- and therefore cleverly unanswered.

Have a good weekend. I’m going Elsewhere again.

THE PRICE YOU PAY

The citizens of Vancouver woke to amusing news recently. The mayors of the nearby towns of Whistler and Squamish had joined Vancouver's 2010 Olympics organisers to support the plan to house Games media in a cruise ship docked in Squamish.

This occasioned great humour among letters to the editor columns: how would diligent sports writers -- renown for their moderate and sober ways -- cope with the stressful conditions aboard a vessel which has bars, a swimming pool and possibly a casino?

If people in Vancouver allowed themselves a laugh -- the IOC had already rejected the idea -- it was a rare one.

As with other cities which have won the rights to host such events as the Olympic or Commonwealth Games, the reality of their situation hit hard before the celebratory hangover had even faded. As always it was the taxpayer staring at cost over-runs and shortfalls, and other public expenditure being sidelined to pay for the event.

In a sentence which rang hollow but should sound as a warning to other cities around the world hosting major events, Dave Rudberg, general manager of the 2010 Games operations for the city said, “All I can say is the level of inflation was far greater than any of the parties anticipated.”

Many were understandably unhappy with such a bland disavowal of responsibility, especially when -- despite promises in 2003 that the provincial government would cover cost overruns -- the city looked like it might have to pitch in something close to CAN $26 million ($34 million). This, because of the shortfall on what are described as “legacy facilities”.

The cost of an ice-rink has almost tripled in cost since 2003 (CAN$5 million to $CAN$14); and the Vancouver Organising Committee’s contribution to a curling facility has risen CAN$10 to CAN$38 million. The estimated cost of an aquatic centre had also risen by around the same amount.

And no one is saying that these are final figures. The Games are still four years away.

There is a message in this: that the enthusiasm for such projects by some may not be matched by business pragmatism. And further, that nor does it need to be because once you win the rights to stage such an event you can’t cancel. You just have to keep paying . . . and paying.

And as many cities will testify, when the curtain falls on the event and guests go home saying how wonderful it was the now-silent stadia and pools still have to pay their way.

It takes no great leap of the imagination to see something similar happening in Auckland with the 2011 World Cup. The cynical have suggested the idea of a new stadium on the Auckland waterfront -- an idea far from enthusiastically received -- has been a diversion to buy time and therefore create a greater sense of urgency for the Eden Park up-grade.

Already the quiet fear-mongering has begun. Eden Park Development Committee chairman Rob Fisher said this week (October 15) he welcomes debate about the various options -- which also include development of North Harbour Stadium -- but offers a warning: “We look forward to, within the next three to four weeks, a prompt decision from Government, to ensure the critical path for delivery is not compromised.

“While we are confident that Eden Park will meet the IRB's [International Rugby Board] requirements, can be built in time for the Cup . . . it remains to be seen whether a waterfront option is viable.”

Some potential developers say a harbourside stadium cannot be built in five years -- sceptics point to the on-going delays at the small stadium near Britomart which was supposed to open last year -- and given the enormous amount of highly visible space a harbour side stadium would command we might guess a long period of acrimonious public debate.

So discussion comes back to Eden Park and concerns about the proposed new height which is not only an ugly visual imposition on the landscape but will cast shade over 200 nearby houses. I imagine one affected might be the home of the prime minister.

My concern is not only with the appalling aesthetics -- believe me, if you stand in the street and imagine what is proposed you’ll be horrified -- but what happens after the World Cup is over and the hoopla has faded. I predict a very long hangover.

I am sure many thousands bringing their money will come to New Zealand during this period -- although let’s be honest, the Barmy Army did not appear in anywhere near the numbers expected, and promised, during the Lions tour last year.

But what happens after the crowds have gone home? Put bluntly, how will Eden Park earn a buck?

Does anyone seriously expect bigger crowds for Auckland v Otago, or some cricket game between provincial teams? People don’t go to them now and it isn’t the stadium’s fault, they just aren’t that compelling.

My guess is that the new, improved legacy facility -- and people in Vancouver know what that means, and costs -- will not be able to pay its way, and someone (and you know who) will have to front up with the money.

I have lived within a few hundred metres of Eden Park for five years and I love it. I have never complained about its presence, that would be ridiculous.

But what was hinted a year ago was they might want to put concerts in there. That is something I will object to, that is a significant change of designation.

A flyer arrived in my letterbox reassuringly saying concerts would be sort of family affairs, and Sir Paul McCartney’s name was mentioned by way of example.

Well first of all, even at his age he still plays a loud rock show -- but the fact is, he isn’t coming.

And that raises the question, just who are the stadium-filling acts these days?

Answer: there are very few. The Stones have been and probably won’t come again, and audiences for the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and the like have diminished considerably.

So that leaves?

I love the Big Day Out and haven’t missed one yet -- but it would be inappropriate to hold it in the centre of the suburbs. So my concern is not just about the ugliness of the proposed option at Eden Park, but just who might fill it post-2011 and therefore pay for that thing.

No one has answered that question -- it isn’t even being asked in the controversy over stadium options and costs -- but I fear I know the answer.

The 134th annual meeting of comedy writers and satirists wound up in Auckland last night with what one described as “the end of an era” when the group SATCOM decided it could no longer continue.

“This is a sad day for everyone,” said columnist Jam Hipkins, “but really there is nothing left to write about. With the suggestion that Health Department officials will be monitoring snack food outlets in offices, the success of the anti-smoking legislation, the move against Guy Fawkes and Christmas celebration because they are dangerous and offensive to many, I think we could say we have reached a new level of absurdity that parody cannot compete with.”

Columnist Radar Te Comic agreed: “I used to enjoy writing funny columns but it has been pointed out to me that recently mine have become quite serious.

"Part of the problem is the amusing things, the downright hilarious things in fact, are coming from bureaucrats and people within government.

“No one can really compete with David Benson Pope when it comes to spontaneous absurdity.”

The 40-member SATCOM group has decided to wind up its affairs said chairman Gordon McLaughing as there seemed little point in continuing to try and make people laugh at the foibles of public officials when they [the officials] were doing such a good job of it themselves.

“It was a sad final meeting in many ways, especially when you are in a room full of people who usually try to outdo each other in the quick quip stakes. But even as the wine flowed you could tell a sense of melancholy and morose reflectiveness hung heavy in the air.

“When Tom Scott was called on to speak about the Muldoon Era which he does so well and so often, there was barely a dry eye in the house. Even the days under Norm Kirk offered more scope for satirists than under this current administration.

“The irony is of course that socialists are rarely known for their humour -- and yet this lot have given us more laughs, unintentional or otherwise, than any of the right wing people have ever done.

"Even more than the Exclusive Bretherns.”

Mr McLaughing cited Paintergate, the Pay It Back movement, tennis balls in mouths and anything Trevor Mallard said when he was unmuzzled as all being memorably hilarious.

Writer Graeme Reed who had previously written satirical columns for the Herald and on a well known website said he was feeling quite depressed after the meeting wound up.

“I went home and for a few hours felt there was really no point in going on, the best subjects like the absurdity of politicians and their minions, the topics for rich parody like the hubris of those in government and whacko social legislation, have all been taken away from us.

“I really felt like ending it all, but then I realised it was just that god awful cask wine they serve at SATCOM meetings making me feel that way.

“You know, in a weird kind of way I won’t actually miss having to try to write funny pieces. I might just be happy to sit at home and enjoy the fact that others are doing it for me.

"The only bugger is that these bastards are being paid a shitload of money and we who used to be out there trying to make people laugh never got bugger all, mate.

“Which I suppose explains the cask wine, right?“

The prime minister was unavailable for comment but said through a tight-lipped spokeswoman in a brown suit that “Mallard, Benson Pope and all the rest of that lot wouldn’t be commenting either, and will never again. Not if I can help it".

And on the 307th day The Builder said, “Let there be Light”. And lo! There was light. And we saw the light. And it was good. Bloody good.

Yes, on Friday -- a mere 307 days after the first scaffolding went up outside the sliding doors onto our patio -- the canvas has been removed and we have light again.

Well, more correctly the canvas has come down on one side of our house. There is still scaffolding on our patio and outside our kitchen window. And yes, the scaffolding and canvas is still there outside our lounge windows.

But we can see the light now. Both literally and metaphorically.

At a guess it might only be another month or so before all the scaffolding and canvas is gone and we have our house -- now a non-leaky building -- back. Of course we’ll still have a view of the builders' shed, the saws, piles of timber, the blue Port-A-Loos and the huge rubbish skip -- but we are getting there.

And one day, one day soon I hope, we can get our stuff out of the lock-up and I will have my office back. I can put out my toys and records again, and be able to find books and maps and notes.

We still intend to splash out on a barbecue we can't afford just to feel we have gained some control over our home and garden again.

Of course every now and again life sends a reminder that you really have nothing to complain about: in the grand scheme of things this has been a temporary disruption and things could be worse, as they are for some friends right now -- who live with maybe less chance of light.

On Friday night we went to a fundraiser for a friend who has recently lost both breasts to cancer, and she and her partner look like they could also lose their house as they try to scrabble together money to pay for Herceptin.

They are of course now down to one income and so they can no longer afford the mortgage on the house they only bought about six months ago. Cancer is, among other things, discourteous and doesn’t say, “Hey, I wouldn’t buy that house just yet, I’m going to be dropping by in a few months”.

So these people’s lives -- and that of their families and friends, and a teenage daughter -- have been turned upside down in what, even for someone used to counting days right up until 307, seems to have been overnight.

Needless to say no one at the function -- which had auctions of products donated by D-Vice, vouchers from friends in business, raffles, and three people shaving their hair for funds -- had a good word to say about Pharmac.

Before we went we had some people over for dinner and one of them had a go at me for saying that the Herceptin issue wasn’t as clear cut as “take it and survive” as it seems to have been characterised in some quarters.

Don’t get me wrong, by saying this it doesn’t mean -- as our guest seemed to aggressively assume -- that I am pro-Pharmac and riding with the Sons of Satan to deny dying women access to this drug.

I know from close personal experience that when the “C” word enters your life you will try anything, which is why charlatans like Milan Brych in the 70s could suck money out of the desperate with the promise he had some secret treatment which would arrest cancer, and probably cure you completely.

(My father always used to say that the graveyard in the Cook Islands where he set up shop after being kicked off the New Zealand medical register was full of those saved by Brych.)

We know that Herceptin isn’t a cure-all, but it does seem to have some real success in some sufferers. And that is why it is only right that there seems to be some small movement from Pharmac on the issue.

Not enough for many perhaps, and nowhere near enough for the supportive friends on Friday night to feel Pharmac was about to redeem itself. Fuck Pharmac was the prevailing opinion, and that from people who had done their homework on the issue a whole lot more than me.

On that night when people laughed, were supportive and extremely generous (and when my wife won the D-Vice pack with the riding crop, handcuffs and some interesting looking battery-operated devices) I couldn’t help thinking -- given the delight we had in having the canvas removed just hours earlier -- what life must be like when there is so little light.

And no promise of it . . .

[Apropos of nothing: I have just posted some interesting new Music from Elsewhere here
And there are more Windows on Elsewhere (photos out the window of places I have stayed -- be the view beautiful or bloody awful) and other Images From Elsewhere.
Have a look, the windows and images are nice time wasters -- click on the pix and they enlarge with a description -- and the music is free. I do this weekly so if you like what you hear/see/read then join the subscription list.]

And now I must go. My wife is calling. I’ve been a very naughty boy.
I hope!