Posts by Helen Marie
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Thank you Emma. This has been quite enlightening for me. I see now that I've been making well-intentioned stuff ups when trying to help in an abusive situation that crops up regularly within my family. I tend to offer suggestions starting with "you need to" and "why don't you just" instead of simply listening, comforting or offering a safe place. Next time I will do things differently.
I feel a bit silly that this is such a revelation to me. I know first hand how those "why didn't you just…(fight back, leave, tell someone etc)" questions made me feel when I was floundering in my own abusive situations. It felt like I was being told I'd done it all wrong and was stupid. Unhelpful and unnecessary as I was already feeling those things anyway.
Again, thank you. Lots to think about. -
Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Dylan Reeve,
Trigger Warning
(Writing that feels a bit rich after my previous post about triggers, but I don't want anyone to feel awful reading what I've got to say.)
Not locking your front door doesn't justify someone taking your TV, etc etc...
No, but you're probably going to get home and kick yourself.
I've read through this discussion several times. It confuses me. Mainly because I guess I partly agree with Jones' headline ("Rape a risk for those who don't act sensibly"), and that makes me feel like I'm either on the wrong side or a bit thick. Maybe I'm too deep in the forest to see the trees. All I know is what's happened in my own life, and that my actions led to some bad things happening. Sure, there's no excuse for the behaviour of the men involved, but if I'd been more careful they just wouldn't have happened.
I've been raped seven times that I know of - I've been told there's one more but I don't remember any of it because I was too drunk, so it doesn't count. (Dad never raped me btw, just did gynae exam things). The first two rapes especially I believe were a direct result of my decision to live a bit dangerously.
The first: I was seventeen, living in a sort of squalid squatting situation with two ex-convicts in Hamilton East (obviously this was against my parents' wishes). There was a party one night in the flat below. I went to the party for a while, (dressed in a short skirt and t-shirt with no bra), and proceeded to get very drunk and stoned. There was an old drunk guy sitting next to me on the sofa who sort of fell asleep on me a couple of times, leaning on my shoulder. I pushed him away and didn't pay much attention. He followed me out to the toilet once and tried to come in but I shut the door on him. Eventually, I staggered drunk back up to our flat to sleep. I woke to the sound of breaking glass, and I assumed people were throwing bottles.(Turned out it was the sound of one of the toilet louvre windows being pulled out and dropped). Then there was someone's silhouette in the doorway, and suddenly the old guy was on me. (He was actually only 42) He had no teeth and the most vivid memory is of his face being sort of flappy and slobbery. I tried to scream like girls do in movies but it came out squeaky and feeble. He told me he'd fucking kill me if I fucking screamed again. He was squeezing my throat, and I thought he might just do it, so I kept quiet and let him do his thing.
If I'd been more careful, that wouldn't have happened.
The second: hanging out again with a different group of predominantly ex-convicts, I went with five of them to someone's place to drink. One had just recently got out of jail and kept going on about how he hadn't had a root in six months. We had booze, dope and potato chips. One guy said "all we need now is a woman". Joe, who I was sort of "seeing", picked me up over his shoulder and I laughed and kicked my feet a bit, thinking he was playing. But he carried me into a bedroom, dropped me on the bed and they all had turns. I managed to move up into my head and not really feel what was going on further down on the bed.
If I'd been more careful that wouldn't have happened either.
I don't want to write about any more rape stuff because it's too tiring. I just don't think telling people "please don't rape" is going to work. It's like telling people "be nice". Some people are caring and lovely and don't need to be told that stuff. The sort of people I just wrote about wouldn't give a fuck no matter what you said. For what it's worth I think kindness is the most important thing in the world. There are some people though who see it as a weakness. Maybe if we could teach those without compassion to grow some... but I don't know if that's even possible.
After the first rape I remember feeling deeply hurt with Mum's reaction. She had always said 'If anyone ever harms a hair on either of you girls' heads, I'll hunt him down to the ends of the earth and kill him" or something to that effect. But I got a sort of "told you something like this would happen ... you made your bed and you'll have to lie in it" thing instead. As punishment I had to sell my pushbike to contribute to the lawyer's fee. It never went to court anyway.
Still confused. I thought writing something might help with that. I don't know that it has.
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Oh, thank you Lilith. That was plenty meaningful to me. xx
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Thank you Isabel and Jackie for your kind words and love.
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Russell Brown,
I’ve just been thinking about that, on re-sighting a comment of mine upthread about “trigger warning”. Not everyone has to use the same words for everything, but the way I phrased it (“not a fan of”) was, well, pretty wanky. Sorry about that.
I get (probably unreasonably) annoyed by the phrase "trigger warning" myself so saw nothing wanky about you not being a fan. I know people are just being considerate and careful when they use it, but the real triggers (for me, anyway) are in the world, not in words in a book or on a screen. By far the worst offenders are smells… Vaseline, pinetarsol, soap, Old Spice, ointments, chemist shops and medicine cabinets. The musty smell of old carpet, old books, old men's clothing. Also sounds… pretty much all 70's music; any of Beethoven's sonatas; Bach's preludes and fugues; all hymns, kids practising scales. Men without their teeth in. 70's tv shows. I have a love/hate thing going on with stationery. Love all the dinky things, but pens were among the things Dad used to "check things". Ditto candles and the handle of the wooden spoon. You get the idea. I hate carnations because he loved them. The world is awash in "triggers". I can't avoid them. I don't need warning.