Posts by Tess Rooney
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I haven’t read all the posts, so if someone has already suggested this, I’m sorry to double up, but as for the start of Parliament I think a solution would be a time of silence rather than a prayer. A friend suggested that and I think it’s a good solution whereby no one is excluded and no one is offended. Those that wish to pray may do so in silence, but it is still a shared, communal moment of reflection.
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" On these topics, we’re your Ngs and Edgelers. Give us the same respect for our knowledge as you would them in their areas of expertise."
Yes. This.
"Is there anything males need to be taught, other than to just Stop?"
Yes there most certainly is. I'm a mother to four boys, I don't try to teach them "just stop", instead I try to teach them that girls and women are people, human beings that deserve respect, kindness, and to be treated with dignity. Girls and women aren't objects for the male gaze, or toys for male pleasure.
I want my sons to grow into good men who treat people with respect.
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I do think we need men to step up and challenge each other when women are objectified. In a perfect world men would listen to women, but this isn't a perfect world and let's be honest, men are going to have more impact with men who are happy to say "fwooor, look at the t**s on that b***h".
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Up Front: Lighting the Dark, in reply to Hilary Cameron,
Don't you think women have always had this conversation? My mum got told by her grandmother to made sure her drinks weren't spiked and I'm in my fourties. And when mum worked in the office of the DSIR back in the late 60's/early 70's they had a case where a young man poisoned his girlfriend (and killed her) with Spanish fly because it was a supposed aphrodisiac and he wanted sex before marriage.
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The weird thing is that we're all set with our "weaponised car keys" (I LOVE this description btw because it is so freaking accurate) yet the likely cause of sexual violence isn't that stranger in the coat walking 10 meters behind you, it's the pissed off boyfriend who calls you a cocktease and holds you down, while you are crying, forcing you to have sex. It's the drunk "friend", it's the guy you know, the one you thought you could trust.
And then there's the whole, was it really rape thing that goes on in your head, the "I don't want to ruin his life with a formal charge and our friends would hate me and besides, it's 'he said/she said' and I don't want the hassle".
And the really sad thing is, most women I know have had this happen to them. So we weaponise our car keys, our dogs, we make sure we can run in those shoes, and track who's around and who might be a threat, but how do you avoid the bloke in your living room that you invited in, thinking he would respect your dignity and consent?
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Ah, okay.
Doesn't it suck that we have to do this kind of risk assessment just to be outside our houses at night? I remember being 11 and walking to the bus for school and always keeping in mind which houses I could run to if a pedophile tried to snatch me and keeping watch for being followed, or cars that slowed near me. We learn our lessons early.
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Up Front: Lighting the Dark, in reply to Jackie Clark,
I would never muzzle our dogs if I was walking them in the dark for exactly this reason (and I have gone through this thought process too).
I have to say I actually feel quite safe walking around Greymouth, even at night. I certainly feel a lot safer here than I did in Christchurch. To be fair to Christchurch though, I have never been hassled even when I did walk there at night. The closest I got to anything was a glue sniffer who wanted to chat to me as I walked down Bedford Row after dark.
Still, it's always in your head that you have to be careful and have some kind of plan.
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I can't bring myself to watch "his" youtube thing. I avoid it when it's on the news as much as possible.
I completely agree about the gendering that happens at school (we found kindy was great, our youngest boy could dress as a princess and no one cared). But school... that was a whole 'nother thing. One son chose to give up ballet because of snide comments, which now that he is older and more confident, he really regrets. I don't think it was the teachers, it seemed to be the other male pupils who policed gender.
One thing I've noticed is that my husband avoids certain men. I asked him why, they seemed like nice guys, but apparently out of women's hearing they talk about women in a nasty, sexualised way. I _never_ would have guessed, they didn't give off any vibe that creeped me out, but now when I see them, all I see is a potential rapist.
I think the vending machine comment is perfect. Some men think that if they put in a certain amount of effort - dinner, chocolate, movies, nice-guy-listening - then a sexual relationship pops out after a while. So when the "goodies" don't appear after a while they feel cheated, then angry. Sober, he's likely to hold it together, but put a few drinks in him and then the hurt and entitlement can come rushing out.
Watching my own sons I think they model a lot of their behavior on their father. Also if they use gendered or objectifying language we come down very hard on them, but you're fighting a constant battle against the social expectations of their peers and you wonder what they are like away from home.
Thankfully our kids are pretty cool. Our oldest boy is a proud brony and has aspergers which means that what he likes, he likes, and social expectations can just bog off. He's a great role model for his younger brothers who are neurotypical, but it's hard when peer pressure can be so strong.
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Up Front: Oh, Grow Up, in reply to Emma Hart,
It possibly came about because of intergrated faith schools. Religious studies is a core subject at Catholic schools so perhaps they got NCEA qualifications for it. But I'm only guessing here.
Also yes, philosophy should absolutely be taught at school.
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I'm someone who has a pretty specific (and clearly faith based) idea of what marriage is, ie. a man and woman who vow to be with each other for life and who are open to the possibility of conceiving. However I would disagree with having a referendum about it. It's perfectly clear that the definition of marriage that I hold too is very much in the minority, you only have to look at divorce and contraception rates to see that. It's up to our MPs to legislate following the new understanding of marriage.
However this is provided that as long as people and churches/faiths can hold their own ceremonies freely, and that religions can teach their own theological beliefs freely.