Posts by Damian Christie
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Yes, the Southern Suburbs seem to be profiting quite nicely in the Oscar stakes. Thants Lord of the Rings. Thants
Without wanting to pre-empt my next post, and thus make me even more redundant than normal, I have to disagree about the Queen. It was watchable yes, but Oscar material? Hardly.
On which more later.
And yes, I would HIGHLY recommend Little Miss Sunshine.
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No, no... don't call the ALF. That's just mean.
I honestly misread this as saying "No, don't call him ALF..." Which, if you squint...
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I'm just going to assume that Damian was publicly naked at some point during the weekend, so that's three out of eight...
Spooky. Is that like some kinda ancient mystic spidey sense you Asians are imbued with?
But no, it was the X-Air in Wellington this weekend. All the naked flesh was either ripped, tattooed and badly in need of a shower, or tanned, firm and barely covered by a sponsor's bikini... I was keeping my 30-something flesh well out of sight.
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From BP:
A
Mavis dozed. Hank lay back, at last he could relax, it had been a near thing, but now he could erase the last week from his mind, it was over, hed pulled it off. But his mind would not stop racing, the false smiles of grim stern faced men haunted him. How close had their fingers been to the triggers of those plastic looking machine pistols? Images of a tourtured and agonising death, held at bay with only a couple of microns of rubber plagued his mind. The sun felt good.B
But was it over, what was that in the distance, they heard a low rumble, was that a gunboat racing toward them. They'd carried out their part in the operation flawlesly, for them it should be over. Had another of the team stumbled with their task, had they implicated Hank? Mavis recalled and relived her part, had she done all that was required, had she left some small clue of their involvement to lead these dedicated men to them.C
They moved together, down, closer to the sea, stood in the wash and strained their eyes, the boat was coming their way, what was the strange shape above the hull, why were the crew in what looked like uniforms, it was certainly coming there way fast and there was sun glinting off binocular glass and grey metal. At last they could see, relief, it was the beach patrol, idly hooning by, young boys and girls without a care, watching over the surfers and swimmers seeing they were safe.As their minds slowed, reality dawned, Mavis was a mother, she had kids just like these, had her desire to get out of the drudgery of ghetto life, put these young lives at risk. Hank had always been active in his youth he would have been the one at the helm dancing with danger, skipping through the surf, thrilling his passangers, amping in the speed of the bucking boat.
D
The swim had done little to ease their consiouns, they trudged up the beach, yes they were now free from the money worries that had plagued their lives, Hank was free of the booze that had stolen his youthful vigour and figure. But what was the cost would they ever be able to live with the part they had played in the destruction of so many young joyous lives. Yes they were free to live the lives they felt they deserved but so far there had been nothing to celebrate there was no instant spring to their step. In fact the burden of guilt lay more hevily upon them than the dire poverty they had left behind. Perhaps time would dim the guilt and they would move on and find the happiness they felt certain money could buy.E
Back on their lounge Mavis turned up her nose at the morsel Hank offerd she had no appetite for the sweet, in her mind she could see her beloved children sitting on some filthy matress, dark in a basement room, injecting the heroin that Hank had carried, their lives in darkness in stark contrast to the sunlight that surrounded her. Hank too had no desire to feast on the sweet morsel, he had feasted on the little packets of death, he had carried them to this beautiful place, he had placed in mortal danger the beautiful lives of the young couple that strode past, his greed, his desire to regain the youth he was sure money could buy, could destroy lives as the booze that had dimmed his proclivity for work had destroyed his. Would the cycle continue into the lives of this young couple? Would the heroin he had concealed in his distended belly be the ruin of their lives and would they seek the same solution and endanger the lives of his grandchildren.The sun was warm, the sky was blue, it's a hard world out there, they would make choices as he had and live with the outcomeas he would.
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Name: Andrew
Message:
A. When Hank came to, he found himself sprawled upon a spongy mattress. Beads of sweat trickled down his shoulders as he hauled himself up onto his elbows. The surface of the mattress clung to his skin. His first thought was that he had, somehow, been swept up from his comfortable deckchair beside the rose garden and deposited in the sauna at the Paltry Street Baths, with its blue tiles and matching towels. But as he squinted into the light, he caught a whiff of salt spray and heard the sound of crashing waves, and realised that this was not the sauna.B. It was only then that he noticed the woman lying behind him. She was awake, and he stood up as she spoke. "Oh" she said, seemingly to herself, with a hint of concern in her voice "sand....the beach? Yes, a beach. I'm at a beach. Goodness." She squinted up at Hank, a puzzled expression on her face. "Are we in Blackpool?"
Hank considered. "Well, no, I don't believe we are in
Blackpool," he replied. "I think this is a...well, a tropical beach." He gazed at the azure ocean, perplexed. The woman scrambled to her feet. "A tropical beach...Goodness. It is very warm." She stepped towards the water. Unsure of what to do,and not seeing anyone nearby, Hank followed. The woman continued: "How on Earth did I get here? I was just walking to the shops to buy some jam, and....oh, yes, I was passing the umbrella store when a black cat ran across my path, and next thing I know I'm on a tropical beach. Goodness, how very strange!"C. They waded into the water. It was warm, soothing. "How very odd," Hank replied. "I was just sitting in the garden, doing the crossword. I think I must have gone to sleep, and suddenly.....here I am. Very peculiar indeed. I say....you weren't dressed like that going to the shops, were you?"
"Oh, goodness, no!" the woman exclaimed. "I was wearing my cardy and hat!"
"Indeed. I don't know where my trousers have gone, and
my shirt - well, it was an uncomfortable shirt anyway." Hank felt relieved that his underpants hadn't vanished into thin air with the rest of his attire, although he then noticed that they had been rolled up to expose the tops of his thighs, as if he was about to sunbathe."At least you've still got your boots", the woman said.
Hank agreed, although quite how he came to be wearing a
pair of neoprene dive booties was beyond him.D. The warm sun and sea made Hank feel tired. He announced that he was going to return to mattress. The woman puffed slightly as she followed him over the soft sand.
"Might I ask what your name is?" Hank enquired.
"Mavis Winklepicker," she told him, "I'm a retired seamstress.
And you?""Hank. Hank Haddockgrubber. I used to be in the Navy, but nothing like this ever happened before, not even when we sailed around that Bermuda Triangle." Hank heard a splash and turned to see a man squatting in the shallows just along the beach.
"Well, he seems unconcerned," remarked Mavis.
E. Back at the mattress, Hank reclined on the warm rubber, which trembled as Mavis perched on the edge. He peered into a black bag which sat between them. Inside it he found a towel, a rubber duck and a yellow lunchbox containing pieces of fruit. Lying back in the sun, he offered Mavis a piece of pineapple. A young couple strolled past. "At least the weather's nice here," said Mavis.
"So it is, so it is," Hank replied. "I wonder how long we'll be here. If it gets much warmer, I might have to take a swim. Now, I wonder where a man might get a drink around here..."
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Name: Dave
Message:
D: The arrival:
Forty three... forty four...forty five. Aha. Ze rendevous.E: The instructions
Be on the alert for terrorists! They may be disguised as people. This pie will self destruct in your belly.B: Crisis on the beach!
There are no terrorists on the beach! They're even cleverer than we thought! If I was a terrorist where would I hide?C: The hunt continues...
There appear to be no terrorists hiding in the water.A: Democracy triumphs!
I'm not wearing no god-damn burka. Ahhh - the sweet carcinogenic sunshine of liberty. -
Via the email. Name: paul
Message:
very quick entry all done in the style of "LOST"Heading: Hank and Mavis do "LOST"
A:Sunbathing
"that airplane is in trouble"
B: standing
"its breaking up, Mavis" tragic eh!
C: swimming
"look I can see survivor's in the water"
D: Returning
"ignore him <head in background> he got that far without our help"
E: Eating
"5 minutes on our beach and he's already scored, fa'getta bout'it"
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Via the Email - Brian
Message:
B: " mavis do u think global warming is affecting the ocean'
"Don't be silly Hank its the added pull of the comet raising the tide"C: Those bloody Japs, there used to be whales out there."
"No dear its the waste from our resort polluting the water and keeping them away."D: This sand is so hard to walk in,how do those boys in Iraq manage to run in it."
" I can't get over the number of cigarette butts in it."E: Here dear have this its very low in carbon miles."
"but that container is not recyclable and is made of oil."A:" I think that hole in the ozone layer is getting bigger."
"Who gives a fuck dear I'm trying to get in a nap." -
A note from the judging committee:
We're very impressed with these last few entries. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thrown up in my mouth just a little bit... keep 'em coming.
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Oh, and PLEASE NOTE there are now Fabulous Prizes up for grabs!