Which goes to another real problem with NZ society. Bullying is an accepted, even encouraged behaviour.
There are laws that are designed to protect people from bullying in the work place. I imagine, it would be more difficult for some professions than others to get protected by those laws. The striptease artist is an example of the different thresholds of what is considered abuse depending on occupational status. Mabe not becouse of the law itself, but by the social backlash from reporting it.
But. Most abusers are bullies. They are ONLY violent towards people they perceive as being weaker than themselves – children, women, non-Masculinity-Box-conforming men. They are only violent in circumstances where they feel there won’t be consequences – in the privacy of their own homes, or in a social situation where they feel people are on their side. That last is vitally important. The higher they perceive the odds being of someone speaking out, the less likely they are to abuse. These people have ENORMOUS self-control. They exercise violence in a culture that supports them doing so.
That's dead right - well said.
Male victims, particularly of sexual abuse and domestic violence, are frequently and sometimes deliberately erased. If anyone wants to write on that, because it’s “their” thing, I would happily publish that here, anonymously if necessary.
I think its all “our” thing. We speak out against all sorts of injustice in support of other people. We speak in support of human rights for children, people with disabilitys and people with minority sexuality and or gender. I don’t think we need to be the person we support by expressing an understanding of there circumstances. It’s helpful to know there experience, so thank you for offering to publish and obviously moderate a more broad spectrum of personal experience.
Anonymity is probably the only way to get story’s of victimisation from men.
Many of my best friends are quite literally men. But,as has already been pointed out, I cannot, simply cannot, afford to assume that any new man I meet is not one of Some Men.
And that’s a general difference between men and women’s general experience. I paid attention to what you said about needing to feel safe with a sexual partner. I almost never feel unsafe around women and I don’t have sex with men, so it’s not something I naturally assumed would have been going on for someone that was dating me. Partly becouse I know I’m not dangerous. It’s been well worth your while to let us know how it is for you. Specially becouse most but nfortunately not all, men who go on dates with women want to be liked and wanted by them, I am now concidering how to nudge a few cultural levers, with my applied arts training. I’m not going to walk into the earth workers smoko shed next door and tell them to be more sensitive and new age, or give them a growling for being munters. What I can do, is remain mindful of the fears women carry, and try to intelligently influence my corner of our culture. It’s all about being a good mentor of men. A sence of humour is essential.
I belong to a men’s group the Whirlwind Trust which is basically for broken blokes like me, getting together and supporting each other. The common story that comes across is “I failed”.
I’m doing one of them. Our one meets at Victoria university on Wednesdays to work out how to best deal with our feelings of disconnect. There’s only been two of us showing up but I’m expecting the numbers to grow over time. Our pair support group is particular for male survivors of sexual abuse and violence. The university is a good environment to deal with our dilemma. It’s an uplifting place to be working on self awareness/ Interpersonal awareness.
I’ve found a place in the University library that has a catalog of all the moon rocks that the Apollo mission collected.
Don’t take it personally, but in my experience, the male of the species is crap at that. Thats not a rule, just an observation.
You know something I don’t understand, where did John Kerwin’s anxiety and depression come from? That campaign was good for helping men get a bit real, which helps with better sexing behaviour, but it’s done nothing to explain why such a large number of New Zealand men are so fucked up.
So back on topic. I once saved a women from being raped, after she was dragged into a yard not far from Courtenay place on a Friday night, by a man known to the women, during the mid 1990s. I recruited some young blades that happened to be nearby. I didn’t have the guts to go running into the dark yard where the commotion was going on, all by myself.
Jeffrey Dahmer’s physiatrist said Jeffrey like men with big biceps and he was looking for a partner would snuggle up to him. But he didn’t have the Internet and couldn’t hook up correctly, so he did really bad sex.
Because, in this case, I am addressing a gendered problem: the different social expectations of male and female behaviour. Because the two incidents that sparked it, the Chiefs’ debacle and the Kuggeleijn trial, were men attacking women, and people were all ‘boys will be boys’ and ‘what was she expecting’.
You are addressing a social problem, that’s sparked by sportsmen to be specific. I know that’s like saying “not all men” but frankly, making something as cliche as that into a hash tag isn’t helpful ether.
So are men empowered to behave violently towards women becouse social norms go unchecked? There is a bit of research which I don’t have at hand which studyed the formation of traditional patched gangs in New Zealand. The research says in simple, that they where a product of the borstal system. I don’t doubt you already know this, but I’m going to say it anyway, men are expected to defend themself, it’s not socially acceptable to be a victim, some people don’t understand how it’s even possible. Joining a gang and asserting dominance over weaker people is obviously a sencable way to shore up your sence of social acceptability if you live in a prison environment.
I’m saying that the male demographic that’s attracted to joining contact sport teams such as rugby league in particular, might feel a strong sence of social responcability to be top dog. Not unlike the patched gangs. I suggest some of the violence directed at women by sportsmen is connected to a fear of being seen to be an underdog in the eyes of the pack, (celebrity society) due to unsubstantiated fear of becomeing outcast, vulnerable and at risk of being victimised, both physically and phycologicaly by what every corner of society they perceive themselves to be fighting to survive.
#notallmen is a derailing tactic. Stay on topic.
Seen as how you introduced it to this thread, did you want to talk about it?
As you know, I know, and plenty of other men know more or less how it feels to be in that strippers shoes. And pretty much how it feels to be subjected to every other form of violence you described. Why make such a strongly gendered argument about it? What are you wanting to achieve?
My analogy wasn't actually that.
I’m not worried about low readings due to (possible) use. But I wasn’t going to be all “she’ll be right” and ignore the possibility of contamination. I simply did not know. I wanted to know.
Do you have asbestos in any of your houses?