Cracker by Damian Christie

Of Dogs and Cats and Birds and Bacon

I know my birthday is still, like, ages away, but you’ll need time to save. Maybe pass round a virtual hat, because one way or another, this little beauty is going to be stinking out my bedroom come March…

If you have any issues remembering what day it is, it's exactly nine months for the day baby Jesus was born. Annunciation Day, the Catholics call it. "The Day the Virgin Mary Got Some from God", I prefer.

This is something I've been thinking about for a while, what with it being my birthday and all. I mean, if you were Joseph, how gutted would you be? Your fiancé is a virgin –sweet– and then the first person she does it with is God? I often imagine how that conversation would have gone at the Christ household the next morning.

"So, um, you stayed out late last night"

"Yeeeeeah. About that. I was, well, I was with someone else."

"I bloody KNEW it. Who was he?"

"Well, it's more like He"


"It was God, Joseph, God."

“Yeah right… it was that fucking Simon of Nazareth wasn’t it? I’ve seen the way he looks at you…”

“No, Joseph I swear, it was God.”

“Shit. I see. Hmm. So, was he, better than me?”

“What do you mean? We’ve 'never had sex' remember?”

“Sure, right, you just keep telling yourself that. And I suppose you’re still going to keep calling yourself ‘Virgin Mary’ after this latest God-shagging incident too? As far as nicknames go, I’ve gotta say Mary, it’s getting a bit tenuous, and those business cards you got made up at that vending machine ain’t fooling nobody. So was he better than me?”

“Joseph, it was God, what do you think?”

Damn that’s cold woman. I think I preferred it when you used to fob me off by saying ‘it wasn’t better, it was just different’. I hope you were safe at least. Did you make him wear a sheep intestine?”

“Yeeeeeah. About that…”

And before anyone tries to accuse me of being blasphemous, it’s all right there in the Bible. Well, sort of. But even this Brethren article backs me up, and if it’s alright with the Brethren then far be it from a simple atheist like me to say otherwise.

Sticking with the animal theme (remember this all started because I want a WakeNBacon for my birthday), here are a couple of websites you really should waste an hour or so perusing if you have the time:

Beedogs just gets better the further you wade through it, while blurs the line between cute and disturbing (“Oh, isn’t he just the most adorable fluffy little genocidal maniac!”)

Do any Cracker readers have pets that resemble fascist dictators? Please send your photos via the usual channels.

As Forest & Bird and DOC point out, cats aren’t exactly the most innocent of animals anyway. Well mine is, he’s far too big-boned to be a threat to anything other than my landlord’s carpet. So I was quite excited to see a new range of nicely packaged catfood at the supermarket, with flavours such as Fantail, Tui and Skink. Why should Tonka miss out on sampling such delicacies merely because he’s a great lumbering oaf of a cat, rather than a nimble hunting machine?

Sadly, it turns out it’s a marketing campaign by the Greater Wellington Regional Council, telling us something about cats. The details escape me. Much like skinks escape Tonka.

Maybe I’ll get him a WakeNBacon for his birthday too.