Cracker by Damian Christie


I interviewed Ans Westra for my bFM show on Sunday.

Those of you in Auckland must get along to the Auckland Art Gallery to see "Handboek", the exhibition.

Those of you who aren't in Auckland could do a lot worse than shelling out for a copy of the beautifully produced book of the same name. At around $60, it's a steal.

Anyway, the interview went great–such an incredible woman–so I'll try and find the time over the next week to transcribe it for your reading pleasure.

Until then, a few ways I've kept myself entertained recently.

1. I've started casually dropping the phrase "of your earth" into conversation.

It works best when placed immediately before a unit of measurement. For example:

"Are you going to be long on the phone?"

"I'll probably only be about ten of your earth minutes"

"You're such a geek."


"You're looking good, have you lost weight?"

"I don't think so, I still weigh about eighty of your earth kilos."



2. When I'm finished in the bathroom, I fold the end of the toilet paper into a wee point, like they do in flash hotels.

My theory, as yet unproven, is that this will fool people at work/my house/restaurants into thinking they have unexpectedly ended up in a flash hotel toilet. Though this could explain why my soap and shampoo keeps going missing from the bathroom.

Next I'm going to leave origami sunglasses lying around like these guys.

3. I've been quietly championing the term "sweet-bix", as coined by a friend of mine (or so she says). Use in place of "sweet as" or similar:

"Are you at home? I'm coming round to give you those twenty of your earth dollars I borrowed last week"

"You are? Sweet-bix!"

"Sweet-bix indeed."

If "Sweet-bix" ever makes it on to nationwide television, I'll be happy, happy man. Mr Campbell, I'm looking in youse fullas direction…