Posts by Heather Gaye
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Hard News: Rape and unreason, in reply to Dylan Reeve,
Righto, I feel like everyone’s putting forward identical opinions – telling women not to go out at night feeds into *exactly* the idea that all men are rapists – but that you’re complaining about a particular message you’re hearing that noone here is actually putting forward (or agrees with). But also maybe there’s been no acknowledgement that there might be more severe messages you’ve been subject to that are actually quite offensive…?
But I think a message that equates to “men, don’t rape” is somehow implicitly endorsing the idea that not raping is not the normal condition, that it requires some level of conditioning or restraint. It doesn’t.
That said, I think what everyone’s trying to say isn’t that rape is “normal” (common, yes, but not “normal”), but that enthusiastic consent isn’t. We’re living in a society where the convention has for a long time been that men are expected to pursue sex and women are expected to be the protectors of their chastity. So much stuff, from restrictive abortion rights, to the opprobrium heaped on single mothers, can be traced back to this idea that a woman that has sex outside the most stern of social prescriptions has failed in her one significant obligation.
In the other corner, it sets up the expectation in a *lot* of men (and perhaps you don’t know any of them) that when they first want to have sex with a woman they’re going to have to “compete” against her “natural” defense of her chastity, in order to get what they want – basically that it’s normal to have to convince a woman to sleep with them. This is where the line between sex and rape gets blurred, since the guy already has expectations of some resistance. For what it’s worth, the obligation of women to be “hard-to-get” – (not appear too eager at risk of being known as a slut and thus being told (eventually) that she probably wanted anything any guy ever did to her) messes things up even further, declining sex when they do actually want it, with the presumption that the guy will persevere, so they can wait for a suitable amount of effort before they defer.
This is changing, and it’s not entirely universal, and that’s great, but I think this is the issue that the women here are challenging – that every guy needs to be aware of the social conditions that have caused that line to blur. If you’re nowhere near the line, then gold star for you.
The one thing I took issue to is your comments about sometimes explicit consent isn't feasible: well, that’s a cultural thing and I’d actually like to see that change. I recently read an article (probably linked from someone here, actually) about how women don’t get the chance to say “yes” enough. Standard picture for sex is that people just start smooching on the couch, no talking, he starts trying his luck. Default is they have sex in the perfect non-talky sexy way we see in the media, but if not, onus is on the woman to tell the man to slow down. Article basically suggested that hey, wouldn’t it be awesome – for both people – if there was more of “hey, do you like that? do you want me to..? how bad do you want it?” and have your partner tell you how much they’re really into it?
I think when people start complaining about “consent”, the naysayers have a picture in their head of a guy on bended knee saying “May I have your permission to touch your boob” or some nonsense like that. There was an amazing pilot scheme in NZ a few years back for upper high school / university students (I think it eventually lost funding), pushing the concept of ethical relationships and enthusiastic consent. The idea was to counter this notion of men as pursuers and women as defenders in favour of the model where sex is something that two people actively pursue together (or three people, or eight-and-a-gimp, whatever suits, although I doubt the permutations were part of the programme). Utopia!
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Hard News: A Public Address public appeal, in reply to Islander,
AMAZING, thankyou! Signed, please?
My one regret is that my mum's not still around for me to show it off to. She was an avid reader, would've been super-stoked. I read her copy a few years back & loved it.
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Hard News: A Public Address public appeal, in reply to Islander,
Interested, if it's still going. Are you taking bids? Or is it first in best dressed?
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Sweet! Are we doing this now? I saw Esther Stephens at the Wine Cellar last week. I love her.
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Hard News: Friday Music: History, motherfuckers, in reply to Dean Papa,
...the next day he will invariably regale his audience with the dirt he, and his team of trusty helpers working tirelessly overnight, have dug up on said troublesome guest
digging up dirt? So in this case you mean... his other reviews?
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Hard News: Friday Music: History, motherfuckers, in reply to John Russell,
My current rule of thumb when reading his work is (literally, this is true) to assume that he is 100% wrong.
I have to say, one of the very few pieces I've read that was positive, he was writing about Regurgitator. I was mortified.
..& yeah, he wrote about Dresden Dolls, which got pretty awkward for everyone involved when Amanda Palmer responded to the review. http://amandapalmer.net/blog/wellington-journalist-absolutely-trashes-our-gig/
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Hard News: Friday Music: History, motherfuckers, in reply to Heather Gaye,
I'm a bit busy to engage much further though, I need to go paint my nails and listen to Taylor Swift.
.. Ach! wait - scratch that - computer programming job / Regurgitator. I guess that's how you can tell an aggressive feminist! Man brains. Pity I don't have a penis, then people would be able to take me seriously.
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Hard News: Friday Music: History, motherfuckers, in reply to Danielle,
Indeed, that weird line between awkward & entertaining, like kitchen nightmares, except fake.
I'm a bit busy to engage much further though, I need to go paint my nails and listen to Taylor Swift.
I do feel kind of sorry for Sweetman now though, standing defenceless against the ravening lesbian horde of doom, bummer that all he's got is Dean Papa as his wing man.
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This is great theatre, but maybe it's time to stop feeding the troll.
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Hard News: Friday Music: History, motherfuckers, in reply to Dean Papa,
He is defenceless in the face of a vicious and angry bullying mob
Hahahaha classic! Has someone stolen his keyboard? Or bludgeoned him with one?
...were you gang on nzmusic.com?