Posts by BenWilson
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Hard News: The Orcon Great Blend 2011 in…, in reply to Rich Lock,
A handy visual identification guide for anyone who wants to know what Ben looks like.
Where's the pipe?
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Emma Hart,
Also, it is possible that my experience is atypical, and people just tell me stuff.
Probable, even. I think the fact that you go first helps a lot.
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Emma Hart,
See, interesting, because I tend to consider talking about sex pretty much a waste of time unless it’s in a mixed group, and the more mixed (by gender, sexual preference, etc) the better.
That's cool too, I don't disagree. I just think that you get some pretty interesting insights when you take away some of the people too. Some things are really quite shameful to talk about in some company. For instance, how many people on your last thread on prostitution spoke of their own personal experiences? I seriously doubt there are none to be had outside of myself anywhere amongst the thousands of readers and hundreds of contributors on PAS. And I sure as heck only brushed the surface of my own experiences before discretion became the better part of valor.
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Emma Hart,
One thing you realise when doing a lot of reading about and mixing with BDSM and polyamorous people is that the practice of talking about things in a much more explicit manner than most vanilla couples do is really useful.
It's one of the most useful things about reading your work, too. Your frankness on sexual matters makes for a much deeper look at a lot of things. Let's face it, no matter how politely we're all talking, sex is on our minds a lot, like an elephant in the room.
I'd also have to say that it's one of the things that guys most get out of each other's company sometimes, to be able to speak their thoughts about sex, thoughts that could be extremely unpalatable in the company of women (I'm talking only about male hetero society here, don't know how it is outside). It can be extremely healthy to realize that one is not a weird pervert sometimes. I presume other groups have similar confidants? It's often amusing to hear girls come back from a girl's night out a bit shocked at the things the other girls say and think. I'm usually doubtful that it's worse than the complementary boys night out, but I have no yardstick at all. Would make an interesting comparison.
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Lilith __,
And Ben, yeah, I think counsellors are a mixed bunch of people, the bad or unsuitable ones can do more harm than good.
Totally. I guess that's my main reservation - mostly counseling is about helping yourself, something to bear in mind at all times. The Catholic marriage counseling was only good when it was to that end, and that was the only end in it that I allowed. When it was preachy and judgmental, I either switched off or had a bit of a laugh arguing with them until they stopped. I like to think that they were trying to help, and when they found what it was they could offer that helped, they were on fire. It's a learning experience for them, too, after all. If I helped convince a couple of old Catholics that I valued some of their ideas and thought some of the others were foolish, that's a win. It helps the next couple to come along too.
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The counseling I'm doing currently is career stuff, but it's quite interesting how many parallels there are between work and love. They both involve investing a lot of your time and mental/emotional energy into them. They can both change. You can be wrong about both of them. They both go to your self-image, and sense of worth. They can also end up fighting each other for you.
I'm currently dating for a job. I met a nice job, but she just wanted a bit too long of an apprenticeship to her ways, and I couldn't get enthused about what it is she does. Pity, she was nicely renumerated, and seemed very well organized. Perhaps just a little too organized. And she lives in Albany. I'm sure there's another one out there...
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Emma Hart,
Yes, there's always a tension between what one wants and what is practical. Undying love is a lovely idea, an excellent subject for fiction, usually the tragic kind. The more common kind, involving flawed humans with changing lives and minds, involves a lot of muddling along.
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Lilith __,
True, I usually forget that. But I'm not aiming to lecture or counsel you, just to speak publicly about my perceptions of counseling (which I'm going through now, so it's fresh in the mind).
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Lilith __,
Without getting unduly personal, I'd love to know if that's the case!
Me too, actually, I've often wondered about that.
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Up Front: How About Now?, in reply to Lilith __,
I'm sure relationship counselling can help bring these issues out in the open.
If the parties going in are actually trying to make it work, yes. Counselors can't help people who don't actually want to be helped. Well, not much, anyway.
But if I had known that his commitment was conditional, it would have saved a lot of pain.
This is such a tricky area. I've written hundreds of words that I've just now deleted, because it could be too personal for you. Essentially, I agree, but you've set up a conditional there too. If you had known. Counseling isn't magic and can't predict the future. All it can do is get you talking about some things that can be hard to raise, or you might just not have thought of.
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