Hard News by Russell Brown

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Hard News: A revolting piece of shit

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  • Yamis,

    I always visit the supermarket before going to the movies. Cheap lollies and drink. Also avoid going to the movies in the weekend. Plus then there's those vouchers or two for tuesday type deals etc.

    On a more serious note though, some more Jack Handey:
    * At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

    * One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

    * I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

    Since Nov 2006 • 879 posts Report Reply

  • Islander,

    O shit Yamis - after a rather nasty day, you've just made me laugh out loud (notice the care taken in spelling that out? Appreciation? Yea!)

    Big O, Mahitahi, Te Wahi … • Since Feb 2007 • 5643 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    Talk about revolting pieces of shit. Check out these gems.

    Deceptikonz, formerly the darlings of the kiwi hiphop set have increasingly found the market has moved on from aping mindless american gangterism towards house and inflected stuff with the likes of Akon and Kid Cudi teaming up with David Guetta or Flo-rida revisiting classic italo house riffs and Lil wayne collaborating with Kevin Rudolf. So D*konz thought they'd give it a crack.

    Alphrisk now known as Frisko was first, with a lame attempt that more than anything, in combination with P moneys latest effort, may have nailed the coffin shut on Aaradhnas brief career.

    and then we have Devolo following up 'too shy', his initial foray into cheesy post hardcore hiphop, submitting us to some next level wackness in the form of pining for bogan white chicks over a shitty guitar riff.

    Now you gotta ask yourself. WHAT THE FUCK are those clowns at NZoA funding this shit for ?...especially at the expense of 'homebrew' who couldn't get a grant.

    Do the judging panel not have any idea of whos good or who's relevent in the hiphop world and deserving of some shine or do they just not know a shit song when they hear it and fund the label based on past track record ?

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Those are appalling

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16838 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    I'd say that the former is merely dull. The latter is just dire; a really unappealing track in so many ways...

    ...but I don't see any NZOA badges on it.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Christopher Dempsey,

    Hmmm. The former is, as 3410 said, dull. The latter is well, dull.

    There is a NZOA badge at the beginning of the second video.

    I'd rather that my tax dollars were spent on NZOA setting up a school where it was compulsory for wannabe's to learn a smidgen of literature, a token of culture (for instance, the first song, 'Music makes the world go around' could be improved with the use of oh, the Samoan word for World being substituted), and a dollop of the quality gene.

    Sigh. The silver lining is that dross only makes the gems really really shine.

    Parnell / Tamaki-Auckland… • Since Sep 2008 • 642 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Nah, beyond dull - just wrong in so many ways. I'm with Robbie on that. It's a waste of scarce funding that does nothing for our cultures and does not even reflect who those performers are or where they come from.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16838 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    There is a NZOA badge at the beginning of the second video.

    Right you are. Blink and you'd miss it. Gotta agree with Robbie here. It does make you wonder whether some people's ears are painted on.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Perhaps they're pop rock ears

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16838 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    Thanx Sacha and 3410.... now i'm gonna tee right off so stand clear.

    Those tunes are the perfect example of what is and was always wrong with NZoA playing the short game in funding wannabe popstars at the expense of songs/tunes with genuine artistic merit, perhaps no immediate commercial appeal but over time become memorable for capturing and reflecting a snapshot of an era or a kiwi take on a genre.

    The example here being Deceptikonz, playing cheesy popmeisters and selling out their roots specifically to get funding for airplay.

    Except not only has the internet changed the way the game is played, but increasingly radio and TV broadcasters to which NZoA criteria specifies your song appeals to, is not how most of the demographic, said popstars try to appeal to, access music.

    They're more than likely to rip audio from youtube or search out promo leaks before the stuff ever gets to radio or TV.

    The supposed immediate appeal of fly by night pop songs is thereby eroded to the point where, by the time the song hits the airwaves its well past its use by date so not only does no one want to hear it in the short term, but because it lacks long term appeal, no one will want to see it in 1 2 5 or 10 years time.

    Now seems as good a time as any for my pet rant given that we're coming up to NZ music month. Traditionally a time for backslapping and educating the wannabes on the intricacies of the industry, only the industry is in such turmoil that those at the top are the ones who need educating more.

    Given that, we can still expect a taxpayer funded round of music managers forums telling people nothing they couldn't find out by more experienced people in a one minute google. Only if these expert managers were any good , they wouldn't be getting peanuts for talking to nooobs about dumbass shit, they'd be out there in the real world pimping their artists like their livelihood depended on it.

    And then maybe we can expect some fact finding survey to form some sort of 'where to form here' perspective whereby Brendan Smyth would want other people to come up with good ideas for him so he can be seen to be down with the street to his overlords and contnue troughing it up at our expense while feeding us more mindless shit like those 2 tunes.

    Instead, how about an honest and independent perfomance evaluation on the state of NZ music and videos as effected by 10 years under Brendans stewardship. A hit and miss of where are they now artists/songs who have been given funding but failed to warrant it and have added nothing of value to the scene, the music, the art and the culture of NZ music ?

    Should be easy enough to do . Just access the APRA logs and see how past NZoA many pop tunes are still generating airplay and how much airplay current funded tunes get and translate that into advertising revenue and artist royalties ?

    Then start to wonder how is it that the selection panel can and has funded so many clangers and abominations, how can their taste be so bad and how is it that they get selected to be on a panel deciding who has value or not in the first place ?...and wonder why Mr Smyth has veto power to shaft a label/tune/artist for funding maybe just on a whim cos he feels they aren't kissing his arse enough ?

    I know i'm not alone in thinking this but those who have the power to question and change are also subject to the whims of NZoA funding and aren't likely to say anything to jeopardise their continued support.

    OK, now say what you like about sour grapes and pissing of the 'big' man but what i've said is what i said in the beginning. So if you like your tax dollars going to fund this shit then keep supporting the current lot by keeping your mouth shut and enjoy your pop crap substituting as music.

    ...ahhh that felt good. I'd blog it personally but i dont want to foul my own up with such negativity :)

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    Synchronicitously i just checked my emails and see this in 'The Big Idea' regarding Creative NZ...

    http://www.thebigidea.co.nz/news/industry-news/2010/apr/68601-recurrent-funding-review-making-tough-decisions

    Thats what NZ on Air needs. Someone to independently put them under a microscope and hold a mirror up to some of its practises and personell...

    ...followed by a cleanout with the redundancy broom.

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • chris,

    I must agree with you Robbie, as I'm sure you knew I would. I can't watch the videos there, and God pbless the firewall for that. NZOA is way out of step with the market.

    Looking at the 48 hour film festival there were 650 teams last year, which obviously amounts to a vast amount of talent. There must be a fair number of excellent teams experienced in working on minimum budget, weened to produce bang for buck out of necessity, for whom a $1000-2000 video grant could make or break their careers.

    More videos, a better use of resources, and a refocusing of the spotlight on the number 8 wire, the nouse and the wider talent pool both musically and videowise, would be a better distribution model. Just one suggestion, above all, as you maintain, it's time to remodel that beast for the internet age.

    中国 • Since Jan 2010 • 900 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    More videos, a better use of resources, and a refocusing of the spotlight on the number 8 wire, the nouse and the wider talent pool both musically and videowise, would be a better distribution model. [...] it's time to remodel that beast for the internet age.

    Spot on, Chris.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    Cheers Chris, although I dont think working to a Number 8 wire philosophy is the answer.

    I was part of Christchurch team a few years ago that came second in a 48 hr challenge. We should have won but the txt voting was always gonna massively favour the team from Auckland despite us having the far superior product :)

    But without the sacrifice and compromising of skills, time, talent and energy plus begging, borrowing, using and abusing some pro facilities and gear we wouldn't have had that shiny superior product. The point is we did it for fun.

    In developing a commericial product though, like a pro music vid with its potential for generating royalties and adding cultural/artistic value we wouldn't do it for fun or experience and it would be unreasonable to expect us to. We'd be selling ourselves short and doing a massive disservice to our crafts and professions in settling for mediocrity on a shoestring budget.

    I do have a few ideas on how better to remodel the beast for the internet age and redefine criteria for funding and selection but i'm fucked if i'm gonna spit it out here for the weasels at NZoA to co-opt without some sort of clear out i hope will come with the current gov'ts focus on changing the public service landscape.

    As much as i can be an online dipshit. I've still done some shit and know some shit enough to still be taken seriously in some circles as a ridulously talented but flawed individual worthy of token respect...heh

    Funnily enough i havent heard anything about cuts to arts and culture which i thought would have been first for the chop given it was Aunty Helen's pet portfolio. Has there been a changing of the guard i'm not aware of or is it still the same cabal running tings at CNZ and NZoA ?

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • 3410,

    although I dont think working to a Number 8 wire philosophy is the answer.

    It's not an either/or proposition, I guess, but I sometimes wonder whether the point is to nurture and promote the *culture* or the *industry*.

    Auckland • Since Jan 2007 • 2618 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    i havent heard anything about cuts to arts and culture which i thought would have been first for the chop

    Te Budget on 20 May will surely have to contain cuts to such "low quality" spending if they really add up to $1.8b.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16838 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    I sometimes wonder whether the point is to nurture and promote the *culture* or the *industry*.

    No it's not from NZoA's perspective. Their brief is to churn out dumbed down pop filler for the broadcasters to slot their ads around.

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • chris,

    Number 8 wire philosophy and mediocrity are mutually exclusive Robbie, I think the video this thread has promoted is ample evidence of this, it all came down to the concept, if you can't get slickness with a quality camera which can be hired within that price range, then that's a measure of cinematographic skill. Simply put, the competition is 100,000s of videos on the internet, and generally speaking, the winners are not winners by virtue of their slickness but by their conceptual invention, by their awesomeness. that is the number 8 wire mentality that truly defines NZ.

    Based on the NZOA grants, secure a record deal. ie. as a stepping stone, not as an end in itself. If levels are required then tier the system so that following reasonable success with a $2000 you're eligible for a $5000 and so on, but ultimately I don't think their is any sense in setting up a video making system (in a country with 650 video teams) where the springboard is offered to the few not the many.

    the NZOA grants will never be enough to compete (in terms of slickness with major label releases), so why fool ourselves that this or that sum will covert it, we want videos, and we want a wider representation of the talent on offer. The nuances of the internet will decide the rest.

    but then again, I don't really have much of a clue other than I'm dead certain that advancing $5000 for a video grant without requesting any details on the video concept etc (or even if there is any) really highlights what naive muppets the NZOA and all ministers who've ever been associated with this system are. Because a song is not a video, and the ability to write a good song is no indication of the ability to make a good video. They might as well just draw names out of a hat in terms of deciding which group could make the most relevant videos, and I'm sure if they did, they'd have a great success percentage than they currently do with their repetitive favoritism.

    中国 • Since Jan 2010 • 900 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    If you're going to tier funding, it'd be more like $20k for the second tier.

    not winners by virtue of their slickness but by their conceptual invention

    So how about we focus on fostering writers and directors, not on the slick production talents we already have.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16838 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    Werd Chris...Muppets as a wholely appropriate metaphor for having someones hand up your arse making your mouth move while the words are coming from someone else.

    With regards to NZoA. Its seriously time for Brendan to move into the private sector and see if his A& R chops are as good as he thinks they are. Maybe start a label and put his own money where his mouth is.

    ...and yeah for all the distaste of the original vid in question, it was shit hot in that it really did portray the hate, menace and chilling violence a bit too well.

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • chris,

    Its seriously time for Brendan to move into the private sector and see if his ...chops are as good as he thinks they are.

    agreed, For ten years +, Brendon Smyth has overseen a video grants scheme with enough checks and balances in place to allow, were Stevie Wonder to apply for and receive a grant, that he could shoot it himself.

    So I wouldn't buy a boat made by the guy. And I mean no offense to Stevie Wonder, perhaps he could shoot an awesome video.

    中国 • Since Jan 2010 • 900 posts Report Reply

  • Robbie Siataga,

    BTW...in that 'rocker girl' video, Mareko says a line...

    "rock star, graduated from the school of rock, need me a rock girl, hot girl, courtney cox, rock girl"

    only thing is, as somebody points out, Courtney Cox is the girl who plays Monica on friends, Courtney Love is a rock singer...

    ...so when he gets pulled up on it, he says and i quote

    shot peoples, yeah its supposed to be courtney love. didnt notice it til after the shit was done. Who cares they both eat brown cock anyways dont they?

    Seriously, if NZoA are gonna fund hiphop then for fucks sake dont fund mysoginists who fantasize about hurting women, sell out rappers looking to collect some easy cheddar and a bit of head or convicted sex offenders.

    How out of touch are these clowns on the selection panel and how ineffectual is Brendan Smyth by allowing this shit to perpetuate on his watch ?

    The guy needs to move on cos he's beyond a joke. People are just taking the piss now and he's too stupid to realise.

    Since Feb 2010 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    Missed opportunity to claim cunning songwriting - Courtney Cox is the young woman Bruce Springsteen pulls on stage in the music vid for Dancing in the Dark.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 16838 posts Report Reply

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