Cracker by Damian Christie

64

The Harvard Centre for Self Evident Studies

Attuned as I am to the plight of new mothers, it was with some interest I recently read about a study carried out by Harvard Medical School.

The study looked at factors that would help (or hinder) new mothers from losing their post-baby pounds. And it came to four starting conclusions:

1. The more time you spend on the couch watching TV, the less likely you are to lose weight.

2. On the other hand, if you exercise every day, you are more likely to lose weight.

3. The more fatty food you consume… the more weight you lose. Nah, just kidding – the study shows that eating fatty foods will actually hinder your ability to lose weight gained during pregnancy!

4. The effects of these activities are cumulative. Therefore by consuming fewer fatty foods, exercising regularly and not sitting on your arse all day watching telly, you’ll lose even more weight than just doing one of those things!

Harvard Medical School. I shit you not. Diet ‘n’ Exercise eh, who’d have thunk it?

Now I’m no scientician, but I’m going to take a huge leap here and say that the same logic could be applied to, guess what… almost all weight loss! Don’t tell study author Dr Emily Oken, but I reckon other people might already be on to this too. I’ll ask around tonight when I’m at the gym.

I’m wondering how much funding the good Dr Oken got to carry out this study, and whether the likes of you and I could get a bit of cash thrown at us for similarly studies. I have a few hypotheses I’d like to test below:

1. Being really good looking and uber-rich increases your chance of getting laid.

2. Fast runners have a better chance of winning athletics events than slow runners.

3. Fundamentalist Christians really aren’t very bright.

4. JFK was killed by... a bullet.

5. There may not be life on other planets, but there almost certainly are other planets.

6. Most bloggers need to get out more.

…and of course your submissions are welcome over at the System.

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