Cracker by Damian Christie

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Cracker: The Harvard Centre for Self Evident Studies

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  • Sarah Wedde,

    In regards to pregnancy and weight loss, I've heard that giving birth helps you lose weight--often as much as 6-8 pounds! Woah, almost sounds too good to be true.

    One I'd like to get funding for:

    I have this hypothesis that if I eat lots of chocolate every day--possibly the stuff that Bennetts of Mangawhai makes, but I'm open to all options--I'll put on weight. Some radical and innovative thinking there huh? Obviously a study that needs to be undertaken as soon as possible.

    Lower Hutt • Since Nov 2006 • 66 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    One I heard last year was some guy from the Met Service predicting that temperatures would be warmer over the summer months.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    Although thinking about it, he was partly wrong.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Nobody Important,

    Now I'm no scientician ...

    Hey! Now that's a word I can use!

    Scientician

    Love it! It's right up there with Truthiness!

    expat • Since Mar 2007 • 319 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    I believe that the lower-cut the top I wear and the pushier-up the bra, the less people look me in the face. I'd like a grant to study this, but I believe it's already been done.

    Last night I went to our school speech finals, and listened to a twelve year old boy state that evolution was demonstrably rubbish because men have one fewer rib than women. I'd like to know how much of that the average liberal can absorb before the back of their head explodes.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Richard Llewellyn,

    I always love the (seemingly annual) 'No Shit Sherlock' studies that announce that university students drink an awful lot of alcohol.

    Mt Albert • Since Nov 2006 • 399 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    Emma, are you serious? Please tell me you're joking, because I can feel the intracranial pressure building already,

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Damian Christie,

    Nobody - I'd love to take credit, but I think I stole it from Homer J.

    Emma - I have to admit that I did just have to check that no, in fact we do all have the same number of ribs. It's funny how that sort of guff can get stuck in your brain when you're little and you forget to actually check its validity when you get older. Not that I've ever delivered a speech about ribs before that would (one would imagine) necessitate a moment's research...

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1164 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Study Finds Women who Drink More Fun to Study

    Stephen, I wish I was. I fumed all the way home, stood the kids in front of the monitor and looked it up on Wikipedia. "LOOK! Twenty-four! Don't let any other fecker tell you different!" They hadn't, of course, actually been listening at any point, but it made me feel better.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • B Jones,

    Could be worse - I remember a teacher telling me the rib thing back in the 80s. And it wasn't in front of my parents so they couldn't quickly redeem the misinformation.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 976 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    * * * * * * * * * * * *
    * * sPLAT!!!!!!!! * *
    * * * * * * * * * * * *

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    *checks watch* Seventeen minutes, not bad.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Damian Christie,

    Shit they're everywhere. This from the NZPA via the Manawatu Standard: "We're Copycats"

    "Researchers at the University of Durahm in the north of England studied the popularity of baby names, music and even dog breeds in an attempt to gain an insight into what drives fashions and trends in popular culture.

    "__Not Surprisingly__ they found that trends are driven by a small number of "innovators", usually celebrities, and followed by the majority."

    Stop the Press. Innovators, or 'trend setters', set trends. And the rest of us follow...

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1164 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    I believe that the lower-cut the top I wear and the pushier-up the bra, the less people look me in the face. I'd like a grant to study this, but I believe it's already been done.

    Desperado wannabees, really shallow men, check out the face first, and if she's real pretty, THEN the chest.

    Last night I went to our school speech finals, and listened to a twelve year old boy state that evolution was demonstrably rubbish because men have one fewer rib than women. I'd like to know how much of that the average liberal can absorb before the back of their head explodes.

    Last one I went to (and it was the last, because they stretched the evening out till nearly midnight & I was incensed), some kid devoted her speech to why America should invade pretty much the entire middle east. Pretty sure the teachers didn't fit that one up. Oh, and it was before Dubya had even sent the boys into Afghanistan.

    Actually, now I think about it, the chief film censor was there that night, and I recall he guffawed loudly at a very inappropriate moment. Hilarious.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    "Not Surprisingly they found that trends are driven by a small number of "innovators", usually celebrities, and followed by the majority."

    This still does not explain how come there were so many "kylies" about even before Minogue hit the scene.

    Something that has troubled me for decades.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • rodgerd,

    I believe that the lower-cut the top I wear and the pushier-up the bra, the less people look me in the face. I'd like a grant to study this, but I believe it's already been done.

    I'm more than happy to act as one of the observers in this study.

    The thing is, though, you wouldn't have to look to far to find a plethora of people suggesting it's positively a crime against their human rights to suggest that the way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Sometimes getting people to study the bleedin' obvious can have some value.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 512 posts Report Reply

  • merc,

    Adam was molded out of clay, he had clay feet, that's why he didn't smack Cain for whacking Abel. Some Christians have been so affronted at this display of wussiness that they have rained vengeance on all and sundry since. This explains everything, except who is/ was God's Mother, and did She ever smack him?
    All this is true as I have heard from Hell.

    Since Dec 2006 • 2471 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    I'd like to do a study to see if the National Party rules in the interests of the rich at the expense of the poor. i feel a Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence coming on.

    the best weight loss to be had by far comes from either contracting cancer, or having someone close to you having terminal cancer. it's a sure winner on the road to being a skeletor.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    I'd like to do a study to see if the National Party rules in the interests of the rich at the expense of the poor.

    Interestingly, GD over at Kiwiblog today admitted that over the last few decades, he has prospered more under a Labour government than under National.

    So far no poor have offered their experience.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    yeah there's plenty of economic evidence to show the economy in general does better under Labour governments, so honest business people genrally do better too.

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • Ben Austin,

    I'd like some ca$h (see what I did there?) to study just how deeply the Simpson's has colonised the part of the brain that looks for examples or witticisms.

    I'll need some assistants, preferably ones that are either EU citizens of culturally distinct regions (preferably in the EU15, not the new guys, soz), US Defence Dept cleared and who have Web 2.0 savy. That way I should have my funding secure.

    London • Since Nov 2006 • 1022 posts Report Reply

  • Damian Christie,

    The Simpsons have totally secured that part of my brain Ben. That's part of the beauty of the Simpsons, one needn't look any further.

    I remember pissing a friend of mine off one day by seeing how many things we encountered I could relate to a Simpsons episode.

    He made me stop way before I ran out of examples, which was a really shame, especially when my worm went in my mouth and then I ate it and Miss Hoover wouldn't give me a new one, quickly followed by someone threatening to release the dogs or the bees or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you.

    That was quite a day, I tell ya.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1164 posts Report Reply

  • Riddley Walker,

    mmm, that part of my brain... gggggggrrhh

    AKL • Since Feb 2007 • 890 posts Report Reply

  • Neil Morrison,

    I enjoy a good laugh at silly research too but something about this doesn't ring true. It really is too obvious. I'd like to read the actual research article. The author, Dr. Emily Oken, appears to be interested in weight gain and pregnancy in general and here's a report on Pregnancy weight gain affects toddlers' health which I imagine is pretty useful research.

    So maybe the research on post-partum weight loss makes a bit more sense in the full context of Oken's research.

    Since Nov 2006 • 932 posts Report Reply

  • Ben Austin,

    Now in hindsight that was a rather catty comment. My apologies.

    London • Since Nov 2006 • 1022 posts Report Reply

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