Island Life by David Slack

57

A 'music buff' is a stereo type

So you’re thinking of hiring a caucasian. Good choice! These people have many uses around the vineyard. They invented the printing press, the age of reason, indoor plumbing and biscotti, and although they can’t dance to save themselves, they can make entertaining conversation if you fill them up with a cheap chardonnay.

Caucasians come in a variety of types. You’ll need to get to know them.

For example:

Thick, well-groomed head of blow-dryed hair.
This type is no good around the vats. Won’t wear a net.

White shining teeth, big grin.
Could make a useful maitre d’, if you give them a tight script.

Hangs about with lifesavers, gets photo taken in speedos.
You'll find they spend too much time in the changing room if you let them get away with it, but they'll be good at putting in a strainer post or hanging a gate.

Never married.
Good at designing dresses and coordinating weddings. Can deal with all the phone calls from brides and their mothers - “Yes, our vineyard is fabulous for weddings. Oh, it never rains in Marlborough” etc.

Experienced television presenter.
TV types are best suited to simple methodical tasks, preferably something other than customer relations; they tend to be indiscreet.

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