Radiation by Fiona Rae

Do programmes like Andromeda exist to make other programmes like The O.C. look good? How about this little gem from last week’s Andromeda on Sky 1, the show that Kevin Sorbo swapped Hercules’ leather pants for: “The universe is alive with life!” proclaimed some spooky alien chick with shiny makeup. Kev: “And death too.”

The universe is alive with death? R-i-iiii-ght. By contrast, The O.C. (TV2 Friday night) was funny, clever and self-referential in that post-90210 way that Aaron Spelling never dreamed of. OC girl Summer was going ga-ga over the star of a TV show called “The Valley”, which starred a guy very much like her real boyfriend, Seth.

Seth is worried that if Summer has to chose between the TV-star him and the real him, she’d chose the TV-star version. Naturally, this leads to a party with strippers in LA after warnings from Seth’s father (“That town will eat you!”). Paris Hilton is there and has a conversation with Seth about Pynchon: “Gravity’s Rainbow is his masterpiece!” Heh heh. Now that’s funny.

Speaking of funnies, Angel has been hysterical, if you think a normally morose vampire with a soul singing “Oh Jasmine” along to the tune of “Mandy” is funny.

Thanks to Jolisa for pointing out this story about a reality show Bridezilla biting back. The June 11 Entertainment Weekly mentioned in that story also includes a rundown of the summer’s shows in the US – traditionally a time for dross, so a lot are reality. How about Extreme Dodgeball (okay, maybe that’s more like WWE); Into Character, where Ordinary Joes and Janes take part in re-enactments of their favourite films, like a triumphant run up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum, a la Rocky; and Next Action Star, which will manufacture, like American Idol, a movie star. The two winners, a man and a woman, take part in a TV movie exec-produced by Joel Silver. There’s also the Ashlee Simpson Show, in which Jessica’s lil’ sis makes a record.

In another twist on the genre, Joe Schmo 2 is a faux reality series, in which contestants think they’re on a dating show, but they’re surrounded by actors improvising as reality TV stereotypes like “the playa” and the “gotta-be-gay-guy”. Woah, that’s like Ali G or something.

There is one good thing – Graham Norton is doing a US version of his talk show. He told EW his dream guest would be Madonna, although the Madonna of about six years ago … “Kabbalah – how dull does that sound?”

And Jolisa also points out this hot news in the US, which will be of interest to Jeri Ryan (Seven of Nine) fans. Also, this story from the Washington Post.

Along with The Cuteness and Suzy Cato, there’s been a nomination for Hi-5 (“After all, it’s the reason Hi-5 videos sell,” says Robert.) This is beginning to sound like a perverted trend. I can see you guys at home: “Hey kids, let’s watch Hi-5!” “But Dad! We’re 23!”

Hannah really likes The Secret Life of Us too:

… far better than The Insiders Guide to Happiness. The Insiders ... is not bad for a locally-made program but they don't get it quite right like Secret Life. Anyway, if anyone else has a good collection of Secret Life I would love to borrow, as there are a few that I missed.

Ooh, The Insiders damned with faint praise. It is influenced by Secret Life (the writer said so in an interview), but I think it’s doing different things. Diana Wichtel said it right when she called it “television of unease”, an echo of Sam Neill’s phrase “cinema of unease”. We often do make melancholy film and TV and I like Insiders for it. Have you noticed the green lighting? Just to add to that sombre air.

Speaking of mad and melancholy, I’m thinking Perfect Strangers would have been better as a sort of Amelie-style comedy, rather than the barmy, unhinged love story it is. Ah well, Sam gets to star in his own cinema of unease story again.

Reasons to be cheerful: Black Books’ third series starts on July 8. Here’s an Observer story about Dylan Moran; and I have to guiltily admit to liking What Not to Wear, which returns July 9. Is it my imagination, or are there a lot of women around now with bootleg trousers, pointy shoes and short, tucked-in-at-the-waist jackets? It’s not a bad thing. They look nice. The Beeb website has an excellent guide to figuring out what to wear – just bang in your body shape and impress your friends and work colleagues with your stylishness.

Alex Kingston might have been complaining recently that she’s being shoved off ER for being too old, but she didn’t sound that peeved about it way back in February when I interviewed her. She should be counting her blessings anyway -- I know ER is one of our top raters, but god, it's gotten dull.

I don’t know why I bother with it really. I think it’s like my Coronation Street, which I don’t watch; it’s a soap. In fact, I missed it last week and, funnily enough, my life wasn’t in any way different. There was no sense of loss.

We can’t tell here, but in the US shows always do something exciting and big budget for the “May Sweeps” ratings period (it’s the same way you’ll see those crappy adds for radio stations on TV here – it’s because they’re in a ratings spell). Generally, that means someone dies or is seriously injured on ER (remember when Carter and Lucy got stabbed?). This year it was Romano, who got squashed under a helicopter, a real shame. In fact, he was treated badly all round – they could have kept on having scenery-chewing fun with Romano, made him fall in love with a hippy or something, but no, first it was dismemberment and then death by helicopter. They got rid of redneck desk clerk Frank recently too, but not without some redemption first. Ho hum.

If you really like reality TV, you’ll be pleased to know that TV3 is going to show not only The Swan, an extreme makeover-type show where the makeoverees get to compete in a beauty competition at the end, but My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé as well. An internet campaign was launched against the former. This website has all you ever need to know about reality shows. Enjoy.

If you really like cop shows, you’ll be pleased to know that Dick Wolf is adding to his stable of Law & Order spin-offs. Law & Order: Trial By Jury is set for early next year in the US. He told Entertainment Weekly that Law & Order is a brand, while CSI, which spinning-off as hard as it can too, is a franchise. Yes, Obi-Wan, I can see the difference.

Eschewing the usual television experience, I actually went to the rugby on the weekend, which was slightly surreal, at least at first – where’s the replays from 10 different angles? Where’s the half-time stats? Where’s Murray Mexted’s malapropisms? There are certain things about going to a game that you can guarantee: there’ll always be one idiot with one joke who keeps yelling it out throughout the entire game – in our case, it was a continual exhortation for England to “Go for the field goal”; there’ll always be someone wearing a “Bring Back the Biff” T-shirt – actually, someone in our party; and, in a crowd of 45,000 people, you’ll always meet someone you know (we did, under the stand). Clive Woodward cannot be serious when he said he thought England were still the better team.

Before you start getting all worried that I’m going the way of Russell Brown; don’t. I’m a main event kinda gal. Tests and finals.

General agreement on The Cuteness of Sarah Ulmer, and one nomination for Suzy Cato, although isn’t there a slight icky side to lusting after a children’s TV presenter? I’m warming to Kelly Swanson Roe after she described a runner’s long-legged tights on Sportzah! as “budgie smugglers”.

I haven’t been getting a Letterman list from Prime lately; but in any case, there’s no Letterman from now until the 5th July due to Prime’s overnight coverage of Wimbledon.

Lastly, as a complete digression, does SJD have a small son who likes to wear a Superman costume? “Superman you’re crying/Superman, you need a rest …” Just wondering.

Just as Keanu Reeves is The Coolness and Dominic Bowden is The Domness, Sarah Ulmer is – ask any straight man you know – The Cuteness. All over New Zealand, whenever TC’s well fit personage appears on telly, there are guys chorusing in unison: “God she’s cute.” It’s a known fact.

And you know what? You just can’t argue. You might get slightly sick of it, but dammit, she just is. And respect due to her as well for politely telling Sunday’s interviewer to get lost when she asked about Sarah and her boyfriend/trainer’s relationship. Has she ever eaten a McDonald’s burger though?

Alias finished last week, not that anyone noticed. We’re well behind the US, season three just finished there, and season four has been ordered. Television Without Pity has the funniest recaps – and see where all that obsessive snarkiness and rum drinking gets you? A gig on the DVDs, doing commentary for the season three opener.

A desperate Radiation reader wonders if anyone has a tape of The Secret Life of Us from last week – that’s June 1 – and would be willing to share. Contact me in confidence, your details are safe in my large and capable hands. Sorry this has taken so long, I’ve been (gasp!) working in an office, which makes me feel thoroughly disconnected from the world. No radio, no time for internet fun, no nicking off for a game of tennis. Not as disconnected as I felt after seeing Elephant on the weekend though.

Also, very sorry for the Mark Burnett story link that had a Survivor spoiler. D’oh! It didn’t even register to be honest because, as you know, I hate that shit. However, should you actually like that shit, you’ll be happy to hear that TV3 has a three-hour long finale scheduled in a couple of week’s time.

Is anyone else on the edge of their seat watching State of Play? It’s fantastically unpredictable. I think I’m slightly in love with John Simm, but nevertheless, what a script: “It’s not a story, it’s a case,” said the top copper to Simm’s Cal this week. And there it is: the difference between the press and the police right there. And Bill Nighy’s great as the editor; he was again the best thing in that other pile of doggy doo I rented, Underworld. Another senseless waste of eight bucks. I mean, I like a good gothic horror vampire fantasy as much as the next gal, but really. I think I’m suffering from Poor DVD Choice Syndrome. Speaking of gothic vampire fantasy etc, here’s another writer who’s Found Buffy. Heh. If you want to be truly fangeeky, here’s the academic bastion of all that is Buffy, slayage.tv.

Sarah has the full-on warm fuzzies for Eating Media Lunch:

Of course TVNZ has been inundated by complaints about Eating Media Lunch’s killing of the mock-Shrek sheep on camera. It was funny. It was clever. It was biting satire at its best. And it obviously wasn't the real Shrek. Reminiscent of the fantastic Simpsons episode in which Lisa went on the class trip to the abattoir, I found it no more gory or violent than any random episode of Nip/Tuck. Not only did EML’s segment take the piss out of the endless coverage of that damn sheep, it also showed meat eaters where that tasty flesh really comes from and delivered a nice little dig about the fleeting nature of television celebrity. Is Paul Casserly the cleverest TV writer in NZ today?

Ah yes, I was glad to see Shrek getting his chips. I’d be glad to see Shrek with chips. And Celebrity Dog Bum Stare is goer, surely. Maybe something for Touchdown? Matt Nippert also has this to say about EML.

According to the promo for State of the Nation, it’s a debate that we need to have; funny though, I thought the Kiwi way was to ignore something until it went away. I’m looking forward to it. No, really.

Just as Keanu Reeves is The Coolness, I’ve decided that Dominic Bowden is The Domness. He is the blank slate onto which we can project anything. He is The Dominator, he is everywhere, we believe everything he says. He should be, therefore, reading the news.

Or perhaps on Holmes, god knows he asks equally stupid questions. I can see him on Breakfast, making unfunny banter with Ali. Rumours will start about them, they will be forced to go to the women’s magazines. There he is on Sunday, with his serious face. Or what about Fair Go? Running at rip-off merchants with his mike cord trailing. He’ll be everywhere; it’ll be like that ad where Joel Tobeck plays everyone at the posh shopping plaza. In fact, I’m sure The Dom did a skit like that on Space. See what I mean?

He is One-Take Dom. During National Anthem he fluffed his lines, at most, twice. Mere trifles compared with the other hosts, who should have left their party pills at home. They needed some pointers from The Domness.

There were a few crap bands on National Anthem, which made it all the more fun. Wellington surely is the place that reggae goes to die – and just why exactly does anyone form a ska band? Particular highlight: the International Telepaths, a guitarist and drummer who were playing completely different songs. I think it was their way of saying “Fuck you!”

Still enjoying The Apprentice? I’m hoping for a “making of” where they explain the special effect that is The Don’s hairdo. Here’s a fascinating interview with Mark Burnett, the King of Reality, the producer of Survivor and The Apprentice, who explains that he is a huge fan of Joseph Campbell and that Survivor uses archetypal symbols of death and rebirth. Dude, that’s just cold. And manipulative. I’m urging you to stand firm. Must. Resist. The Brits might be falling out of love with them, according to this story in The Guardian, although I tend to think reality shows are the same as other shows in that respect: some flop, some don’t.

And now we turn to the mailbag, and Radiation welcomes Marion Hobbs (crikey!) who writes that “Love Actually is great on a long long plane flight, when you are avoiding reading the work papers that make up your hand luggage.”

Andrew Dubber writes that “The sound that Jake 2.0’s nanobots make when he goes into super-hyper mode are getting on my wick. It’s like a drum and bass remix of Steve Austin’s bionic noise -- and even he had more than one of those.” That is definitely a very silly programme and that cod-Matrix sound is definitely very annoying.

And Samuel Walker says: “Here’s a thought. What kind of moron would programme Eating Media Lunch against State of Play? surely it doesn’t take much lateral thought to realise they would appeal to the same people?”

I’m kinda liking The Insiders Guide to Happiness, despite the fact that it’s failing to create any dramatic tension. Maybe that’s the point. They’re in Limbo. In Wellington.

And C4 is screening MTV show Pimp My Ride in a couple of weeks, which I mentioned a while back. Hey, it’s gotta be better than Extreme Makeover.

Good to see Steve Maharey giving more or less an assurance that he won’t be fiddling with NZ On Air in this week’s Listener. I did a similar story a while back about the row that was brewing between the independent television producers and TVNZ over intellectual property and distribution rights. Now that Marty Behrens, the abrasive American who ran TVNZ’s business development section, has gone, the issue seems to have died in a ditch, which is a good job.

The independents I talked to were also worried about TVNZ wanting all of the money. Think about it: do you really want TVNZ as the gatekeeper of all the funding? To have control over everything that gets made? Several comments were made to me along the lines of “TVNZ wants to be the only player in town” and worries were expressed that the state broadcaster could play favourites.

Over at TV3, Caterina De Nave said categorically that they wouldn’t make any local programming without NZ On Air funding. Tony Holden, TVNZ’s Head of Commissioning, who I interviewed, had a crack at TV3, asking whether it was right that the profits from publicly-funded programmes shown on TV3 (from advertising) went offshore to Canada. I guess he wasn’t accounting for the fact that the funding also went to independent producers in New Zealand and a lot of people got jobs making The Strip or whatever.

Anyways, this is an interesting one, because there’s also a review going on at present of all public broadcasting funding, although we have to wait until the end of the year for its findings.

I’d like to thank Danielle for providing me with a television epiphany. Well. A small one, anyway. She writes in her excellent little blog (those pink Chuckies are bitchin’ btw) that her prerequisites for truly enjoying any reality television is “profound hatred for all the show’s ‘cast members’.”

I hate Donald Trump! I hate his hair! I hate his flunkies! I hate the weaselly little fuckers, both male and female, who uncritically yearn to sell their souls to the corporate juggernaut! And they’re all so lame! So deeply, deeply lame! Ahhhhhh, it's all so stupid, and directing my scorn to the screen fills me with such glorious warmth. See? If you're basically a horrible person, like me, reality shows are your lifeblood. :)

And that’s when I realised that’s not what I watch TV for. I don’t want to be enraged, there’s plenty of stupid fucking mayhem in Iraq to feel just as bad about crap on TV. I think I’m looking for small truths. Anyway, I know I watch television for The Sopranos (can’t wait for Steve Buscemi) and probably State of Play, although I’ll let you know as I’ve taped it.

The Letterman list is: Mike Myers on Friday 28th (Shrek 2’s been huge) and Blink 182 (eww); Bob Woodward on Monday 31st; Chris Rock on Tuesday 1st; and … well, the rest is quite boring actually.

Actually, I rented Love Actually on the weekend for a bit of light relief, although two and a half hours is more than enough light relief in anyone’s language. They could have shortened it by getting rid of that whole Liam Neeson and his son storyline – I mean, really, what 11-year-old talks like that? And in what universe do the niece and nephew of the Prime Minister go to the same school as the tea lady from Wandsworth’s family? I suppose the same universe where Notting Hill is really neat and tidy. The script seemed to have popped out of the Richard Curtis random joke generator as well. What a senseless waste of seven bucks.

24 is officially rocking now – the last six weeks of the season got the big ‘not too shabby’ from Entertainment Weekly. 24’s exec producer did admit to having “lost the thread” around the middle. Apparently Kiefer Sutherland said around the 12th episode he couldn’t do the heroin storyline much longer – have you noticed he’s not sweating so much lately? Television Without Pity’s recaps are worth it for the nicknames alone – Chase is known as “Special Agent Charlie Brown”.