Cracker by Damian Christie

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Cracker: How about You You You?

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  • Kyle Matthews,

    Seriously, your daughter has flown down to Dunedin, without your knowledge, broken into my house, done to my (21 month) daughter's room, and stolen her jersey. Exactly the same.

    Either that, or you stole my daughter, took her to the zoo, took photos, and altered them a little digitally to give her more hair and make her face look different.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Seriously, your daughter has flown down to Dunedin ...

    That would be 'Damian Christie in Secret Love-Child Surprise', then ...

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22850 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby,

    'Damian Christie in Secret Love-Child Surprise'

    weird... i was in a place called "Post-Deng" on Lt. Burke St a few days back, and I'm sure that was one of the dishes on the menu!

    naturally i opted for the bird's nest combination instead.

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • Jacqui Craig,

    I got a yearly pass to the zoo so it wouldn't matter when my 2 year old daughter spent more time looking at the chickens and sparrows in the bushes than she did at those boring old lions. Now that she's three we have a yearly pass so that my blood pressure doesn't elevate too much when she just wants chippies from the cafe and never mind about those silly monkies. We do manage a few animals in between the chickens and chips thank goodness, although like your daughter tortoises seem to be higher on the list than many other more theoretically interesting animals (although they do seem to have noisy sex a lot).

    Auckland • Since Apr 2007 • 28 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Damian, I should also note that your niece is right.

    Water is more interesting than an elephant. We have simply become jaded.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22850 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    I sometimes wonder if we dont set ourselves up for the whole small-children non-plussed at the zoo thing. (I've seen it myself many times over)

    I mean, we bombard them with story-books and kids TV where hippos, elephants, monkeys, etc. are completely normal run of the mill things, then we drag them along to the zoo and expect them to be excited to see these things they see represented in thier daily lives.....

    Would us grown-ups be all that excited to see a display of a kitchen with un-washed dishes and a work-desk with some paperwork on it? Maybe throw in a live person in a business suit?

    The zoo is exciting for us big people because its so different and bizarre.... I think maybe little kids dont appreciate quite how special it is until they are a bit older and more exposed to what is "normal".

    On a different topic.... I'm not so sure you need to use so many "alleged/allegedly" when the accused isnt actually denying it was him or what was done.... but is simply trying to avoid legal responsibility for it?

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 893 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    (although they do seem to have noisy sex a lot).

    This is something I did not previously know about tortoises.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • wendyf,

    A veeeery long time ago I took my son to the zoo in Auckland and his main delight was finding drains. "Look at the giraffe!" I would burble. "Look at the drain" he would respond as he found yet another grating over yet another drain.

    The zoo had lots of drains.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 88 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    I sometimes wonder if we dont set ourselves up for the whole small-children non-plussed at the zoo thing. (I've seen it myself many times over)

    I can report that two out of three of mine so far (the third hasn't been yet) were thoroughly plussed on their first visit. I think they were both about 2 at the time.

    My daughter saw the zebra and yelled "documentary!"

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Damian Christie,

    Small word-geek thing here Fletcher:

    non-plussed

    A bit like 'bemused', which has a similar meaning (puzzled, as opposed to amused), non-plussed seems to be one of those words a majority of people seem to want to mean something different.

    I've won pub bets on this one before, it's that common.

    Which raises a point, if the majority of people start thinking a word means something, then does it actually start meaning that?

    And yes Russell, thanks, it was my niece, not my daughter with me at the zoo. I haven't yet spawned and will no doubt blog about it when and if I do.

    Jacqui: I'd be interested to know at what age your daughter genuinely starts appreciating the proper animals - I'll refrain from taking Morgan back until such time...

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1164 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    (although they do seem to have noisy sex a lot).

    This is something I did not previously know about tortoises.

    They have a hell of a time getting their clothes off.

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    That would be 'Damian Christie in Secret Love-Child Surprise', then ...

    Ah good point, I read daughter in the first line about David, and carried it through the rest of the article, despite the word niece.

    I'll have to have words to his brother/sister I guess.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • FletcherB,

    Well, I was using non-plussed to mean unimpressed, which as you point out is not correct (whoops)... so I'll do a quick duck-and-cover and say I was suggesting the children were bewildered at all the fuss being made by the grow-ups... yeah, that works doesnt it?

    My own kids show much more interest in the animals now... somewhere between 3 and 5 I'd say is the change? But it's also very changeable... they may be interested today but not tomorrow..... the season pass is a wonderful thing.

    West Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 893 posts Report Reply

  • Rich of Observationz,

    On the decade thing, we seem to be doing fine without an accepted name for this decade (I don't hear "noughties" or "zeroes" used much?).

    I don't think either of the two first decades of the 20th century got named, although the 1890's and 1920's did.

    Back in Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 5550 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    My daughter saw the zebra and yelled "documentary!"

    These sorts of reactions should be encouraged, at least until teenage years. Other amusing possibilities could be "almost extinct!" and "not an aphrodisiac!"

    Parents have to get their fun somehow.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • Rob Hosking,

    My daughter saw the zebra and yelled "documentary!"

    My own daughter would have begun to sing about the Horse in Striped Pyjamas. Its her favourite song at the moment (although she is starting to like some of her dad's CDs: roared with laughter the other day at ol Warren Zed's 'Werewolves of London' and ran around the house going 'Ahh-OOO!' )

    My own first zoo visit was aged 7, with a Sunday School trip. We'd been told the story about Daniel in the Lions Den a few months earlier and it had really impressed me and... oh, you don't want to hear the rest of this story. Let's just say I discovered Sunday School teachers, however devout, are not necessarily Biblical literalists.

    South Roseneath • Since Nov 2006 • 830 posts Report Reply

  • Steven Shaw,

    Pedant corner: Not Marie but Mary Celeste , according to Wikipedia. Had to look it up the other day for some obscure reason.

    Auckland • Since Apr 2008 • 8 posts Report Reply

  • Jacqui Craig,

    I think Hazel started to really appreciate the animals in a way that I felt justified the entry fee not long after she turned two, so I'd say get a yearly pass and keep going! The pass is great because you can whip in, see the chickens, and leave again and not have to worry that you've 'done' the zoo to get your money's worth. Before that I always wanted to keep moving, to see the animals that appealed to me, get my money's worth when Hazel wanted to look at the chickens, or watch the giraffe for 20 minutes, or pick at a spot on a wooden railing with an interesting hole, and it would stress me out. I also had to come to terms with tortoises being more interesting than cheetahs, and flamingoes more interesting than the lions across the way, and serval cats being "kitties! meow!" but it's nice to see them again through new eyes.

    And turtles big (Galapagos) and small (those little ones near the cheetahs) grunt and moan in a most inappropriate way for family viewing. "What is that turtle doing mummy? what's his leg dooooing??" And I took the time-honoured coward's way and said "oh they're just being friendly darling". The shame.

    Auckland • Since Apr 2007 • 28 posts Report Reply

  • Jacqui Craig,

    My daughter saw the zebra and yelled "documentary!

    Mine sees the lemurs and immediately starts to gyrate while singing very loudly "You've got to move it move it, you've got to move it move it" a la 'Madagascar'. She's constantly disappointed when they don't dance with her (and so am I).

    Auckland • Since Apr 2007 • 28 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Litterick,

    Other amusing possibilities could be "almost extinct!" and "not an aphrodisiac!"

    Somewhere in New Zealand, there are probably children who have been named "almost extinct" and "not an aphrodisiac."

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1000 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Brislen,

    I've got the adult-child pass (well, my daughter does) which has a picture of her on it so ANY ADULT can take her along to the zoo without either of them paying.

    I'm a bit concerned about the potential for this, but I'll run with it.

    So if anyone wants to get in for free I'll lend you a six year old who will drag you around past the otters (best! animal! eva!) beyond the tigers (AWOL, always AWOL) and through the Aussie part (no dingos) straight to see the white cockatiel called Captain who will a: talk to you and b: try to eat you if you let him.

    Oh, and there's no water in the moat by the elephants - it's just empty. I thus cast doubt on your entire "taking the daughter to the zoo" post! Ha!

    (Oh and get a full face helmet!)

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 200 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    And turtles big (Galapagos) and small (those little ones near the cheetahs) grunt and moan in a most inappropriate way for family viewing. "What is that turtle doing mummy? what's his leg dooooing??" And I took the time-honoured coward's way and said "oh they're just being friendly darling". The shame.

    Hum must remember that the next time I'm at the zoo, and the kiddies are inappropriately intrigued by the self-pleasuring monkey. I took the more expensive coward's way out and screamed "Who wants an ice-cream NOW!"

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby,

    the Aussie part (no dingos)

    the zoo should just put some golden labradors in a big pen.

    to be honest, i have trouble telling the two apart unless the labrador has gone to fat.

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • andrew llewellyn,

    Since Nov 2006 • 2075 posts Report Reply

  • Damian Christie,

    Oh, and there's no water in the moat by the elephants - it's just empty. I thus cast doubt on your entire "taking the daughter to the zoo" post! Ha!

    Can you people please stop being so f'n literal? It's a blog - none of it happened - I just stole some pictures off the internet and wrote a story about my imaginary niece :)

    To be honest, I can't remember who had what around it. Maybe it was the rhinos or hippos where she was transfixed by the water.

    And as Russell rightly points out, yes, water is a lot more interesting than an elephant. The physics engine alone...

    Anyway Paul, shouldn't you be answering phones in a bid to reduce the horrendous waiting times at your call centre? ;)

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1164 posts Report Reply

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