Random Play by Graham Reid

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Random Play: Modern Life is Rubbish

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  • Craig Ranapia,

    Pretentious and/or pig-ignorant hacks who don't know what "decimate" or "literally" means, but it sounds impressive. Helen Clark "literally incandescent with rage" like a trench-dwelling flatfish on crystal meth, but I won't hold my breath. If Duncan Garner has, I've got a piss cup with his name on it.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Sam F,

    Pretentious and/or pig-ignorant hacks who don't know what "decimate" or "literally" means, but it sounds impressive. Helen Clark "literally incandescent with rage" like a trench-dwelling flatfish on crystal meth, but I won't hold my breath. If Duncan Garner has, I've got a piss cup with his name on it.

    I had one of these moments on Sunday morning when a RNZN panelist described a New Zealand architectural 'school' as having 'literally exploded' a few decades back.

    Really? How long did it take to pick up all the pieces of architect? Did they build something nice over the crater so it's not visible, or is this just something that's Not Talked About down south? Where is the science on such phenomena? So many unanswered questions.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 1611 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Shit. Preview is my friend, but we're not on speaking turns. To translate my last from gibberish.

    Helen Clark "literally incandescent with rage" like a trench-dwelling flatfish on crystal meth is something I'd love to see, but I won't hold my breath waiting for the blessed event. If Duncan Garner has seen her , I've got a piss cup with his name on it.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • JP Hansen,

    People who position shopping trolleys in supermarket aisles in a manner that makes it impossible to be able to navigate around them. Often requires two co-conspirators


    As far as things to do when you're dead, ol' Warren Zevon can help you out of course (but only if you're in Denver)...

    Waitakere • Since Nov 2006 • 206 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    who don't know what "decimate" or "literally" means

    I was just bitching and whining about this yesterday. It appears now that 'literally' means 'figuratively', and 'virtually' means 'actually'.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    I was just bitching and whining about this yesterday. It appears now that 'literally' means 'figuratively', and 'virtually' means 'actually'.

    And before you know it, you're in your very own Samuel Beckett one-act play.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    ... what "decimate" ... means

    Decimate's a good one. It's normally used to imply extreme attrition, which greatly annoys people who know that it comes from the Roman practice of killing 10% of mutinous sections, pour encourager les autres and all that, innit. So some people get very annoyed about it being used to mean higher losses than 10%. Here, the point to consider is that etymology is not meaning, and that most dictionaries are on the side of the common usage in this case.

    But I'm well down with the bile heaped on people who misuse "literally". I think the time is ripe for a counter-revolution: start using "figuratively" in hyperbolic situations where people would tend to drop the l-bomb. "Figuratively" has had so little traffic in the last few years that it'll sound erudite and ting.

    My pet hate: people who try to pronounce non-English words "properly" to show how they're sensitive to other cultures, but get the pronunciation wrong. That was a big bugbear of mine during the Olympics.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 709 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Here, the point to consider is that etymology is not meaning, and that most dictionaries are on the side of the common usage in this case.

    Yes, it would be an insufferable pedant who would use decimate to mean kill one in ten. I wonder if the meaning changed with the Nazi reprisals during world war II, when they used to kill ten people in the occupied territories for every one of their soldiers killed - those were also referred to as decimations, at least in Italian.

    (Showing that you can find humour everywhere, Stefano Benni put in one of his stories a cocktail called "the reprisal": ten parts of Italian grappa for one part of German schnaps)

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    And before you know it, you're in your very own Samuel Beckett one-act play.

    In other news, Craig is still a genius.

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    The Weather Ambassador

    MetService did have a penchant (properly pronounced pon-shon) for odd job titles at one stage. Our librarian/webmaster was called the "Information Enthusiast" (unlike in his other life, where he was called "Natalie") and I was apparently an "Imagineer". That title was nicked from Disney, of course, but I guess it was easier to say than "web developer/graphic designer/project manager/tech writer/sales support/animator".

    That was the 90s, of course, when the tech world was full of "Evangelists" and the like, so I guess "Ambassador" didn't seem so out of place coming from that milieu (__mee-yeur__).

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • amc 32,

    just to be a jerk and give a list of stuff people [white] like:

    http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/full-list-of-stuff-white-people-like/

    wellington • Since Aug 2008 • 4 posts Report Reply

  • Joe Wylie,

    . . . 'virtually' means 'actually'.

    Bloody actually.

    He was given a military haircut and was told that he was a New Englander from Boston and that he was on holiday from his job with the London office of the Guaranty Trust Company. He was reminded to ask for the 'check' rather the 'bill', to say 'cab' instead of 'taxi' and (this from Leiter) to avoid words of more than two syllables. ('You can get through any American conversation,' advised Leiter, 'with "Yeah", "Nope" and "Sure".') The English word to be avoided at all costs, added Leiter, was 'Ectually'. Bond had said that this word was not part of his vocabulary.

    Ian Fleming, Live and Let Die.

    flat earth • Since Jan 2007 • 4593 posts Report Reply

  • Josh Addison,

    Jumping on the pedant bandwagon, as a former Philosophy major, I still twitch when I hear people use the phrase "begs the question" incorrectly, but I guess I have to concede that that one's original/proper meaning is obscure enough, and the current meaning sensible enough, that it's probably not worth bitching about. (Doesn't help that I was a Linguistics minor, with all the "descriptivism over prescriptivism" that implies...)

    And I guess it almost goes without saying, but:

    Naming scandals by adding -gate to the end of a related word
    I long for the day when a politician is caught having sex against a farm gate, or taking bribes to relax standards relating to gated properties or soemthing, forcing the media to start writing stories about "Gategate".

    Actually, now that I think about it, what's going to happen if there's ever a scandal that actually relates to water?

    Onehunga, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 298 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Here, the point to consider is that etymology is not meaning, and that most dictionaries are on the side of the common usage in this case.

    I'm not so sure in this particular case, but that's a fair general point. While Teddy Roosevelt talked about the Presidency being a "bully pulpit", I'm not so sure he would have got along with Dick Cheney and Jesus was not advocating child abuse when he said (at least in my King James Version) "suffer the little children to come unto me."

    And when people complain about "gay" being a perfectly good word ruined by the Sodomites and Sapphists, I replly that I'd like to use prfectly useful terms for a bundle of sticks used to light fires ( faggot), a wall designed to keep out water (dyke) and unusual or disreputable conduct (queer). So how about we call a draw?

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Roger Lacey,

    Family Health Diary as the prime example of the modern snake oil sales pitch. Find a suitable ache, itch or disfunction and create a pill or potion to cure it. Never mind whether it works or not, slap on a high price and promote the hell out of it.

    Whatakataka Bay Surf Club… • Since Apr 2008 • 148 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha,

    I still twitch when I hear people use the phrase "begs the question" incorrectly

    Me too. Young journos seem to be very fond of it, and the gutting of seniors and subs hasn't helped the trend.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19745 posts Report Reply

  • Kyle Matthews,

    And when people complain about "gay" being a perfectly good word ruined by the Sodomites

    One suspects we can forgive them because:

    1. They paid a heavy price for their sins.
    2. Gay as a word came about early in the last millenium (from French and Germanic sources most likely), post-dating anything that God did or didn't do to the Sodomites by quite a few years. It didn't start to have a sexual meaning until quite a bit later.

    Since Nov 2006 • 6243 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    And when people complain about "gay" being a perfectly good word ruined by the Sodomites and Sapphists

    ...they don't know what they're talking about. "Gay" was in common usage in London in the 19th century to refer to prostitutes. There's an old cartoon in Punch from the time, showing two miserable-looking streetwalkers, soaking wet and shivering in a doorway in the middle of a storm, with one saying to the other "So, Mary, 'ow long you been gay?" It's also apparently a theatrical term dating back to at least the 17th century for a cross-dressed male. Vada the dolly old eek on that.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 709 posts Report Reply

  • Grant McDougall,

    Anything with 101 Things/Places/Songs . . . (or worse 1001 . . .) in the title. Enough with the lists...If you want to get to the 1001 Places to See Before You Die which is on your coffee table you are hardly going to sit around reading about them.

    I "hear" what you're saying Graeme, most books and lists of best this, best that, best the other are pretty silly. Having said that...I'm quite partial to the music ones, as they appeal to the music geek in me. A good book or feature along the lines of "The 100 Best Albums Ever" can be entertaining and informative, if it's well-written and helps expose you to new music. MOJO had one such cover feature back in '95 and it opened up all manner of new music for me.

    However, it's the regularity of such list-based features that I find annoying. An issue of Q doesn't go by without the cover screaming "The 100 Greatest Ever...". Ho-blooody-hum. It's just lazy writing and part of the reason I stopped buying music magazines sometime ago.

    I actually own a copy of 1001 Albums You Must Listen To Before You Die. It's actually a good, entertaining, informative book, but I've no desire to trawl my way through every album they list, I've got bigger fish to fry.

    Dunedin • Since Dec 2006 • 760 posts Report Reply

  • Hadyn Green,

    Naming scandals by adding -gate to the end of a related word
    I long for the day when a politician is caught having sex against a farm gate, or taking bribes to relax standards relating to gated properties or soemthing, forcing the media to start writing stories about "Gategate".

    I was bitching about that the other day, and about how pleasant the "Winebox Enquiry" was because it wasn't "Moneygate" or something as ridiculous.

    Reporters who say "Look!" when crossed-to live
    "What's situation there [insert name of reporter on scene]?"
    "Look Simon! the situation is this..."
    Simon and the rest of us are not drunkards you are having an argument with down the pub. You don't need to tell us to "look" because, as it's TV, most of us already are looking. And we're looking at you Mark Sainsbury [main culprit]

    Sports presenters who make fun of the sports they don't like
    If I hear Andrew Saville say that anyone who plays or watches baseball is a fat man who chews tobacco and touches his crotch a lot I'll... I don't know, write a blog post or something.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2090 posts Report Reply

  • Dave Patrick,

    I'd like to put my vote in for the massive increase in the level of reporting in our daily newspapers, with the equal decrease in the level of journalism in our daily newspapers (no kiddies, they are NOT one and the same).

    Also signwriters/ad copy writers who don't bother using a dictionary when they're not sure of a word, but just slap the bloody thing in there anyway, and who cares if it's spelt wrong? Well, I do as it happens - and don't get me started on apostrophes....... except to ask every single retailer of music and movies that, if you DON'T put an apostrophe in DVDs (and none of them do), why the heck do you feel compelled to put one in CD's (and most of them do).

    Signed,
    Mr Full O'Bile
    Curmudgeontown

    Rangiora, Te Wai Pounamu • Since Nov 2006 • 261 posts Report Reply

  • Tom Beard,

    Reporters who say "Look!" when crossed-to live

    Or for that matter, crossing live to reporters at all, except when there's something actually visibly going on in the background. What is the point of crossing live to a reporter standing in front of a building, telling us what might or might not be going on inside that building, when exactly the same information could have been conveyed from the studio?

    Oh and no offence Dave, since I doubt you use the term in quite the same way, but columnists who use the word "curmudgeon" to describe themselves as if that were some kind of __good__thing are also on my list.

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 1040 posts Report Reply

  • Evan Yates,

    That Giant Squid at Kelly Tarlton's
    Every news report about giant squid absolutely has to mention the 90cm pre-hensile penis thing. As if we don't already get enough spam e-mail suggesting enhancement without molluscs waving their whopping todgers at us...
    Also, that one big eye looking out of the tank through a misty solution of formaldehyde just creeps me out.
    However, it is dead and I'm not (yet). Pwned! you John-Holmes-ian gelatinous freak.

    Hamiltron, Te Ika-a-Māui • Since Nov 2006 • 197 posts Report Reply

  • giovanni tiso,

    Every news report about giant squid absolutely has to mention the 90cm pre-hensile penis thing.

    Prehensile?!

    Also, that one big eye looking out of the tank through a misty solution of formaldehyde just creeps me out.

    And you're talking about the squid, right?

    Wellington • Since Jun 2007 • 7473 posts Report Reply

  • JackElder,

    Dude, don't be hating on cephalopods. That squid died for your sins.

    Wellington • Since Mar 2008 • 709 posts Report Reply

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