Southerly: Wedding Bells
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We're going to a friend's wedding in a few weeks.
She has booked the smallest registry office possible. It holds just 8 people, max. It's the happy couple, their parents and their witnesses, and that's it.
So technically, we're not going to the wedding at all. We're just going for the party afterwards.
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I'm with you all the way on this one!
It is great that people can make their own rules to a much greater extent now. I've been to a wedding in a cave, a wedding on a cliff top and a civil union, and all were fabulous. -
And even a Registry Office wedding requires vows and a ceremony.
Actually, all it legally requires is doing the paperwork, declaring that you don't know of any impediments, and saying "I call on the people present here to witness that I, A B, take you, C D, to be my legal wife (or husband)" or words to similar effect. That's about as minimalist as you get.
OTOH, in Chicago you only had to do the paperwork. Cool.
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Actually, if Rev Scott had ambled over to the cupboard and opened it, then Burt's hide 'n' go seek abilities would have been established.
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Speaking as one who had a semi traditional wedding, I'm with you all the way on this one, David. I was never going to get married (less to do with weddings than I just hadn't met anyone who even resembled people you'd want to spend a goodly proportion of your life with), and then I met Ian. He proposed - even rang my father to ask for my hand etc - and so my sucking into the whole wedding vortex began. I didn't go into a frenzy but I did buy a bride magazine, and afterwards was completely appalled at myself. I sneaked a look at it, but really, a bride magazine? What was I thinking? My mother organised the whole shebang - I just had to supply a list of friends. It was at my parent's farm, I didn't wear a dress, we had a celebrant.....really, it was just a party with a 5 minute interruption for some legalities. it was lovely at the time. Now, I'm not so sure. I like being married, I have been so for 16 years, but I still in the back of my mind, wish that we'd run away somewhere. Maybe next time.
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The drawback, however, is that a mutual detestation of weddings does not make the nuptial process very easy.
I would have thought the opposite. Surely you could have simply opted not to get married?
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The key to surviving - enjoying even - a wedding is to recognise you are involved in an anthropological event of the ages that is far, far bigger than you are, so just go with the flow. I just go all Jane Austen for the night whilst retaining my critical faculties and trying to work which of the girls are single.
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The missus and I <a href="http://brainstab.blogspot.com/2007/05/civilised-unionised-cupped.html">went for a Civil Union</a>, figuring it meant we wouldn't be bound by tradition and could come up with an event that suited us. Her brief was "a big party with a little ceremony at some point", although we ended up being a little more structured and traditional than that, mostly for the sake of our families. Because that's the real secret of weddings/Civil Unions/whatever -- they're really all about everyone else; the happy couple are just convenient focal points for the audience.
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Bollocks. Let's just pretend that link was properly formatted.
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I never got all girly about weddings. In fact, I never thought I would get married, and then... I'm not sure what happened. The appropriate person came along, obviously! But the big traditional thing was never, never me. I would feel totally ridiculous and self-conscious trying to be all Princessy.
I got married in Las Vegas, in a chapel which has historic building protection. It is about 70 years old, which just shows what 'historic' means in Vegas-ian terms. (Mickey Rooney got married there eight times!)
The ceremony lasted 10 minutes. I met the 'minister' shortly beforehand and told him 'no religion, no obey, as brief as possible'. He was wearing a blue suit and had poofy white hair. He looked suspiciously like a televangelist. There were 20 guests in attendance. We walked down the aisle to Santo and Johnny's 'Sleepwalk' and left the chapel to the strains of the theme from 'The Love Boat'.
During the ceremony, which was, as requested, brief and non-religious, I remember thinking: 'wow, this dude is still being kinda flowery for a non-religious ceremony. I think I might laugh out loud!' Then, about 30 seconds later: 'wow, this making-a-vow-to-be-with-you-forever thing is actually affecting me way more than I thought. I think I might cry.' I did neither.
As the faux-televangelist introduced us as newly married to our guests, I remembered with horror that I had forgotten to tell him that I was not to be announced as 'Mrs Husband's Entire Name'. Dammit. Our wedding photos were supplied by the chapel and took 30 seconds post-ceremony. 'Look at the gentleman! Look at the lady! Look towards me!'
Then everyone went back to our hotel suite with a view of the fake Eiffel Tower and got drunk. And we sang karaoke in the hotel bar. My husband did a particularly stellar version of Dolly Parton's 'Jolene' (even that falsetto bit at the end), while I chose Cher's 'Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves'.
Oh, and I wore black.
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As a wedding-phobic who is somewhat mystified by marriage (but have no problem with love and commitment) I'd love to know why you chose to marry. Too nosy?
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For my second marriage I tried to get a proxie so that I could avoid it all, but that is not legal. I agreed to go on condition that I could write the "service". It took 36 seconds and all that was really needed was an affirmation that we were both willing to get married. Then we had a party/dinner in a private garden. Next time will be even simpler.
Jackie: If you didn't wear a dress what did you wear???? -
I love weddings... especially when I'm not paying the bill.
Most of the weddings have been non-religious (except for one catholic marathon - which I exited early due to a nasty tummy-bug from the night before) or presided over by a groovy-vicar-type (you know... "give thanks in whatever way you find appropriate" kind of guy)
I've been to too many funerals lately and am desperately holding out for a more cheerful family gathering. I've basically run out of friends and family of my generation and it will probably be years until the first run of nieces and nephews and children of close friends hit the right age (whatever that might be).
Being an amateur video nerd, I have "worked" virtually 100% of the weddings I have been to in the last 10 years. Yes, yes, I do know its mainly because I work for friends and family with no charge.
Weddiings are fun when you know the happy couple are actually a happy couple. When the relationship between the bride and groom is a bit dodgy... well....they are even more fun!!!
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I didn't wear a dress,
sounds interesting.Tell us more Jackie:)
A couple of friends had met in a pub in Auckland so did the whole thing at the pub. From the marriage in the garden bar to the reception and it was great to hear the likes of Chris Knox on stage. I thought it was a great wedding idea and the whole shebang was all at the one premises.Most convenient. -
I would have been quite happy to remain a partner for the rest of my life, but it was important to my wife that we be married... so when she proposed, I accepted.
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While Bob-the-baby slumbers on my shoulder, a quick reply to some comments...
Idiot Savant wrote:
Actually, all it legally requires is... saying "I call on the people present here to witness that I, A B, take you, C D, to be my legal wife (or husband)" or words to similar effect.
Fair point. Yes, admittedly, to a non-wedding-phobic person that would be no big deal. But you're not dealing with the rational part of my brain here...
amc 32 wrote:
if Rev Scott had ambled over to the cupboard and opened it, then Burt's hide 'n' go seek abilities would have been established.
Ha! A great philosophical and theological opportunity was missed. On a related note, you may be interested to know that when a mutual friend unexpectedly became a born-again Christian, Rev Scott broke the news to Jen by saying: "Janine found Burt Reynolds in her closet."
giovanni tiso wrote:
[Quoting David Haywood:] "The drawback, however, is that a mutual detestation of weddings does not make the nuptial process very easy."
I would have thought the opposite. Surely you could have simply opted not to get married?
That sentence has to be read in conjunction with the preceding one, i.e. "And that was when I knew that Jennifer was the woman I would marry. The drawback, however, is that a mutual detestation of weddings does not make the nuptial process very easy."
We wanted to get married but not have the wedding. I'm with Jackie Clark in that I'm very pleased to be married (along with Bob-the-baby the best thing I ever did), but found the prospect of a wedding to be an unadulterated nightmare.
Newsprint wrote:
As a wedding-phobic who is somewhat mystified by marriage (but have no problem with love and commitment) I'd love to know why you chose to marry. Too nosy?
No, not too nosy -- a fair question! I'm just not sure I can answer it.
I can say that I never really expected to get married or have children before I met Jennifer. Not in a visceral sense, anyway. And then with Jennifer I suddenly did, and I just somehow wanted to formally declare: "I think you're the one for me, and by the way, I'll be sticking around you until I'm dead." (Mind you, it sounds a little creepy and stalker-ish when you put it that way).
That's a pretty crap explanation I know. Maybe it's all those Jane Austen novels. But personally, I would've felt pretty miserable if I couldn't have married Jennifer -- which gives me a lot of sympathy for gay couples (although Civil Unions are certainly a good alternative). But if marriage isn't your bag, then that's fair enough too. I certainly don't think you have to get married to be legitimately committed.
Tom Semmens wrote:
The key to surviving - enjoying even - a wedding is to recognise you are involved in an anthropological event of the ages that is far, far bigger than you are, so just go with the flow.
An intriguing suggestion -- I shall attempt this at the next wedding I'm invited to. Mind you, there might not be any after this blog.
Danielle wrote:
I never got all girly about weddings... Oh, and I wore black.
That is so awe-inspiring...
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I would've felt pretty miserable if I couldn't have married Jennifer
That's not a crap answer at all. My partner and I have gone the creepy stalker route. I'm not against marriage in others, just very curious . . . oh, and I really wish they wouldn't invite me to the wedding!
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I am in the process of a protracted battle to convince my mother that putting off getting married until we have enough money to do it "properly" would be a total waste, namely because I would rather slit my throat than spend half a year's income on one day. I don't know what she thinks I want in a wedding, but meringue-shaped dresses and a tonne of roses are most definitely not involved. Seriously. Ew.
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We wanted to get married but not have the wedding.
I realise I'm the one at fault here, but I find it really hard to divorce (ah ah) the two concepts, the being married and the getting married. If being married means to be committed to another, and the wedding is where you tell the world that you're committed to another, if you subtract the latter you're left with what my partner and I have had for the best part of twenty years. And we're not married.
But, as I say, there's clearly something I am personally unable to grasp, I'm not claiming otherwise.
A dear friend of mine got married a couple of days ago in Nairobi, and they're having a second ceremony in Tuscany in eight days. Not being able to go really sucks.
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"I call on the people present here to witness that I, A B, take you, C D, to be my legal wife (or husband)"
I All Black take you Compact Disc to be my ......What's the country coming to? This sort of nonsense would never happen under a Facsist Dictatorship. Is that a tape recorder in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?
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This sort of nonsense would never happen under a Facsist Dictatorship
The thing I hate the most about those dictatorships is the horrible screeching noise you hear when you pick up the phone.
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And then with Jennifer I suddenly did, and I just somehow wanted to formally declare: "I think you're the one for me, and by the way, I'll be sticking around you until I'm dead."
Yes. This. 'You! You're my person!'
Of course, it helps if the other person has the same thought. Otherwise you end hanging around outside their house with a ghetto blaster playing Peter Gabriel. No one wants that. (Unless they're Ione Skye and you're John Cusack.)
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It has always appeared to me that weddings are for the bride's mother rather than for the bride.
I have seen young women pushed and manipulated towards their mother's dreams in many cases.
Seeing their sons marry is possibly in the same vein.People often revert to their former selves very soon after marriage knowing that they have a contract and the partner is now 'theirs'.
For that reason my partner and I have not married.
We still have to consider that we are both here because of choice rather than because of a legal binding.
It has been a very satisfactory arrangement for the first 24 years.Our teenage boys are not bothered by the situation. They have two reliable adults to support them.
Many of their peers who have parents who married are now living with only one of them. -
I don't know what she thinks I want in a wedding, but meringue-shaped dresses and a tonne of roses are most definitely not involved. Seriously. Ew.
Oddly, this is what my mother thought I wanted in a wedding. And little girls, to strew the rose petals in my path as I walked down the aisle.
My wedding was a blast. I'm told this by the few reliable witnesses sober enough to remember. My mother was horrified to find me sitting on the back lawn of the venue with my dress yanked up to my knees smoking a celebratory cigar. I have to assume she was even more horrified a couple of hours later when I leaned across the table to talk to someone and accidentally smeared chocolate mousse all over my left breast.
So the second time around, when we got civilly unioned, we didn't invite her. Or anybody else, for that matter.
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So nice to know I'm not alone.
Wedding #1 Registry office, UK. Bride wore a nice semi transparent blue thing so that lingerie clearly visible. Registrar struggled to keep eyes on the paperwork. 2 strangers as witnesses off the street [lasted 10 years].
Wedding #2 Piss up at a vineyard. Bride wore very slinky scarlet number that showed things off beautifully, if I do say so myself. Celebrant struggled to keep eyes on the paperwork. 12 years so far (doesn't time fly).
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