Posts by Emma Hart

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  • Hard News: What you lookin' at?,

    One of our main issues with watching television is accessibility. What we watch with our hearing-impaired daughter must have subtitles. Preferably subtitles for the hearing-impaired, which include sounds like doorbells, phone chimes, gunshots, etc, which often carry plot details.

    By far the easiest way to do this is to wait one day after US airing, then illegally download the files, and illegally download matching subtitle files, which will already be available. However, Prime's adoption of closed captioning may change this, because they get, pretty quickly, two of the shows we watch with her: Dr Who and Elementary. Also with her we watch Orphan Black, Agent Carter, Agents of SHIELD, Sherlock, Castle, and Once Upon a Time, which sounds like it's terrible but is really well-written.

    As friends, we get together and have flash-drive Tupperware parties*. The latest winner to come out of that is The Expanse. I would love it if we had access to something like Syfy TV here.

    I am very glad there will be more Westside, and I LOVE The Brokenwood Mysteries. It is exactly a very Kiwi Midsomer Murders.

    *We call them Tupperware parties, but given we're all swapping things we brought, they're really more like Key Parties.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • OnPoint: Yeah nah, but what *do* we…, in reply to Alfie,

    The Herald allows serial plagiarist Bruce Logan

    That's okay, I fixed it for you.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Up Front: Five, in reply to Hilary Stace,

    I don’t understand how people who are not affected lack empathy for those who are. Even Joe Bennett on the RNZ Panel yesterday was very dismissive. His attitude was that most Christchurch people aren’t or weren’t affected, and that a tiny minority of people are still making a fuss about nothing much.

    I've recently worked out that it's classic victim-blaming. People are treating the victims of the quakes the same way they treat victims of domestic violence. You don't really want to do anything, you don't want to feel bad about yourself from not doing anything, you just want to get on and pretend it hasn't happened. So you minimise the damage. It's not as bad as they're making it out to be. And if it is, why don't they do something about it? Why don't they just leave? Why didn't they get geotech reports before they built their houses? Why are they so angry and rude all the time? How could they choose to put their kids through this?

    You avoid feeling sympathy by making these people into people who don't deserve your sympathy.

    (The other way to do it is to turn them into people who are 'strong' and 'resilient', and therefore don't need help.)

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Polity: Hooton’s Zombie Apocalypse, in reply to bob daktari,

    labels of extreme this or that are but tools employed to control the discussion… please don’t get caught up in justifying left and right cause you’re all bunched in the centre (much to my dismay)

    Yeah, from a Person of the Left POV, having Labour accused of being Leftist and their response being "No we're not!" is a bit fucking depressing.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Hard News: Fix up, young men, in reply to BenWilson,

    Here’s my question: Does that absence make you think that you got through to me? Or does it make you think I wasn’t listening? How could you even know? I’m interested in your answer, but I’m also going to guess it (that’s ALSO something people who are listening can do. It means I’ve thought about you a lot and am trying to model your answers – if I can do that, then clearly I’m getting you. If not, you can tell me so, and I can fix the model). I guess that you don’t find a lack of male engagement indicative of having communicated to men well.

    Silence is, without a doubt, the hardest thing to parse on the internet. Did the person you were arguing with go away because you made a really good point they couldn't refute, or because they decided you weren't worth wasting their time on? Even harder to interpret the silence of people who've never entered the conversation at all. TBH, I don't really keep track of individuals. I don't think you could, and stay sane.

    And I'm going to say this, and try to ignore how dirty it sounds*: I've never had a problem with a lack of male engagement. There are loads of men here who've constructively engaged on threads of mine, and threads of Russell's on the same kinds of topics. A good sign of someone who is listening and engaging is that they will ask questions. I've also had 'conversations' with men here where I'm clearly not being listened to, but lectured at. Because this is the internet, I've seen conversations I was clearly never supposed to, where guys who comment here occasionally have said things about me that... well, they wouldn't say in front of me. The people I've seen defend me in those circumstances are also disproportionately men. They're disproportionately Russell, to be fair.

    I've known a lot of you guys for a really long time. I've met a lot of you in person. That helps me interpret both your speech and your silence.

    *by 'ignore', I clearly mean, 'point out'.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Hard News: Fix up, young men, in reply to Ali Gill,

    I hope this starts a shift in my own thinking and behaviour:

    Dated May 2014. FFS guys….dunno about you but I’m shocked at my inability to ever actually listen

    Thank you, Ali. This is why I keep doing this stuff, and trying to do it in a fairly temperate fashion no matter how frustrated and sweary I might get, because no matter how many times I say it, someone is actually hearing it for the first time. And I'm just speaking for myself, not 'women', but if a man has to say it for a particular guy to hear it, if that man has reach that I don't, then okay. I do not give a fuck about the means, just the result.

    I've been writing here for eight years now. In that time, I've seen some really significant changes. I used to get a lot of shit from women, about how my dress and behaviour was Bad for Women and giving men the wrong message. Slutwalk. Boobquake. My impression is that, over those years, there's been a real shift in the dominant voice in feminism, and that policing of female behaviour is something I just don't hear any more. It's well possible that's just me, they've given up on me.

    But the stuff with men? That post from nearly two years ago is nearly entirely made up of links to stuff I said even earlier than that, and we're still having this conversation from first principles. I know there were a bunch of us who felt like the whole 'Auckland serial rapists' thing was going to be a turning point, and then it wasn't, and here we are, and it's fucking frustrating.

    These men, they're usually abusive in private. When they're abusive in a public venue like this, it's because they feel SAFE doing so. And they'll keep doing it, at concerts and sports stadiums and bars, until the backlash around them is such that they don't feel safe.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Hard News: Fix up, young men, in reply to Ali Gill,

    Someone tell me, what can we do? Even if its just a start

    I had some suggestions a couple of years ago.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Hard News: Fix up, young men, in reply to Danielle,

    If there is a difference, it’s that the low-level (with potential for high-level) aggression women have experienced since forever can now be expressed near-instantly and “eloquently” via text rather than in person.

    Which is both an improvement and a... disprovement. Fuck. Because yeah, one douchebag can reach so many more women now, at so much lower a risk to himself. But on the other, when they do it in writing we can share it. You can see it, verbatim, which makes it much harder to dismiss.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Hard News: Fix up, young men, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    (I can see Emma nagging at me to stop trying to fix things).

    Oh Bart no, not this time.

    A couple of times now I've sat down to type this story and decided not to, because it felt like a side-track. But I'm going to do it, and if it does, people can just ignore it. The TL:DR is 'sometimes things feel like they've got worse because they've stayed the same'.

    So the last year or so, I've been dating. And what I've found is a bunch of men - in their thirties and forties - who can't understand that women can set boundaries, and those boundaries should be respected. And I've found myself wondering aloud if men are actually WORSE now than they were when I was in my twenties. And of course, they're not, it's just that the intervening twenty years having made no fucking difference is so frustrating, it feels worse.

    The last guy I went out with, winnowed from a pile of cruft that was even worse, could not accept that I didn't want to be touched while I was sleeping. After we broke up, I asked him not to contact me any more. He messaged me six times that same day. I blocked him from my phone, from a bunch of social media sites... three months later, he's still finding new ways to get to me. I feel like I've never been afraid after breaking up with a guy before, but I started off on this site talking about a guy taking me hostage with a crossbow, so... I guess not.

    In the end, it doesn't really matter whether it's got worse. It hasn't got BETTER, and that there is enough of a problem. Guys my son's age are being douches to women, and I'm so fucking SICK of it.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

  • Hard News: Fix up, young men, in reply to Alfie,

    I’m 61 and was brought up respecting women, giving up seats for older people on public transport and generally having basic manners.

    Basic manners would involve listening to women when they talk about their experiences. We know that some men don't even notice this stuff when it happens right in front of them. I want men talking about this stuff, to each other, but not 'talking not listening'. As I've said before, we are the experts

    And you're younger than my abusive father would be if he were still alive, and all his peers who condoned his behaviour when they knew full well he was abusing his wife and his step-children. You're about the same age as the guys who always seem to think they can chat me up at the bus exchange late at night. So, young men were doing this when you were young, and men your age are still doing this. It's a continuum of behaviour which does not accept that women have the right to control what happens to them.

    We can say 'this stuff seems to be getting worse at this particular gig' AND 'this stuff has always happened'.

    I think something to improve the convenience of reporting abuse is worth exploring, but only to save the hassle of finding a security guard and pointing them at the right person.

    Some sports grounds, and only some, will publicise a number you can use to text security to let them know there's a problem. It means you can complain without anyone knowing WHO has complained. But it's part of a toolkit, and it relies on people knowing that non-physical abuse will be taken seriously.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4546 posts Report Reply

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