Radiation by Fiona Rae

Two unpleasant things have happened over the holidays so far, apart, that is, from Jason Gunn narrating the Nutcracker and seeing R Kelly do his “In the Closet” saga on the MTV Video Awards repeat on C4. I’m trying hard to think of something worse, but is that the biggest load of bilge you’ve ever heard in your whole life? Does anything come even close? Answers on a postcard please.

Anyway, first my 93-year-old grandfather died in Christchurch and second, I put my back out so badly I could barely stand. Bugger and bugger. Luckily, the second event happened – is still happening – after the first, so I could at least make it to the South Island for the funeral, which was a decent affair as funerals go. I spoke, which is something you don't often do. Grandad knew a lot of people and was what’s usually referred to as a “character”. He had what's usually referred to as "a good innings". He wanted “My Way” played at the funeral and we sang “Abide With Me” and “The Lord’s My Shepherd”. It’s funny with hymns, you can kind of fudge the tune as long as there’s someone else who knows it.

One of the funniest things I saw over the couple of days in Christchurch, apart from the old guy who spoke at the funeral who kept saying “I thought you were long gone, Joe” was a discussion on Breakfast between Paul Henry, some tattooed guy from an ad agency and Dawn Raid’s Brother D. I found myself in reluctant admiration of Paul Henry. Yes. He’s basically as dry as a desert and he’s someone who knows who he is: a square. And he doesn’t have that militant square thing going on like Mike Hosking used to have, getting everyone to shine their shoes and all that nonsense (see how long that lasted). He doesn’t seem to want to tell us how to feel. He and Kay Gregory pick on Peter Williams. My mum especially likes it when Kay tells Paul to shut up. This Paul Henry appreciation is somewhat of a surprise to me (what’s next? Writing “Don 4 Eva” on my notebook cover? Voting for Rodney in the Metro poll?). Can’t wait for his TV show, Ends of the Earth, so I can stop liking him again.

But basically, Christmas telly is unrelenting rubbish and I would like to thank my whanau for the box set of Firefly I got for Christmas. Things are about to improve: TV3 is beginning Everybody Hates Chris and My Name Is Earl real soon, two sitcoms that have revitalised a genre that was being slowly tortured to death by Joey. Also, Angel fans, Bones starts on the same night – the new series in which David Boreanaz actually gets out into the sunlight. It’s fairly daft, but the actors play it for laughs, which gives it an edge over the other murder-as-entertainment shows.

I’d vaguely thought of a best-of blog to end the year, but I’m too full of Panadol and Nurofen Plus (note the “Plus” homebakers: it’s got codeine) to think of very many. Deadwood and Shameless definitely, Angel, Firefly, Veronica Mars, Outrageous Fortune ... umm, feel free to nominate some of your favourites/share thoughts on the year. Otherwise, stay safe at New Year, folks, and don’t forget the sunblock.

I’d like to draw your attention to a little gem called Julian and Camilla’s World Odyssey. Someone’s got to. For unfathomable and no doubt stupid reasons, TVNZ has seen fit to screen it at 1pm on a Thursday. Perhaps they think the slacker backpackers who might want to see it will be home then, or smoking dope in some hostel with others of their kind.

What they fail to understand, of course, is that it’s not only slacker backpackers who would like to see it. People who have never been backpacking might like to know how the other half lives and then they can say, “I’ve never been to a full moon party in Thailand, but I saw it on TV and it looked effing shocking.”

The show is pretty much as the name suggests: Julian and Camilla have recorded their travels – I saw last week’s episode in Thailand – but they managed to get in a few documentary-style items as well. Like talking to a “gender reassignment” surgeon in Thailand. I had a real sense of what it was like being there on the beach as everyone got loaded on a “bucket of joy” at the full moon party, or on Julian and Camilla’s train journeys or their trek, complete with elephant ride.

Speaking of stupid scheduling, National Radio’s Mediawatch played an interview last week with Anne-Marie Duff, general manager of programming at TVNZ, who said that the reason The Market is on at 10.30 at night is because it is censored to be there. I’m not entirely sure how the internal censorship thing works – the networks have their own censors, who give programmes ratings – but according to the BSA website, AO programmes can play after 8.30pm, or if they contain a greater degree of violence, sexual activity etc, should play after 9.30pm. Here’s the guidelines, if you scroll down to Appendix 1, it tells you the classifications and time zones. From the outside, Duff claiming her hands are tied seems like rubbish – after all, if CSI can play at 8.30pm, or Nip/Tuck at 9.30pm, why should The Market, which has hardly got continual sex and violence, play at 10.30pm? There’s no mention of a 10.30pm watershed time for programmes in the guidelines.

The thing that really, really, really irritates me, is that – with a couple of exceptions – TVNZ can’t see innovative television when it’s right in front of it. And it constantly squanders its opportunities to make innovative television. Like a great, big, stupid institution, it always takes the safest path which, I guess, has worked for quite a while. But now it’s stopped working, TVNZ doesn’t know what to do. Instead, we’re going to have to suffer through yet another bloody rebranding exercise courtesy of Saatchi & Saatchi.

Years ago, just before the Charter was instituted at TVNZ, there was a live debate on TVNZ about broadcasting. Rick Freisen, of TV3, was asked whether he thought the Charter would be bad for TVNZ. His reply was something along the lines of, “Don’t write off Rick Ellis. He’s a smart guy, he’ll find a way to make this thing work.” Ellis is gone now, of course, and what successive chief executives and boards and middle managers and heads of department have failed to have is a bloody vision that would have set TVNZ up as an innovator and creator of good telly. Jeez, they had free money to do so. Instead they’re now constantly being shown up by smarty-pants such Mark Jennings (TV3 head of news who set up Campbell Live) and Caterina De Nave (commissioner of bro’Town and Outrageous Fortune) and Andrew Shaw at Prime. And despite the fact that CanWest is global media organisation and Prime is now owned by Sky, they constantly look like the plucky underdogs.

Okay, ‘nuff said. Ocean liners take a long time to turn around and TVNZ has been crowing about its ratings for Insiders Guide to Happiness which, it must be said, was given the best possible time slot for a 9.30pm show – after the hugeness that is Desperate Housewives. They keep mentioning the new local dramas slated for next year as well – Rude Awakenings and Orange Roughies. The trouble with being reliant on British output, for TV1 anyway, is what happens when that output starts to suck. Here’s NZ On Air’s recent report into attitudes towards locally-made television: we want it.

In other news, Oprah has just appeared on Letterman after 16 years, quadrupling his viewership. The show plays here on Monday night – she was really doing it to promote the musical of The Color Purple.

Enjoyed this list of TV’s Top 10 Scariest Characters, although I dunno what John Locke from Lost is doing there. And I always thought Paulie, or Tony, from The Sopranos was scarier than Silvio.

One of Holmes’ texters this week sent in a sentiment we probably all share: “I’ll do Susan Wood’s job for half her pay packet and not yell at the kids”, although the Holmes show was only one of a series of media eating itself moments from the week.

In case you didn’t see it, which is likely, Holmes interviewed CanWest CEO Brent Impey about TVNZ’s troubles. Impey was very careful about what he said, but seemed pretty happy about his chance to promote Campbell Live. He did look as if he was going to get the giggles at one stage at the absurdity of the situation, but Holmes pressed on, trying to get him to say bad stuff about the competitor and in his extraordinary rant at the end, implying that Susan Wood was average (and that he was “great”).

The media definitely ate itself at Susan Wood’s ERA hearing, she even faced the inevitable “How are you feeling?" question afterwards. Wood, we were told, thinks that she’s worth more than $450,000. Fair enough. We’d all value ourselves at a million bucks given the chance, wouldn’t we? Have we learned nothing from Halle Berry in the make-up ads? (Or is it Andie MacDowell in the hair dye ads? I forget.) The point isn’t how much she values herself; it’s how much TVNZ thinks she’s worth. Television, you could say, is a world that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. She might be worth $450,000 to them now, but in six or 12 months’ time she might not; the Great God of Ratings will decide that.

However, I think it’s time for a new broom, a clean sweep, a spring clean of the Close Up cupboard and I’d like to put forward a few suggestions for Susan Wood’s replacement, most of whom would be very cheap and don’t even have any kids to shout at.

1. Marcus Lush. Universally loved since he went Off the Rails – by men for the trains and, with the release of the DVD, by their wives for giving them something to “buy dad for Christmas”. A good interviewer who is used to putting up with talkback nutters; has lived in Invercargill, which even South Islanders would concede is punishment enough. Bonus: Will work for model train parts. Could be a problem: Doesn’t like publicity.

2. Te Radar. Is reasonably up with the news as a result of making innumerable appearances on RNZ’s news comedy quiz show Off the Wire. Has even filled in for presenter Jon O’Leary. Has been interviewing politicians in bizarre Maori TV comedy B&B. Went to East Timor. Popular with the Ponsonby comedy-arts-latte sipping crowd as well as the National Radio, moustachioed suburban mainstream. Maori might think he’s one of them, although he’s lost most of his Herald-reading demographic since his column was made Premium Content on the website. Bonus: will work for walk shorts and contributions to Hori Ahipene’s sex change operation fund. Could be a problem: Mark Sainsbury’s superior moustache could raise jealousy issues.

3. Joe Cotton. Has also gained valuable news experience by appearing on Off the Wire. Her stint on the Mike King show proved she’s capable of asking people dumb questions and getting them to do stupid things. Is prepared to make a dick of herself and get her kit off which should instantly draw in the teenage boy demographic. Bonus: Does not need to be fed. Could be a problem: In a desperate bid for publicity, Mike King might do a tell-all in a woman’s mag and the resulting scandal will lead to questions in parliament and Joe’s resignation.

4. Any hot All Black with a marketing degree.

5. John Campbell. Bill Ralston offers him a million bucks. “Because he’s worth it.”

Other possibilities: The Naked Samoans, Mikey Havoc, Noelle McCarthy, Scribe, Petra Bagust, Georgina Beyer, Toni Marsh, Camilla Martin, Jacqui Brown, Hugh Sundae, Jeremy Wells, Paul Holmes. Any other suggestions welcome – and a new name for the show might be needed too. Far Out perhaps. Or maybe just Fucked Up.

Footnote: Just found this great item about The Fall's Mark E Smith. If only someone at TVNZ had an idea even half as good.

Small mercy no 1: Idol Rosita’s song going to number one and finally kicking off “Crazy Frog”, although “All I Ask” is a shitter isn’t it? Just when you thought nothing could be worse than the wrist-slashingly bad “Can’t Take That Away”, along something comes. I predict a rise in song-rage incidents: Rosita, on your head be it.

Small mercy no 2: instead of the usual “What the hell was that?” feeling when you’re watching Carnivàle, something is finally happening. The final, inevitable meeting between the devil in disguise, Brother Justin, and weirdo healer Ben Hawkins is just three episodes away. What does it all mean? Fuck knows. Good versus evil, or some such, but now that Ben (Nick Stahl) has stopped standing around gawping and barely speaking (for a lead character, quite crap really) Carnivàle is a big ol’ barrel of fun. Especially the evil hitman who has kidnapped Ben’s father and Iris, Justin’s murdering sister – I mean, who are the real freaks? Here’s the Television Without Pity recap, if it helps you catch up.

So I survived the Vortex of Geekery that is the Armageddon expo. Twice. I went to see the King Kong panel although I forget much of what they said, except that there seem to be more digital shots in Kong that there were in Lord of the Rings, because nearly everything was computer generated, or if it wasn’t, it was half computer-generated, like adding extra stories onto the buildings in the model of 1930s New York. There’s some really great stuff on kongisking.net, especially about the miniatures.

John Rhys-Davies also did a panel, although he seems happy enough to just open his mouth and see what falls out. He’s still in love with Peter Jackson, saying he’s done more to put us on the map than anyone since Cook. Hell, Peter’s probably responsible for the birth of three endangered stitchbirds too.

Tickets to a second advance screening of Serenity were on sale at Armageddon (I did wonder if I could lift one of the posters, but given they were in full view of the door security, it seemed unlikely), but I’d rather not have to endure the megascreen again. The box office in the US isn’t huge and the fans have been angsting, but I would guess DVD sales will help. Here’s a really great LA Times story about shooting Serenity in LA and the way to keep costs down – who knew doing it the old-fashioned way was actually cheaper? Someone tell Peter!

Here’s a quote of the week that didn’t quite make it into the Listener: “I thought you were autistic until you used the word ‘cunt’ in suspiciously appropriate circumstances!” That was Frank’s father in Shameless in an episode which went quite a way to explaining why he’s such a useless prick. It’s the best drama on TV right now. Desperate Housewives might be the most fun you can have with your pants on, but for sheer emotional impact, it’s Shameless all the way. In fact, Monday’s episode was like being punched in the stomach, with the wrenching exit of James McAvoy’s character, Steve. I guess he had to get down to New Zealand to play Mr Tumnus and then back to Britain to play Robin Hood. Yes.

Good news everybody, our state broadcaster, the one with all the money, is finally showing a drama, or at least one that isn’t on at 10.30 at night like The Market. The Insiders Guide to Love starts November 7, with the best possible lead-in, Desperate Housewives. According to Onfilm, TV1 is counting on its new local drama next year, as the British ones haven’t been up to much this year. There’s the new Screenworks show Orange Roughies to come and the urban drama Rude Awankenings. Meanwhile, TV3 is said to be considering another series of The Pretender, as Dennis Plant (played by Bob McLaren), the National candidate for Wakatipu South, actually won the seat and has been delivered to parliament. Brilliant. Also, one of the local comedies that played so late at night recently is going to be spun off into a series; we’ll know which one early next year.

fireflyfans.net and browncoats.com are counting down to the release of Serenity (and they have different countdowns, btw) but who cares? I’ve seen it! Hah!

The line was very long at the megascreen in the Village Force cinema complex, hereafter known as the Worst Cinema Complex in the World, on Monday 19 September and sadly, we were near the back, but nevertheless, there was a welcome by a chap from United Pictures, a long-ish King Kong trailer, a trailer for some other movie that I can’t remember because it looked crappy, and a pre-recorded message from Joss Whedon himself.

And the movie of course, which I’m not going to tell you about because now the sacred trust of the Whedonverse has been passed on to those who attended. All I can say is that some very cool things happen, some very funny things happen, something really shocking happens and I enjoyed it very much. Reader Morgan had warned me about the sight lines at the megascreen and he wasn’t wrong – we got a seat at the side of the theatre and consequently any character standing on the extreme right of the screen was twice as wide as those in the middle. Perhaps it was just a devious ploy to make the fans who got the crappy seats go back and see the movie again. Guys, you needn’t have bothered.

Entertainment Weekly has a story in its September 16 issue about the use of early screeners, the Internet, world of mouth and the fans spreading the buzz about Serenity. Make it into a hit; get another one made. It can be tricky getting into the ew.com website, you generally have to be a subscriber. Try this story anyway. Also, there’s this cute story from tv.com. All I can say is, I’ve had sex.

TV3 has picked up a number of good shows for its 2006 season, especially My Name Is Earl, Everybody Hates Chris and Prison Break. It also has Kitchen Confidential, which I couldn’t possibly say that I’ve seen and can’t tell you is disappointing. 3 also has David Boreanaz’s next show, Bones, which is basically worth watching for him and co-star Emily Deschanel. That old Mulder and Scully chemistry thing never gets old. TV3 has confirmed a second series of Outrageous Fortune and a third series of bro’Town and there’s a new local drama series called Doves of War as well, written by Greg McGee (Street Legal). Stars Scott Wills, Blair Strang, Robbie Magasiva and Aussies Andy Rodoreda and Kate Atkinson. Kids’ series Maddigan’s Quest is also in the line-up.

Heard Mikey Havoc talking on the radio about how much shit was on television the other day. Just something to ponder.

Here’s a worrying trend. And check out Martha Stewart’s catchphrase. The US series set in Iraq, Over There, starts on Sky Movies 1 on October 5, although these soldiers are less than impressed.