Radiation by Fiona Rae

Did you discover how normal you were on, er, How Normal Are You?. I was glad of the presence of Dr Brian Edwards, Cynic for Hire. He was hoping they’d find that the New Zealand norm was “kinky, eccentric and wild”, but I don’t think we should be holding our breath. Despite the expert psychologist saying we can trust the figures, you’d still have to say that the results of the test are based on people who a) had access to the Internet and b) could be bothered to do a quiz.

It seems strange that a television show is searching for what is normal when in general television constantly searches for what is not normal. The people in the studio audience who didn’t fit the norm were the ones who got on the screen and it was as if they were assembling our own cast from Twin Peaks – Laughing Woman and Goth Guy.

Is Last Man Standing Charter money, or just ordinary money? It’s definitely tax-payer money. I don’t mind Aussie/Kiwi television co-productions per se, but Last Man Standing is about 99 percent Australian and 1 percent Miriama Smith. At least TVNZ isn’t claiming it’s “local” anymore.

So far, it’s a more male-centred Secret Life of Us, down to the guys having a kick-around in the park, except that they kick a footy ball rather than a soccer ball. I guess girls play soccer. It’s also carrying on the grand tradition started by The Secret Life of Us of having characters drinking a lot on screen. TSLoU is the proud winner of two Boozies in this regard. The Aussies do make competent drama and they don’t have the weight of the industry riding on their shoulders when they do, although if LMS is a drama aimed at men, perhaps Friday night at 9.30pm wasn’t such a great time to schedule it, not when there’s sport on elsewhere and real drinking to do.

Folks, there is drama of our very own coming, thank goodness. It’s been a long time between drinks. OnFilm has a story called “Dramatic Turnaround for TVNZ” which outlines green-lit productions and of course TV3 has Outrageous Fortune in production. I’m particularly looking forward to seeing Antony Starr playing twins. Also, Seven Periods with Mr Gormsby is starting on May 6.

Firefly ended on a fairly duff episode, but I suspect that the episodes were played out of order. Two weren’t even screened in the US, presumably the two weakest ones. Yay for the fifth season opener of Angel, which looked quite expensive and had Matrix-style martial arts. There’s a loooong episode recap here. By all accounts, it’s going to be a season of conflicted characters and difficult choices. Business as usual then.

Here’s something scary to think about and a friend visiting the US says that this show is a scream.

And is Ricky Gervais laughing with them or at them?

Yes, they would swear like Tony Soprano on a bad day and make nasty suggestions regarding the course of action their rivals should take. No, not Deadwood, silly, the heads of news and current affairs at the country’s television stations. Remember, folks, we’re paying Biffo Ralston to call it as he sees it and he did a fine job of reflecting media attention back onto TVNZ.

It made him sound worried though. If they’re going to watch a current affairs show at all, Aucklanders especially, and young people in general, are surely more likely to watch Campbell Live. It’s certainly doing what it should be doing: setting its own agenda. It looks like a proper show, whereas Paul Holmes looks under-resourced and a little bit sad. Perhaps they’re spending all the money on Paul’s salary. I think they should just run with all the tearjerking interviews Paul's been doing lately and turn it into an antipodean Barbara Walters-type thing.

Meanwhile, Deadwood is looking like goddamn art, don’t you think? EB Farnum’s lone rant about Al Swearengen a couple of episodes ago was straight-out theatre. I swear there’s less swearing now than in the first episode – David Milch knew it would cause a fuss, although he has written in defence of the language. He is quoted in this New York Times opinion piece. I guess we’ve been spoiled by too many Sunday westerns and episodes of Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman. It’s not even The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, although Timothy Olyphant is channelling Clint Eastwood a little in his portrayal of Seth Bullock.

Woo-hoo, Mal finally got laid! And with Julie Cooper too! Although in the best tradition of hero gets the girl-hero loses the girl (see: Starsky & Hutch, Miami Vice et al), she died at the end. Sigh. And are there any more sexy words than "I plan to take things real slow"? Except maybe "Relax, hon, I'll do the dishes" that is. I should point out at this juncture that Firefly fans will know what I’m talking about. There’s only about one ep left, but we will not be totally Whedon-less, as TV3 has scheduled season five of Angel next, which should take us close to September and Serenity the movie. It’s interesting that DVD sales are now beginning to drive the market a little bit. Strong DVD sales resurrected Family Guy. It’s unlikely that will happen with Firefly, because Joss is just too damn busy being a big-shot movie director and all. Hell, between Deadwood and Firefly, I’m beginning to talk like Calamity Jane! Motherwhaka!

Some of you good folks (okay, I’ll stop now) have noticed that The Wire has rolled over into season two. If you start now, you won’t miss too much, as the show tends to unravel like a novel. This time it’s set in working-class Polish culture down on Baltimore’s docks, but there’s Greeks, Russians and the drug dealers from the projects still in the mix.

Meantime, reader Shaun is appalled by:

The Inspectors on Tuesday night. The Marketing Manager or PR consultant for the White House should get a fairly decent bonus this year. In the course of the half-hour show the White House was featured in all three segments of the show, shown as a very "clean" establishment, the manager was able to show the new "features" of the venue including a lovely smoking deck upstairs, and the pool table where one can, if one wishes, play nude pool with one of the establishment’s employees. As someone who works in the marketing industry this, along with all the show promos during the previous week, would have literally been worth thousands of $$ in exposure. I hope they didn't get funding from NZ on Air.

Millsy shares a CSI: Miami drinking game:

You simply drink each time Horatio puts on or takes off his sunglasses. You'll drink more than you expect!

Perhaps there’s a similar one for CSI: NY. Anytime there’s blue lighting perhaps? No, wait, that would be all the time.

Sir Ian McKellan is to appear in Coronation Street. And the new Dr Who is quite good.

Now, I like a good bit of cussing as much as the next gal. Heck, I’ve even been known to use certain plosive expletives myself. But did anyone else find the swearing in Deadwood’s first episode distracting? I didn’t think it would matter, but I was so busy thinking, “Would they really have cussed like Tony Soprano on a bad day back then?” that I missed what was going on.

And there seemed a certain cynicism in that Calamity Jane was the first to use the c-word. Equal opportunity swearing! There’s something a wee bit playground about it; they were just cussin’ for the effect. Anyways, if you’d like to know the tally, here’s where to find it. Meantime, HBO keeps a Dead Cu – er – Count.

So I was feeling a bit let down and there was a Somalian model masturbating with her new clitoris on Nip/Tuck – and who doesn’t want to see that? – and I forgot to watch the second ep on Monday, except for the end. I’m told it was much better than the first. The video recorder will be ready next week. Good to see Wormtongue with a regular gig too – under that stick-on moustache, he’s Doc Cochran.

There’s an incredible profile of Deadwood creator David Milch in the Feb 14 & 21 issue of The New Yorker, btw, in which Mark Singer describes how Yale graduate Milch once spent a whole year typing the same 12 pages every day. Consequently, for obsessive-compulsive reasons, he doesn’t go near a keyboard and instead lies in a room surrounded by about 13 assistants and screenwriting students and kind of channels the characters while others type. He talks about ego suppression and his idea of storytelling being spiritual. It doesn’t seem to available online, but it’s worth having a look at Magazzino.

If I’d known CSI: Miami was such a riot, I might have watched more often. Or maybe it’s just funny when Horrible Horatio visits NY, as in last Sunday’s “crossover” episode, which introduced new franchisee CSI: NY. I swear, William Shatner wrote the script, which was something like:

Horatio: “We. Want. This. Guy – AsYouKnow, Miami. Has. The. Death. Penalty.”
Mac: “So. Does. New. York.”
Horatio [smugly]: “Yes. But. You. Haven’t. Executed. Since. 1976.”
Mac [sighs]: “Politics.”

New York was bathed in a cold, blue light; if it wasn’t winter, it looked like it; and suddenly, there’s Horatio, standing in a dark apartment, in New York in the winter, with his sunglasses on bathed in a kind of orangey glow. He brought Miami with him!

It was funnier than Green Wing which, on first inspection, seems to be a mix of The Office and Scrubs. The Brits generally don’t seem to feel the need to create loveable characters, unlike the Americans, who are so desperate for you to tune in next week that even their baddies are goodies – hey, even Al Swearengen was a little glassy-eyed and pathetic when the hooker that he’d beaten up put her gun on the side table and got into bed with him.

I like Tamsin Greig very much though, since Black Books, so will give Green Wing another go. Incredibly, Tamsin was in The Archers. Here’s an online chat with her from Black Books days.

I think it’s good that Paul Holmes is tucked away on Prime now. I wonder if the demographics will settle down: Paul Holmes will be a sort-of Flipside for senior citizens and talkback radio idiots; Close Up will be mum-and-dad mainstream who want to be told what to think; and Honest John Campbell’s show, Campbell Live, will capture the young(er) folk.

Here’s something interesting from the NY Times about how the Oscars are being sexed up for the ratings. Also, Chris Rock isn’t going to hold back, according to the LA Weekly.

Holy crap, The Wire has been fantastic. It’s one of those rare series in which you actually forget that people are acting. The Sopranos is maybe the only other one that does that. There’s only about four eps left though, people, so it’s possibly a bit late to get into it. It’s had three seasons in all, but it may not get a fourth. There’s a Save The Wire campaign of course.

Did anyone see the new, improved Battlestar Galactica? I didn’t, but does anyone else think Number Six is suspiciously like Seven of Nine with fewer clothes?

Lastly, it’s reported that Joel Silver wants Joss Whedon for a Wonder Woman movie. I wonder if Joss would be better at one of those ensemble things, like X-Men, but if anyone can, he’s the guy – you’ve gotta say that he really likes women in the best possible way. I’m thinking Lucy Lawless for Wonder Woman! Yes!

Good evening gentlemen, it is a pleasure to return to Owhuku. A year ago, I argued that all New Zealanders should have the same rights, regardless of race, creed, religion or hairstyle. This year, I am here to outline another threat to hard-working New Zealanders.

The Notional Party has uncovered a deeply entrenched system that provides too many handouts to those that least deserve them. I am of course talking about the C-list celebrities, fashionistas, PR trouts, ad company executives, media hacks, radio personalities, lingerie models, so-called “uber-high flying tele-types”, “local stars”, “chick-mag presenters” and the various lollygaggers, hangers-on and drummers who receive benefits above and beyond any that the ordinary New Zealander could hope to receive.

The types of benefits and freebies I’m talking about are wide and varied; clearly it’s a gravy train that is careering out of control. Many of these people are long-term beneficiaries and have made a lifestyle decision in which they enjoy something for nothing – indeed that they should actually celebrate the fact.

Invitations to the opening nights of gala events, movies, theatrical performances, fundraisers, exhibitions and awards ceremonies; free clothing; free passes backstage to concerts and the like; free corporate boxes and tents; and even free holidays are not uncommon for this group of New Zealanders, as are promotional parties to launch anything from hair products to cars. Often these parties are little more than excuses to binge drink and behave in a manner that ordinary, decent New Zealanders find abhorrent.

Indeed, in some extreme cases, the beneficiaries of such largesse are actually paid by magazines to have weddings or babies. Even more incredibly, some media outlets celebrate the fact that there are a group of New Zealanders enjoying such a lifestyle – which may include free clothing, footwear, CDs and even alcohol – without having any discernable talents other than their ability to turn up and have their photos taken.

In a never-ending cycle of dependency, their exploits are documented by other beneficiaries in scandal sheets such as About Town and Metro, rubbing their good fortune in the faces of the tens of thousands of New Zealanders who work overtime or take second jobs.

We are sending absolutely the wrong signal to the next generation about what is needed to get ahead in life and are raising children who will think it is their birthright to receive free CDs and PlayStation games in the mail.

Worse, the past year has seen transparent attempts to disguise the real extent of the problem by shifting these benefit bludgers to another scheme – the so-called celebrity newspaper column – when in fact they have nothing useful to say to anyone and would be better engaged in community work. I do not deny that there are deserving columnists, but editors around the country have found themselves under pressure to approve such a transfer when in reality the beneficiaries do not meet the established standards of insight and talent that would entitle them to be paid money to share their thoughts. Shockingly, some of those to have taken advantage of this scheme are thought to be elected members of Parliament.

The Notional Party will move to reduce the numbers of people dependent on these handouts and take measures that will force those taking advantage of the system to actively pursue real jobs, such as designing underwear, presenting reality or home makeover television programmes or building inner-city apartments.

This would restore some much-needed dignity to those with limited skills and break the cycle of dependency for those with an addiction to this junket culture. In addition, we will move to stop the New Zealanders who have extra children and appear more than once in a woman’s magazine.

Ordinary New Zealanders should have the same entitlements as these freeloaders and Notional will ensure that they receive what they deserve. A redistribution based on need not on fame or image will lead to increased self-esteem and self-confidence among ordinary New Zealanders, as well as real financial benefits when they offload their free stuff at Real Groovy or on trademe. Real Kiwi battlers, Notional has not forgotten you – if elected we pledge that there will be free stuff, parties with Deutz on tap and fashionable clothing for everyone.

Followers of Joss, I hope you’re watching Firefly, the most fun to be had on television since, well, Angel. Last week’s episode, written by Whedon, contained many excellent lines and general amusement. My favourite: “If you take sexual advantage of her you’re going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre.”

Or how about: “I couldn’t help it! She was all naked and … and … articulate!” Heh. (More quotes here.) There is some fan talk that Firefly is a little Angel-like. You know, there’s a lot of fun to be had making the brooding vampire/captain uncomfortable and the Firefly characters are roughly parallel to the Angel characters. We’ll never really know how Angel-y or otherwise it was going to get, owing to the fact that is was cancelled by Fox. But, depending on how well Serenity the movie goes, there might be a trilogy – here’s an interview with Alan Tudyk, who plays Wash, and was also the robot in I, Robot. Also, Whedon and the entire cast of Serenity turned up at the San Diego Comic Con and there’s lots of geek fun to be had here.

The amazing thing is the level of adulation that Whedon inspires – not just the fans. Casts and crew invariably rave about his genius/how they’ll never have another role like this one/how much they cried when the show ended. Like Peter Jackson, Whedon seems to be very good at picking ensemble casts and he inspires loyalty of Jackson-like proportions. Peter Jackson and Joss Whedon at a dinner party – now there’s a conversation I’d chew off my arm to hear.

You have to be on your toes to be a fan, you know. Tape at the ready every Tuesday night at 11.00pm (TV3). I can also recommend The Wire – that’s Wednesday night at 11.30pm (TV2) or so. Warning: your intelligence not be insulted, so you may not immediately get all the characters/language/plot etc if you’re coming into it cold. This Salon.com story gives a good explanation and also creator David Simon talks about the perpetual “war on drugs” in the US that he says has become a war on the underclass. He has some fascinating insights into what real cops think as well.

The writing is brilliant; according to Simon the show is a “sort of visual novel”, a couple of weeks back there was a scene where the detectives investigated an old crime scene and the only word they uttered was “fuck” or variants of it (“Fuckity fuck fuck fuck”). I had a “what the hell did I just see?” moment, which is pretty rare.

So there’s not a lot else on the box right now – but there’s going to be. The big US series start soon, you know, ER, Nip/Tuck, Cold Case etc and some Brit ones like Spooks. TV3 has started promo-ing CSI: NY as well. Can’t wait for Lost and also Deadwood, another HBO series, is starting on Prime soon. Here’s an interesting interview with Dominic Monaghan, who fell into a bit of a depression after Lord of the Rings, but was saved by surfing. A part on one of the top-rating shows in the US can’t have hurt either.

I guess Campbell’s Gamble wasn’t good enough for TV3 which is, according to the Sunday Star Times, having trouble deciding on a name for the 7pm John Campbell show. The paper asked an ad agency come up with a few others – including On the John – but feel free to make suggestions to Radiation. How about just The John? It has a certain Donald Trump feel to it. Or what about Marvellous? How about Flipside? No-one’s using that these days. Dear God, please let the show be better than the confused nonsense on Close Up and please make the government ban those stupid phone polls that are really only a poll of the people who bothered ringing and were willing to spend the money.

Millsy writes that he saw a stage version of Mr Gormsby (which is being made into Seven Periods with Mr Gormsby for TV) some years ago and:

Quite frankly it was superb. One of the amazing things about it was that it entertained both a right winger like me and my very left wing friend. If they do it properly, it could be a breakout hit. But they will have to keep it's edge.

Don’t forget there’s some actual local drama starting this week – Mataku (TV1, Wednesday, 9.40pm). Extraordinary.