Speaker by Various Artists

79

Family First, Blowjob Later

by Anke Richter 16NOV07

Prior to last week, I would have said that Bob McCoskrie was not on my list of friends.

What he personifies used to be called 'reactionary' in the old days, now it calls itself 'family values'. Family values are the perfect stealth vehicle for transporting right-wing politics into society by means of a pleasant name. 'Christian fundamentalism' or 'moralistic fascism' -- while technically more accurate -- doesn't sound nearly as good.

In a similar way, the name of Bob McCoskrie's lobby group Family First is a masterpiece of misdirection. Who doesn't like families? Who wouldn't want to put them first? Of course, "Democracy Last" might be a more truthful name, but it's nowhere near as cuddly.

Even though I am a mother of two, I still haven't quite figured out what 'family values' are exactly. Hatred of gay people? Hatred of unmarried parents? Hatred of atheists? Hatred of anyone who isn't one of those picture-perfect families cloned somewhere in the Midwestern American Bible belt?

Bob's Bible-fearing troops had their first field-day with Sue Bradford's 'Child Discipline Bill' earlier this year. Bob was up in arms. What would this country come to if parents were stopped from exercising their God-given physical powers on their children's bottoms? Surely New Zealand would end up like Sweden, where they banned smacking half-a-century ago. And look what they've been up to since: nothing but porn movies. Bob has to stop that.

Family First called for a big rally to defend the right to hit. Thousands came, but the loophole in the law was changed nevertheless. That has made Bob even angrier. And it has got him thinking. When the latest sad statistics about sexual abuse in young New Zealand women hit the news, Bob McCoskrie's brain went into overdrive. His widely-reported analysis was that "sexual liberation" was the cause of this abuse. Go figure.

You'd think that this would've been the last that we would ever hear of Bob McCoskrie. But no, he has resurfaced again, thanks to a new television show called 'Californication'. Family First has called for a boycott of this US import because former X-Files star Dave Duchovny is given an on-screen blowjob by a nun in a church. It's a dream sequence, no genitals in actual sight, and it's only half as twisted as some of the freakish stuff in the Old Testament, but nevertheless, it was enough for the moral majority to scream "Blasphemy!".

This outrageous scandal, by the way, screened at 9.30 pm -- when, according to my own family values, kids should be fast asleep and parents sampling another glass of Shiraz. Although the ratings jumped up, some consumer companies got scared, and moved their advertising to less sleazy slots.

And that's why the commercial breaks on 'Californication' no longer feature a certain budding actor, who sits on a sofa, and fills his stupid fat gob with a vile New Zealand confectionary called 'Pineapple Lumps'.

This alteration to the programme will save numerous families from foolish candy purchases, and the consequent blight of pineapple-induced tooth decay. And it also means that I no longer want to throw up during the advertisements, which has greatly increased my viewing enjoyment of 'Californication'.

So THANK YOU, Bob McCoskrie. Perhaps, after all, you really are my friend.

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