Hard News by Russell Brown

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Hard News: Women and their representations

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  • linger,

    Women’s mags: inconceivably superficial?

    Tokyo • Since Apr 2007 • 1938 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha, in reply to Russell Brown,

    I'm laughing well before that point.

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19735 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown, in reply to Sacha,

    I’m laughing well before that point.

    Oh yes. But I'd managed to pull myself together by the end of the post itself. And then that first comment ...

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22843 posts Report Reply

  • Sacha, in reply to Russell Brown,

    quite. #roflnui

    Ak • Since May 2008 • 19735 posts Report Reply

  • Tamara, in reply to Lilith __,

    Wow, that's disturbing!

    New Zealand • Since Oct 2010 • 115 posts Report Reply

  • Lucy Stewart, in reply to Russell Brown,

    I thought I had regained my composure but then I got to the comments and became utterly helpless with laughter.

    I reached that point by "try cooking topless and smear some tomato sauce on your nipples".

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 2105 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __, in reply to Russell Brown,

    Jezebel on Cosmo’s 44 most ridiculous sex tips for ladies.

    OK I fed some of these into the travesty generator and the output was about as intelligible as the input:

    "Hold his penis in one hand and honey or whipped cream [in the dark]. Not being too gentle Take his head as the numbers are a fun way to wake up his nerves Firmly hold the encounter... you can tap it with ice water next to the base Alternate between swiveling both wrists in one hand and stroking your hands upward, twisting your vibrator is out of batteries Wear a cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there When he's good and hard, whisper something in his penis through the skin on his shaft between you need. When he's good and stroking your vibrator is out of batteries Wear a cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there When he's good and stroking your open palms and slowly push it towards the nerves Firmly hold the encounter... Aim for the top of the head begins, then move your pocket and touch his head several times 34 percent of guys say they walk in the door Fifty-six percent of guys say they walk in the door Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head."

    Dammit, next time I will firmly hold the encounter! I knew I was doing something wrong....

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3891 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Lilith __,

    Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head.

    To... giving it?

    It is so nice, BTW, to walk into a thread and find the tone already lowered.

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown, in reply to Emma Hart,

    Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head.

    To… giving it?

    In the original the end of the sentence was "standing up". Or "lying down". One of those, anyway.

    It is so nice, BTW, to walk into a thread and find the tone already lowered.

    We knew you were, er, coming.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22843 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __, in reply to Russell Brown,

    In the original the end of the sentence was “standing up”. Or “lying down”. One of those, anyway.

    I ran the generator a few times and the phrase "grasp the tennis ball" appeared frequently. Also the door-knob. Which is good advice if you're one of that percentage of men who likes to walk in the door.

    I guess the more arcane they make the advice, the more you think you need it. Do any of these Cosmo articles suggest talking to your partner about what you each like, before everybody starts grasping in figures-of-eight and spraying ice water?

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3891 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to Russell Brown,

    Oh people, I just have to share this: Jezebel on Cosmo’s 44 most ridiculous sex tips for ladies.

    Which is hilariously awful, but I've got to admit some of them are downright creepy. Perhaps I'm missing something in my gay dudeness, but anyone who's going to manipulate my junk like it's a childproof cap on a bottle of drain cleaner is kind of missing the point of the exercise. Shagging is supposed to be mutually pleasurable, no? Not a scene from one of those Saw flicks..

    Others need to be on another list: Signs you may be shagging a serial killer.

    "Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie."

    Trust me on this - playing porn during sex may not be as much fun as you'd think. Men are so easily distracted... Might want to give the horror movies a swerve for much the same reason.

    "As you're eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, 'See how I'm devouring this piece of meat? That's how I'm going to devour you.'"

    Not a good idea if your favourite sexy-time horror movie is The Silence of The Lambs or a George Romero marathon.

    "When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and aaahs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action."

    In certain jurisdictions, you're a misdial away from "accidentally" finding yourself on a sex offender's register. Hawt...

    "Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power."

    This would be a delightful way to pep up an episode of Target. Otherwise. No. Just no.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    Speaking of depictions of women in the media ...

    How and why the fuck does Julie Bindel keep getting a soapbox?

    I believed then, and I believe now, that if bisexual women had an ounce of sexual politics, they would stop sleeping with men.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22843 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Russell Brown,

    We knew you were, er, coming.

    So many come-backs. So few suitable for public consumption. (Man. That would have been a really bad time for a typo.)

    But yeah, women telling women what men like sexually. The only universal tip I think of right now is "warm your hands up first".

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart, in reply to Russell Brown,

    How and why the fuck does Julie Bindel keep getting a soapbox?

    What the FUCK?

    No, that's all I got. What the fuck?

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown, in reply to Emma Hart,

    But yeah, women telling women what men like sexually. The only universal tip I think of right now is “warm your hands up first”.

    To which I would have to say "not necessarily" and "depends where you're putting them".

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22843 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah, in reply to Emma Hart,

    The only universal tip I think of right now is “warm your hands up first”.

    Not necessarily.... depending.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown, in reply to Deborah,

    Snap!

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22843 posts Report Reply

  • Sarah Wedde,

    The only universal tip I think of right now
    is “warm your hands up first”.

    At least check that, yes, they really would prefer your icy cold hands of doom.

    Lower Hutt • Since Nov 2006 • 66 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __, in reply to Sarah Wedde,

    At least check that, yes, they really would prefer your icy cold hands of doom.

    Or your ice water. Spritz, spritz!! That’s gotta get you excited. :-)

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3891 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to Russell Brown,

    To which I would have to say “not necessarily” and “depends where you’re putting them”.

    If someone’s treated your scrotum like a hacky-sack, it’s somewhat beside the point. They really need to stop, then take a vow of celibacy until the Cosmo sub expires. Seriously, that rag seems to be be the parish newsletter of licentious Puritanism. Why the hell would any woman want to fuck when it’s such a God-awful chore? (And did I just answer my own question?)

    Or your ice water. Spritz, spritz!! That’s gotta get you excited. :-)

    It's going to put your man off dry-humping the legs of the coffee table, anyway. Eventually.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Moz, in reply to Lilith __,

    Or your ice water. Spritz, spritz!! That’s gotta get you excited. :-)

    Hint for cosmo readers: if he's jumping up and down screaming and holding his genitals he's probably not excited in a good way. And if you get trampled in the rush as he's trying to get away, well, sometimes bad things happen to stupid people.

    (apparently they need to be told these things).

    Also, I'm keeping my "child proof cap" safely inside my pants. Thanks for that image. But at least it will give Emma a huge new list of euphemisms.

    Sydney, West Island • Since Nov 2006 • 1233 posts Report Reply

  • Nat, in reply to Deborah,

    The only universal tip I think of right now is “warm your hands up first”.

    Not necessarily.... depending.

    That's how you warm them up isn't it? ;-)

    Seattle • Since Jun 2011 • 52 posts Report Reply

  • Lilith __,

    I think these beauty/sex/fashion magazines all work the same way, as Russell mentioned earlier.

    If personal grooming, getting dressed, and having sex can be made subject to rules which are complicated, ritualised, and certain to change…then you have a captive market. The more anxious and insecure we are, the more products we’ll buy, and the more advice we’ll want.

    Heaven forbid we treat sex partners as people, much like ourselves, who can tell us what they like and what they want, and listen when we tell them what we like and what we want.
    No, we have to already know what any partner wants, in any context, or we have to guess it based on some kind of baloney statistic.
    [And do they know what we want? That doesn’t often get mentioned. Except that if we’re not having a good enough time, then it must somehow be our fault, and we need more advice.]

    My advice: forget doing figure-eights with your tongue, spit out the mango, and use your mouth to talk to your partner.

    Dunedin • Since Jul 2010 • 3891 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    Huzzah, have finally cracked the Cosmo Basecode for Modern Women:

    Fucking will drive you nuts - not that you're supposed to enjoy it anyway.

    Everything else causes cancer.

    Hate yourself, because everything you do is wrong.

    Buy makeup.

    See you next month.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah, in reply to Craig Ranapia,

    You forgot: also, you might be too fat.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1447 posts Report Reply

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