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Speaker: Medical Journal, Chapter V

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  • BenWilson, in reply to Paul Williams,

    You don't think there'd be a high degree of impotence amongst that mob?

    They may be shooting blanks, but they're shooting. Every post.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10657 posts Report Reply

  • andin, in reply to Danielle,

    Im sorry that's not the correct method of flagellation.
    I can say no more.
    ;-)

    raglan • Since Mar 2007 • 1891 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen R,

    Lying back on the table, the doctor had some music playing to try to keep things relaxed. The nurse and doctor both looked very confused as my wife and I became wracked with spasms of laughter, while they were poking around "down there" with sharp implements.

    The music that had just started playing was "You've lost that loving feeling..."

    I'm pleased to report that after the bruising wore off, it wasn't true.

    Wellington • Since Jul 2009 • 259 posts Report Reply

  • BenWilson, in reply to recordari,

    but having women in the discussion just makes it feel more normal, and safer, somehow.

    Yes, me too. The "birds and the bees" discussion in my early puberty was done by my mother, while Dad hid.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 10657 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby, in reply to Danielle,

    I now have a perverse desire for you all to gather in a circle in the bush somewhere and beat each other meaningfully with small handfuls of aromatic twigs.

    swift-feather has already put up his drum.

    also, re: prostate check, a few years back my grandfather got very very bad cancer. he survived, and warned me to ensure i got tested, "but not the fingery-bottomy one - get the blood test because no amount of prodding revealed this cancer."

    i dutifully headed into the GP ad asked for said test. he replied i was too young and to come back when i was nearing 40+. i insisted, and he resisted. i insisted again, and he resisted.

    took me a little while to twig that he thought i was looking for a low-cost prod in the telecom symbol!

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia, in reply to Danielle,

    I now have a perverse desire for you all to gather in a circle in the bush somewhere and beat each other meaningfully with small handfuls of aromatic twigs.

    By “small handfuls of aromatic twigs”, I assume you mean “ rusty nail-studded cricket bat”? :)

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • st ephen, in reply to Islander,

    I have driven a 1997 Mitsubishi Delica Spacegear Jasper ...

    Oooo I have one of those - it has 4WD and bull bars, so it's the people mover of choice for middle-aged men in denial. When people see me dropping the kids off at music or picking them up from sports practice I see them thinking "Now there's a man who could drive over the median strip if he felt like it".

    dunedin • Since Jul 2008 • 254 posts Report Reply

  • recordari, in reply to BenWilson,

    The “birds and the bees” discussion in my early puberty was done by my mother, while Dad hid.

    It was at this time a book turned up next to the Tom Robbins on the shelf that promised to 'Make it happy'.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen, in reply to Danielle,

    beat each other meaningfully with small handfuls of aromatic twigs

    Can't we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report Reply

  • Stephen Judd,

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 3122 posts Report Reply

  • recordari, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    Can’t we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    But, but, I’ve done that with Emma and Megan before (Ok Hayden was there too), so that’s not sufficiently blokey, all in all.

    AUCKLAND • Since Dec 2009 • 2607 posts Report Reply

  • James Butler, in reply to recordari,

    Can’t we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    But, but, I’ve done that with Emma and Megan before (Ok Hayden was there too), so that’s not sufficiently blokey, all in all.

    And I would feel left out, having no idea what "field placements" means.

    Now, THERE's a difficult admission to make...

    Auckland • Since Jan 2009 • 856 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby, in reply to Stephen Judd,

    Men’s retreats.

    yup... my uncle was involved in them in Aust, and he can be as fruity the cake.

    long since came out, thank christ. it turned him into a normal person.

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Williams, in reply to Bart Janssen,

    Can't we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    I do that from time to time but generally with a bunch of lesbians... don't know what to make of that.

    Sydney • Since Nov 2006 • 2273 posts Report Reply

  • Emma Hart,

    Can't we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    Um, yeah, what would you like to discuss?

    Christchurch • Since Nov 2006 • 4651 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    sure – to return to the thread topic – do you think that the NZ cricket team would perform better if we threatened to chop off their balls?

    At the very least Darwin might kick in making for better teams in future generations …

    (as a side effect the very least the number of incidents on international flights might decrease)

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2623 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby, in reply to Paul Campbell,

    do you think that the NZ cricket team would perform better if we threatened to chop off their balls?

    i'd thought the same about the ABs, but there last few WC "finals" seem to have demonstrated they have none to start with.

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    I think it's the sort of threat you can only act upon once (or twice)

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2623 posts Report Reply

  • Che Tibby,

    considering the years of huff and puff and no result, it might have already happened.

    the back of an envelope • Since Nov 2006 • 2042 posts Report Reply

  • Pat Hackett,

    Field placements...

    Think of your testes as a cricket pitch. There are two sets of fieldsmen - one on the on-side and one on the off-side. You don't have to worry about the off-side - you can hit the ball through there all day and all night and never get into any trouble. But the on-side fieldsmen are like Jonty Rhodes on speed, and what's more, there are hundreds of them - nay, thousands. One slip up, one unintended shot in the air and you will be caught out. Whammo, baby time.

    But one simple procedure and all the on-side fieldsmen disappear. You know they are still there somewhere, but you can't see them anymore, and certainly there is no chance of any of them catching you out. You can relax and your batting partner, she can relax as well. You don't even need a helmet. And Time at the Crease takes on a whole new meaning.

    Auckland • Since Oct 2010 • 95 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    Are there any good willy jokes?

    Willy good? Or willy, willy good ones?

    I'll get me coat: this man is retreating. :)

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • Rich Lock,

    .Men's retreats

    Hosted at a domain called achewood.com. Aheheheheheh.

    back in the mother countr… • Since Feb 2007 • 2728 posts Report Reply

  • Ross Mason,

    Can’t we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    Compliments of here

    The first part is an oldie and a goodie. The rest I hadn't seen before but could be better.

    Cricket is played by two sides.

    The side that is In and the side that is not in, or Out.

    Now the side that is In goes all out to stay in, while the side that is Out goes all out to get the side In out.

    Once the side that is In, goes out, the side that is Out is now In. The side that was Out, but is now In, goes all out to stay in, and the side that was In, but is now Out, goes all out to get the side that was Out, but is now in, out.

    Once the Team that was In has gotten the team that was Out, but is now In, out, the two sides do it again, this is called an Innings, there are only two innings (thankfully, I'm confused enough).

    Add to this the ability to hit the ball and not run, score 4 or 6 runs and not move from your spot and the ability to bowl a maiden over, without ever leaving the sporting field.

    Then you have drinks in the morning and drinks again in the afternoon.

    You have a 12th man on each team who does nothing, except bring out the drinks.

    Now moving on to the field positions, you can have a man standing in slips, and another standing with his legs apart waiting for a tickle, you can have a silly mid on and a crazy carry on.

    Any player can be the Third man, which is strange because both teams have 11 men, with the 12th man bringing the drinks.

    Players can be bowled out, can be caught, can be run out, can be caught with their leg before the wicket (LBW) and they can be stumped (I know I am).

    You have a bowler's end and a striker's end and from what I've seen of Shane Warne, he often has a Fag end, hanging out of his mouth. [ed - He can now bowl another kind of ball, a Hurley]

    You score in runs, and by the number of players that are out. As there are 11 players, you only have to get 10 players out and then your side can go in again.

    Bowlers bowl Overs and when their Overs are over, they are forced to stand out in the field, until it is time for them to bowl another Over. If a Bowler bowls an Over with no runs scored, this is called a Maiden Over, if a Bowler, is hit for six with every ball this is called a Punishing Over, and if the Bowler drinks to much and goes home with any strange woman, this is called a Push Over (also a Leg Over if he is really lucky) and the jumpers they wear over the top of their uniform is call a Pull Over.

    Now the Batsmen wear protective armour, they wear a helmet called a Brain Box, arm padding and padded gloves, they also wear leg armour called Pads, and a groin protector called Cricketer's Box (in some players cases this too is called Brain Box, as this part obviously does all the thinking).

    I hope that this has explained the game of Cricket.

    Upper Hutt • Since Jun 2007 • 1590 posts Report Reply

  • Paul Campbell,

    This sort of thing is usually pushed at 'merkins to try and confuse them about cricket - they usually respond with "Who's on First"

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 2623 posts Report Reply

  • Bart Janssen, in reply to Emma Hart,

    Can't we just go to the cricket and talk about field placements?

    Um, yeah, what would you like to discuss?

    So I think McCullum stands too deep and the spacing between him and Taylor is too big. I know McCullum can make some spectacular catches diving to his right but that's not really the point, as Rodney Marsh pointed out it's not how many catches you take that makes you great, it's how many you drop and too many drop short and to the left of Taylor for my liking.

    See that's the real problem with men's retreats, most of the time I want to talk about stuff with my female friends too so why would I want to hang out with only half of my friends?

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 4461 posts Report Reply

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