Speaker by Various Artists


The Ultimate Flip-Flop

by Pound

John Key has announced the adoption of yet another flagship Labour policy – having a female leader. In a one-page policy briefing released today he stated that under a National government he would undergo gender realignment to have what it takes to lead the Country.

“I’ve been up and down the country talking to people and it kept being said to me that one of Labour’s biggest strengths is that their leader is a woman. Having already adopted most of their policy platform it was a no-brainer that I should seek to become a woman.”

How National planned to fund the procedure was not immediately apparent and with Labour having left so little room for new spending on the Government books, Prime Minister Helen Clark was quick to seize on this.

"I think this is getting a bit ridiculous," Miss Clark responded.

"Where does money for this procedure come from? Either you've got to borrow for the cut - which we've always said is crazy - or you are heavily pruning existing Labour Government spending."

It is quite a turnaround for Mr Key, who has previously not been known to favour becoming a woman, but seasoned political commentator Bill Ralston could see electoral gain in such a concession.

“Winning elections is about swallowing the occasional dead rat, sometimes you have to man-up, or, in this case, man-down, in order to please everyone”.

But the move has not silenced critics who have accused the National leader of trying to be all things to all people. One such critic is NZ First leader Winston Peters:

“It is a ridiculous situation and it speaks to what I’ve been saying for a long time, and you in the media have not been listening: this man will tell you black is white if that will benefit his well-funded backers. I ask you, why stop there? What is to stop him keeping both the male apparatus and the female parts and therefore truly representing something for everyone?"

ACT leader Rodney Hide could not be reached for comment having lost his cellphone while attempting to jump a shark on a jetski.

Green Party co-leader Russell Norman welcomed the move:

“In our party we have for a long time believed that a person’s sex was an important consideration when selecting an able leader. Our constitution requires it. We are glad that National are starting to adopt our sound policies also.”

The Maori Party are to conduct a series of hui throughout the Country to find out what their position is. Whatever the outcome, it will be communicated by staging a very long walk.

No one cared what United Future Leader Peter Dunne or Gordon Whatshisname had to say.

Simon Pound

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