Southerly by David Haywood

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Southerly: Our Saddest and Most Tragic Christmas Ever

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  • Glenn Pearce,

    local businesses like the Warehouse and the $2 Shop

    That'd be the 2 Euro shop and das Lager where David is , please tell me there's no such thing.

    Auckland • Since Feb 2007 • 499 posts Report Reply

  • Deborah,

    so I've placed an order

    Me too. I plan to give it to my father for Christmas. Pre-read, of course, in fine family tradition.

    New Lynn • Since Nov 2006 • 1445 posts Report Reply

  • Leigh Kennaway,

    Harumpppphhhh - a book that resorts to such blatant emotional blackmail for marketing is obviously crap. And as for that kid - too damn cute to be true, clearly Photoshopped by some graphic designer getting in practice for election posters.

    Western Bays • Since Feb 2007 • 79 posts Report Reply

  • Geoff Lealand,

    That'd be the 2 Euro shop and das Lager where David is , please tell me there's no such thing

    I remember seeing a 99c Shop in Toledo, Ohio last year.

    Screen & Media Studies, U… • Since Oct 2007 • 2537 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    And as for that kid - too damn cute to be true, clearly Photoshopped by some graphic designer getting in practice for election posters.

    Same guy that did Helen Clark, I hear.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22724 posts Report Reply

  • Jolisa,

    as for that kid - too damn cute to be true, clearly Photoshopped.

    Au contraire - if anything, they toned him down a bit. He's knuckle-bitingly gorgeous in person.

    Rupert Brown...

    For some reason I'm picturing Russell wearing checked trousers and a red shirt surrounded by friends called Bill the Badger and the like.

    There is something rather bearish about our Russell, now you mention it :-) All together now, everyone sing his name....

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 1472 posts Report Reply

  • Russell Brown,

    There is something rather bearish about our Russell,

    All the gays say so.

    Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 22724 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    All the gays say so.

    Darling, when I say "scruffy" that's not code for ""I dream about running an afro pick through your back hair after I've braided your armpits".

    And this is sooooo not happening in this, or any other life:

    (**WARNING: CLIP CONTAINS BRIEF MILDLY NSFW LANGUAGE**)

    Now go to your room, and await the shade of Mr Blackwell who will critique your couture as punishment for your sins.

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Many thanks for all the kind words on this thread -- and to all the people who have bought copies!

    giovanni tiso wrote:

    That said, I demand to know how the first impression got sold out before you even told _us_. Is there another blogging community you see on those mysterious "late nights" at work, David?

    The book was released yesterday, but the website's actually been up and running for a week. So some extra-smart people managed to get in before everyone else. Apologies to everyone else for the slight delay in shipping your order.

    Russell Brown wrote:

    Unless, of course, there is some fatal flaw in his plan that means everything will go horribly wrong. In which case, he's on his own.

    That would be the Rupert Murdoch side of your personality showing through...

    Idiot Savant wrote:

    > the book has been designed with soft puppy-like pages
    > -- making it ideal for reading in the lavatory"

    If we accept that link, wouldn't an actual puppy be better?

    I've always wondered that... why do the lavatory-paper people always choose puppies?

    Glenn Pearce wrote:

    I knew all that time spent on the Commodore 64 on the Jervad Idol would come in useful eventually David.

    The packaging on the game said "distibuted [sic] to Australia, Canada, Ireland and the UK". This is where I first met the word 'distibuted'. It means "we're selling it but we don't pay the programmers".

    Robyn Gallagher wrote:

    By the way, if you want to make Christmas special for Bob, in mid-December just arrange for your "uncle" to make it look like your house was broken into, then tell your local freebie community paper that all your Christmas presents were stolen and your Christmas will be ruined unless local businesses like the Warehouse and the $2 Shop don't give you heaps of replacement tat. Then it will be proper Christmas after all!

    You, my friend, are an economic genius. Now if only people of your calibre had been running Wall Street for the last decade or so.

    Glenn Pearce wrote:

    That'd be the 2 Euro shop and das Lager where David is , please tell me there's no such thing.

    Downtown Berlin even features a 1 Euro shop! We bought our umbrella there (product life two weeks and counting).

    Leigh Kennaway wrote:

    And as for that kid - too damn cute to be true, clearly Photoshopped by some graphic designer getting in practice for election posters.

    An attractive 22-year-old lass in New York City was so impressed by Bob's "gorgeousness" that she wanted to write her phone number on his arm so he could call her when he turned 18. Quote from her: "I just know I'm going to be into hot 18-year-olds when I'm forty".

    So there. [See also Jolisa's reply].

    Still sick, so heading off to bed for another early night. I am now blaming my bug on the germ-warfare division of the former GDR.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • Craig Ranapia,

    An attractive 22-year-old lass in New York City was so impressed by Bob's "gorgeousness" that she wanted to write her phone number on his arm so he could call her when he turned 18. Quote from her: "I just know I'm going to be into hot 18-year-olds when I'm forty".

    And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I love Americans -- that delicate cocktail of the endearingly freaky. :)

    North Shore, Auckland • Since Nov 2006 • 12370 posts Report Reply

  • Jolisa,

    Quote from her: "I just know I'm going to be into hot 18-year-olds when I'm forty"

    So there. [See also Jolisa's reply].

    See also my current discussion thread, I guess!

    Auckland, NZ • Since Nov 2006 • 1472 posts Report Reply

  • James Green,

    All David's base are belong to
    \usepackage{PABooks}
    \begin{document}
    \LateX\
    \end{document}

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 703 posts Report Reply

  • James Green,

    \LaTeX\ even. Clearly getting rusty.

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 703 posts Report Reply

  • Moira Goldie,

    Hey David - have just received your book. I meant to keep it for Christmas, but couldn't wait. Beautifully written and a nice mixture of funny and a couple of sad stories. I very much enjoyed it. When are we going to get a book on Mr Bollard? Hope we don't have to wait till next Christmas.

    Waitakere • Since Aug 2008 • 4 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Don Christie wrote:

    Are you holding the Alan Bollard posts back for a special edition or am I misreading the TOC?

    Moira Goldie wrote:

    Hey David - have just received your book... I very much enjoyed it. When are we going to get a book on Mr Bollard?

    Moira (your name seems strangely familiar to me): very glad the book has arrived safely...

    Don & Moira (and others by email): we made the decision to cut the Alan Bollard stories as they didn't fit in with the rest of the more 'literary' (this may be a slight misuse of the word) pieces in My First Stabbing.

    I've actually written a few more of the true-life Bollard stories than have been published on PA -- so, yes, there's a possibility that they'll get their own book.

    You can click here for a sneak preview of the cover.

    James Green wrote:

    All David's base are belong to
    \usepackage{PABooks}
    \begin{document}
    \LateX\
    \end{document}

    Ha! I sense a fellow traveller.

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • James Green,

    Ha! I sense a fellow traveller.

    Yes. Unfortunately, it's not so great for collaboration. Ironically the guy in the office next door is a command line/linux/latex type of guy, but we don't write stuff together.
    What I really miss is Bibtex. Endnote really blows. Or at least it is bloated and cumbersome, and really crap at APA. I guess it's OK as a reference manager, and I like being able to click through to web of science of the pdf file, but I really miss the in-text referencing, and latex's innate sense of style and proportion.

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 703 posts Report Reply

  • jon_knox,

    Long time, no hear David...So this is what you've been up to!...Not in banged-up on remand as I had suspe....I mean as my totally overactive imagination had feared. Chur!

    I have a question for you based on a dream that I had last night and as you're one of the more/most lucid people I've met (which is clearly evident in your writing), I thought I'd seek your opinion.

    Anyway, I dreamt that I was driving a car, which is a bit odd as I haven't been a car person for a few years (I will however point out that I do wear footwear before anyone feels the need to make any "hippy" comments) and had a bit of an incident...of sorts.

    The part of the dream that I can recall is having been driving a car, I nearly clipped (ok...OK chased...I'm a bit patchy on that detail...No seriously I don't recall...all that lemsip I've been taking has been making me a bit...out of sorts...yeah) a guy on a BMX just infront of a Policeman, who then pulled me over & proceeded to give me a good old fashioined telling-off as he was proceeding to write me a ticket. As the BMX rider hadn't stopped, I told the policeman that I thought the guy on the BMX was Matthew Ridge, then the policeman tore the ticket up and I was wished me "better luck next time".

    Finally, getting to my question to you David, if you condone the policeman's actions in my dream, does that make you a bad parent?..or should that be a "worse parent"?

    Belgium • Since Nov 2006 • 464 posts Report Reply

  • jon_knox,

    er...typo...

    and I was wished me "better luck next time"

    of course means "and wished me better luck next time".

    Belgium • Since Nov 2006 • 464 posts Report Reply

  • David Haywood,

    Mate, Ridgey is a national icon -- like Shrek the Sheep or the New Zealand flatworm (Arthurdendyus triangulatus) -- as well as a personal hero of mine, and the nearest thing our nation has to a homegrown Jesus Christ. So I don't think it would be an exaggeration to describe your dream as an act of treason.

    I doubt they'll let you back into the country after word of it gets out.

    Hope all otherwise well with you...

    Dunsandel • Since Nov 2006 • 1156 posts Report Reply

  • jon_knox,

    Ta...just as a point of clarification. When I used the word "dream", I totally meant "nightmare". I ommitted to mention that what's her name Loos was on the handlebars of the BMX (actually she was looking kinda heavy...might have been in-calf) and that after the policeman left, Posh Spice pulled up and started laying a bit of verbal into me....man she's got a potty mouth, but thankfully she didn't try to sing.....anyways...I did have another dream...er I mean nightmare. Yeah totally meant nightmare.

    This time I was the vet with a cat. Sitting in the waiting room, waiting as people seem to do in such places and a really upset guy came in with a really agitated dog, that was foaming at the mouth and for some reason I want to say "exhibiting all the classic signs of rabies"....whatever they exactly are. Anyway the guy had to vet had to take the guy and treat his dog as matter of urgency. So I sat waiting, quite without anything else exceptional happening. When I eventually got to see the vet, he apologised and explained that Winny the P had bitten the previous guy's dog.

    I tell you that Blackcurrent lemsip has got a lot answer for! Do you know Peter Dunne's address? I'll send him some so he can hit it with his prohibtion hammer.

    But yeah other having a few weird dreams and having a cold I'm fine...(cough) Well as fine as I ever was. The cat is fine too...thanks for asking.

    BTW I've got to say David, you make a fine fiction writer.

    Belgium • Since Nov 2006 • 464 posts Report Reply

  • Judi Lapsley Miller,

    Yes. Unfortunately, it's not so great for collaboration. Ironically the guy in the office next door is a command line/linux/latex type of guy, but we don't write stuff together.
    What I really miss is Bibtex. Endnote really blows. Or at least it is bloated and cumbersome, and really crap at APA. I guess it's OK as a reference manager, and I like being able to click through to web of science of the pdf file, but I really miss the in-text referencing, and latex's innate sense of style and proportion.

    I know your pain...

    Maybe we should start a support group for frustrated LaTeX users....

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 106 posts Report Reply

  • James Green,

    Maybe we should start a support group for frustrated LaTeX users....

    Perhaps. I know the guy next door is in a similar position. Although he mostly uses open office for collaboration.

    Dunedin • Since Nov 2006 • 703 posts Report Reply

  • jon_knox,

    I know your pain...

    Maybe we should start a support group for frustrated LaTeX users....

    Wow that's inspirational...I've been looking for a good idea for a web-start-up for a while and Judi you're the apple that has fallen on newton's head.

    I'll start a social networking site where people with mental pain in their lives can sell that pain to sadomasochists who are looking for ways to totally take it to a new level, though the use of the brain as an erogenous zone. The Business Model will be people can pay to have their pain belittled though it's use in sicko's mind fantasies and sicko's can pay to get their sick (little) hands on material that sends them into rapture of the higest order....Oh this is even better than using fear of public speaking to peddle speeches. How many of those bases of motivation can I tick off with a single site?

    Resolving mental pain. Giving sicko's their kicks, no expensive bandwidth for images, no physical product, no bodily fluids....Ad-sense revenue, no need to block it off from the kids....This is like that song by Neil Young...so it's got to be real/my big chance...it's a sign from NEIL.

    The artist looked at the producer
    The producer sat back
    He said, What we have got here
    Is a perfect track
    But we don't have a vocal
    And we don't have a song
    If we could get these things accomplished
    Nothin' else could go wrong.

    Righto, got to run...got to get some more of that Lemsip. And find some web guys and somemore people with badly written software.

    Belgium • Since Nov 2006 • 464 posts Report Reply

  • Judi Lapsley Miller,

    \begin{LMAO}
    \begin{quote}
    Judi you're the apple that has fallen on newton's head.
    \end{quote}
    You've made my morning!
    \end{LMAO}

    Wellington • Since Nov 2006 • 106 posts Report Reply

  • jon_knox,

    Hey Judi, I got my first paying customer....

    Belgium • Since Nov 2006 • 464 posts Report Reply

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